I once had this attitude that life need not be complicated, that decisions could be made and action taken to avoid such complication. What I seem to have brazenly excluded from this calculation was the actions/behaviors of others and the unintentional, indvertant ways in oneself can compound the complication.
Learnings lessons about who you are when faced with adversity and the choices you make seems to be what is in lifes toolbox for me, little by little I am learning that I can be who I am in the face of all adversities I am presented with and that person is kind and good at the core of her being. My course of action, my emotional perspective and reaction, it may not always be ideal...but I generally walk away from situations feeling pretty good that I've maintained that place within myself that I wish to exist. It's not always easy, as is probably clear from my last few posts...but once I get used to the idea, once I am able to adjust my visions about my interactions with others...integrity in handling those interactions is how I wish to proceed.
Some day, life will not feel so sad and burdened. I know that and C knows that. With great love and hope, comes great loss and dissapointment. I wish it weren't so, I wish that C and I had been able to come through this in a healthier more mature manner. Thus far, we haven't succeeded in doing so, that truly saddens me very deeply. Somewhere in mind, I always thought if we came to this place we'd likely be able to still love one another and find a place within ourselves that was able to be kind and patient and do the right thing for the other. Not just for us, but for our mothers and families who had such high hopes for us and our life together. And Max. And the animals who are less confused, but I know would be estatic to see him. And our mutual friends whom I am sure are conflicted in some manner. It would be ideal if we could some how salvage things w/o it being a totally traumatic disaster in the end, but I'm not sure that can happen. Sometimes when someone wounds you so deeply, you don't recover. Usually, not with that person. We are both fundamentally broken inside, at least for now.
Today probably the most depressing and painful thought occurred to me...if C and I can't negotiate our way out of this peacefully, this fairly insignificant experience on the grander scale...like what real hope is there that our governments and mases of huamns can? That's probably a bigger thought than I really need to ponder at this particular moment, but it wandered into my mind and has planted a seed. It must be possible? It has to be, right?
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