Sometimes, All You Can Do Is Laugh...Or Cry If Your Me

Sometimes, All You Can Do Is Laugh...Or Cry If Your Me

Tonight was the night of mini-break downs and too much happening at once. Wasn't in the greatest mood when I left work, I sort of keep having these flashes of feeling really overwhelmed. This week is all whacked out, with the day off in the middle cuz of the 4th of July and Max being out of town and this feeling like everything is in motion and nothing is in a place that makes sense at the moment. Work is proving to be crazy busy at a time when I'm having a hard time focusing, but that part is getting better. So, I'm feeling a touch bit overwhelmed anyway....I get to Georgia's, unload on her. Cry and let her tell me it's going to be ok, that I AM going to be stronger and that change opens doors. It pushes you into places you might not have the nerve, motivation or energy to go on your. It's true, I know that. But ain't it a bitch sometimes?

On the way home, I think.....mmmm, better water that grass and those flowers I worked so hard on when I get home. Walk in the door, am met with Kasha in her normal state of frenzy when I get home. We say hello, she gets a 'steak' and I go turn the sprinklers on. Then I think, oh...wait, isn't there a certain way to do this? I'd asked C to fix them before he moved out, I must've missed the instructions so I am trying frantically to turn them off and suddenly, I am being showered by lawn water coming out of some random pipe thing. I run into the house, notice that the back gate is open and Kasha is no were to be found. I go running out the front door and there's Kasha, looking harried and rather flustered. I call C frantically. He says he's on his way over (he was coming to get stuff anyway, so that worked out well) and as I hang up the phone, a cop-looking guy comes pounding on my door. I've got Kasha in my arms, he starts screaming at me that my vicious dog attacked his two little babies and that it took 3 people to get Kasha off of his dog.

Crap.

I explained to the gentlemen (who frankly was acting like a hysterical little child) that Kasha has never bit anyone, not human or canine or even the other two cats she lives with. That she can be dog aggressive, but she is still being trained and acts like she's totally ferocious but always backs down. I couldn't get a word in edgewise. I then ask if he's a cop, nope...he's a FEDERAL MARSHALL from Aurora with no 'jurisdiction' in this area. Great. He asks for my name, I'm like sure. No problem. My dog may be a brat around other dogs, but she's not some terrible horrible demon dog. Most likely she went running up to these two dogs, trying to act like Ms. Tough Shit and got scared and didn't know how to react and then they all got into it in some furry, fumbling panic. We finish up our conversation and by this time I am seething, this guy is acting like Kasha is Cujo or something and talking to me very inappropriately in the process. Sure. ok.

Then the cop comes. For the record...I am PETRIFIED of police. Why? Probably all those years on the run and they were, in effect, the 'enemy.' It's gotten better, but as soon as one is within a few feet of me I very literally begin to have a panic attack. I instantly think I am in trouble and something bad is going to happen. As soon as the cop comes in I start shaking. Like That's not suspicious right? Thank goodness he was a nice guy, he took my story, filed a report and said animal control will be out tomorrow. Chance comes in as the cop is questioning me and Kasha becomes excited and want's me to be put her down so she can greet Chance. Starts jumping all over the cop. bounce....bounce....bounce. Oh good. The cop and I finish up the whole thing, says to wait for the call tomorrow from animal control so they can come and 'investigate.' Super Duper! My first run in with the law other than traffic violations and it's over my dog. Cuz she is Cujo reincarnate for sure. Last I checked, she's foaming at the mouth and all. Vicious, have you seen her teeth?

THEN....after the cop leaves, C inspects the sprinkler system...which has been on this entire time and he then informs me that some pipe is stripped. He has to turn the water off, for the whole house. He can come on Saturday to fix it but I'll have to wait, I pointed out that if he were still living here, he wouldn't be waiting until Saturday to make sure the water is on. We then start fighting about the sprinkler and what ever else under the sun b/c we are both stressed out (one reason we are no longer together, b/c we don't work well together under crisis) and I start bawling the biggest, fattest most drippiest tears on the planet and Chance gets mad. B/c it makes him feel bad when I cry. I then put attempt to put on my big girl panties and tell him I can handle it by myself and just to get his stuff and get the bleep out. Real mature, I know. But...please consider the circumstances. As I write this, it's funny...but it was not at that moment, I assure you. Then after some more yelling, he asks if I want help...I bawl something incoherent and he herds me into his roomies car to take me to Home Depot. We wander Home Depot about half an hour with me sniffling, pouting and being otherwise pathetic and really REALLY pissed off at the world in that moment and C says he doesn't know what he needs to get the job done and he'll have to come on Saturday. Neither of us have any money, we can't call a plumber, we won't have the money to fix this at Home Depot....we are both emotionally spent.

Double Crap.

I am then herded back out to the car, where I have nothing to say as I've reached the limit for what I can handle in a single day and silently cry all the way home. I walk in the door, and the floodgates open again. All the emotion of feeling overwhelmed by this break up came out, hard and heavy. I said things I needed to say, maybe not in the most appropriate manner but I said what I had to say. I told him it wasn't fair, this damn dog was what HE wanted (but I love her of course and it's not her fault she's a shit, it's mine), HE reassured me in all my reluctantly about buying this house away, HE told me this and that and the other thing so I could help him with his bike....and so on and so on and so fourth. I said almost every ugly thing I've been thinking and I flat out told him this ISN'T FAIR. HE wasn't supposed to do this to me. He stared at me, stunned and calmly said I will call you later. It's going to be ok. He hugged me, kissed me on the head and left. And I just cried even more b/c I didn't mean to be so hateful and I know Chance's intentions were good and neither of us could for seen this and yes, I AM overwhelmed and yes I DO have days where I feel really really alone. And upset and not so patient any more. But damn him and...and...I'm just fed up with this whole thing and feel like someone besides me should have to ante up and take care of business, and the sprinkler blowing up and me feeling left to deal with it about popped my top right off. I feel bad now, I really wasn't very nice and the fact remains that no one person is ever to blame in a situation...Chance isn't some terrible guy, he's a wonderful person. And I don't want to hate on him right now b/c it's not what my heart tells me to do, I think he is just the easiest person to point my finger at. Albeit SOME finger pointing is needed, but some should be pointed at me too. He's just...I don't know. His intentions have been good, we both went into this with a commitment and for whatever reason, that commitment and desire to see it through has faltered. And then I cried some more as I sat and thought about that, about how we let each other down and how that hurts like hell.

This must be my day to cry because I really haven't been able to keep the tears back for very long.

I called Howard to let him know Saturday morning wouldn't work for painting as I needed to get this taken care of with Chance. Howard insisted on coming to take a look and was here in half an hour, spent 2.5 hours in the dark capping off the sprinkler system so I could have water. Going to work with no shower, bad. Pets with no water, bad. Howard said not one judgemental word about anyone or anything in this situation, he just showed up. With a neutral, very parental, but loving and kind attitude. Even when we walked through Home Depot at 9:15 at night trying to find the right PVC pipe under those glaring lights he was joking around and just generally making me NOT feel like a total looser for needing him and the truth is, when he came over...I really did feel like it was going to be ok. This sense of relief, like...I'm really not alone in this. Really. Someone does have my back and I am loved and I'm not a total screw up. It's all I've been able to do since he got here to keep from crying my eyes out, I don't know why I think I have to be strong in front of him. He just left actually, after a few attempts at getting it all fixed...but he did it and did a great job! And to be honest, I haven't felt this relieved in a really really long time and I'm not even sure why. It's not just because my washer is washing clothes at the moment and that my dog has fresh water to drink (the biter) it just felt really good to me that Howard came. Really good. Made it all better for tonight and that, to me, is like an amazing, thought full, conscious and caring thing to do. I wonder what drives someone to do that for another person? And I think of how much I want to be that person some day, just be able to come help someone I love just because I can or because I want to. It's pretty shocking stuff, I don't always know how to do deal with it. Isn't that sad? I don't always know how to let people love me with out massive guilt and fear and like I'm not worth it and all this other weird stuff.

I am now going to go upstairs and cry some more and go to sleep, this has been the longest 5 hours. Some sort of odd time warp.