Assery

I’m happy to report that I am definitely feeling better. At first, I was pretty cheesed at the idea of spending the weekend sneezing, coughing and blowing my nose. And missing the corn maze with Crystal and Dane, but I’m glad I was a good girl and stayed in bed. I must’ve slept at least 10 hours each night and lots of naps each day, which is always something one can appreciate.

In other news, I’d just like to report that Sean is a total ass. I can’t even believe the kind of assery he thinks he can get away with. It is unbelievable that a 40 year old man behaves in this manner, but then again, THIS particular 40 year old man has yet to disappoint me in the assery department. That said, last Thursday went a little something like this:

I’m working from home with what turned out to be the worst of the cold/sinus crap last week (thank goodness) and I start getting all these nasty texts from Max telling me I need to get the state to stop taking money of his dad’s checks and who do I think I am still trying to collect, etc…etc…etc…

HUH?

a) Why in the heck is Max even involved in this conversation?
b) Max obviously doesn’t have all the details, that is very clear by what he was saying and it was basically Sean’s words being regurgitated from my baby’s mouth.
c) I have done everything I am supposed to do revoke the child support order, Sean was the one slacking in getting the required information to my employer and the state regarding Max’s health insurance. I am not even getting checks any more and haven’t since August

I catch my breath and try to explain to Max calmly that he shouldn’t even be involved in this conversation, period the end and that Sean and I need to discuss this directly. Which, for the record, I have called Sean and left a voice mail regarding this issue at least 4 different times now. I figured there are just only so many attempts one can make before ones says hey, I’ve done my due diligence, it’s on you now buddy.

Max is just irate (I’m assuming because Sean was probably being a huge jerk to Max as a result of this issue, which is never even should’ve gotten this far anyway, but I digress) and insists I call Sean immediately and resolve this. So, I suck up my pride and call Sean. He begins the conversation by accusing me of trying to black mail him, that I am trying to scam him because that is the kind of shady person I am.

Explanation: Sean has always insisted I am out for his money. Ha, what money? But anyway, when I got pregnant with Max and decided I was going to have this baby, he immediately began accusing me of trying to trap him and make him support me and Max. It just went south from that point on.

Anyway, Sean continues to berate, accuse, disrespect and threaten me until I finally yell back at him to let me speak. He hangs up. Calls me back 5 minutes later and is acting just as crazy, if not more. He will not let me get a word in edgewise to explain what is going on, he hangs up on me again. He calls back a few minutes later and is literally screaming into the phone and then he did it, he threatened me physically and I hung up on him.

That said, I then spent the next 2 hours making phone calls and found out that the state and my employer had literally just received the day before the paper work Sean should’ve sent over a month ago. Meanwhile, Max is continuing to send me snarky texts and act as if this is all my doing. Like on purpose, like I’m trying to make things harder for them or something. Finally, I had to clearly tell Max to back off of me and to stay out of it. Which he seemed to respect and I felt really bad for the poor kid, all this war between his parents. That must suck

I send Sean a text and explain to him what’s going on (he’ll be reimbursed with all the support they took out of his check for September) and called it day. I get a text from him later that night saying “Thanks for your cooperation?” What? Are you freaking high dood? I was never being uncooperative to begin with. In fact, I’ve been pretty compliant over all with this situation. There is something very seriously wrong with this person. I know this for sure, if he threatens me like that again, I will get a restraining order. I won’t have a choice. And his behavior does nothing to reassure me that my son is safe. Not to mention what Max must be hearing about me. I know how scary Sean can be when he’s in that head space. Max is not used to that kind of crazy. My cup of crazy is only half full, Sean’s is over flowing. I’ve once never gone around putting my fists through walls, breaking windows and screaming obscenities at the top of my lungs. I’m not saying Sean is doing this with my son in the house, but based on how he was talking to me…that’s exactly what I envisioned, or worse. After all, we are talking about someone who never had a problem hitting me while I was pregnant and grabbing Max out of my arms so he could beat the hell out of me.

Yes, I get it that this stuff is going to bring up a lot of trauma from our history. Sean has put me through a lot at a very young age and I get it that some of my reactions to this might be post traumatic stress stuff. I can accept all that. But I have to be strong and maintain some sense of sanity between us for Max. I have to find a way to overcome all that fight or flight stuff that comes up for me when Sean starts the threats and manipulations, because when he is yelling at me like that, I am literally shaking with both rage and fear. I hate that I’m still scared of him, I hate that I’m not “better” in this regard, I’m 33 years old after all. I should have better coping skills then this right? Cripes.

Anyway, I think things are “ok” between Max and I. I’ve gotten a few emails from him, strangley though, all asking me for money. I’m undecided on how to handle the money thing. On the one hand, I think Sean should be responsible for all of Max’s financial needs. I did it for 15 years without a dime from Sean, surely he can figure it out for the next 11 months until Max turns 18? On the other hand, I don’t want my son to suffer for it either. Though, it has been pointed out to me that maybe Max needs to see the results of his choices just as I have to bare the burden of my own. That maybe bailing him out right now isn’t the best thing, even though my little mommy heart strings are all a flutter and full of worry.

Ugh. Well, at least I know Sean is consistently and ass. My rational side says he’s feeling threatened too, he’s probably overwhelmed also, he has zero ability to have conflict resolution in any kind of way and even less ability to parent and manage his own stress. The other side of me, the part that is tired of letting him intimidate me, just says “He’s an ASS, that’s just the way it is and when someone acts that way, you treat them that way.” It’s like dealing with a big giant toddler throwing a fit. Kristen said: “You know Sarah, all you can do is live your life and do the best you can. Sean is going to be an asshole today and tomorrow and the day after that.” That made me laugh, gawd I love that woman. She has a fair amount of experience in this department, her baby daddy and Sean used to be best friends. So you can imagine what kind of guy Bethany’s dad is, just as bad, worse in some ways. Kristen always handles it with a lot of grace and strength, so I shall look to her and my many other resources when I feel overcome by the madness of all of this.

Sigh. Glad that day is over. Cheers to the many more to come. Not.

M’s surgery is tomorrow. Of course, I’m trying not to worry or panic because she’s really freaking tough and brave. But I love her and I won’t feel ok until she’s out of surgery and safe and sound. So, extra big ju ju out for her tomorrow.

I miss Crystal, I am pissed I still haven’t seen her. What a sucky friend I am right now. To everyone it feels like. I’m just sort of floating through the days. Sometimes it goes by so fast I’m like WHOA, it’s what day already? Other times, it drags and I feel like I’m living in slow motion. I feel much more clear headed today though, for the first time in a few weeks now so that’s good.

I’m very nervous about my review coming up. This summer wasn’t exactly kind in terms of hours and my ability to focus. I’ve had better summers, that’s for sure. Cross your fingers on that review, probably some time in November. Nancy is on vacation next week and that’s when she’s doing them. I told her I’d give her rum money if she promised to drink it will doing my review.

That’s all for now. Love to you all.
S