Avoiding the cycnism

I have found myself with many intensely cycnial thoughts recently. How will I ever trust again? Will I ever trust again? How will I ever believe a word that comes out of any mans mouth? What within me has changed so deeply that I generally find myself feeling literal disgust toward men. The extent to which I feel betrayed, horrified, dishonored and lied to at this point is overwhelming. Surely, I must still be in shock. This sense of disbelief continues to wash over me in huge waves. He wouldn't do this to me, I never thought he would be 'that' guy. I made my mistakes, plenty. We both have, it's true. Often, I find myself shaking my head with wonder. In retrospect, it is all so clear and when those images come in my mind, the history, the memories, what I thought was someone who thought I was special...the tears well up and that tightness in my chest begins to widdle away at my breathe and I find myself trying to understand how people can treat each other so cruely.

My foremost concern at this poing is that I feel so hopeless about my future in terms of relationships with anyone, not just possibley romantic ones. At this point, I cannot even fathom dating and that is to be expected considering the current situation. What worries me more than that is that I feel this fundamentl shift at the core of who I am, what little remaining innocence that existed in me feels betrayed. That place that always believed that we all are good in our hearts and when given the chance, we will do the right thing. I will miss that ignorant bliss, because as I see it now, I'm not sure it can be reclaimed. I feel anxious about the idea that I may spend the rest of my life eyeballing others closely before I feel I can trust them in any way. This feels undescribabley sad to me, it makes my heart ache.

Time is imperative in healing this, that is painfully obvious. Certainely I must spend some time agonizing, I wouldn't be human if I didn't cry tears over this. Somewhere in my heart, I keep thinking I might just speed through the process some how and emerge shiny and new. It can't happen like that, as unfair as that some how seems to me. My friends and family might be thinking that compared to what I've been through already in this life, this is merely a road block. That may be true, but I don't feel as resilliant as I once was. With the experiences I've had in my youth, one might think I would be totally untrusting by nature. I've been cautious, that' for certain....but I can easily say that what I feel right now is bleeding every ounce of energy and concepts of trust out of my very being. I feel consumed, eaten alive.

The main challenge I forsee is avoiding becoming a completely cynical and mistrusting indivdiaul with a jaded view of the world and the people in it. And learning how to protect myself and love again at the same time.

sigh.