shew

It’s been a literal whirl of activity in the past month or so and I finally feel more able to breathe a bit, thank goodness!

Work has been incredibly demanding as of late and I dare say, it’s not been my favorite activity recently, but I surely cannot complain. As someone recently pointed out to me, the economy has everyone on edge and we are all having to work harder to prove our worth and justify the expense of our salaries. Mostly, I feel lucky to have a job, even if I am not always happy here. All positions have their ups and downs, mine just happens to be in a “down” period at the moment. My team is getting a lot of heat about turn around time on development and accuracy of code. It’s an ongoing issue, and not specific to just one developer (i.e..me b/c I take my work performance very personally) so as we all know, the extra good gooey stuff rolls down hill and it’s definitely been rolling into my lap these past few months. I just try to roll with it and take the good with the bad. My supervisor is amazing for the most part, I like the work I do and my co-workers are pretty cool. We are getting ready to move buildings, just across the highway from where we are now and I am looking forward to that. No more black crap spewing out all over my from the vents over my desk and new cube walls too! Plus, the building is beautifully done and considerably more modern then our current location. Moving will be hectic, as moves generally are, but I know we are all looking forward to getting it over with and acclimating to our new building.

Max will be here on the 19th for about a two week visit to Colorado. He’ll be with me until the 28th and then off to his Grandparents for the remainder of his visit. I am bouncing out of my skin with excitement, as well as some apprehension and anxiousness. It’s been five months since we last saw one another and that’s long enough for me to sense changes in us both. It’s not like I will forget how to wear my mommy crown when we are in one another’s presence. The boy has been part of me since the day he was conceived and you don’t spend 17 years being someone’s mother just to have that dissipate in a period of five months. I just wonder how the dynamic will change. How has he changed? How have I changed? In many ways, I find this whole concept of having him a few times a year and playing Disney Land Momma pretty enticing. The truth is that I feel much less pressure. Almost like I can let my guard down and enjoy him for a change because let’s face it, I can be that mom that worries and hovers and clucks when he’s in the house, under my roof and my responsibility. But, since that is no longer the case and I’m not the one responsible for meeting with his teachers and making sure he’s doing his homework and worrying about where he is and who he’s with and reminding him to pick up his room and do his laundry and blah blah blah blah (which in the grand scheme of it all, is relatively unimportant I know can now actually see that in reality and not just in theory) I do feel a load lightened a bit. Plus, I think he’s really grown. Sometimes I sense that being with Sean is what had to happen to help the boy child grow into a man child and find some sense of independence, not just from me, but from the grips of the “evil adults” who have surrounded him his whole life. We are such bastards. Only wanting the best for him and laying down boundaries. How dare we !?!?!? *giggle*

The really cool thing? The really really cool thing is that I know Max is a wicked interesting and beautiful person in there. Behind all that teenage acne and hormones and acting out. I’ve always known it and I adore him, regardless. Space, time and change can be a grand healer of many wounds. It’s something I learn time and time again, but am never surprised by. I’ll have much to report on this subject I am sure after his visit. One never knows how something will pan out, but I surely am looking forward t seeing him.

Many holiday events already passed and to come have kept me fat and happy this season. Not only is the food decadent, the wine flows, friends hug and laugh, life feels good. January is going to be a bitch, getting back to eating like a normal person again. So much holiday goodness to be had all year!

I expect New Year’s Eve to be quiet. Just Dave and I, dinner, maybe a movie. I like this Dave fella. He makes me happy and treats me wonderfully. He’s a good poo poo for sure. More to report on that as the situation progresses.

Rose responded with open arms to my visit idea. I am thrilled. Hoping to make that happen around the 1st of April 2010. Finances could prove troublesome because traveling is pricey no matter how you slice it, luckily though….Dallas tickets are totally reasonable and it only takes about an hour to get there. All I know is that seeing my nephew and sister feels important. Family is family and I find myself more inclined to put energy into building that relationship then in years past. She’s a mommy now, there’s a new baby in the family, hello!

I’m also hoping to take a trip to Yellowstone this coming year. It’s a total win/win vacation. Location = driveable, accommodations = camping fee’s/gear, pets = allowed, beautiful wilderness = check!

I’ll have to think about what my goals are for 2010. Going back to school feels high on my radar screen, even if it’s just one class a semester. There’s really no excuse not to in light of Max’s absence from my daily life. I know I’d like to loose some weight, exercise more….but I say that every year. Actually loosing weight is a pretty serious endeavor, especially at first. It takes a real shift in life style, especially after all these years of eating, drinking too much and not enough exercise. I feel more ready though, that’s for sure.

Ok, I should get some work done. Off for now my lovelies, love to you all.

The stunning Gaia, aptly gaurding the Thanksgiving gourds :)

News

The most recent news is that my mom has moved back up to her house. For now. I am not convinced that it is permanent; I suspect my home will be a haven for her when life feels intolerable. I’m ok with that as long as it does not become a pattern for any length of time because the transition periods between her staying with me and then leaving again are difficult. It also brings up a lot of weird abandonment stuff, which kind of pisses me off. Damn, that stuff is a pain in the ass.

Thanksgiving was lovely. I won’t be cooking or hosting again next year, but it was something I could see me doing every other year. I cooked, I cleaned, we drank wine and played games and spent a lot of time playing with the kids/dogs and I enjoyed that a great deal. Pam wasn’t at my house for Turkey Day, in fact, that is what prompted her return to her home. She felt it would be to tense for her and Jim at my house and she didn’t want Jim to be alone for the holiday weekend so she went up there and seems that sealed the deal. I thought that might happen, my spidey senses figured it might be to difficult for her to return after a few days in her own home. To say I appreciate my solitude again would be an understatement. Not to mention that I managed to gain a few pounds while she was living with me and that does NOT bode well for a long term scenario.

The remainder of Turkey Day was spent with Dave, Paula and Jeff and running errands. Cosmic (karmic) Bowling was a blast and we would’ve tried to keep up with all the kids there if we all weren’t so tired. Turns out, midnight seems much later than it used to. Especially after a busy day of errands and food and playing pool and singing bad karaoke at the bar. I miss Paula; I tried not to cry when I first saw her and when I had to drop her off at the airport, which was pointless. We were hanging around, sort of watching Star Trek and just being together in the same room and having breakfast. I could see us being old women and doing that. In an ideal world, Kristen, Paula, Crystal, Kim and Sandy would all join me in the same retirement village and we would crotchet blankets for our grandbabies and nephews babies and neighbors babies and play gin rummy and gossip about our younger years and giggle with delight at how bad and good and ornery we all were. We would honor our yesteryears with love and sentiment and go home each night knowing we always have each other. A silly school-girl fantasy about wanting my women surrounding me for all of eternity. There is no bond like that of women.

The coming weeks will flash by in a blur, that’s just how Thanksgiving and Christmas go. Holiday parties and too much food and booze will surely catch up with me. Thank goodness I get a few days off at the end of December.

Max did not make it for Thanksgiving. His father didn’t want to drive him up here from Casper. I can understand, that drive sucks. To bad that’s what he agreed to do if he didn’t have to work, but I know better than to trust Sean’s promises so I didn’t get my hopes up. I was very disappointed and did my best not to let it affect me in any debilitating way…but it did. I think I hid it well in front of others, but Dave got to do a fair amount of holding me and letting the tears flow. He’s amazing at that btw, in case I didn’t mention it. It’s nice to be consoled and held, I’ve finally figured out that it’s ok for me to appreciate it and not feel weak for doing so. Anyway, hopefully Max will be here for the end of December as he’ll have a fair amount of time off for school. We’ll see. I sure hope so though because I feel us growing distant and I’ve lately sensed a shift in his attitude toward me. Once again, he’s a teenager who has serious momma issues and is living with his estranged (until recently) father who has a lot of issues of his own with me, so I’m bound to face some strange and awkward behaviors…..even if Max and I are more than 500 miles away from each other. I miss him though. Desperately. Sometimes the pain of Max’s absence is so strong I physically ache. I can’t quite figure out why nature makes it this way, that children and their mothers must experience this separation so that the children can begin to make their own ways in life, meanwhile…the mother is left to try and make sense of what is left of her life and start over.

That seems to be the key here in this life, learning how to start over successfully without loosing it in the transition period. That and those pesky boundary issues that seem to haunt me. I am seeing the truth in that the more you let go of outcomes and expectations and needs, the more fulfilling and less overwhelming life is. It’s more than just living in the moment, way more. I’ve always known this in theory, but as I’ve stated countless times before, theory and practice are two very different things. When you have no choice but to practice a theory you’ve long researched and believed in, that is when you learn the lesson. It hurts and feels like grinding against the grain, but its good stuff. Some of us just cannot learn simply by reading about it or writing about it or attempting to try it on for size from time to time. Some of us have to be thrown deeply into the pit to figure it out. There are days I wish I weren’t that person, that reading a book and trying to better understand life through theory would somehow alleviate so much of the confusion and frustration and pain…but I am and with all that flailing and stumbling, comes all the great joys and love that life has to offer.

Sigh.

That said, I did finally grow the cajones to ask Rose if she might like a visit from me in the spring of 2010. I have not heard yet back from her and I realize it could and probably will take some time for us to decide as a group if that’s an option or not, but at the urging of a very wise Aunty, I thought it wouldn’t hurt to put it out on the table. All she can do is say no, right? We’ll see how it pans out. Luckily, it’s UBER cheap to fly to Texas, so maybe I’ll get lucky and have the opportunity to meet my nephew in person some day.

I’m off for tonight. My home desktop is toast until I can afford a new hard drive, so I’m using my work laptop all the time now which makes getting photos online a little harder. But I have some fun fun ones to post, of Bailey and Gaia and other fun little critters. Speaking of Bailey, I’d better go, she’s terribly jealous of my laptop :)

Monday Update

Mary has received some very good news from the cancer center and I can’t go into to much detail, but the bottom line is that her chances are very very high, considering the type of cancer she has. She will get to be an “old” woman after all This was probably the best news I’ve heard in a while. Let’s all vibe out the good ju ju in her direction because it never hurts to have people rooting for you.

I should have my car back tomorrow. I am not going to discuss the cost involved with this repair. I’m not even going to put energy into that facet of it. I AM going to put energy into the various people in my life without whom I would probably struggle more than is nessisary and spend double what this bill is estimated to be. I appreciate them more than they ever seem to know.

Paula is going to be here in a few days. I feel like there is a little springy firecracker in my belly, just waiting to go off. I can’t wait.

I miss my girlfriends. I feel like I’ve been so consumed with my mom and Max being gone and what not that I really have no time (or money, like every any more which I can’t figure out why) to see my friends.

Max is not coming for Thanksgiving. I suspected as much and again, I am choosing not to put much energy into the negative thoughts I feel washing over me regarding this subject. It IS disappointing, but I have to accept that life is changing and my delusions of control are crumbling. I have to be patient, work through it and realize that Princess Sarah does not always get what she wants, in spite of all her wishing and hoping. It’s just life and all in all, I really should not be wasting a second complaining.

Sean is suing me for child support and so far, seems he will win. Let’s briefly consider that I make probably double of what Sean does and therefore he will receive considerabley more than I EVER did from him, not to mention the fact that I raised Max on my own with help from no one for 14 years, but apparently that does not matter to the courts. I could be a bitch and tie this up in litigation for a while, but I can’t see me doing that. I’m just not built that way. I’m considering the karmic implications of this and have yet to fully understand what it could be other than to simply accept it and move on, knowing that I’m doing the “right” thing in the eyes of the law, which is suspect to me to begin with, but hey…whatever.

My cousin Krista had her baby on Saturday. Her name is Sophie and she’s the cutest little darling ever. Sophie is the first girl since Max to be born in that generation. Including Max, there were 7 boys before her. The generation before them was all girls. Just like on my dad’s side of the family. Genetics is fascinating stuff, isn’t it? DNA quandaries aside, this baby girl is a precious little monkey, just like her mommy was at that age. Babies are SO cool.

Matty is on the mend. I am grateful for that and I am eager to see what path his adventure sends him down next. It’s always an interesting one, that’s for sure.

My mom is fairing well. Everything in life with her is on hold and last minute in nature. Obviously this affects me directly to some degree and I’m doing my best to manage it, so far, so good. It is taking up a great deal of my time and emotional/physical energy, no question there…but all in all, I am quite impressed with us as a whole.

I am so looking forward to a weekend of good food, my nearest and dearest (who I am lucky enough to share it with anyway) and a little R&R. 4 day weekends are always something to look forward to.

That is all…oh wait, did I mention that my dog is the sweetest, most adorable little puppy that ever was? She is and I am thankful for her EVERY single day. I also got some fantastic pictures of Gaia chilling around my Harvest decorations, which are quite stunning in contrast because of her blue/black shades and the colors/shapes of the gourds. She is a stunning animal, truly.

Love to you all!

Rough week. Problems with Baby Jetta again. Not sure how much it’s going to cost to have it repaired or when that will happen. I love my car, it’s one of my favorite material things I’ve ever owned. The cost of ownership is excessive at times it seems, but such is life I suppose. It’s just the timing is always shit, of course. But when is a good time to drop a few hundred bucks? One could easily argue it wouldn’t be right before the holidays. Nice.

Thank goodness Dave can let me use his Jeep for a few days. He also came over last night and fixed up of little stuff around the house I’ve been whining about and made me dinner. I’m not quite sure why he’s so nice to me all the time, but I’m not going to complain. He’s a keeper I’m thinking.

Back to the grind, worked from home yesterday which = getting about half done of what I normally do due to the VPN that gives me hell at the most inconvenient hour. I’m so glad it’s almost Friday. Blah.

It's OK for me to not be a bubble puss!

Ok, I get it. Others are used to me being this kind if happy, breezy person and by nature, this IS where my personality sits most of the time. But even I have days where I just don’t feel like interacting and want to be left alone and I don’t think this is cause for alarm. This doesn’t nessisarily make me moody or depressed, sometimes I just need to decompress and need the space to do so. I don’t see what the big deal is? I too, am allowed to have days where I’m not the picture of a shiny disposition and that’s OK, it’s not about YOU or anything YOU did. In fact, when you turn it around on you, it exhausts me even more because then I feel the need to soothe and make it “ok” for you.

This is not to say that I am not a moody person because the reality is that I am and it can change in the space of a day several different times, but for the most part, I work hard to ensure my moodiness does not directly affect others and if does, I’d simply like to ask “If my mood is bothering YOU, think of how it effects me? YOU try living with range of emotions and energies I experience in any time period and see if you feel like Miss Bubble Puss every second of every day?” We ALL have days where we are quieter or more withdrawn than others, what I can’t understand is why it’s not ok for me and why people start firing 20 questions at me if I’m not walking around with a giant grin on my face and giggling all the time. I LOVE that there are those people in my life who appreciate me for me, but that has to include all of me and all of me isn’t always a freaking ray of sunshine and that’s ok dammit.

I’m sure some of this is acclimating to living with another adult again, specifically the one adult I’ve always “taken care of” more than any other. It’s astonishing how quickly I can go from being really frustrated to being the caretaker with little or no room in the middle of that to even feel how I’m feeling, which later turns into resentment. I know it’s not intentional, some people just are who they are, but I am VERY sensitive to this one particular person and her needs and regardless of what I know, old habits die hard. Boundaries can be a real bitch sometimes.

That said, I am absolutely exhausted at the moment and I need a few moments to myself to manage that exhaustion. Not at work, not in my car….in my home, my sanctuary…to breathe and be alone with my breath. Me and my breath. I need that for a few minutes each day without being hassled about “what’s wrong” or feeling like I have to “fix” something. There’s nothing to fix, I’m fine….but I need space to be fine or else I will loose it and no one wants that. And if others aren’t fine in my life that’s 100% ok with me, let me know how I can help and love you and support you, but please understand that sometimes this isn’t all about you. I have a lot of people in my life that I care for and all of them have life challenges they are facing in some manner or another at the moment and sometimes I need time to process not only my own head space, but how I can be of support to them and you and myself and everyone involved.

Sigh.

Vent over. That is all.

pics of the nephew!

"Ohana" means family and family means no one gets left behind....

We watched “Lilo & Stitch” this weekend because a) It makes me laugh hysterically. I’m talking the full on, can’t help myself laughter that sometimes annoys people because it’s so high pitched and b) I insisted my mother see it immediately.

A common theme throughout this movie is that family is intended to be a safe, secure haven in which you can retreat from the sometimes harsh nature of the world outside and all of its challenges. Your family might include an alien life form with a soft interior and crusty outer shell to your biological family members to the fur-babies we gladly bring into our homes to your best human friends who you can’t go longer then a day or two without checking in with via phone, text, chat or email. There is no one formula for the perfect family, but all of them are beautiful in their own ways, no matter how “dysfunctional” or “untraditional” they may be and every family has its share of disputes, black sheep (achem) and trials to face along the way as we all do our best to grow into the people we are to become in this lifetime.

This and a good, solid dose of humor and sillyness are the lessons I learned from this movie when I first took Max to see it in theatre all those years ago, plus I thought it might be of benefit to share it with those I thought might get a similar message. She didn’t laugh once, Dave and I rolled around in fits of laughter and buttery popcorn kernels and I realized in that moment that she’s just in too much pain right now and that’s ok. Sometimes laughing is harder and more painful then it’s worth. I understand that all too well, though I rarely give up the opportunity bust a gut over an animated film.

I then got the news that my nephew was born on Saturday morning and I feel so much emotion about all of it that I’m not really sure how to manage it all. Rose seems so young to me, but then I realize it’s been some time since I’ve seen her and she’s well into her 20’s now. She’s not that 19 year old kid who stayed at my house with her college girlfriends that weekend. She’s well on her way to being a grown up, she’s married and has a baby now. She has a family all her own and this sort of boggles the mind and gives me little stabs of sadness over not having had a closer relationship with her. Because now that she’s got a baby and I have a nephew, I feel this really strong sort of primal urge to be near her and see the little critter. It’s like some deep intuition in me from my long distant cave dwelling relatives tells me I need to run to her side and protect her and help her with that baby. I suddenly feel I MUST see the baby before he magically grows up and I never get a chance to know meet him or know him. Part of me wonders if it’s ok for me to feel this way. Rose and I have never been close. I think we’ve sort of gotten comfortable with the fact that we are very different and we will keep in touch a few times a year, but other then that it just is what it is and that’s been ok with me and I gather with her as well. To be truthful, I’ve never thought of her as my sister. We did not grow up together, we barely know each other now and as stated before, we are such vastly different people, I’m not sure how much we have in common. Of course I love her and care for her, I have since the first day I heard from her and have enjoyed getting to know what I do know about her. She’s a lovely young lady, but we just haven’t really ever gotten past the formalities of it all and I’ve been ok with that on all levels. But now that there’s this baby, I feel this really strong desire to be closer to her and him. What is that all about?

Then there is the fact that the baby’s middle name is named after our father. Surely, this must have been an intentional thing? They didn’t randomly pull the name “William” out of the air, right? Unless there’s someone on her husband’s side, which is possible but I can’t help but feel sort of amazed and awed that she chose this name for her first-borns middle name. What does this mean? She must know I noticed, that we all (Conlee’s) “noticed” and I feel like asking her about it might be to tender of a subject, but the thought of it is burning a hole in my head. Mostly, I just want to know if she did that in honor of our father or if it was for some other reason. Obviously, if that wasn’t her intention, asking her might make her feel insulted or guilty or something. If it was her intention, well then I guess I want to thank her and let her know how sweet I think it is that she did that to carry on our father’s namesake. It’s all kind of confusing for me, something I probably won’t get a lot of answers to, so I should probably just leave it alone.

So much lately swirling around in my mind about the concept of “family” and what it means. I spent so many years in my youth being out in the world and feeling like I had no grounding, no home base really. That it was me and Max against the world. In the last several years it’s been made abundantly clear to me that this isn’t true at all and now that a core piece of my family unit is not there any more and I have all this other family surrounding me who both suddenly need me and I those that I want very badly to be involved in their lives and support them, I don’t really know what to do or how to do it. My relationship skills are sub-par you see and I am not all that familiar with how to be available, but not suffocating and give space without disappearing. What a strange balance. Help.

Bunch of questions

http://thingstobehappyabout.com

• Are you capable of telling a good joke at a moment's notice?
Not in the formal sense….like “Guy walks into a bar and blah blah…” but I think I am to sarcastic and goofy to actually let something obviously funny slip by with out jumpin on it.

• If you could have a different point of view, how would you like to see the world?
I would like to see the world from the eyes of companion animals. I often wonder what our cats, dogs, etc are thinking about.

• How do we acquire reliable knowledge of the world?
Experience.

• How many hours per week do you volunteer your time?
That depends on your perspective, I volunteer myself to the world as much as possible. To friends, family, the lady with 3 kids who forgets her wallet at the check out counter. I try to volunteer something positive every day, even if it’s just in thought.

• Who was the one person who inspired you to become who you are today?
I refuse to answer this question, the list is to long and complex to wrap up into a single response.

• What is the city but the people? (Shakespeare)
Duh, he was saying that a quality city (community) cannot exist without effort and support from its people.

• Can nurses do doctors' work?
I’d dare say that many nurses probably know the medical field better then the doctors they work with.

• Ever see a XXX movie?
*blush*

• What is the best classic Christmas movie?
Hands Down: A Christmas Story, 1983.

• When you arrive late, are you honest or do you make up an excuse?
It’s kind of rare that I have to be somewhere by a certain time. In every day life, I’m sort of on my own schedule, but if I have a doctors appointment or am supposed to be meeting someone at a certain time, I almost always on time. I have made excuses to my boss before tho for coming in later then is normal for me which would sort of be a lie I suppose. Like this morning, I just could not get out of bed, it was so warm and cozy and Bailey was snuggling me….purrrrrr.

• Recite a favorite nursery rhyme.
The itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout
Down came the rain and washed the spider out
Out came the sun and dried up all the rain
And the itsy bitsy spider went up the spout again

*Note: It is imperative that you do this with the appropriate hand motions.

• Do you sleep with one or two pillows?
I sleep with 3.

• Do you pick your nose?
Everyone picks there nose, come on!

• What is a good person?
Hmmm, I’m not convinced that I believe in “good” or “evil.” People are just people, trying to get through their lives and grow and learn. I make jokes all the time about “bad poo poo’s” and “good poo poo’s” but it’s mostly in fun. I’ve done some things in my life some people might consider “bad” but I don’t think those things make me a bad person. I’ve seen people do some pretty wretched things to others, to me and I don’t think they are good or bad, just messed up. Stumbling around like the rest of us, trying to find their way. AND, I DO believe strongly in the concept of karma, so the Universe doles out it’s due diligence as it sees fit and all we can do is try to be the best people we can be with the tools we are given. Of course, some of us are just tools to begin with and are going to go around spreading their toolery to the world, but even those poor souls must figure it out in time that they can’t act like that? If they don’t’, they come back as slugs or ameba’s and have to start all over again. Man, I hope I don’t come back as a slug…I at least I hope I come back as something slightly more advanced and social like a dolphin.

Halloween 2009

Settling Dust

Now that the dust is settling a little and I am able to think a bit more clearly I am seeing many positive and rewarding opportunities as these next few months play out. As follows:

1. There are times in life when you must simply step up and do what is right, even when it is scary or uncomfortable. ESPECIALLY when it is scary or uncomfortable because that means it has become an opportunity for growth and personal development. This is one of those times and instead of resisting, I find myself more able to cope and manage it rather than feeling as if I want to crawl into a hole and avoid it.

2. When I serve as a support system for another woman, I find myself feeling more empowered and stronger as well. It’s an odd sort of energy. I sometimes forget how independent I am now. I too, once let someone rob me of that independence and make me feel less than the woman that I am. It’s painful to see it happening to someone else from the outside. None of us deserve to be treated any less than humanely and I won’t reject her if she needs my support to start a life that brings her happiness, whatever that means.

3. We all need a little help from our friends sometimes. If I counted the amount of times that the women in my life loved, nurtured and bailed me out of heartbreak I’d be counting for an eternity.

4. It is ok for me to feel selfish about loosing some of the privacy I’d recently gained. It is ok for me to feel concern about maintaining a sense of boundary and self. It is ok for me to express this and I have and it has been heard and that is all one can hope for. Certainly, this isn’t an ideal situation and there is bound to be conflict, but I know we’ll get through it.

5. I am nothing if not loyal and she is my mother. She gave birth to me, she tried to love me the best she could, she took care of me last year when my leg was broken and she has been trying to take care of me for a long time and I’ve pushed her away because I’ve been rebelling against her for so long that I haven’t known how to let her in. In spite of our faults, we love each other and have been through hell and back together. What’s a few more months of working through the mud?

6. Changes take time. They are swift to come into action and happen when you aren’t even looking, but rebuilding after major life changes take the most amount of time of anything I know. She’ll need time. She’ll need time to mend herself and decide what she wants for her life, whether that means going back up the mountain or staying in Denver or something else all together, I don’t know. Regardless, she’ll need time and I have to be patient as she figures out her own life while going on living my own.

7. She really has no other choice and I’m not going to do anything to shame her further or hold it over her head. It’s hard enough to ask for help, let alone ask for help in the situation she’s in. I know how it feels to be humbled to such a degree and its pretty tough stuff.

8. I intend to make the best of this situation and enjoy it. I’d be stupid of me not to, you just never know how long you have with the people you love.

Can’t…stop….eating….peanut butter m n m’s! rawrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

much to report, limited time.....

The party was great, until my crazy family took it to another level and the bumble bee turned into a killer bee and had to kick some ass. I’m so over it. That said, shout out to Mandy and Matt Fox for showing up with my new best friends Eric and Nick (smooch), Tammy & Thomas, Kristen & Bethany, Justin & Colleen & cutie little Evan and Paula for assisting with a bomb enchilada recipe that left not a crumb of leftovers for the next day. And a mighty mighty thanks to Dave for cleaning up the next day, I am rather impressed and pleased. He may have contributed somewhat to the assery of the night before, but at least the guy knows when to apologize and how to make it up to a girl.

An unfortunate result of this weekend is that it turns out my mom will be staying with me for a while. I have mixed feelings. On the one hand, I know I have to help her. She is my mother after all, she did come to California to rescue me from the grips of evil and I mean, come on….the woman gave life to me. On the other hand, I’m very nervous about the length of time she may be sharing a home with me and the potential impacts on our relationship and my sanity. Seems I’m being sent yet another round of challenges to manage. I really have no more comment on the subject then that at the moment as I suspect things will change…she is a whirlwind unto herself and the season will inevidabley change between today and tomorrow.

Will post pics of the Bailey Bee and the Sarah Bee as time permits. I have a lot going on at home at the moment so my time outside of work is limited at the moment. BEE well my friends, love to you all.
S

An Update

Weekend:

Went to visit Mary. Will not recap that in as to respect her privacy. It is always lovely to see her, Daniel popped in for a bit. He’s grown so much. What a man he’s become. I remember when he was 7 years old and acting as the ring bearer for their wedding. Sigh.

Friday night Colleen and Dave came over, drank some wine, watched “Office Space”. Laughed, giggled and then there was a knock at the door. Will not recap this in detail either because it’s pretty disturbing, but a cat was hit by a car and it went under my neighbor’s car to die. I pulled him out because everyone else was too much of a wuss to touch him, which I later regretted because I cannot get the image out of my mind. Obvious internal damage, so I started crying and Dave and the neighbor guy scooped him up and put him in a bag for animal control. Blah.

Saturday we went pumpkin shopping and rented a bunch of movies complete with candy and popcorn. My pumpkin turned out like ass, Dave’s looks awesome. Guys are better at using knives I’ve learned.

Sunday, slept in and watched movies. The new season of Dexter rocks.

This week looks a bit on the nutty side, Halloweenie is Saturday and there is much preparation to be done! Both at home and at work. Cleaning, shopping (I’m cooking up a feast!) and more decorating. Should be fun. Pics will be posted of that for sure!

BOO!

This is one of those days I dread at work. Production Build days DOOODELY DOOOOOOOOO! Skerry. Everyone runs around with their jaws clenched and forced smiles and you can just see the buildings blowing up and smoke rising all around you as you walk through the office. This energy not only affects the admin folks, it gets everyone’s panties up in a wad and I, for one, think everyone not impacted by this should get the day off. Everyone gets snippy with each other because someone was snippy to them. It’s like a red hot set of dominos, tumbling down the hill and burning everyone in its path.

I am personally cheesed because SOMEONE (you know who you are fun natzi’s) blocked Facebook and now the firewall hates me. Is ok Firewall, I don’t really like you all that much either. I know you don’t care that I spend most of my waking hours in this office toiling away for the benefit of phone books everywhere and you aren’t concerned that things like Facebook and LOLCats might be my only source of happiness in between the before mentioned toiling. I know you think that anything having to do with Paganism is truly to terrifying or subversive for me to be reading and therefore you must protect me and my employer. Surely they don’t want some witchy woman looking up spells to cast on her general manager during her lunch hour because everyone knows that’s what we do, us crazzzzy pagan researchers….we walk around flippantly casting spells and worshipping Satan and sacrificing small children and bunnies. Kittens and puppies too. Oh yes, believe it! Clearly, a horrifying force is at work if I am looking up the exact dates of the solstice and moon phases. It is quite obvious I am up to no good at all and must be stopped.

Boogedy boogedy boo!

See, the flaming dominos fell my way and I erupted. It’s a nasty thing I tell you, all that negative energy floating around the office. I feel like we could all spontaneously combust at any moment.

Luckily, I plan to defuse all that raging fire by going home and fluffing up my nest a little and playing with the smooshy faced one. I see….hot tea and puppies in my future. A clean house, incense and perhaps…OH JUST MAYBE….I’ll start coloring my bumble bee’s :)

I’m in high spirits today, even though J & C are moving to Utah for certain. I’m ok with it, but I will miss them. J and I have been friends for 20+ years in spite of our vast differences. It seems like a minor miracle actually because we really get on each other’s nerves and C and I went through several rough patches through the years also. Regardless, I will miss them and that baby. Evan is 4 now, unbelievable. I remember changing his little butt and rocking him to sleep many a night. I remember him trying to pull Sandy’s huge hoop earrings out of her ears and her realizing then and there that she would need to give those earrings up should she decide to have children. I also have a lot of fond memories with Max, J, C, and the whole crew. There for a while, we were thick as thieves. Ah, the people we love that come and go in our lives. The experience of learning how to love and release them is a challenging one, but one I’m getting better at navigating.

There are bats, pumpkins, ghosts and Frankenstein’s all over my house. I love Halloween. It appeals to that little girl in me that likes to play dress up and be silly. There will be bumble bee’s a buzzing, that’s for sure. Bailey looks ridiculously adorable in her bee suit, it’s almost unbearable. Mom and Jim might come down for Halloween with their dogs. Sillyness will ensue if that’s the case, Bailey loves everyone. Especially other dogs.

In other Bailey news, she was 8 months yesterday and I fear we are facing the terrible adolescents soon. Didn’t I just get one of those OUT of my house dammit? She’s starting some new behaviors, namely the whining and thinking it’s cool to chase the cats all over the house and throw her bones at them. She’s also become very verbal as of late, which I enjoy very much. She’s a pretty active talker and I spend a lot of time giggling over her little sounds. I’ve been close to animals my whole life, but this little girl is special and I am bonded to her in such a way that I can’t even stand the idea of being away from her very long. Luckily, she’s very mobile and easy to tote around with me. She doesn’t care for the car much I’ve noticed. Unless she’s sitting on my lap with her head out the window, causing a hazard for us and everyone else on the road. Nice.

The best news of the day tho is that Matty’s tests have come back negative for cancer. I don’t have the words other then to say that I love him and I am grateful for his recovery.

This news got me pondering the very significance of life and how each and every one of us is experiencing some kind of seemingly trauamatic situation at any given moment, but things like cancer and tsunamis’ can come along at any time and give us cause for consideration if we are lucky enough to make it in the first place. I dare say it got me out of my own head for a moment, just long enough to catch a glimpse of the many blessings in my life, which in turn, brought me back to life. I need to remember these things when I’m wallowing.

Love to you all
Xo
S

Happy To Report....

I’m happy to report that today is a much better day and that’s saying something for a Monday morning! I had a lovely, productive weekend full of playing with leaves (achoo, achoo, cough, cough), decorating for Halloween, watching scary movies that gave me nightmares (went to see “Paranormal Activity”) and eating lots of green chili and cheese. Yeah buddy. More to report as time allows, for now, see the following of Bailey from Saturday….my beloved little mogwai:

How I Am...

I hadn’t realized folks were actually reading my blog again, so I guess I’d better consider that when it’s not been updated in a while 

Everyone keeps asking “How are you?”
This is a fairly innocuous question I know, so I typically answer it that way. How are you today, Sarah?” Oh I’m fine, my life is just in total upheaval and I feel a little insane, but really….I’m fine. Nothing to see here.

The truth is that if I told people how I really am, they would receive a laundry list of TMI’s (too much information) and I’d be babbling and close to tears before they put their hands up and said “no more”. In a nutshell, this is how I am:

I am concerned/worried/anxious for the people I love and for myself.

I am depressed.

I am exhausted.

I am angry.

I am hurt.

I am sad because I feel lost and unfamiliar inside.

I have something called “tonsillitis” which is going to require that my tonsils be removed at some point and I was home sick with that for a few days, let’s hope if those actually come out, I’ll come out of all this illness that constantly seems to surround me. I know it’s all related to the internal sadness and heartbreaks and depression of recent years, but unfortunately, this is a real physical thing that is going to require actual medical intervention or I will continue to get chronic sinus/ear infections and strep throat at least once a year. I can handle an hour under the scalpel if removing those little bastards will make all that crud go away, or at the very least, lessen the intensity of it all.

I find myself torn between wanting to talk with people about what is going on in my life and wanting to discuss only surface things. Discussing surface things allows us all to pretend that my personal life isn’t in a huge upheaval and gets my mind off of myself for a while and I like that, a lot. I also do care, very deeply, about those I love and even though I’m this horribly self-absorbed person in recent years, I still do care, very much.

Discussing the bigger stuff feels more rewarding (as I’ve always preferred that) but I can only do that with a certain few people because the truth is, there really isn’t anything anyone else can do and sometimes when people try to help, I end up feeling worse. I’m on this journey all by my lonesome, no one can “fix” this, no matter how good their intentions. I get tired of talking about it, and sometimes I really need to talk about it. I have to appreciate the good days for all their worth and find the strength and courage to pull myself up on the bad days and I don’t always do a good job of either.

I am both pushing away and pulling on people at the same time. I am concerning the people in my life who genuinely do care about me and irritating those who don’t me well enough to be concerned.

My triggers are triggering like crazy and I’m fighting them just as hard and it’s a freaking struggle every day.

I feel no real desire to be social with anyone and doing so feels draining, but I do it anyway because I am glad for it afterward.

Being at home with my doggeh and in bed sound really good most of the time. She demands very little and gives me nothing but love, even in the form of her little nibbles.

So, as you can see, I’m a hot hot mess at the moment. I feel like a crazy person. Really.

The good news is that I am seriously loved. I mean really, hugely, ginormously supported and loved by so many people it sometimes makes my head spin. I have more gratitude for this then I can express.

My conversations with Max get easier and more familiar every time and he’s even talking about spending Thanksgiving at my house.

The weekend is on its way and I have lots of Halloween things planned. Pumpkin/costume shopping mainly. Bailey and I are going to be bumble bee’s. It’s going to be a good Halloween this year.

Apathy

A notable lack of passion about much of anything today. Some laughter though. I sneezed at my desk and pistachio went everywhere. Then I was laughing and sneezing and cleaning pistachio bits and snot off my monitor. That was pretty funny. The dog peed in the house this morning (winter weather brings a new set of challenges with potty training) and I felt myself going through the range of motions…oh no, what if this becomes a problem? Why would she do that after she was just outside? Freaking dog, now I have to wash my comforter again….grrrrrr.

Otherwise, I’m just sort of like meh…whatevs. Maybe it’s the weather. It’s freezing and rainy and supposed to snow tonight. I’m really tired today too, not a lot of sleep last night. Dreams keep coming in waves. They all seem to involve Max on trains, air plane crashes, being lost in New York City or driving off a cliff. They can be pretty startling, last night I woke up after the lost in NYC dream. The buildings are huge, you can’t see any sky and they are all very looming. I don’t envision NYC like this at all, in fact, it’s somewhere I’d like to visit one day. But, in my dreams…it’s a scary place for some reason.

Anyway, back to work. Blah, don’t even care about that today. I’d rather be at home, under the covers with the pee pee dog.

Really?

Please don’t come to work if you are sick. If you have a fever, you shouldn’t be here. If someone in your family has the flu, you are supposed to stay home. That’s what everyone is saying. Please cut those of us with no PTO time left a friggen break.

I find that I really am good for only about 7 hours of solid work each day, that’s with an hour long lunch. My brain just can’t crunch much longer without getting distracted and/or overloaded.

I find that I have days where I am increasingly frustrated with people who just can’t take me seriously no matter how much I prove that I am NOT a bubble head. This is how I came out of the womb people. If the blonde hair, sparkly personality and giggling voice are just too much for you then that’s just too damn bad. Maybe YOU just have a giant bug up your butt, did that ever occur to you? And think of it, I’m mildly depressed at the moment and I’m STILL a giggle puss. Just imagine how obnoxious I am when I’m really happy. Put THAT bug up your butt and smoke it.

I find that no matter how hard I try, I just can’t go a single day without eating cheese. It’s like torture and life is too short for self-inflicted torture. The world hands out plenty of that for us.

I find that there really isn’t anything in the world like a best friend. The ones who know you well enough to know when and how to break down your walks and get to the point, without hurting your feelings or taking it personally. The ones who will bring you Nyquill and 7Up when you are sick. The kind that you can trust to watch your children or animals or plants if you go out of town. The kind that love you no matter how full of shit you might be on any given day. I know they must only come along a few times in a life time if ever, I’ve definitely been blessed in the “girlz” department.

I find that the men in my office really are insufferable, but I am fond of them nonetheless because even the jack-asses become your brothers given enough time and lunches.

I find myself thinking of a new tattoo more then I probably should.

Assery

I’m happy to report that I am definitely feeling better. At first, I was pretty cheesed at the idea of spending the weekend sneezing, coughing and blowing my nose. And missing the corn maze with Crystal and Dane, but I’m glad I was a good girl and stayed in bed. I must’ve slept at least 10 hours each night and lots of naps each day, which is always something one can appreciate.

In other news, I’d just like to report that Sean is a total ass. I can’t even believe the kind of assery he thinks he can get away with. It is unbelievable that a 40 year old man behaves in this manner, but then again, THIS particular 40 year old man has yet to disappoint me in the assery department. That said, last Thursday went a little something like this:

I’m working from home with what turned out to be the worst of the cold/sinus crap last week (thank goodness) and I start getting all these nasty texts from Max telling me I need to get the state to stop taking money of his dad’s checks and who do I think I am still trying to collect, etc…etc…etc…

HUH?

a) Why in the heck is Max even involved in this conversation?
b) Max obviously doesn’t have all the details, that is very clear by what he was saying and it was basically Sean’s words being regurgitated from my baby’s mouth.
c) I have done everything I am supposed to do revoke the child support order, Sean was the one slacking in getting the required information to my employer and the state regarding Max’s health insurance. I am not even getting checks any more and haven’t since August

I catch my breath and try to explain to Max calmly that he shouldn’t even be involved in this conversation, period the end and that Sean and I need to discuss this directly. Which, for the record, I have called Sean and left a voice mail regarding this issue at least 4 different times now. I figured there are just only so many attempts one can make before ones says hey, I’ve done my due diligence, it’s on you now buddy.

Max is just irate (I’m assuming because Sean was probably being a huge jerk to Max as a result of this issue, which is never even should’ve gotten this far anyway, but I digress) and insists I call Sean immediately and resolve this. So, I suck up my pride and call Sean. He begins the conversation by accusing me of trying to black mail him, that I am trying to scam him because that is the kind of shady person I am.

Explanation: Sean has always insisted I am out for his money. Ha, what money? But anyway, when I got pregnant with Max and decided I was going to have this baby, he immediately began accusing me of trying to trap him and make him support me and Max. It just went south from that point on.

Anyway, Sean continues to berate, accuse, disrespect and threaten me until I finally yell back at him to let me speak. He hangs up. Calls me back 5 minutes later and is acting just as crazy, if not more. He will not let me get a word in edgewise to explain what is going on, he hangs up on me again. He calls back a few minutes later and is literally screaming into the phone and then he did it, he threatened me physically and I hung up on him.

That said, I then spent the next 2 hours making phone calls and found out that the state and my employer had literally just received the day before the paper work Sean should’ve sent over a month ago. Meanwhile, Max is continuing to send me snarky texts and act as if this is all my doing. Like on purpose, like I’m trying to make things harder for them or something. Finally, I had to clearly tell Max to back off of me and to stay out of it. Which he seemed to respect and I felt really bad for the poor kid, all this war between his parents. That must suck

I send Sean a text and explain to him what’s going on (he’ll be reimbursed with all the support they took out of his check for September) and called it day. I get a text from him later that night saying “Thanks for your cooperation?” What? Are you freaking high dood? I was never being uncooperative to begin with. In fact, I’ve been pretty compliant over all with this situation. There is something very seriously wrong with this person. I know this for sure, if he threatens me like that again, I will get a restraining order. I won’t have a choice. And his behavior does nothing to reassure me that my son is safe. Not to mention what Max must be hearing about me. I know how scary Sean can be when he’s in that head space. Max is not used to that kind of crazy. My cup of crazy is only half full, Sean’s is over flowing. I’ve once never gone around putting my fists through walls, breaking windows and screaming obscenities at the top of my lungs. I’m not saying Sean is doing this with my son in the house, but based on how he was talking to me…that’s exactly what I envisioned, or worse. After all, we are talking about someone who never had a problem hitting me while I was pregnant and grabbing Max out of my arms so he could beat the hell out of me.

Yes, I get it that this stuff is going to bring up a lot of trauma from our history. Sean has put me through a lot at a very young age and I get it that some of my reactions to this might be post traumatic stress stuff. I can accept all that. But I have to be strong and maintain some sense of sanity between us for Max. I have to find a way to overcome all that fight or flight stuff that comes up for me when Sean starts the threats and manipulations, because when he is yelling at me like that, I am literally shaking with both rage and fear. I hate that I’m still scared of him, I hate that I’m not “better” in this regard, I’m 33 years old after all. I should have better coping skills then this right? Cripes.

Anyway, I think things are “ok” between Max and I. I’ve gotten a few emails from him, strangley though, all asking me for money. I’m undecided on how to handle the money thing. On the one hand, I think Sean should be responsible for all of Max’s financial needs. I did it for 15 years without a dime from Sean, surely he can figure it out for the next 11 months until Max turns 18? On the other hand, I don’t want my son to suffer for it either. Though, it has been pointed out to me that maybe Max needs to see the results of his choices just as I have to bare the burden of my own. That maybe bailing him out right now isn’t the best thing, even though my little mommy heart strings are all a flutter and full of worry.

Ugh. Well, at least I know Sean is consistently and ass. My rational side says he’s feeling threatened too, he’s probably overwhelmed also, he has zero ability to have conflict resolution in any kind of way and even less ability to parent and manage his own stress. The other side of me, the part that is tired of letting him intimidate me, just says “He’s an ASS, that’s just the way it is and when someone acts that way, you treat them that way.” It’s like dealing with a big giant toddler throwing a fit. Kristen said: “You know Sarah, all you can do is live your life and do the best you can. Sean is going to be an asshole today and tomorrow and the day after that.” That made me laugh, gawd I love that woman. She has a fair amount of experience in this department, her baby daddy and Sean used to be best friends. So you can imagine what kind of guy Bethany’s dad is, just as bad, worse in some ways. Kristen always handles it with a lot of grace and strength, so I shall look to her and my many other resources when I feel overcome by the madness of all of this.

Sigh. Glad that day is over. Cheers to the many more to come. Not.

M’s surgery is tomorrow. Of course, I’m trying not to worry or panic because she’s really freaking tough and brave. But I love her and I won’t feel ok until she’s out of surgery and safe and sound. So, extra big ju ju out for her tomorrow.

I miss Crystal, I am pissed I still haven’t seen her. What a sucky friend I am right now. To everyone it feels like. I’m just sort of floating through the days. Sometimes it goes by so fast I’m like WHOA, it’s what day already? Other times, it drags and I feel like I’m living in slow motion. I feel much more clear headed today though, for the first time in a few weeks now so that’s good.

I’m very nervous about my review coming up. This summer wasn’t exactly kind in terms of hours and my ability to focus. I’ve had better summers, that’s for sure. Cross your fingers on that review, probably some time in November. Nancy is on vacation next week and that’s when she’s doing them. I told her I’d give her rum money if she promised to drink it will doing my review.

That’s all for now. Love to you all.
S

ugh can't focus today

Either I have zero motivation to work (even tho I have loads to do) or I just can’t focus because I am to the point where I’m sitting here just staring at code, going “durrrhhhhhhhhhhh.” We are rewriting our core application starting November 1 and I have been tasked with helping to build requirements for the rewrite because I’m so familiar with the application. I will say writing requirements isn’t my favorite thing to do. It gives me brain damage trying to think of every possible detail because forgetting something would be criminal that’s for certain, we are talking about people’s phone books here and the gods might strike me down should I list a field type as VarChar instead of a Char. Pure tedium Hey, it pays the bills and this should keep me busy through next October at this rate. I surely won’t complain about having a job to come to every day, I just need to remember when to take breaks.

I’m a little cranky today. I’m feeling that need to retreat within and escape and that urge is something I am dissecting rather submitting to. This urge is strong at times and it can manifest itself in many many ways, some of them are extremely productive and those are what we put energy into. I no longer consider the self destructive behaviors as options. Since doing so, it’s amazing how you can get through the anxiety and cranky days without doing something you regret. It passes, it always does.

One area of particular focus on this subject is that I’ve lived in the drama for such a long period of time in my life (off and on) that when things are just kind of “oK’ and nothing is blowing up, I tend to get very anxious. in the past, I can see times when I’ve unintentionally, but still played a role in creating some kind of drama to deal with. So you see, now that I’m settling into this new life after the last series of drama and things are kind of working themselves out for me on a daily basis, new routines, etc….I find myself either waiting for something awful to happen (the current fear is getting laid off) or getting all antsy about wanting to go DO something about it, but I never know what and we all know that old habits die hard so I fight the urges to be self destructive and thus, do nothing, which feels a little unproductive and wasteful.

Tonight tho, after a few light chores, a bath is on the agenda. I also have some delicious spinach tortellini’s to make for dinner and I’m looking forward to that and snuggling my dog. Who cares if I don’t clean the house tonight or mow the lawn or do anything one might deem productive, it’ll still be there tomorrow. Sometimes, doing nothing is way better then doing something you later regret.

Everyone run, here come the hormones....

So, I’ve learned enough about my body to know when the hormones are coming and given my normal cycle, they should hit any day now. Last months were really really bad. Max’s first birthday away from home didn’t help. This time, I plan to take a whole lot better care of myself. But do be prepared for some whining, cuz you know it’s coming :D

The most rockin’ part is that I can be a hormonal bitch if I want to, I don’t have anyone at home that I need to man up for. HA! Take that.

Gaia tortured a poor gardener snake to death this weekend and looked puzzled when it stopped “playing” with her. She pawed and stared for longer then I imagine I could even stand to see if that thing was going to come back to life and play with me and then promptly dropped the whole situation and moved on to the grasshoppers bouncing all over my backyard. After ensuring Gaia was indeed done with the snake, Bailey went and gobbled it up when she thought no one was looking. Apparently, this snake is the gift that keeps on giving because I then felt a warm, squishy sensation under my toes as I went into my room to prepare for bed. Mmmm, regurgitated snake bits. I’m so lucky my doggy loves me enough to share everything with me, even the dead stuff.

This weekend is Dane’s birthday and there are plans for the corn maze and possibly a movie. I’m looking forward to it, I’ve really missed them.

Micheal Moore was Bill Mahr last weekend, that was good stuff. I can’t wait to see his new movie, probably do that on Friday night.

Matty’s last treatment is this week, I really hope it goes well for him. It’s been a hard year, I hope this can mark a new beginning in his recovery.

Speaking of recovery, I learned this weekend that my meds interact pretty strongly with alcohol and spent Saturday paying for what would normally be a slight blip in my radar. Apparently, I can have approximately ¼ of what I’m used to or suffer the consequences and those consequences are a definite deterrent. Ugh!

I wish Iran would stop playing the “look what we can do” card with us and attend the Geneva convention with a very convincing argument about why we shouldn’t react so strongly because they are freaking me out. I know I don’t really need to sit here and list the number of reasons why the word “nuclear” freaks me out, but I am anxious about this thing turning ugly. We all know Iran was on Bush’s radar at some point, I know Obama doesn’t share that radar screen (thank the gods) but it doesn’t mean Iran isn’t feeling anxious anyway, I mean cripes….look what we are doing to their neighbors? Wouldn’t you feel a little defensive? I think I might, so I don’t know that I can blame them for wanting to have access to the same measures that we have to protect themselves. Sadly, this of course means there’s just one more group of people out there running around with missles pointed at each other and I just can’t wrap my head around that. They should fill those missiles up with maple syrup, non-lethal but very very messy and annoying. In fact, I think being annoyed is a fate worse then death, so maybe we can all start fighting wars without killing each other, just being really really annoying? Idiots.

PS: I finally found out that I really don’t like swiss cheese unless it’s on a Rueben. That is all.

Wish it was 4 OClock on a Friday

Wah. It’s not 4 pm yet. This has been the longest week on record. I am really ready for it to be over. Let’s see, on the agenda for this weekend: NOTHING! BUWAHAHAHA! It’s all mine, yes! Score one for the Tree Fruit. I might go see a movie tonight w/ D if I feel up to it. All I know is that there will be a lot of resting and not much working. Sigh….weekends….how I adore you.

Note to self, must take most medications with food. My little nervous system just isn’t designed to tolerate meds without something in mah belly, else I have a rougher time then expected. Still a little jittery and weird today, but a definate improvement from yesterday.

Am having some weird flashbacks and making connections about things I hadn’t previously thought of. Funny how when your mind begins to clear, that happens. I wouldn’t say my mind is the picture of clarity at the moment, far from it, but I surely do feel more able to focus and be on task which results in the kind of productivity that is both rewarding and has a purpose. Plus, my mind isn’t racing with insanity and I can actually think about things with a bit more objectivity. It’s good.

Well that’s it for now, I guess I should try to get some work done. Cripes. That’s what they pay me the big bucks for right? blahhh

ok, better....Happy Thursday.

I feel better this morning, mood wise. Physically, I still feel like butt. Sinus thing kinda kicking me in the head, but considering all the people I know with health problems I feel I really can’t complain about a sinus headache and creepy all over feeling that won’t quite go away. I also realize this could be due to all this emotional work I am doing right now, it’s been pointed out to me that emotional stuff can manifest itself into physical stuff (which I know, but forget sometimes) so I’m focusing on taking really good care of myself and getting to work every day. Last night I went home, made grilled cheese and soup for dinner, did crosswords and snuggled my dog. Was in bed by 9 and asleep by 9:30 or so.

I am having some wildly vivid dreams. Last night’s was about Chance. At first in my dream, I was kind and tolerant of him. Overly so, to which of course he was receptive and began taking advantage of very quickly. Then I completely went off on him, accusing him of ruining my life, which he responded to by deflecting it all unto me (typical, no accountability) and acting as if I’d said nothing at all. Then I beat the living hell out of him with my little fists. Rather violent for me, so this woke me up and I was breathing heavily and everything. Hmmmm, no unresolved issues there huh?

Max and I spoke for about 30 minutes yesterday. Babble about nothing really, but it’s the longest we’ve spoken since he moved. He was receptive and actually participated in the conversation. It was good enough that I didn’t hang up and cry after, so that’s something.

The weekend looks quiet, girls night maybe on Friday night if everyone is up to it. Based on how I feel at the moment, that seems unlikely but we’ll see. I wish it was next weekend, Micheal Moore’s new movie comes out and I can’t wait to see that. Love him or hate him, no one can deny that he makes these issues palatable for the average consumer, which helps to both inform and motivate. It’s a dirty job, but someone has to do it.

Well, I’m in a craptastic mood today. Bailey decided that she was going to be up, then down, then up again ALL night long. This went on from midnight until 4 AM. It’s just like having an infant. And I’m thinking of adding ANOTHER puppy to the mix in 6 months? I must be crazy. I would say this is one of the first times I’ve left the house feeling really agitated with her. I’ve tolerated her nipping, puppy gnawings, potty training and all the things that go along with having a puppy, but last night definitely did some wear and tear on my nerves on the Bailey front.

Then, the Excel Energy doods show up at my door at 7:15 AM while I’m still in my bathrobe, slippers and hair towel on my head wanting access to the back yard to trim the trees. They left a note yesterday saying they’d be by today and to leave the gate open, but I didn’t expect them at 7:15 AM. I am glad they are coming to trim the trees, but seriously people…can you give a girl until 8 AM to come barging in and upsetting the whole damn household? Meanwhile, Bailey is barking her fool head off because of all these strange men stomping through the back yard and I’m trying to get ready for work. Gaia is clawing at kitchen window SCREEN to be let in (probably the most annoying habit she’s picked up thus far), Pumpkin is meowing like she’s just going to DIE if I don’t feed her RIGHT NOW and I still don’t have any real clothes on.

No.

THEN, I get to work and check my home email and this woman who was supposed to come pick up the elliptical I am selling emails me and says she can’t make it after all, husband doesn’t want to bother with it…blah blah excuses. This is the 4th time in 2 weeks I’ve had someone flake on me after I’ve held the damn thing for them.

I’ve had a sinus headache for weeks now, I don’t feel quite right at the moment and the weather just makes me want to go back to my comfy warm bed and flip the bird to the world. I’m worried about Mary, I have to call Max today (anxiety provoking activity) and I really really wish it was Friday.

RAWR!!!!!!

I know, I’m real scary.

Well, Mother Nature is surely pushing us into saying goodbye to summer whether we like it or not. I like that about her, crafty old crone…she’s probably had just about enough of our crap for one millennium and is keeping us on our toes. A few benefits to cooler, wetter weather:

- You have an excellent excuse to snuggle the ones you love under a blanket with a good book, movie or your favorite episode of whatever tv show catches your fancy.
- Sweaters, hoodies, scarves and hiking boots.
- Leaves turn and begin to fall, which if you are lucky enough to live by Aspen tree’s is an even more exciting event.
- Grilled cheese and soup for dinner.
- Cool nights that translate into cool mornings with squeeashy puppies under the covers. Man I loves me that dog!

If it does actually snow tonight, I’m thinking I’ll probably need to get the camera out and throw Bailey out in it and start snapping photo’s because if I know that doggeh, it’ll be a photo worthy event.

My mood is improving, I still have really shitty days and that’s just the way it is. We’ll see what the wonders of modern medicine can do for me. So far, I have the WORST cotton mouth ever and I’m a little drowsy, well and I guess I just feel different. So far, in a good, positive way. I am definitely able to focus more at work which is nice (if you don’t count this blogg entry in the middle of my work day LOL) and I feel more able to think things through instead of just immediately reacting.

In news completely unrelated to little old self absorbed me: Crystal is here! TA DAAAAA! Yay. This makes me a very very happy tree fruit. I can’t believe that now, I can drive 30 minutes and there she is! Their new house is just lovely and Crystal is taking a lot of time to set up her nest so that it represents her, Dane and their marriage. Which is quite a lovely thing in and of itself. I’m still REALLY jealous about the chopper thingy, WANT!

P is talking about a visit, I hope that can happy for her. Ok, I want her to come for me more then anything…but I know how this stuff can go. I love my Spicy Wasabi P, especially when she has her Vulcan ears on cuz she’s at her spiciest then. Secretly, I’m hatching a plan to move P and her kiddo out here to so that I’d be surrounded by all my girls and then I’d be in femme fatale heaven!

Seriously, when I think of the women in my life it’s like something you’d see in a sit com or a modern day Charlie’s Angels. That would be scary, all of us as Charlie’s Angels? I’d pity the poor man that got in our way. I get to the cute blonde seductress who uses her seemingly innocent charm to lure them in and then poison them. BUWAAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. Take that beeetches.

Whoa…what would happen if I managed to get my cousins and Aunties and GramE & Grandpa John here too? Holy crap….NOW I’m thinking huge I know. Oh well, I never said I wasn’t totally selfish. I mean really, some days I wonder how the world even continues to function when I go to sleep at night.

Life kind of plugs along, I’m still getting through the days one at a time and that’s ok. I don’t make a lot of plans or commit to much more then I can do in the foreseeable future. I am enjoying doing things on my own terms and in my own space. My plans for classes and things are on hold for about another month or so and then I can start looking at what interests me. Right now I’m thinking of a Spanish class, a creative writing class (en espanol? No beuno!), an art class of some kind or belly dancing. Oh and puppy training classes with the Mogwai. She’s so smart, it’s a shame not to put all that brilliance to good use.

I speak with Max on Wednesdays and we talk often. I’ll let you know how tomorrow’s talk goes. Last weeks wasn’t so great, he’s being pretty jerky to me and sounds more like his father then I can stomach. But such is the reality of the situation. I still can’t help but feel this isn’t permanent, perhaps that’s my instinct talking to me or maybe I’m just in denial. Who knows.

Peace out for now
Xo

Princess Post

Once up a time, long long ago there was a pretty pretty princess with long blonde hair, lots of freckles and a castle full of energy. She was a happy princess, she loved the world and everyone in it; she was very bouncy and playful. She played with kittens and butterfly’s and flourished for a while. But as time passed, the freckles and energy faded, she encountered a few ogres, kissed a few frogs and her love for the world was challenged.

After the world would hand her another blow, the princess would cry huge drippy tears that distorted her face and reddened her eyes, but she was resilient and always bounced back eventually, usually only after filling up buckets and buckets with her tears. And, she was never ever afraid to let the tears fall, no matter who might see them.

Then one day, after a particularly painful abrasion, the princess found herself unable to cry openly or not at all. Oh the tears made themselves known, that wasn’t the problem. They stung and stabbed at her eyes. They lumped her throat and caused her jaw to tighten. But no matter how they battered her, she was simply unable to allow them to actually fall from her eyes. She would fight them back with all her might, getting angry at the tears for embarrassing her and making her feel vulnerable to whomever might bare witness to them. She would look away as the tears rose and fell in her throat, squeeze her eyes tightly, and remain silent until they passed. It was like she was helpless to will the tears to fall even if she wanted them to.

At first, this was a great puzzle to the princess. She’d never thought herself as emotionally capable of so many of her fellow princesses seemed to be. After all, some of those princesses had really been through the ringer and they didn’t blubber like a baby every time they got a little scratch. She knew she was a soft spirit, sensitive, overly so some might say. But here she was, almost over night, somehow suddenly a much less externally emotional being then she once was. Even if her lip was quivering half the time, a colossal shift had occurred and she felt robotic in nature. This made the sweet princess very anxious because she didn’t want to build up a wall that even she couldn’t climb. Plus, like her beloved hugs, peanut butter and wine; those tears had been her friends for so many years. They’d served her well in the past, cleansed her and allowed her to sleep all those restless nights when the wounds ached loudly.

The princess wondered if it was possible to cry a life time of tears in a few short years. Had she used them all up? Was there a quota and she’d already reached hers? Maybe the gods had frowned on all the self-indulgent water works and cursed her with dry eyes for an eternity? And then, they came. They came in great rivers and floods and waterfalls. They came on a day she would normally be celebrating, but instead she was mourning in great anguish. Her heart burned and begged for relief from all the pain she felt, all that she’d been stuffing down for months. She sobbed until her eyes seared and could not produce even one more tear. After, she slept. She woke up in agony, but at least the tears had finally come to her rescue when she needed them most.

From this, the princess learned that there will be ogres, there will be heart break, the tears will come whether she wants them to or not, there is no shame in this. Like all creatures, great and small, she is still learning and all learning must have a curve. We have to find a way to release the dark to make room for the light. It’s true that the princess is more cautious and tender then she might have once been, but that’s ok because she’s all the stronger from the learning curve. Life has a way of doing that to a girl.

Michael Franti: Hey World (Don't Give Up)

Solitary does not equal secluded…..

Naturally, transitional periods bring about new understandings, experiences and processes. This is an understatement really when you consider what these past several years have been like but today I am going to focus on how I am experiencing living on my own for the first time in my life.

Emotional/Physical/Social:

Pro’s

• The decrease in crisis point stress is notable.
• I no longer feel held captive by the moods, behaviors and choices of others.
• I am able to sleep again.
• Every day I am being reminded of how strong and capable I am.
• I feel motivated to pay close attention to my health and general well being for the first time in 5 or 6 years.
• I have more time and able to focus on my own needs, wants interests and desires.
• I have a kind of freedom I have never known, not ever…..I can do what I want, when I want, with whom I want.
• I am suddenly “Sarah the Adult w/ no kid @ home” at 33 years old and it’s pretty damn exciting.
• I am feeling incredibly supported and loved.
• I have more time and energy to focus on my existing relationships and consider building new ones.

Cons
• I am suddenly “Sarah the Adult w/ no kid @ home” at 33 years old and it’s pretty damn scary (at times.)
• The crisis point stress reduction was definitely the only option for everyone involved, but given the circumstances a new form of anxiety and depression has taken its place.
• This experience has dug up some dark demons from my past.
• It has also sparked some drama between Pam and I, which sucks after all we’ve overcome.
• I have no idea what to do with myself half the time.
• I feel like I am constantly fighting to stay on track, focused, in control.
• My entire life is totally disrupted; I sometimes feel I am still in shock and trying to acclimate to new routines and ways of thinking.
• Some days I feel like I am screwed up beyond repair.
• Some times I feel a little overwhelmed by a couple of people in my life, like they aren’t giving me enough space or respecting the situation enough and I’m not always sure how to communicate that without hurting anyone’s feelings.
• I am having a lot of anxiety about my weight, more then usual.

Environmental:

Pro’s
• The only dishes are my own. The dishwasher is run once per week instead of every other day.
• The only laundry to be done is my own. There is also far less laundry because there is less need for towels, bed linens, etc…
• The garbage can is emptied twice per week versus every day or every other day.
• Everything (bathroom, kitchen, floors, and general surfaces) stays cleaner unless I have people over.
• Noise is kept to a minimum unless I am bumping the music or the animals are talking excessively.
• I don’t have to worry about whether I have clothes on (one of my personal favorites!)
• I love all the physical space, spreading out has its advantages.
• The house is my own, it’s starting to feel like my own little sacred space and I enjoy nurturing that. I am not contending with greasy bike parts, video game chords, baseball caps and other man crap all over the place. If I want to make it a little princess fairy land then I can.
• The animals are considerably calmer in general and I don’t feel I am fighting with someone else to be consistent in training Bailey or working with the cats. Also, Gaia is noticeably less aggressive.

Cons
• Right now, the door to Max’s room stays shut at all times. I’m still not ready to deal with it.
• I like having someone there when I go into the storage areas, there are huge bugs/spiders in there and I am not as trusting after the Brown Recluse incident.
• This hasn’t happened yet, but I know there are going to be days where I feel really lonely and the house is a little too quiet.
• I like the yard work actually, but I wouldn’t mind having someone to help out with that once in a while.
• I occasionally feel like a jerk for living in a 3 bedroom house with just one person. I know people with 5 kids who live in less space then I do. Not to mention the extra few hundred I am paying rent each month versus something smaller.

Economical:

Pro’s
• I am no longer responsible for food, clothing, school supplies/fee’s, sports equipment/fee’s, bike parts, health insurance, allowance, personal items, etc…for another person. The amount I am saving on food alone is ridiculous.
• I spend about 1/4th what I used to on things like toilet paper, paper towels, soap, shampoo/conditioner, dish-soap, dishwasher soap, laundry detergent, fabric softener (Max used to use 5 of them EVERY time he dried his clothes), etc.
• Now, if I can just get 100% caught up from all that car drama this summer we’ll be in better shape.

Cons
• I am no longer head of household and do not have a dependant. That’s going to affect my net worth each month, but I am thinking with everything else it’s going to work out in the wash.

This list does not feel conclusive for me, but I feel I need to stop here. What is probably apparent here is that there’s a large part of me that is enjoying, no….embracing this new “life” and running with it, trying to explore and experience every aspect of it with open arms and chin up.

Then, there are the voices and the old baggage that pop up and like to really cause my feathers to ruffle. Not to mention the situation with Max burning in the back ground at all times. Therapy is helping tremendously, some days it’s a struggle just to get there. Other days I wonder how I got through life this far without her. Max’s birthday was really bad. I barely could get out of bed, sobbed most of the day, had to go home early and had a panic attack in the car. I had an appointment that afternoon with her and I can truthfully say that without that appointment, I may have not made it out of bed the next day.

I can tell you that I am undoubtedly experiencing a change unlike any other before. I have really positive, exciting days. I have really rough, down days. But I’m getting through it and I’m doing ok, mostly. And when I’m not, I call my family or my friends who are like family and cry about it or let people hold me and comfort me.

Bottom line here for anyone wondering….unplanned, unexpected empty nest isn’t for wimps!

Till next time….

Today, I am reminded of the progress I am making and it’s starting to FEEL like progress.

Today, I am reminded of the many skills I do possess, I just need a little help remember how to use them.

Today, I am reminded that I am intelligent, articulate, capable and a fine communicator.

Today, I am reminded that I must be firm in my boundaries with people once I can truly understand what they are, whether that means they no longer “like” me or not.

Today, I am reminded of all the reasons I am beginning to enjoy living alone. I could easily fill up an entire blog just on this subject.

Today, I am reminded that my connection with the divine has not been lost and that I am loved as much as any other day.

Today, I am reminded that I have not failed. I have experienced.

Today, I am reminded that I will have days where I feel like this and days where I will feel hopeless and sad. That’s ok.

Blogg

Clearly my blogg has been a casualty of these recent months of transition. It saddens me to admit that I really have had no interest in writing lately, nor have I had the energy to sit down and hash through all the details as of late, truly it’s just exhausting to think about. There is a definite shift in what I’d prefer to share, how and when to do that, etc…..plus, Facebook has kind of wormed it’s way into my life so my blogg ends up getting ignored while Facebook gets all the love these days. Poor blogg.

So, that said, I am at place of indecision about what to do with my blogg because it’s something I’ve invested a lot of energy and time into and I can’t really see me just scrapping it. No, that definitely cannot happen. It’s been a tool of both documentation and communication and a useful one at that. I like going back and reading through previous entries, I like the process of journaling where I’m at and what I am learning about, I like it all…it’s just that lately I’ve been depressed and haven’t felt like doing much of anything other then what is absolutely required of me. You know how that goes…this stretch has lasted several months, but I’m now seeing that I must continue to explore that which is positive, enlightening, uplifting and encouraging. Writing are all of those things and more. Now it’s a matter of trying to decide where to go with it next, which one could easily argue is what my whole life is about at the moment. There is always the possibility that I may go more private with it, which I think is a very plausible option…we’ll see. That or I may have to reconsider some of my own personal blogging policies thus far….

For now, I think I will just make some random notes and see where that takes us….

- I am feeling some irritation today. A little consumed by others, which is mostly my own fault for allowing it to go on in the first place. Those old boundary issues creeping up on me again, as usual.

- Looking forward to going home tonight and playing w/ my Bailey Boo Boo. She nommed my pillow again this morning and made me laugh. She’s definitely my saving grace most days. Getting another puppy/friend for her AND I is still a pretty big consideration for the spring of 2010. She is lonely I think, big time.

- It’s interesting how time can change people. For some people, it seems to cause really good, positive changes….I am not convinced I’m one of those people yet.

- yawn….more tomorrow. Or sometime soon….I am pretty non committal these days.

The Summer That Did Not Relent....Or Forgive - Part 2 - Cat Chaos

Next, we shall discuss the current state of cat chaos that seems to permeate my existence. We’ll start with Pumpkin because she often ranks simultaneously as “the most amazing cat that ever lived” and “the most annoying cat that ever lived.” Awwww, poor Pumpkin kitty.

The spring and early summer were kind to Pumpkin. She truly seemed as healthy and happy as anyone could possibly expect for a 20 year old feline and I was pleased to see she hadn’t had a seizure in several months. She was even beginning to take those tentative first steps outside to explore her new surroundings. Then the seizure came and it was a bad one. I sat there with her, hoping this wouldn’t be how she finally does make her way to kitty heaven and thankfully it did not. But she was acting very strange, which prompted all those horrible thoughts I always face when she has a seizure. Is she suffering? Is it time for me to help her move on? I am of the opinion that she’s on her 9th life at this point, so I doubt she’ll be back to visit me which makes me sad. It’s all very complex and confusing as any of you who have cats know. I believe that next to loosing a human we love, loosing our companion animals can be just as devastating.

As if the anxiety of how to manage an ailing cat isn’t hard enough, it turns out, Pumpkin had other, far more interesting plans for me. Apparently, she didn’t intend on waiting around me for me to figure out what to do next. She took actions into her own paws and up and disappeared on me one Sunday. At first, this was no real cause for alarm. Cats aren’t like dogs; they aren’t super glued to your side at all times. They wander and crawl under beds and jump up into cabinets, they are curious and independent by nature. Qualities I’ve long admired and appreciated. So, naturally I’m not going to flip out if she’s not sitting in her normal spot some random night.

But the next morning, she still wasn’t in her room, sleeping where she normally sleeps and this DID get my attention. So I called for her, put her breakfast out and tried to ignore the worried voices getting louder in my head. By the time I got home and saw that her food was untouched the most horrible feeling of dread came over me. I spent hours calling her, searching every nook and cranny in the house, every nook and cranny SURROUNDING the house and then began the mostly depressing, but still hopeful process of posting/searching Craigslist and other online sites for lost/found pets. The online search went on well into the late evening and I really don’t want to relive the thoughts racing through my mind because all I could think about was what could’ve happened to her and I pretty much lost it. Trying to sleep was pointless.

By Tuesday morning, I’d settled into a pretty nasty dark place. Feeling like a total failure to her. How could I let this happen to Pumpkin who’s been such a good friend to me? If she did crawl off to die somewhere, why didn’t I do something sooner? I’m not exaggerating when I say that it was one of the worst days I can remember. I didn’t expect it all to hit me so hard. I always thought when Pumpkin’s time came, that I would handle it well because she’d had such a long, happy life. But given the circumstances, my heart felt broken. Like I’d really let her down and I would have no closure with her, like so many things in my life, she was gone. Just like that. I was convinced I should never be allowed to bring another cat, dog, hamster, fish, reptile, plant or human child into my house ever again because my track record recently has been sub par. Kasha, Pumpkin, Jessie…sigh. These thoughts are part of what prompted me to go back to therapy FYI, I decided that I have to go every week until I learn to stop hating myself when I have a perceived failure and start loving myself again so I can stop whining about it all and move on. More on that later…

I should also note that I was not the only one who was distraught over Pumpkin’s disappearance. It seemed to have affected a lot of people in my life because naturally I was stressed out and called unto my friends for support. I really appreciated how empathetic everyone was.

Tuesday evening I had previous arrangements with my mom to meet up so I could get her desktop that I’d promised to reformat and re-install the OS AND I had dinner plans with an acquaintance I’d already cancelled on 2 different times in the past 2 months and I just couldn’t do it again. Not even I am that flakey. So even though I had zero energy and couldn’t seem to get through a sentence without crying, I went through with my plans and it was a good thing because if nothing else, it got me out of the house and gave my heart a reprieve from the overwhelming sadness.

Around 10:30 that evening after dinner was over and I had 2 large glasses of red wine to anestitihize the whole situation, I opened my front door and the porch light caught the unmistakable reflection of laser eyes in the back French door window. At first I thought it might be Gaia’s, but there was no shadowy figure, no bulk to indicate that it was Gaia’s form. Plus, Gaia was sitting on the counter in the kitchen flicking her tail and looking annoyed that I’d interrupted her nap. So I opened the back door and Pumpkin attempted to leap onto my shoulder (she is a parrot cat after all) and narrowly missed my face with back claws as I managed to get the situation under control. I cried, scolded her severely and then cried some more. My dinner companion was in total shock - he was of the opinion that “it’s just a cat and why are you so upset?” to which I glared at him (asshole, how could he NOT understand how mortified I was that my childhood cat had disappeared without a trace? Men are so insensitive some times, gar!) and mumbled something like “not to me she’s not” – at the whole unfolding scene and suddenly seemed as thrilled as I was to see Pumpkin. Apparently, happiness and joy are infectious. Ha, I could’ve told HIM that but that’s a whole other story all together that does not result in happily ever after so I’ll skip it.

After inspecting Pumpkin for any obvious injuries, she was promptly bathed. There was Vaseline like substance all down her spine, starting from the top of her head to the first section of her tail. It was disgusting and it looked like maybe she did the elevator-butt thing on something and ended up with a nasty slick of Vaseline on her which had accumulated some gross stuff from the time it initially occurred. The bathing process was humiliating for her (which I kept reminding her that she probably deserved for doing that to me in the first place) and a little frustrating for me because she is so fragile that it’s hard to give her a bath without worrying about hurting her. Her howling like she was being tortured and trying to scratch my eyes out with her non existent front claws didn’t help either. I wish I’d gotten a picture of her all wet and looking like something a much larger cat had just vomited up, but she took off for her room and went under the bed and stayed there for a solid 2 days, coming out for only food, water and kitty box visits.

Once I shared the news that Pumpkin was back, I ended up having to scold her on the behalf of all the other people in our lives who were worried about her. She didn’t really seem to care, but I let her have it on account of every single one 

I still am not sure why I just automatically assumed that Pumpkin had disappeared and left me without me getting a chance to stay goodbye, but that’s exactly what it felt like, no matter which way I tried to rationalize it internally. I know this probably sounds like pretty hysterical thinking (and obviously a strong motivator for therapy because it’s totally jumping to conclusions and then preparing myself for the worst) but I had this really strong feeling that she probably wouldn’t be making it back and so I think I was preparing myself for her not to return. I do that. With the people in my life all the time, if there is a conflict or I am frustrated with them and I feel I can’t approach them directly. I begin the process of writing them off internally and emotionally so I don’t end up feeling humiliated or crying. This is a new behavior, new as in the last 3 years or so. Clearly this is s a combination of being more protective of my heart – because say it with me now “If I don’t do it, WHO will?” – and just trying to avoid frustrating, unesisary pain. The problem with this behavior is that a) It’s not really effective: pain is pain no matter how much you try to rationalize it into something else; b) It actually makes the problem worse because it only really serves as a medium to stuff my feelings down and not deal with them either directly with the person or, if that’s not possible, internally within myself, i.e.…no real closure is occurs; c) I can’t always control if my cat runs away and dies or if someone in my life isn’t treating me in way I can appreciate. So, anyway….I learned a lot from this experience with Pumpkin. For some reason, it became a red flag to me that left unmanaged, my reactions and emotional state of mind when things feel scary or threatening could absolutely result in a life of depression and struggle and I just can’t resign myself to that. It’s not even just about me, it’s about the people in my life who care for me and rely on me. Besides, I don’t want to be someone who adds yet another layer of doom and gloom to an already turbulent world.

Moving on…….

Pumpkin is hanging in there. I took her to the vet (that I could afford, car problems have made my life difficult financially) and they did a quick check on her to make sure there was nothing obvious. The seizures are going to be an issue, it really is only a matter of time…but for now, crisis averted with her. I realize this should be a sign that perhaps I do need to address my fears about not having done enough for her and look at the big picture. As you all know, that’s easier then it sounds. I’m still in crisis management mode on that subject until I can figure out what to do.

So, then I stupidly allowed myself to bring a new kitten home against my better judgment. She is insanely adorable and I thought it might be fun to bring a young kitten into the mix. I’m not going to spend a lot of time on this because it only lasted a week and I feel ok about the ultimate turn out…basically these kittens were to young to be adopted out, both their human mom AND their feline mom/siblings were having fits without each other. She would howl all night and it was beyond obvious that she missed her littermates. Then, there was the issue of Bailey thinking the new kitten was a toy and wanting to “play“ with her 24/7, meanwhile Gaia remained on the slightly annoyed but indifferent end and Pumpkin…well Pumpkin hates everyone except me, so that’s just the way it is. Sending the new kitten back to the human momma caused some drama, but it got worked out and I know it was the right decision for everyone. I will say this; Bailey is an amazing dog over all when it comes to cats. We also learned how quickly Bailey can learn with a little squirt of the squirt bottle.

Gaia is fine, she spends a lot of time hanging out in the back yard and surrounding areas. I’m not thrilled about the idea of her being outside during the days, but it’s clear to me that she is a much happier cat and it doesn’t seem she strays to far from the immediate area. Actually, 9 times out of 10, she is sitting on the back patio furniture sleeping the day away or watching the world go by. I have some super cute pics to post of her and Bailey playing in the back yard which I can assure is about the cutest thing I’ve ever seen her do. Gaia is not the “cute” variety of cat. Gaia is sexy and serious and otherworldly. To see her frolicking with Bailey in the back yard is always reason to stop everything I am doing and watch because it’s a rare treat to see her go to some silly side of herself. I will also say that her being outside seems to have really brought out a beauty in her, her coat is stunning, her eyes seem greener then ever and she’s lost some weight. She is serving as a good reminder to me that being a sedentary house cat is not the only lot in life, there’s much to be discovered out there while the option still exists.

Cats teach us so much, don’t they?