When Apologies & Thank You's Mean Nothing

Without going into the taudry details, the current scenario has taken a turn for the worst. Today, apologies and thank you's mean nothing.

Chance's apologies to me and mine to those who I love that I have dissapointed by having poor choice in judgement and being weak.

I am embaressed, hurt and outraged. I spent 3 hours today very literally shaking, cussing and otherwise throwing a tantrum and I am ashamed. I am angered that someone would take advantage of family, my family. The only people that have ever stuck by me, the only people here in town who believe in me and love me more than some guy I spent 3 years with. I am saddened that I blew some potentially serious things and didn't really allow myself to digest the consequences before I made a decision. I am angry that I allowed myself to be manipulated. I am furious that someone would do this to my child and myself and while the actions may have not been purposefull, they could have been avoided.

This all could have been avoided if I'd stuck up for myself from the beginning and not allowed my ridiculously soft and soluble heart get the best of an otherwise fairly brilliant mind. I am not a stupid girl, I only play one on tv. ha, very funny.

So now, the repercussions of my mistakes and his inability to see how his irresponsibility is effecting me have left me in quite a hole. Not only financially, but with my friends and family. I know they are dissapointed in me and the truth is, that the to me is the wort punishment. To have let down people who have never done anything but love me, I feel like a horrible person. I am enraged that this dynamic has been violated, that the boundary of trust has been broken and that I sat and watched it happen and didn't do anything because I couldn't get my head out of the cloud of depreession and pity. I could have done more.

But what I know for sure is that I've done far more with far less and I won't let anyone get the better of me. I also know I am still loved and I know that in time, the trust and love will be revived. I am not a child any more, I know how to make things right.

Tonight, I am putting my kitchen back together and crying a lot b/c my heart feels broken again. You might wonder how many times that can happen in a few short weeks, and without sounding overly dramatic....I can tell you it's more than I ever thought possible.

The happiest part of this day is coming home to my beautifully remodeled kitchen that took the hands of four different people happen and it was all done with a lot of love and generousity. It reminds me that in spite of my foolishness, I am still loved. Plus, it's just so breathetaking...Kristen finally came over (to bring me a cigarette I'm afraid to admit) and her face very literally lit up, she said the painting was immaculate and she was so pleased w/ how well the cabinet area cleaned up. We high fived, hugged and she did what any good girlfriend does and said "You will get through this, you are strong and I love you. We all love you." I then burst into tears and realized she meant it and just sat and sobbed the ugly face sob on her shoulder complete with snot, tears and some hyperventiling. Kristen is not a squishy kind of girl, so...I know it took a lot for her to look me in the eye and say that.