The ankle fairies took it upon themselves to intervene and humble me last night. Unfortunately, it brought a potentially fun evening out with friends to a screeching halt. There is a meat ball now on my ankle, I expect it will get blue and purple and look awfully ugly soon....I'll take a picture and post it to keep as a memory of last night so that Helen, Matt and myself can all laugh about it later and reminisce. ha. ha. HA! Hilarious. It will take a while for this heal, until then I'll be a limping, gimpy tree-fruit!
In addition to my physical body having been humbled, my spiritual and emotional one has been as well. There are people in life that come and go and either cannot, or will not, be authentically who they are. Other times though, there are people who believe in you and support you and they don't need a reason, they just do. Some times, being loved by others isn't easy. It can be hard loving them back. For me, if I respect someone, I feel accountable to them. I feel I must honor and reciprocate the same love that is being shown to me. Some times, that feels really hard for me. Like my heart might break if I screw up so badly that I have been damaged in the eyes of those I love. And then I get angry if someone calls me out on something that makes me uncomfortable. Or if I feel judged. Which usually means I have some internal space that knows so and so is right about what they are saying, that feeling of being judged I mean. Usually, if I feel judged...it is because there are kernels of truth that I don't want to acknowledge.
With time, I am getting it that letting other people love me means having to release my egos and fears about being disliked or abandoned or unloved any longer because of something I may have done or said that I believe to reflect on me poorly in the eyes of my loved ones. I get it that it means I'm not always going to be perfect, and that's ok AND that it's ok for my friends and family to call bullshit if I am acting the fool. That's sort of what people who really care about you do, right? And that doesn't mean they are going to be eternally dissapointed in me, or no longer love me because I'm not perfect. This also doesn't mean they don't have a right to express said concerns to me simply because I have authority issues and am not terribley fond of anyone telling me what to do....and my little 12 year old mind gets to thinking "Well, I'll show them!" or "Screw him, he can't tell me what to do!" The irony is that the drive and determination that exists within me to strive for some thing more than what's been handed to me is an awful lot like that stubborn, imature and naive 12 year old that one minute is begging to be loved and appreciated and the next spitefully casting aside anyone that gets in my way or tells me no.
I am such an emotional train wreck right now. Seriously, I can really see that now. The only way I seem to be able to react emotionally to anything right now is with anger. The other night, I was watching a movie that struck an extremeley sensetive chord and I became angry about that because I simply no longer wanted to feel sorrow. Damn that movie for making me cry! I've cried enough for one life time thank you very much. More and mroe, I am able to see how people become embittered toward the world and emotionally defunct. Being angry, putting armor on to face the world is much more simple than facing the hurt and deep-seeded sadness within a person.
That's not going to be me. I can't let it be. It's too painful, to think that I might spend my life in that space. How would I ever unfold into more than this if I spend my years being closed off to life and experiences simply for the sake of not hurting any more. Or feeling upset because someone said something to me that I know is true, but I don't want to admit it and I just dismiss it because I'd rather not hear it? (I apologize Matt, you are right and I do love you for that.) There are many things that are not fair about this life, there are many things that hurt like hell but you get up every day and face it and if you shut up long enough to really hear what your friends who love you are trying to say....you understand some things maybe you can't by yourself. Or learn something about love instead of thinking you already know it all.
2 comments:
You just have to roll with the punches, darlin.
Personally, (because I can't speak for everyone) I don't judge you because I've done just about every stupid thing there is to do, and made every mistake that can be made - and I fully expect to do the same for the rest of my days - at least in the situations that I've not dealt with yet.
As for other people's opinions - well, just take things that people say with a grain of salt (including me) and take what you can use and throw out the rest ;)
You are very in touch with who you are, even though a lot of it can be tough to admit; and do admit it on your blog is braver than brave. *smooches*
Remember, we have emotions, we have pain, we have anger - but on the other swing of the pendulum, we have the good stuff. Balance, my sweet girl - you can't live life to the fullest without all the tools in the box.
grain of salt...yes, grain of salt. It's true, I know....however, I think I could do well to listen a little more and talk a little less. I value the people in my life for a reason...dismissing them simply b/c I don't agree or don't want to hear it...not fair.
I DO have some fun things for sure....I can giggle just about anyone right under the table and I have my very own tasty meatball now, so if anyone is hungry....hmmmmmmmmmm.
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