How I Am...

I hadn’t realized folks were actually reading my blog again, so I guess I’d better consider that when it’s not been updated in a while 

Everyone keeps asking “How are you?”
This is a fairly innocuous question I know, so I typically answer it that way. How are you today, Sarah?” Oh I’m fine, my life is just in total upheaval and I feel a little insane, but really….I’m fine. Nothing to see here.

The truth is that if I told people how I really am, they would receive a laundry list of TMI’s (too much information) and I’d be babbling and close to tears before they put their hands up and said “no more”. In a nutshell, this is how I am:

I am concerned/worried/anxious for the people I love and for myself.

I am depressed.

I am exhausted.

I am angry.

I am hurt.

I am sad because I feel lost and unfamiliar inside.

I have something called “tonsillitis” which is going to require that my tonsils be removed at some point and I was home sick with that for a few days, let’s hope if those actually come out, I’ll come out of all this illness that constantly seems to surround me. I know it’s all related to the internal sadness and heartbreaks and depression of recent years, but unfortunately, this is a real physical thing that is going to require actual medical intervention or I will continue to get chronic sinus/ear infections and strep throat at least once a year. I can handle an hour under the scalpel if removing those little bastards will make all that crud go away, or at the very least, lessen the intensity of it all.

I find myself torn between wanting to talk with people about what is going on in my life and wanting to discuss only surface things. Discussing surface things allows us all to pretend that my personal life isn’t in a huge upheaval and gets my mind off of myself for a while and I like that, a lot. I also do care, very deeply, about those I love and even though I’m this horribly self-absorbed person in recent years, I still do care, very much.

Discussing the bigger stuff feels more rewarding (as I’ve always preferred that) but I can only do that with a certain few people because the truth is, there really isn’t anything anyone else can do and sometimes when people try to help, I end up feeling worse. I’m on this journey all by my lonesome, no one can “fix” this, no matter how good their intentions. I get tired of talking about it, and sometimes I really need to talk about it. I have to appreciate the good days for all their worth and find the strength and courage to pull myself up on the bad days and I don’t always do a good job of either.

I am both pushing away and pulling on people at the same time. I am concerning the people in my life who genuinely do care about me and irritating those who don’t me well enough to be concerned.

My triggers are triggering like crazy and I’m fighting them just as hard and it’s a freaking struggle every day.

I feel no real desire to be social with anyone and doing so feels draining, but I do it anyway because I am glad for it afterward.

Being at home with my doggeh and in bed sound really good most of the time. She demands very little and gives me nothing but love, even in the form of her little nibbles.

So, as you can see, I’m a hot hot mess at the moment. I feel like a crazy person. Really.

The good news is that I am seriously loved. I mean really, hugely, ginormously supported and loved by so many people it sometimes makes my head spin. I have more gratitude for this then I can express.

My conversations with Max get easier and more familiar every time and he’s even talking about spending Thanksgiving at my house.

The weekend is on its way and I have lots of Halloween things planned. Pumpkin/costume shopping mainly. Bailey and I are going to be bumble bee’s. It’s going to be a good Halloween this year.