News

The most recent news is that my mom has moved back up to her house. For now. I am not convinced that it is permanent; I suspect my home will be a haven for her when life feels intolerable. I’m ok with that as long as it does not become a pattern for any length of time because the transition periods between her staying with me and then leaving again are difficult. It also brings up a lot of weird abandonment stuff, which kind of pisses me off. Damn, that stuff is a pain in the ass.

Thanksgiving was lovely. I won’t be cooking or hosting again next year, but it was something I could see me doing every other year. I cooked, I cleaned, we drank wine and played games and spent a lot of time playing with the kids/dogs and I enjoyed that a great deal. Pam wasn’t at my house for Turkey Day, in fact, that is what prompted her return to her home. She felt it would be to tense for her and Jim at my house and she didn’t want Jim to be alone for the holiday weekend so she went up there and seems that sealed the deal. I thought that might happen, my spidey senses figured it might be to difficult for her to return after a few days in her own home. To say I appreciate my solitude again would be an understatement. Not to mention that I managed to gain a few pounds while she was living with me and that does NOT bode well for a long term scenario.

The remainder of Turkey Day was spent with Dave, Paula and Jeff and running errands. Cosmic (karmic) Bowling was a blast and we would’ve tried to keep up with all the kids there if we all weren’t so tired. Turns out, midnight seems much later than it used to. Especially after a busy day of errands and food and playing pool and singing bad karaoke at the bar. I miss Paula; I tried not to cry when I first saw her and when I had to drop her off at the airport, which was pointless. We were hanging around, sort of watching Star Trek and just being together in the same room and having breakfast. I could see us being old women and doing that. In an ideal world, Kristen, Paula, Crystal, Kim and Sandy would all join me in the same retirement village and we would crotchet blankets for our grandbabies and nephews babies and neighbors babies and play gin rummy and gossip about our younger years and giggle with delight at how bad and good and ornery we all were. We would honor our yesteryears with love and sentiment and go home each night knowing we always have each other. A silly school-girl fantasy about wanting my women surrounding me for all of eternity. There is no bond like that of women.

The coming weeks will flash by in a blur, that’s just how Thanksgiving and Christmas go. Holiday parties and too much food and booze will surely catch up with me. Thank goodness I get a few days off at the end of December.

Max did not make it for Thanksgiving. His father didn’t want to drive him up here from Casper. I can understand, that drive sucks. To bad that’s what he agreed to do if he didn’t have to work, but I know better than to trust Sean’s promises so I didn’t get my hopes up. I was very disappointed and did my best not to let it affect me in any debilitating way…but it did. I think I hid it well in front of others, but Dave got to do a fair amount of holding me and letting the tears flow. He’s amazing at that btw, in case I didn’t mention it. It’s nice to be consoled and held, I’ve finally figured out that it’s ok for me to appreciate it and not feel weak for doing so. Anyway, hopefully Max will be here for the end of December as he’ll have a fair amount of time off for school. We’ll see. I sure hope so though because I feel us growing distant and I’ve lately sensed a shift in his attitude toward me. Once again, he’s a teenager who has serious momma issues and is living with his estranged (until recently) father who has a lot of issues of his own with me, so I’m bound to face some strange and awkward behaviors…..even if Max and I are more than 500 miles away from each other. I miss him though. Desperately. Sometimes the pain of Max’s absence is so strong I physically ache. I can’t quite figure out why nature makes it this way, that children and their mothers must experience this separation so that the children can begin to make their own ways in life, meanwhile…the mother is left to try and make sense of what is left of her life and start over.

That seems to be the key here in this life, learning how to start over successfully without loosing it in the transition period. That and those pesky boundary issues that seem to haunt me. I am seeing the truth in that the more you let go of outcomes and expectations and needs, the more fulfilling and less overwhelming life is. It’s more than just living in the moment, way more. I’ve always known this in theory, but as I’ve stated countless times before, theory and practice are two very different things. When you have no choice but to practice a theory you’ve long researched and believed in, that is when you learn the lesson. It hurts and feels like grinding against the grain, but its good stuff. Some of us just cannot learn simply by reading about it or writing about it or attempting to try it on for size from time to time. Some of us have to be thrown deeply into the pit to figure it out. There are days I wish I weren’t that person, that reading a book and trying to better understand life through theory would somehow alleviate so much of the confusion and frustration and pain…but I am and with all that flailing and stumbling, comes all the great joys and love that life has to offer.

Sigh.

That said, I did finally grow the cajones to ask Rose if she might like a visit from me in the spring of 2010. I have not heard yet back from her and I realize it could and probably will take some time for us to decide as a group if that’s an option or not, but at the urging of a very wise Aunty, I thought it wouldn’t hurt to put it out on the table. All she can do is say no, right? We’ll see how it pans out. Luckily, it’s UBER cheap to fly to Texas, so maybe I’ll get lucky and have the opportunity to meet my nephew in person some day.

I’m off for tonight. My home desktop is toast until I can afford a new hard drive, so I’m using my work laptop all the time now which makes getting photos online a little harder. But I have some fun fun ones to post, of Bailey and Gaia and other fun little critters. Speaking of Bailey, I’d better go, she’s terribly jealous of my laptop :)