ugh can't focus today

Either I have zero motivation to work (even tho I have loads to do) or I just can’t focus because I am to the point where I’m sitting here just staring at code, going “durrrhhhhhhhhhhh.” We are rewriting our core application starting November 1 and I have been tasked with helping to build requirements for the rewrite because I’m so familiar with the application. I will say writing requirements isn’t my favorite thing to do. It gives me brain damage trying to think of every possible detail because forgetting something would be criminal that’s for certain, we are talking about people’s phone books here and the gods might strike me down should I list a field type as VarChar instead of a Char. Pure tedium Hey, it pays the bills and this should keep me busy through next October at this rate. I surely won’t complain about having a job to come to every day, I just need to remember when to take breaks.

I’m a little cranky today. I’m feeling that need to retreat within and escape and that urge is something I am dissecting rather submitting to. This urge is strong at times and it can manifest itself in many many ways, some of them are extremely productive and those are what we put energy into. I no longer consider the self destructive behaviors as options. Since doing so, it’s amazing how you can get through the anxiety and cranky days without doing something you regret. It passes, it always does.

One area of particular focus on this subject is that I’ve lived in the drama for such a long period of time in my life (off and on) that when things are just kind of “oK’ and nothing is blowing up, I tend to get very anxious. in the past, I can see times when I’ve unintentionally, but still played a role in creating some kind of drama to deal with. So you see, now that I’m settling into this new life after the last series of drama and things are kind of working themselves out for me on a daily basis, new routines, etc….I find myself either waiting for something awful to happen (the current fear is getting laid off) or getting all antsy about wanting to go DO something about it, but I never know what and we all know that old habits die hard so I fight the urges to be self destructive and thus, do nothing, which feels a little unproductive and wasteful.

Tonight tho, after a few light chores, a bath is on the agenda. I also have some delicious spinach tortellini’s to make for dinner and I’m looking forward to that and snuggling my dog. Who cares if I don’t clean the house tonight or mow the lawn or do anything one might deem productive, it’ll still be there tomorrow. Sometimes, doing nothing is way better then doing something you later regret.