Ok, I get it. Others are used to me being this kind if happy, breezy person and by nature, this IS where my personality sits most of the time. But even I have days where I just don’t feel like interacting and want to be left alone and I don’t think this is cause for alarm. This doesn’t nessisarily make me moody or depressed, sometimes I just need to decompress and need the space to do so. I don’t see what the big deal is? I too, am allowed to have days where I’m not the picture of a shiny disposition and that’s OK, it’s not about YOU or anything YOU did. In fact, when you turn it around on you, it exhausts me even more because then I feel the need to soothe and make it “ok” for you.
This is not to say that I am not a moody person because the reality is that I am and it can change in the space of a day several different times, but for the most part, I work hard to ensure my moodiness does not directly affect others and if does, I’d simply like to ask “If my mood is bothering YOU, think of how it effects me? YOU try living with range of emotions and energies I experience in any time period and see if you feel like Miss Bubble Puss every second of every day?” We ALL have days where we are quieter or more withdrawn than others, what I can’t understand is why it’s not ok for me and why people start firing 20 questions at me if I’m not walking around with a giant grin on my face and giggling all the time. I LOVE that there are those people in my life who appreciate me for me, but that has to include all of me and all of me isn’t always a freaking ray of sunshine and that’s ok dammit.
I’m sure some of this is acclimating to living with another adult again, specifically the one adult I’ve always “taken care of” more than any other. It’s astonishing how quickly I can go from being really frustrated to being the caretaker with little or no room in the middle of that to even feel how I’m feeling, which later turns into resentment. I know it’s not intentional, some people just are who they are, but I am VERY sensitive to this one particular person and her needs and regardless of what I know, old habits die hard. Boundaries can be a real bitch sometimes.
That said, I am absolutely exhausted at the moment and I need a few moments to myself to manage that exhaustion. Not at work, not in my car….in my home, my sanctuary…to breathe and be alone with my breath. Me and my breath. I need that for a few minutes each day without being hassled about “what’s wrong” or feeling like I have to “fix” something. There’s nothing to fix, I’m fine….but I need space to be fine or else I will loose it and no one wants that. And if others aren’t fine in my life that’s 100% ok with me, let me know how I can help and love you and support you, but please understand that sometimes this isn’t all about you. I have a lot of people in my life that I care for and all of them have life challenges they are facing in some manner or another at the moment and sometimes I need time to process not only my own head space, but how I can be of support to them and you and myself and everyone involved.
Sigh.
Vent over. That is all.
No comments:
Post a Comment