This is Moose Tracks

Everyone keeps asking what is "Moose Tracks?"

This is Moose Tracks. It is the best ice cream ever, except that stuff I used to get at some family place in Wisconsin by my Mom's old work....

But....this is the best ice cream besides that....except Coldstone is pretty flipping good too, I mean you can't beat that place. Can you tell me ANY ice cream parlor that lets you put ACTUAL PEANUT BUTTER right IN your ice cream? And Butterfingers and all this yummy fruit and waffle cone pieces too mmmmmmmmmm.

Ok, ok, this is the best ice cream you can by at most major grociery chains.
How's that????????????
http://www.moosetracks.com/flavors/detail/14

HA HA! Along with 50 mgs Vicadin for my ankle, I have half a gallon of Moose Tracks too. And some artichoke dip and crackers. Yum. If I didn't know for sure that it is not even possible...I'd think I was pregnant. Nah, just a little disheartened and in pain. That will all be over soon.......lalalalalalaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

buh bye searing, burning pain in my ankle
buy bye scorching, awful pain in my heart
buy bye annoying, selfish pain in my ass
buh bye buh bye buh bye buh bye

laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

The Iran discussion has been quiet for a while, I think it's wise to keep it open. I love Chomsky, I wonder how does a person become so wise?
http://www.alternet.org/story/58243/

Oh yeah, and Al Gore's kid got busted for weed in his Toyota Prius! HA! Eh, good for him. I think Gore should incorporate the legalization of marijuana into his slide-show. LOL. It's sort of hard to deny the benefits for both the public and the money grubbing government, why not shoot for the moon? I'd also like to mandate that any baby's daddy not currently paying child support be required to immediately report to Iraq so that not even one more child has to.

I Have Been Humbled. Again.

The ankle fairies took it upon themselves to intervene and humble me last night. Unfortunately, it brought a potentially fun evening out with friends to a screeching halt. There is a meat ball now on my ankle, I expect it will get blue and purple and look awfully ugly soon....I'll take a picture and post it to keep as a memory of last night so that Helen, Matt and myself can all laugh about it later and reminisce. ha. ha. HA! Hilarious. It will take a while for this heal, until then I'll be a limping, gimpy tree-fruit!

In addition to my physical body having been humbled, my spiritual and emotional one has been as well. There are people in life that come and go and either cannot, or will not, be authentically who they are. Other times though, there are people who believe in you and support you and they don't need a reason, they just do. Some times, being loved by others isn't easy. It can be hard loving them back. For me, if I respect someone, I feel accountable to them. I feel I must honor and reciprocate the same love that is being shown to me. Some times, that feels really hard for me. Like my heart might break if I screw up so badly that I have been damaged in the eyes of those I love. And then I get angry if someone calls me out on something that makes me uncomfortable. Or if I feel judged. Which usually means I have some internal space that knows so and so is right about what they are saying, that feeling of being judged I mean. Usually, if I feel judged...it is because there are kernels of truth that I don't want to acknowledge.

With time, I am getting it that letting other people love me means having to release my egos and fears about being disliked or abandoned or unloved any longer because of something I may have done or said that I believe to reflect on me poorly in the eyes of my loved ones. I get it that it means I'm not always going to be perfect, and that's ok AND that it's ok for my friends and family to call bullshit if I am acting the fool. That's sort of what people who really care about you do, right? And that doesn't mean they are going to be eternally dissapointed in me, or no longer love me because I'm not perfect. This also doesn't mean they don't have a right to express said concerns to me simply because I have authority issues and am not terribley fond of anyone telling me what to do....and my little 12 year old mind gets to thinking "Well, I'll show them!" or "Screw him, he can't tell me what to do!" The irony is that the drive and determination that exists within me to strive for some thing more than what's been handed to me is an awful lot like that stubborn, imature and naive 12 year old that one minute is begging to be loved and appreciated and the next spitefully casting aside anyone that gets in my way or tells me no.

I am such an emotional train wreck right now. Seriously, I can really see that now. The only way I seem to be able to react emotionally to anything right now is with anger. The other night, I was watching a movie that struck an extremeley sensetive chord and I became angry about that because I simply no longer wanted to feel sorrow. Damn that movie for making me cry! I've cried enough for one life time thank you very much. More and mroe, I am able to see how people become embittered toward the world and emotionally defunct. Being angry, putting armor on to face the world is much more simple than facing the hurt and deep-seeded sadness within a person.

That's not going to be me. I can't let it be. It's too painful, to think that I might spend my life in that space. How would I ever unfold into more than this if I spend my years being closed off to life and experiences simply for the sake of not hurting any more. Or feeling upset because someone said something to me that I know is true, but I don't want to admit it and I just dismiss it because I'd rather not hear it? (I apologize Matt, you are right and I do love you for that.) There are many things that are not fair about this life, there are many things that hurt like hell but you get up every day and face it and if you shut up long enough to really hear what your friends who love you are trying to say....you understand some things maybe you can't by yourself. Or learn something about love instead of thinking you already know it all.

Aunty Guilt, Oh....The Horror!

Aunty MB and I had a fab-u-lous conversation last night, her voice is of an instant comfort and joy to me!

However, I felt so shamed after I hung up for not posting pics of the new kitchen yet that I promised myself I would post some today so I wouldn't have to endure that guilt any longer!

xo - love you Aunty!

Lauryn Hill - Forgive Them Father Lyrics

Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those that trespass against us
Although them again we will never, never, never trust

Dem noh know weh dem do, dig out yuh yei while dem sticking like glue,
Fling, skin, grin while dem plotting fah you,
True, Ah Who???

Forgive them father for they know not what they do
Forgive them father for they know not what they do

Beware the false motives of others
Be careful of those who pretend to be brothers
And you never suppose it's those who are closest to you, to you
They say all the right things to gain their position
Then use your kindness as their ammunition
To shoot you down in the name of ambition, they do

Forgive them father for they know not what they do
Forgive them father for they know not what they do

Why every Indian wanna be the chief?
Feed a man 'til he's full and he still want beef
Give me grief, try to tief off my piece
Why for you to increase, I must decrease?
If I treat you kindly does it mean that I'm weak?
You hear me speak and think I won't take it to the streets
I know enough cats that don't turn the other cheek
But I try to keep it civilized like Menelik
And other African czars observing stars with war scars
Get yours in this capitalistic system
So many caught or got bought you can't list them
How you gonna idolize the missing?
To survive is to stay alive in the face of opposition
Even when they comin' gunnin'
I stand position
L's known the mission since conception
Let's free the people from deception
If you looking for the answers
Then you gotta ask the questions
And when I let go, my voice echoes through the ghetto
Sick of men trying to pull strings like Geppetto
Why black people always be the ones to settle
March through these streets like Soweto

Like Cain and Abel, Caesar and Brutus, Jesus and Judas,
Backstabbers do this

Forgive them father for they know not what they do
Forgive them father for they know not what they do

It took me a little while to discover
Wolves in sheep coats who pretend to be lovers
Men who lack conscience will even lie to themselves, to themselves
A friend once said, and I found to be true
That everyday people, they lie to God too
So what makes you think, that they won't lie to you

Forgive them father for they know not what they do
Forgive them, forgive them
Forgive them father for they know not what they do
Forgive them, forgive them

Gwan like dem love while dem rip yuh to shreds,
Trample pon yuh heart and lef yuh fi dead,
Dem a yuh fren who yuh depen pon from way back when,
But if yuh gi dem yuh back den yuh mus meet yuh end,
Dem noh know wey dem do,
Dem no know, dem no know, dem no know,
Dem no know, dem no know wey dem do

Don't Shake Ya Tailfeather At Work!

So, I'm all busting a move in my cube just now....bobbing my head and boogying down in my office chair. Just generally having a helluva good time all by my bad self with my code and my new play list and then it happened. My general manager came to ask for my signature on something and I was all busting out Mango Style! AND, I have a tank top on today b/c it's beyond warm in my freaking office and there were tattoos and cleavage and everything. DOH! Tank tops are explicitly listed on the dress code as 'unacceptable' I had a cutie little shirt over it when I came in today, but I thought...what's the harm if I take it off while I'm sitting at my desk?

He just smiled and laughed, turned and walked out. I instantly became red and as you all know, an embarrassed Mango is a very very red Mango. I don't hide that very well unfortunately, with the translucent skin and all. Great. He either laughed b/c I was doing the cube boogey or b/c he enjoyed the view...I'm not sure, either way...a smile is way better than a smirk. He's got a great sense of humor, but still...he will now think of me as the freak that sits in her cube and dances by herself. That'll teach me to have fun at work. Good think he didn't notice the open toed sandals and poor ergonomic placement of my keyboard.

I love Norah Jones. The sound of her voice is both soothing and sultry. To me, she is epitome of both a gorgeous classic voice and a gorgeously classic woman. Her lyrics are magic to me and I find myself lulled by her lyrics.

For the past month, until today, those songs just filled me with sadness because the majority of her music is about the joys and the burdens of love. Then, on the way home from my lunch date with Max, I had an epiphany. When I hear music that is love laden and sentimental, instead feeling this sadness over a guy that could not appreciate what he had while he was with me, I will think of the guy that will and can. It's sort of fun, visualizing this fabled person, as if he could possibly exist because my standards now seem impossibly high. It's still fun though, capable, loving, self-less, giving, honorable, truly independent and carefully intentional. Certainly this person exists somewhere and if not, that's ok too...until I happen upon that person, if I ever do, I'll gladly sing my heart out with Norah in my car and cry no more.

"Kindness" by Naomi Shihab Nye

Poem:* "Kindness" by Naomi Shihab Nye, from /The Words Under the Words:
Selected Poems/. © Eighth Mountain Press, 1995. Reprinted with permission.

*Kindness*

Before you know what kindness really is
you must lose things,
feel the future dissolve in a moment
like salt in a weakened broth.
What you held in your hand,
what you counted and carefully saved,
all this must go so you know
how desolate the landscape can be
between the regions of kindness.
How you ride and ride
thinking the bus will never stop,
the passengers eating maize and chicken
will stare out the window forever.
Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness,
you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho
lies dead by the side of the road.
You must see how this could be you,
how he too was someone
who journeyed through the night with plans
and the simple breath that kept him alive.
Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,
you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.
You must wake up with sorrow.
You must speak to it till your voice
catches the thread of all sorrows
and you see the size of the cloth.
Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore,
only kindness that ties your shoes
and sends you out into the day to mail letters and purchase bread,
only kindness that raises its head
from the crowd of the world to say
it is I you have been looking for,
and then goes with you everywhere
like a shadow or a friend.

Weekend Review

Max is home, we are happy about that! He's got a touch of the hanging out w/ the grandparents too long syndrome so he thinks he doesn't have to do chores or listen to his Momma...that'll pass after the 18th time I remind him that he's home. I am just so happy to see him, his voice sounds different?

Gaia has managed to get herself into a fight and has a nasty wound on her right hind-leg and a strange lump on her right rear huanch. Was about this time last year she did the same. Garh, her timing is perfect. I'll have to see how this goes the next few days, Gaia isn't a totally domesticated cat in many ways. She may be able to get through this on her own, we'll see. She certainely seems willing to let me care for her though, so she might need a little human intervention to get that cleaned up and healed.

I'm going to be slammed at work this week, I'll check in soon.

Aunty MB: Sorry I didn't get back with you yesterday and I missed your call later, I was asleep. When it's this hot, going to sleep is a great option though it's hard to get there. Anywhoozle, I love you and will talk to you soon.

xo all,
S

Joy increases as you give it, and diminishes as you try
to keep it for yourself. In giving it, you will accumulate
a deposit of joy greater than you ever believed possible.
--Norman Vincent Peale

The Magic Of The Internet Playlist

Ha, This Is What I Am Talking About....

This made me laugh so hard this morning, here I've been thinking of the steps I will take to avoid becoming the overly-zealous-bitter-man-hater type...and I came across this and laughed and laughed....why? Because it's FUNNY!

Who says you can't find humor in rotten situations? That poor sand castle *shakes head*

Cheers To Quiet Saturday Evenings!

I finished reading Waltzing The Cat by Pam Houston. Outstanding book, empowering and hopeful. The metaphorical content in this book is interesting, I plan to read it again and take notes, plus I love the author's method of communicating from Lucy's (main carachter) perspective.

Max and I watched SherryBaby together, well told story of a woman with a complex history who wants to make it right with her family. Melancholy certainly, but it felt authentic. Maggie G did a fantastic job acting this part, I'm actually quiet shocked to be honest. She really made it work, these are the roles I would totally go after if I was an actress. Of course, I'd have to loose about 100 lbs and get a boob lift. I watched another movie with an extremely tiny Christina Ricci, too skinny. I'm going whoa, it's getting worse. The waif actress syndrome, here I thought it was getting better. Christina Ricci has always been petite, but well proportioned. She looked like death warmed over in this part, it's hard for me to believe how thin these woman must really be b/c the camera warps the body anyway. Such a bunch of bullshit, NO ONE LOOKS LIKE THAT! Some people are born naturally thin, most aren't. Most of us have hips, bellies, thighs and hips. And in my case, lots of junk in the trunk! Booties are sexy if you ask me, these girls have no booties...just skinny little tiny bodies that look more like 14 year old boys then a full grown woman. Our culture is so twisted.

Anyway, the book was great and I'd recommend it to anyone and the movie also for sure.

'night

Avoiding the cycnism

I have found myself with many intensely cycnial thoughts recently. How will I ever trust again? Will I ever trust again? How will I ever believe a word that comes out of any mans mouth? What within me has changed so deeply that I generally find myself feeling literal disgust toward men. The extent to which I feel betrayed, horrified, dishonored and lied to at this point is overwhelming. Surely, I must still be in shock. This sense of disbelief continues to wash over me in huge waves. He wouldn't do this to me, I never thought he would be 'that' guy. I made my mistakes, plenty. We both have, it's true. Often, I find myself shaking my head with wonder. In retrospect, it is all so clear and when those images come in my mind, the history, the memories, what I thought was someone who thought I was special...the tears well up and that tightness in my chest begins to widdle away at my breathe and I find myself trying to understand how people can treat each other so cruely.

My foremost concern at this poing is that I feel so hopeless about my future in terms of relationships with anyone, not just possibley romantic ones. At this point, I cannot even fathom dating and that is to be expected considering the current situation. What worries me more than that is that I feel this fundamentl shift at the core of who I am, what little remaining innocence that existed in me feels betrayed. That place that always believed that we all are good in our hearts and when given the chance, we will do the right thing. I will miss that ignorant bliss, because as I see it now, I'm not sure it can be reclaimed. I feel anxious about the idea that I may spend the rest of my life eyeballing others closely before I feel I can trust them in any way. This feels undescribabley sad to me, it makes my heart ache.

Time is imperative in healing this, that is painfully obvious. Certainely I must spend some time agonizing, I wouldn't be human if I didn't cry tears over this. Somewhere in my heart, I keep thinking I might just speed through the process some how and emerge shiny and new. It can't happen like that, as unfair as that some how seems to me. My friends and family might be thinking that compared to what I've been through already in this life, this is merely a road block. That may be true, but I don't feel as resilliant as I once was. With the experiences I've had in my youth, one might think I would be totally untrusting by nature. I've been cautious, that' for certain....but I can easily say that what I feel right now is bleeding every ounce of energy and concepts of trust out of my very being. I feel consumed, eaten alive.

The main challenge I forsee is avoiding becoming a completely cynical and mistrusting indivdiaul with a jaded view of the world and the people in it. And learning how to protect myself and love again at the same time.

sigh.

Finally Friday Came...

This day finally came and let me tell you, it's none to soon! This week has been horrid, horrid, horrid. I've had bad weeks, I mean....bad bad BAD weeks. But this week the pummeling came down on me with all the fury of Zeus himself. The only reason I am in a half way decent mood at all today is b/c Max will be home in 4 hours and Crystal & Dane have agreed to loan me money to buy groceries so that Max will have a normal house to come home too, or at least the appearance of such. I can't wait to see him. I'm going to make him his favorite (burritos) and hear all about his trip. I am then going to snuggle him and let him hug me back b/c I need a good hug from my baby. Then we will sleep and have the air conditioning on all weekend b/c it's going to be like a bazillion degrees this weekend.

And pray. I'll be doing a lot of praying.

Crystal & Dane, thank you so much for all of your help. I know Mary & Howard are so thankful that I have such a great support system. Paula, Kristen, my Aunties....you guys, everyone has been really really great in helping me to not feel so freaked out and alone in this. The bills will get paid, my heart will heal and Max will have burritos for dinner.

love to you all!

Thanks to my Aunt Marcy too for the check she sent, it was the perfect amount to put gas in my car, feed me dinner for 2 nights and pay for Max's unacompanied minor fee! YOU ROCK!

It's A Real Thing!

My body is doing weird things from the stress, besides the normal distraction, inability to sleep or too much sleep, general nervousness and some pretty near full on panic attacks......my throat keeps acting like it's going to close up on me and hurts and it's really got to be the strangest things ever.

I, hereby solemnly vow, from this point on too diligently work to keep myself out of harms way in all manners, shapes and sizes. This includes poor choices in jobs, men, financial decisions and food/drink. KISS baby, all the way for me. Keep It Simple Stupid! The extent of stress in my life recently is totally avoidable and that starts with me, so whoooppppeeeee I am officially on the No Drama Train and that will be boarding as soon as I can possibly catch up to it.

TOOT TOOT

No, no no more....Drama...CHUG CHUGGGA CHUGAAA CHOOO CHOOO

Song of the day: Mary J Blige - No More Drama

Word sister!

Max Comes Home Tomorrow!

I can't wait, I miss him soooo much! I am ready for some normalcy again, some thing that feels less like chaos and more like comfort. I can't wait to hear all of Max's new stories and things he'll want to share with me, it's exciting. Plus, I know Kasha and Pumpkin will be happy to see him also.

Not much else to say, things are the same as yesterday...but today I woke up breathing, the sun came up and I didn't cry all morning, so that's a good start. I'm more than ready for a little stability in all regards. Looking for some extra work, I have to do something. Considering Starbucks on the weekends.

Mostly though, I just need to focus at work, go home and wrap up the remaining items I wanted to get done before Max comes home and get a good nights rest. It's been hot, no one is sleeping at my house again so that's a lot of fun. Tonight, will be better...for sure!

My friends SO ROCK!

This is an excerpt from an email from the wicked good Missus P today that I thought deserved a spot on my blogg so I can come here and remind myself that playing the fool does not a fool make:

Sar, I hope you see by how your friends react to this situation that you are an amazing person. I know that Chance has hurt you so much, but we see beyond him - and see you for the intelligent and loving soul that you are - I know you are in pain, but try not to beat yourself up for it.

Balance the bad things you are feeling about yourself with all the good, strong things you have accomplished. The fact that you've been through so much with him, and are already accepting that you'll forgive one day is the mark of a truly capable woman.

Always remind yourself that YOU are the strong one.

((HUGS))

Don't Have The Words

I am in shock today. It's scary when you think you know someone and they turn out not to be who you think they are. Makes it hard not to wonder what else has been a lie.

My sense of trust is like totaly warped at this point.

But as Mary said last night, I'm just tired of all the drama. I'm done. Not one more tear can be wasted on someone who would betray me like this.

Good luck man, you are going to need it.

When Apologies & Thank You's Mean Nothing

Without going into the taudry details, the current scenario has taken a turn for the worst. Today, apologies and thank you's mean nothing.

Chance's apologies to me and mine to those who I love that I have dissapointed by having poor choice in judgement and being weak.

I am embaressed, hurt and outraged. I spent 3 hours today very literally shaking, cussing and otherwise throwing a tantrum and I am ashamed. I am angered that someone would take advantage of family, my family. The only people that have ever stuck by me, the only people here in town who believe in me and love me more than some guy I spent 3 years with. I am saddened that I blew some potentially serious things and didn't really allow myself to digest the consequences before I made a decision. I am angry that I allowed myself to be manipulated. I am furious that someone would do this to my child and myself and while the actions may have not been purposefull, they could have been avoided.

This all could have been avoided if I'd stuck up for myself from the beginning and not allowed my ridiculously soft and soluble heart get the best of an otherwise fairly brilliant mind. I am not a stupid girl, I only play one on tv. ha, very funny.

So now, the repercussions of my mistakes and his inability to see how his irresponsibility is effecting me have left me in quite a hole. Not only financially, but with my friends and family. I know they are dissapointed in me and the truth is, that the to me is the wort punishment. To have let down people who have never done anything but love me, I feel like a horrible person. I am enraged that this dynamic has been violated, that the boundary of trust has been broken and that I sat and watched it happen and didn't do anything because I couldn't get my head out of the cloud of depreession and pity. I could have done more.

But what I know for sure is that I've done far more with far less and I won't let anyone get the better of me. I also know I am still loved and I know that in time, the trust and love will be revived. I am not a child any more, I know how to make things right.

Tonight, I am putting my kitchen back together and crying a lot b/c my heart feels broken again. You might wonder how many times that can happen in a few short weeks, and without sounding overly dramatic....I can tell you it's more than I ever thought possible.

The happiest part of this day is coming home to my beautifully remodeled kitchen that took the hands of four different people happen and it was all done with a lot of love and generousity. It reminds me that in spite of my foolishness, I am still loved. Plus, it's just so breathetaking...Kristen finally came over (to bring me a cigarette I'm afraid to admit) and her face very literally lit up, she said the painting was immaculate and she was so pleased w/ how well the cabinet area cleaned up. We high fived, hugged and she did what any good girlfriend does and said "You will get through this, you are strong and I love you. We all love you." I then burst into tears and realized she meant it and just sat and sobbed the ugly face sob on her shoulder complete with snot, tears and some hyperventiling. Kristen is not a squishy kind of girl, so...I know it took a lot for her to look me in the eye and say that.

Song Of The Day

ANNA NALICK LYRICS

"Breathe (2 AM)"

2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?,
I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season"
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason

'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

May he turn 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
"Just a day" he said down to the flask in his fist,
"Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year."
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him. Maybe I'll just sing about it.

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button, boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe
woah breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe.

True Dat Home Slice!

Joy increases as you give it, and diminishes as you try
to keep it for yourself. In giving it, you will accumulate
a deposit of joy greater than you ever believed possible.
--Norman Vincent Peale

When Life Gets Complex...

I once had this attitude that life need not be complicated, that decisions could be made and action taken to avoid such complication. What I seem to have brazenly excluded from this calculation was the actions/behaviors of others and the unintentional, indvertant ways in oneself can compound the complication.

Learnings lessons about who you are when faced with adversity and the choices you make seems to be what is in lifes toolbox for me, little by little I am learning that I can be who I am in the face of all adversities I am presented with and that person is kind and good at the core of her being. My course of action, my emotional perspective and reaction, it may not always be ideal...but I generally walk away from situations feeling pretty good that I've maintained that place within myself that I wish to exist. It's not always easy, as is probably clear from my last few posts...but once I get used to the idea, once I am able to adjust my visions about my interactions with others...integrity in handling those interactions is how I wish to proceed.

Some day, life will not feel so sad and burdened. I know that and C knows that. With great love and hope, comes great loss and dissapointment. I wish it weren't so, I wish that C and I had been able to come through this in a healthier more mature manner. Thus far, we haven't succeeded in doing so, that truly saddens me very deeply. Somewhere in mind, I always thought if we came to this place we'd likely be able to still love one another and find a place within ourselves that was able to be kind and patient and do the right thing for the other. Not just for us, but for our mothers and families who had such high hopes for us and our life together. And Max. And the animals who are less confused, but I know would be estatic to see him. And our mutual friends whom I am sure are conflicted in some manner. It would be ideal if we could some how salvage things w/o it being a totally traumatic disaster in the end, but I'm not sure that can happen. Sometimes when someone wounds you so deeply, you don't recover. Usually, not with that person. We are both fundamentally broken inside, at least for now.

Today probably the most depressing and painful thought occurred to me...if C and I can't negotiate our way out of this peacefully, this fairly insignificant experience on the grander scale...like what real hope is there that our governments and mases of huamns can? That's probably a bigger thought than I really need to ponder at this particular moment, but it wandered into my mind and has planted a seed. It must be possible? It has to be, right?

In A Funk

Weekend was ok, it could've been better I guess. After the C conversation/sprained ankle incident, I've been a little crusty. My kitchen is coming along nicely and I'm really pleased with how much is getting done. Mary & Howard have been a life saver!

I spent Saturday night trying NOT to be pissed at Chance and picking on Kristen's little brother. We are relentless to the poor boy, but he was a mean-spirited little child and karma would dictate that perhaps that might come back to him. We are MUCH kinder in our play then he ever was to us, plus this has more to do with the fact that he used to call me "Pizza Butt Face" when I was a very sensitive and vulnerable 14 year old. I vowed then to make sure I got back at him, which I did on Saturday night by spraying him with the hose and throwing popcorn at him which stuck quite well to a slightly soggy JR. So there, ha. Plus, I hung out with Carol a good portion of the night (Kristen's Mom) and learned all about her family, how cool was that? Her dad was a WWII fighter pilot! Neat stories.

Anyway, Sunday we got a ton of work done on the house. It's safe to say that 'we are almost done.' Fabbbahulous! I'm looking forward to having my kitchen/life back, but it's going to be such a beautiful new kitchen/life....I already feel it.

Today, I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed. Unfortunately, some people don't always do what they say they will and when that happens...it often can effect others in a considerable manner. I cannot find it within me to be hateful toward anyone, but I am, if nothing else, extremely disappointed. And angry. Yes. Very. I have a child to feed, I am a single working mother now trying to pay a mortgage on one income. This entire scenario has cost me quite a lot and on every level possible, from emotional to financial. More so in the financial now it seems. I am angry that this somehow doesn't concern the other person involved here, that it is now every man for himself in spite of the numerous times I have bailed him out of scenarios, co-signed my life away so he could buy that stupid f*cking bike and worked my ass off so that my credit was in good shape, which inevitably ended up benefiting him quite nicely. I've been more than patient, more than kind and more than loving. I have nothing left to give and I no longer can tolerate this passive attitude towards following up with responsibilities. I am done being generous, there just comes a point where you have to say "NO!" and I've met that limit. I'd met it a long time ago.

It's very sad, I never thought I'd have to go this route with him. And all I can thinking of is how badly I want this issue to be resolved so I can pay the mortgage, get the bills on track and get on with my life. Why must it be drawn out for weeks, months? All it seems like is an effort to some how maintain control of the situation...I don't know? Again, I never thought this would be how things would end between us, it's really a bummer to me.

This too, shall pass.

Song for the day: Garbage - Special

Doh, just when you think it's safe....

I have been feeling fantastic, and I mean good. Better than I have in quite some time, the depression has begun to subside and the relief I've felt these past few weeks is unquestionable. KB treated me to a massage/pedi last night and wine/appetizers at a quaint little bar in Cherry Creek. My friends are such good people, so kind and giving to me. Spending a few hours with K last night was refreshing and intoxicating in the way that only the love and bond of those special few friendships in life can bring. The way that everyone has been reaching out to me recently has been a moving experience, that's for certain.

Last night, I came home...watched some Sex In The City (I love Samantha, I mean the cajones on that girl!) and went to bed by 11. Slept in until about 9, snuggled the dog and we did some morning yoga for about an hour and then I finally got moving. Slowly, slowly, slowly.

As I'm peetering around the house I notice that C called and left a vm. I don't always listen to my vm's, I just call the person who called back. Sometimes it's just easier, or I'm just lazy...I don't know. As I call C back, I am looking out my bedroom window and feeling so grateful for my home and all the love I feel in my life, my amazing family in CO which mostly consists of non-blood relatives and how much I love my pets. I also had a very strong flash of missing Max and I got teary at that point.

C answers the phone. The conversation didn't go well, let's just put it like that. The freaking nerve, I don't even know where to begin and I won't go into detail because I won't blast C to my readers and so public ally....but I left the conversation with that feeling in my stomach like I just wanted to scream and scream and break something. There is only one other person in my life that draws that kind of emotion from me and luckily, I've only had to speak to him about 3 times in the past 13 years. I maintained my calm though after the conversation which ended with me having to hang up on him b/c I just can't let him talk to me like that anymore and went down stairs to turn of my sprinklers. As I go outside to turn off the hose which is pumping water into the new sprinkler Howard just got for me...Gaia cat decides to come rub up against my leg right as I'm jumping from the cement steps to the area where my rose bushes are, which is where the nozzel is. I am wearing a pair of 3" inch chunky strappy sandals and yep, you guessed it....I went flying and twisted my ankle. And banged up my knee. And bent my wrists back funny. Not only did I not recover from trying not to kick Gaia in the head, I managed to ding up every part of my body that is already tender, strained or otherwise somehow not an area that is good to put under stress.

As tradition dictates, big drippy tears started pouring down my recently beautifully made up face and ruined my fresh eye make up and I felt like a child throwing a temper trantrum. My ankles instalty started throbbing, my knee began to bleed and my wrist tingles obnoxiously. It took everything I had to get up, turn off that stupid faucet and NOT kick the cat on the way in. If I was a cat kicker, Gaia would've been in HUGE trouble...even though this is in no way her fault (leave it to the snottiest cat on the planet who suddenly wants to give me lovies on her terms, that's faaaaaaaaaaabulous, Love you too Gaia smoochies) and I know she didn't do it on purpose b/c contrary to populate belief...black cats are not witches, even tho Gaia IS a little witchy, but not toward me. She did get out of my way though, so I suspect her cat intuition were telling her that vacating the area immediately was a good idea. In fact, she's kept her distance from me every since. Cats are smart, aren't they? Smarter than humans are sometimes.

After my little fit, I sucked it up and am now going about my day. But, let me tell you...I am in a damn funk now. Screw C and his attitude, I've been good and kind to him and I can no longer allow my feelings to interfere with the facts and the way things must be. Screw my stooopid ankles that have never been the same after that night at C & D's and screw the fact that I am broke beyond belief and am not sure how I'm going to eat the next 2 weeks and I have days where my trust in mankind plummets just a little more. Screw it.

Sandy Sassy Pants is taking me out for lunch, she will bring a smile to my face and buy me a glass of wine and she is newly in love so my faith will be restored that people are not total assholes. I also know that this does pass. My body in a biological sense knows that, my mind from a mental perspective knows that and the light within me knows that I'm going to have these days and they are going to suck...but it's not EVERY day and it does get better. And throwing a fit, crying or kicking the cat wont' help. What WILL help is doing something about it and that's what I AM doing whether C likes it or not. So, for the rest of the day...I am going to go back to the place where I am happy and take care of me and screw all this other BS. Call it over indulgent, call it selfish..whatever. It's better then sitting around being furious at things I cannot control.

Kasha Of The Krazy

It's a simple fact. Kasha is completely out of her mind. She is a living, breathing, conscious garbage disposal on steroids.

Alot of dogs, most dogs one could argue, beg for things foods like hamburger or cheese. This dog begs for lettuce and carrots. She eats cabbage too. Actually, she'll eat almost anything. Thus far, only one food item that has gone unwanted and escaped inhalation. It was a raisin. Poor raisin, even Kasha Of the Krazy won't eat you. That's ok, raisins and I are friends though I prefer them in the undried fashion...you know, like a grape. Especially those big purple ones with seeds. Grapes are good, raisins remind me a little of mouse turds. Not that I've ever knowingly eaten mouse turds, but as I understand it, there are certain allotments for the cereal to bug/mouse turd ratios in boxed cereal products. So it is likely I've consumed a number of things I wouldn't otherwise put even remotely close to my mouth. Yuck.

When I went home to walk Kasha at lunch today, we participated in the 'welcome home' ritual which occurs each and every time I leave and come home. It consists of her jumping, jumping and bouncing, bouncing. The next step involves a race around the entire parameter of the house at an extreme rate and usually consists of running over a cat or two, some hissing, more bouncing and a little nipping. We are working on the nipping, but I am having a difficult time explaining to her that puppy teeth make people nervous and nipping may be the manner in which she feels she needs to express that she is excited and that she loves her family, but human skin is pretty fragile and really, we are total wimps and puncture easily and this really hurts, so it might be best if she found another to express her love. She just stares at me when we have this talk, some times she tilts her head to the side and starts wiggling her rear, so something I am saying is of interest. I think it has more to do with her very high hopes that I will take her for a walk at any given moment.

Unfortunately, today during the 'welcome home' ritual Kasha must have miscalculated her step and wasn't able to turn in time, because as she came down the stairs so fast she went right into the bathroom and slid into the cabinet. Hard. Thunk! I haven't laughed that hard in a very very long time. My poor puppy, splayed out on the bathroom floor in total wonderment. She seemed humiliated by my laughter, so I sort of chuckled under my breath and picked her up and spent a lot of time reassuring her and mending her self-confidence.

And people question whether companion animals have a sense of humor, that's the funniest thing she's done yet!

Another curious behavior I haven't quite grasped is her seemingly insatiable appetite for cat poo. Kitties use kitty boxes. The kitty boxes are discreetly placed in the house so as the kitty and the human can avoid the potentially embarrassing scenario of the kitty using the kitty box in front of the human. Bathrooms have doors, kitties need privacy too right? Plus, this is poo we are talking about so kitty boxes need to be somewhere that's not in a general living space. In my home, this is the basement area, conveniently hidden and covered by several area's of ply wood and shelving to ensure kitty privacy. With a nice window for fresh air! Also in the basement, there is a general living area in which Max and I spend most of our time. These rooms are separated and one area is finished and one area is not. The door to the unfinished part of the basement must remain ajar for obvious reasons (easy kitty access) and this arrangement generally works out quite well. However, Kasha cannot seem to resist sneaking in there on occasion for a little snack. The first time I discovered that it was in fact poo she was eating is not something I wish to discuss nor think of ever EVER again. My first thought was - MY dog is a poo eater! What is wrong with her! That is just about the most neurotic thing I've ever heard of. I was pretty crushed by this experience and really let her know that cat poo is not dog food. It then occurred to me that ALL of the dogs I've ever had have been poo eaters. If there is a cat in the house, they will go to great lengths to get into that poo. No matter how much food, attention, exercise or scolding to NOT EAT THE POO etc.etc.. the dog might get, they have to have the poo. Poo poo poo poo POO! All poo, all the time. Oh...I just had a brilliant and potentially lucrative thought! Maybe I should develop a dog food that tastes like CAT POO! We'd be rich. Obviously, I have a perfectly willing test subject in my very own home! Perfect!

Poo eating aside, Kasha ranks high on my list of favorite living things. She makes me laugh, she's very warm and snuggly and most of all....she's the BEST companion a girl could ever have! She's right up there with Max and the ocean, so much so that I can even tolerate her snack choices as long as I make an effort to keep her out of the poo as much as is possible and if I just don't think about it, it doesn't bother me at all. Plus, fresh breath biscuits go a long long way in indulging myself in the fantasy that my dog only eats lettuce and carrots and would never ever think to touch poo. Ever.

Mouse turds and poo. Great blogg eh?

BUYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

You know it's going to be a good day when your jeans fit a little looser, you narrowly miss a potentially horrid speeding ticket, you get to work and the voice mail light isn't blinking and someone you haven't heard from in months IM's you with a surprise HELLLLO:)

Score One For The Mango!

Someone Asked Me Today....

I was asked today if I consider myself a feminist. I sort of laughed, I thought it was obvious but apparently if someone felt so inclined to ask then perhaps I should ponder my response more carefully then staring at this person like he just landed from Mars.

Am I a feminnist? It's a good question, I've really never put too much thought into labeling myself in such a manner...I think I've inherantly thought of myself as such. If being a feminist means having concern for the treatment of women of all ages world-wide, then yes. I'd say, yes, most definately that I am a feminist.

If being a feminist means I have to discount the value of the male species to promote the value of the female gender...than I can't do that. As much as I have my days where I find myself thinking that most men are almost totally and completely worthless and that sure, it really IS pretty unfair. The way things have panned out, how many men in my generation are getting off way easy and not having to committ themselves to their children, their wives, their partners, their jobs, their families....how I find the double standards about sex, morality and general conventional thought about what is deemed acceptable for a man to do versus the same for a woman. What about the manner in which females are treated and portrayed in certain cultures that have now become Americanized and the concept of feminie power and beauty is no longer at play, it's just about exploiting and making a dollar off of a beautiful womans body, voice, talent or otherworldly qualities? It's totally disgusting and degrading.

Or the fact that I am still making less than my male counter-parts and especially because I am a single mother. I am most likely to make even less than a woman without a child in my field b/c being a mother often must tend to needs of her child completely on her own, thus are more apt to miss work. But last I checked, no matter the method, it takes sperm which comes from a MAN and an egg which comes from a woman to make a baby...in my case I became pregnant by a man who does absolutely nothing to assist in the care for this child, yet I am still punished by society for being a single, working mother who works hard to care for the child his own father has abandoned.

Talk about some bullshit, for sure!

But, I know woman do all of these things too....it's not a gender thing, or a judgement thing. It's an individual position. It is who YOU are. I would never be able to discount anyone for the mere fact of their gender, it would be the same as we are accusing the American culture of doing to us a woman since it's inception. Men are beautiful, interesting and complex individuals. Many of the kindest people I know come to me in the form of grandfathers and fathers and brothers. My Grandpa John and Comer, Howard, Bryan, Dane and Matt. And my sons, Max and the many young boys in my life I care for. They all loving, giving, capable, concious, honorable, good men. Good human beings. I love them all very deeply and appreciate what they bring to my life and the world they live in. So, I don't believe in 'hating' on men as a means to an end in the message and potential outcomes of the feminist movement.

However, I have to be perfectly blunt and let me not stutter...I see about a 10 to 1 ratio of guys behaving poorly versus their female equal acting in the same manner. It's sad to say, but I must point it out only for the mere fact that while I do believe it IS personal choice to be who you are and it not is defined by your gender...where I think the problem lies has more to do with what culture/communities condone versus the inherant nature of a male/female. And that, more than anything I feel...is what makes me a feminist. Is to support the message of equality, freedom, opportunity and empowerment for women.

Ultimately, what I'd like to see is communities supporting all of us. Every gender, color, eye & nose & lip shape, young, old and in between...I'd like to see our communities supporting us ALL equally, fairly and justly. That's where I would have to start.

Now I'm not sure how to answer this question, perhaps I could consider myself an 'equalist?'

EDIT:
Read this, it is a reminder as to why we should be fighting for all of our rights...not just amongst the genders. These guys, that go over there and serve 2 and 3 and 4 duties...its so sad. The woman fighting over there, right along side those men...it makes me cry and cry. It's just not right and for any of the misgivings of our current political and cultural climate in America, I can deal with that...where we have to start is with changing the global impact. It's too scary.
http://www.alternet.org/asoldierspeaks/55921/

What's On YOUR iPod? (07/10/2007)

Being that I got this new fancy gadget (woopeeee for me!) from Mary & Howard (I'm wickedly spoiled aren't I?) I thought it might be fun to share what I currently have on my iPod and see what you all have on yours at the moment? Maybe we can trade?

As of 07/10/2007

10,0000 Maniacs - 1993 Mtv Unplugged (My personal current fav, Natale Merchant is one of my heros)

Ben Harper - Diamonds On The Inside

The Doors - '62 - '85 Best Of

Fiona Apple - Tidal

Garbage - Version 2.0
Garbage - Beautiful Garbage

Radiohead - OK Computer Live From London

Sarah M. - The Freedom Sessons
Sarah M. - Surfacing
Sarah M. - Fumbling Toward Extacy

Tool - Undertow
Tool - Enima

The White Stripes - Elephant

Prince - Random (Mostly from the Best of discs, a few other)

Iron & Wine - The Woman King
Iron & Wine - Our Endless Numbered Days

Modest Mouse - Everywhere & His Nasty Parlor Tricks

Steve Jobs is a genius, it's the damn truth. It's fun to have techie things that don't require too much thought, you just plug this thing and create playlists. Cool eh! I spend probably 3/4's of my waking hours being a nerd, it's fun when it's a seamless effort on my part:)

Blogger is being a pest...did someone report it I wonder? I can't put a title on my blogg right now...gr.

That aside.....this was my blogg from Monday July 8th:

Remodeling/Renovating/Rebirthing Mania!

Let's see where to start....the kitchen would be the obvious answer to that I suppose. The obtrusive and rather poorly planned cabinets are totally gone, not even a trace as now all the spackling, sanding and texturing is done. THANKS Howard! Mary is coming over today and we are going to start putting the paint on. I can't wait to see how it all turns out! Many are asking for pics and I'll be sure to post them as soon as they become available.

Other house news....most of C's stuff is out so now it's just the clean up. He's got until the 18th to get whatever is left (I'd like to avoid the constant coming/going scenes for Max, plus...it's time for him to get his stuff out) will go to GoodWill. Now that this piece is moving forward, I can get into the basement, closets and other area's that I now have more space to organize and customize to my own expectations!

The basement got a good, thorough cleaning this morning and I'm letting the spot cleaning dry before I put down the newly laundered area rug (PU, that thing was N.A.S.T.Y!) and this gives me a canvas to begin planning for the downstairs.

Mary and Howard are helping me fix all sorts of little things and Howard (bless is heart) has been patienting explaining things that I really have zero knowledge of. I feel a little silly, being 31 and living on my own over half of my life time now with little (or none really) handy-woman type of experiences. But, it feels good to learn things. Hrm, what a concept.

Emotionally, this experience is marking a rebirth of sorts within me, it is more than a deep breathe of fresh air. The Spring Winds came up from the ocean and over the moutains to cleanse this life, this home and this spirit. I honestly feel completely reborn in many aspects and I feel so incredibley ALIVE today for the first time in months. Many months. I am exhuasted, but it's the kind of tired that lets me know the good fight is being fought, the fight that lets me reclaim my life, my heart and that all the sacrifice, fear and anxiety of these past few years hasn't been for nothing.

I can't thank Mary, Howard & Kristen enough. Their love, support and assistance is unwaivering and solid. It's great!

Till next time, peace!
S

OH BUGGER!

I watched THE squeeeeshiest movie on the planet tonight, it's one of my new favorites. Now, the end with Cameron Diaz running in those stilletos in the snow...yeah, ok...and the part where alls well that ends well and the whole new family is singing and dancing around the fireplace..CHEEEESEBALL!

But, otherwise...it was a sweet movie, I even cried! It felt good to cry happy tears about the idea of love rather than the crushing painful feeling like a huge looser with major issues kind:)

Plus, I discovered...THIS!

Jude Law! Le purrrrr, le meow.....le sigh:) I have officially graduated from pastey melancholy, manically depressed and overly sensetive, brittish indie punk rockers to slightly older and probably less melancholy wickedly hot brittish guy. How did I miss this before now? Did you see those eyes...woh.

It was a good weekend:) I feel good today, loved and happy. I'm headed to bed. Peace!

Check out big man out TN:


I love the longer hair, it's so cute!

In other news....my kitchen is in full renovation mode! It's unbelievable! Kristen came over last night and we took down the big obstructing cabinets and started spackling. I was asleep by midnight after 5 hours of straight work and slept like a baby.

Mary & Howard The Handy came over today and we got so much done. I should say Mary and Howard got a lot done, I'm sort of being schooled on this subject of home repair and painting. I'm learning a lot by watching and doing. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the cabinets out of the kitchen, it's astonishing how much it opens up the space, it's like a whole new room. I also LOVE LOVE LOVE the paint we choose, it's so pretty. I am overly fond of green, I can't help it. Green is alive, it speaks to me. It makes me happy and it just feels like a good color for almost anything. So, there is lots of spackling, drilling, sanding, sweeping, more sanding and more spackling going on. Howard thought we'd have the kitchen ready for painting after tomorrow. WOW! It's so gorgeous, already....I'm thrilled.

Howard also capped of the sprinkler system once and for all and we hsouldn't have to worry about it for a while now. Thank goodness.

I have to tell you, I am exhuasted. This is hard work! Mostly I think I'm tired from last night, taking those cabinets down wasn't easy....but it wasn't rocket science either. Kristen saved me. Mary and Howard are saving me. It's so much fun to do these projects with my family, it feels like everyone is chipping into to help me make my home my own and that feels really good.

YAY ME!

I'll probably be piddling the rest of the day, just took a long nap and am doing laundry. Have some more sanding to do, but that's about it for today. Tomorrow, we'll finish up the prep work and be good to go! WOOP WOOP!

Sometimes, All You Can Do Is Laugh...Or Cry If Your Me

Sometimes, All You Can Do Is Laugh...Or Cry If Your Me

Tonight was the night of mini-break downs and too much happening at once. Wasn't in the greatest mood when I left work, I sort of keep having these flashes of feeling really overwhelmed. This week is all whacked out, with the day off in the middle cuz of the 4th of July and Max being out of town and this feeling like everything is in motion and nothing is in a place that makes sense at the moment. Work is proving to be crazy busy at a time when I'm having a hard time focusing, but that part is getting better. So, I'm feeling a touch bit overwhelmed anyway....I get to Georgia's, unload on her. Cry and let her tell me it's going to be ok, that I AM going to be stronger and that change opens doors. It pushes you into places you might not have the nerve, motivation or energy to go on your. It's true, I know that. But ain't it a bitch sometimes?

On the way home, I think.....mmmm, better water that grass and those flowers I worked so hard on when I get home. Walk in the door, am met with Kasha in her normal state of frenzy when I get home. We say hello, she gets a 'steak' and I go turn the sprinklers on. Then I think, oh...wait, isn't there a certain way to do this? I'd asked C to fix them before he moved out, I must've missed the instructions so I am trying frantically to turn them off and suddenly, I am being showered by lawn water coming out of some random pipe thing. I run into the house, notice that the back gate is open and Kasha is no were to be found. I go running out the front door and there's Kasha, looking harried and rather flustered. I call C frantically. He says he's on his way over (he was coming to get stuff anyway, so that worked out well) and as I hang up the phone, a cop-looking guy comes pounding on my door. I've got Kasha in my arms, he starts screaming at me that my vicious dog attacked his two little babies and that it took 3 people to get Kasha off of his dog.

Crap.

I explained to the gentlemen (who frankly was acting like a hysterical little child) that Kasha has never bit anyone, not human or canine or even the other two cats she lives with. That she can be dog aggressive, but she is still being trained and acts like she's totally ferocious but always backs down. I couldn't get a word in edgewise. I then ask if he's a cop, nope...he's a FEDERAL MARSHALL from Aurora with no 'jurisdiction' in this area. Great. He asks for my name, I'm like sure. No problem. My dog may be a brat around other dogs, but she's not some terrible horrible demon dog. Most likely she went running up to these two dogs, trying to act like Ms. Tough Shit and got scared and didn't know how to react and then they all got into it in some furry, fumbling panic. We finish up our conversation and by this time I am seething, this guy is acting like Kasha is Cujo or something and talking to me very inappropriately in the process. Sure. ok.

Then the cop comes. For the record...I am PETRIFIED of police. Why? Probably all those years on the run and they were, in effect, the 'enemy.' It's gotten better, but as soon as one is within a few feet of me I very literally begin to have a panic attack. I instantly think I am in trouble and something bad is going to happen. As soon as the cop comes in I start shaking. Like That's not suspicious right? Thank goodness he was a nice guy, he took my story, filed a report and said animal control will be out tomorrow. Chance comes in as the cop is questioning me and Kasha becomes excited and want's me to be put her down so she can greet Chance. Starts jumping all over the cop. bounce....bounce....bounce. Oh good. The cop and I finish up the whole thing, says to wait for the call tomorrow from animal control so they can come and 'investigate.' Super Duper! My first run in with the law other than traffic violations and it's over my dog. Cuz she is Cujo reincarnate for sure. Last I checked, she's foaming at the mouth and all. Vicious, have you seen her teeth?

THEN....after the cop leaves, C inspects the sprinkler system...which has been on this entire time and he then informs me that some pipe is stripped. He has to turn the water off, for the whole house. He can come on Saturday to fix it but I'll have to wait, I pointed out that if he were still living here, he wouldn't be waiting until Saturday to make sure the water is on. We then start fighting about the sprinkler and what ever else under the sun b/c we are both stressed out (one reason we are no longer together, b/c we don't work well together under crisis) and I start bawling the biggest, fattest most drippiest tears on the planet and Chance gets mad. B/c it makes him feel bad when I cry. I then put attempt to put on my big girl panties and tell him I can handle it by myself and just to get his stuff and get the bleep out. Real mature, I know. But...please consider the circumstances. As I write this, it's funny...but it was not at that moment, I assure you. Then after some more yelling, he asks if I want help...I bawl something incoherent and he herds me into his roomies car to take me to Home Depot. We wander Home Depot about half an hour with me sniffling, pouting and being otherwise pathetic and really REALLY pissed off at the world in that moment and C says he doesn't know what he needs to get the job done and he'll have to come on Saturday. Neither of us have any money, we can't call a plumber, we won't have the money to fix this at Home Depot....we are both emotionally spent.

Double Crap.

I am then herded back out to the car, where I have nothing to say as I've reached the limit for what I can handle in a single day and silently cry all the way home. I walk in the door, and the floodgates open again. All the emotion of feeling overwhelmed by this break up came out, hard and heavy. I said things I needed to say, maybe not in the most appropriate manner but I said what I had to say. I told him it wasn't fair, this damn dog was what HE wanted (but I love her of course and it's not her fault she's a shit, it's mine), HE reassured me in all my reluctantly about buying this house away, HE told me this and that and the other thing so I could help him with his bike....and so on and so on and so fourth. I said almost every ugly thing I've been thinking and I flat out told him this ISN'T FAIR. HE wasn't supposed to do this to me. He stared at me, stunned and calmly said I will call you later. It's going to be ok. He hugged me, kissed me on the head and left. And I just cried even more b/c I didn't mean to be so hateful and I know Chance's intentions were good and neither of us could for seen this and yes, I AM overwhelmed and yes I DO have days where I feel really really alone. And upset and not so patient any more. But damn him and...and...I'm just fed up with this whole thing and feel like someone besides me should have to ante up and take care of business, and the sprinkler blowing up and me feeling left to deal with it about popped my top right off. I feel bad now, I really wasn't very nice and the fact remains that no one person is ever to blame in a situation...Chance isn't some terrible guy, he's a wonderful person. And I don't want to hate on him right now b/c it's not what my heart tells me to do, I think he is just the easiest person to point my finger at. Albeit SOME finger pointing is needed, but some should be pointed at me too. He's just...I don't know. His intentions have been good, we both went into this with a commitment and for whatever reason, that commitment and desire to see it through has faltered. And then I cried some more as I sat and thought about that, about how we let each other down and how that hurts like hell.

This must be my day to cry because I really haven't been able to keep the tears back for very long.

I called Howard to let him know Saturday morning wouldn't work for painting as I needed to get this taken care of with Chance. Howard insisted on coming to take a look and was here in half an hour, spent 2.5 hours in the dark capping off the sprinkler system so I could have water. Going to work with no shower, bad. Pets with no water, bad. Howard said not one judgemental word about anyone or anything in this situation, he just showed up. With a neutral, very parental, but loving and kind attitude. Even when we walked through Home Depot at 9:15 at night trying to find the right PVC pipe under those glaring lights he was joking around and just generally making me NOT feel like a total looser for needing him and the truth is, when he came over...I really did feel like it was going to be ok. This sense of relief, like...I'm really not alone in this. Really. Someone does have my back and I am loved and I'm not a total screw up. It's all I've been able to do since he got here to keep from crying my eyes out, I don't know why I think I have to be strong in front of him. He just left actually, after a few attempts at getting it all fixed...but he did it and did a great job! And to be honest, I haven't felt this relieved in a really really long time and I'm not even sure why. It's not just because my washer is washing clothes at the moment and that my dog has fresh water to drink (the biter) it just felt really good to me that Howard came. Really good. Made it all better for tonight and that, to me, is like an amazing, thought full, conscious and caring thing to do. I wonder what drives someone to do that for another person? And I think of how much I want to be that person some day, just be able to come help someone I love just because I can or because I want to. It's pretty shocking stuff, I don't always know how to do deal with it. Isn't that sad? I don't always know how to let people love me with out massive guilt and fear and like I'm not worth it and all this other weird stuff.

I am now going to go upstairs and cry some more and go to sleep, this has been the longest 5 hours. Some sort of odd time warp.

Celebrating The 4th

Tuesday Night:
C came over to pick a lens and ended up taking me to dinner for a quick bite to eat on him, it was a nice gesture...but awkward. He's a funny bird some days and I've given up trying to understand him and just let things be what they are. I think he feels some need to check in on me, to try and 'take care of me' in some manner from a distance. *shrugs* We discussed finances, the house and life, we talk about how things are working out for both of us. We go longer periods without speaking but we still must talk regularly due to our current financial connections. And the house is still pretty full of his stuff, in the basement anyways. I tell him how I'm worried, worried about the motorcycle payment and making sure the mortgage is getting paid on time. I explained that I feel pretty raw in terms of the financial outcomes of this situation. He tells me that life isn't easy for him either right now and that it's been hard on him too. I know that's true. I bit my tongue though, I didn't bring up the number of comments I could've made at that moment, but I'm sure the look on my face made my point evident. It is what it is, that's what he keeps saying. Ha...that's one way of looking at it I guess.

After dinner, Matt & Helen came over and we had a great time. It's been months since I've seen them both, long over due if you ask me! Matt blew some stuff up across the street and took Kasha for a walk, which I know she greatly appreciated. They are getting their own place together! WOOOP WOOOP. That's so great, congratulations guys. It's helluva deal, jeesh. Nice place for a great price, can't beat that! Good luck, can't wait to see the outcome!

Wednesday:
Slept in a bit, watched some TV, napped, ate yummy things and tried to stay cool. The heat has been getting to me a bit lately, it's better today though. Manageable at least. Kasha spent the evening whining, shaking, barking, crying and otherwise being pitiful due the kids up and down the street blowing stuff up. I am a definite fan of fireworks, the big pretty ones...not so much all the noise and fire aspect of it all. It really does feel a little overwhelming, I don't blame Kasha. It is a little much if you ask me. I'm sleepy today for sure, a restless puppy doesn't make for such a great nights sleep.

All in all, it was a nice day off. Too short, this day off in the middle of the week thing is a little distracting. I'm totally slammed at work today, I see Georgia at 4 and have some cleaning to do at home. Tomorrow night I see Kim for a nice girls night at her place. I'm eager to see her, I've been concerned about her mental/emotional state. Her and her husband are divorcing and it's a tough time. Something in the air it seems b/c everyone I know is either doing really well or really not so well! Ah....

Saturday, we paint! Mary and Howard are coming to help me get the kitchen situated. WOO HOO. I'm excited about that, it's going to make such a huge difference. I can't wait:)

peace out ya'll, have a great day.

In Honor Of Crystal & Dane

May this sacred day be memorable and bright in your mind when you look to it years from now. I love you both so dearly, it is sad that I am not with you today physically, but I am with you in spirit. Congratulations! Your love brings inspiration to many and the vision of you in my mind is a testament of that love. I've never been able to see it any other way!

Live long and prosper friends, be well.

Changed My Header....

I updated the header on my blogg....my Aunt Marcy sent me this quote, the reason for my posting it is probably obvious.

Tonight, I was presented with yet another opportunity to practice patience and tolerance. What I'm learning is that I cannot control how others feel or perceive me, but I can control how I act/react when faced with their opinions/judgements. For one moment, I began getting bristly...ready to give someone an earful. My ego wanted to react and react strongly. I did not. I started too and then I heard the tone in my voice elevate and the pit of my stomach became notted. I remebered that I don't have to defend myself for me to know what is true. I don't have to defence myself to people demanding explanations about unwarraned assumptions. I can no longer feel responsible for how anyone else feels about me, my life style, who I am or the decisions that I make. If I had engaged this person in the debate they were working to chide me in, I would have failed myself by over-reacting and getting defensive. Instead of giving into what they were looking for from me and that was a rise, to some how appease them, to tell them what they wanted to hear and for me to say all the right things to make it ok again. I can't do that any more, I won't do it. I will always be kind, but I do not have to expend my energy anymore trying to get my own back off the wall. I'm working to be the person I want to be, I don't have to provide explanations, especially not when they are demanded in such a negative fashion. Funny what we think others owe us, it can be a deceptive game, friendship, love. I've never understood how that same love that someone will profess for you can turn around and hurt you in a mere second.

I'm sure we all saw it coming...but you can believe this crap with Scooter Libbey? WTF? Where is the freaking outrage? HELLO?! The entire nation just spent how many weeks talking about stoopid Paris Hilton and her short time in jail for being a pretty princess with a drinking problem....EVERYONE had a damn opinion. You couldn't read anything, not even Alternet with out seeing her face. But somehow The Mad Cowboy gets to pardon his little buddy and Libbey just gets off. That's it. No biggy. NO WONDER THE REST OF THE WORLD HATES US! Least we know if Rove ever does get indicted, what's waiting for him. Unless GWB goes down too. GARH. Sometimes I feel like a hampster, just running the wheel and watching it all go down around me with no hope. '08 help me help me!

07/02/2007

Friday:
After a rather trying day emotionally for a number of reasons, I spent the evening with Mary and Howard, had a delicious meal (I haven't had real meal in a while it seems like) and a few hours of quiet, comfortable interactive time with just the two of them. I was reluctant to go because going home to my bed to cry and moan and spend the evening feeling pitiful sounded much more appealing. I took a bath, played with Kasha and fed the cats. I felt a little better after that. So I went, and I'm glad I did. Rhy and his g/f invited me out to coffee after downtown but I honestly just couldn't do much more than making it to Mary & Howard's. The fact that I made it all felt like a small miracle, so I thought I ought not push it too hard. I went home, had a brief conversation which C that ended up with him laughing at my attempts to stand up for myself and me feeling really humiliated in the process, but I ignored that and went to bed with Kasha snuggled up next to me and we both slept like there wasn't a care in the world.

Saturday:
Slept in longer than I anticipated and pittered around the house a little before I got my day started. This 'pittering' consisted of sleeping a little more, wandering about my house admiring the quiet and serene nature of my home when it is not boiling over with apathy and discord and eating peanut butter out of the jar for breakfast. I kept stopping by Max's room and trying to figure out if I wanted the door open or shut. He keeps it shut when he's home b/c that is what teenage boys do, they are private and especially don't want squirrelly nosey Mom's all up in their business. But, Max isn't here so I decided to keep it open until he gets home. Besides, Gaia likes his room as the window in this room over looks her vast kingdom in which she has a great many duties and responsibilities such as seeking and destroying moths, surveying the land for any intruders and sampling the various delicates of her land which all of her loyal servants happily provide her.

After showering and some more piddling, I spent the remainder of the daylight hours running errands, visiting with Kristen and her ladies and tidying up my home. Watered the plants, the grass and Kasha. Kasha needs to be watered, it apparently is an important aspect of her growth, otherwise...she rolls in things and smells bad and I'm sort of not into that smelling bad thing. So, she's had several baths recently actually after a unfortunate mishap while on a walk (muddy water, fresh cut grass, you do the math) and whatever it is in the back field that she wants to roll around in.

After all this, Max and I spoke at length and he sounded like he was having a total ball. My grandparents seem to be enjoying him a great deal as well. How fun to be 14 and carefree, it must be a good life. I am happy he's got the opportunities to do so!

I watched the cheesiest movie ever, I always think I'm going to get into chick flicks...and then am so sadly disappointed by the quality that I end up turning it off before I even get through it. Maybe I'm just a little cynical at the moment...I don't know. But, love isn't like what is portrayed in your typical chick movie. Come on! No wonder everyone is so confused with messages like that, can we PLEASE stop propagating the fairy tale bullshit and get real with love is really like? Let's talk about the patience and commitment and two parties who are able to be less selfish then the other when the time is needed and how much energy and time and work goes in to relationships? Anyone ever see "The Story Of Us?" That movie is slightly more realistic I think.

I spoke with my cousin Kenari, good to hear her voice. She's a good girl. Tried to call my aunty MB but I figured she was probably gallivanting about in a forest some where, breathing in the cool moist Washington sea air and observing life in it's infinite pattern of change and glory.

Colleen invited me over, I had thought Matt, Helen and I were getting together but it turned out Helen had a rough week and opted to stay in. Understandable, so I headed over to Colleens and spent the remainder of the evening giggling, laughing and eating. Came home late, slept well again!

Sunday:
Slept in, walked the puppy wuppy before it got to HOT...did I mention it's hot here? I mean wickedly hot, like not safe to be outside kind of hot. I have the AC on at home for the animals today, it's such a waste of money and terribly for the environment so I avoid it. Plus, ours isn't the most efficient. There's a leak somewhere in the piping so it makes it a little less than useful. But, it gets the job done when it's really hell-fire hot.

Watched Sopranos all day, ate more peanut butter, napped. Chance called, which again ended with me in tears and feeling like a fool after all was said and done, but that's the law of this land from what I can tell right now. We all have good and bad days I guess.

I thought about Crystal and Dane a lot this weekend. Feeling joyful for their progress and excited about the details from their trip. And sad that I can't be there right now. It doesn't seem fair to me some days, that all my plans have to be readjusted b/c of this shift in my life...but I guess that's how it works. I thought alot about the various relationships in my life, how things have changed and grown and that the entire direction of my life is pointing toward me living for me at the moment and how gratifying that is. I thought about the sense of sadness that I still feel and disappointment and how it's still there, but is dissipating slowly. I also thought that the pain will fade and I will be me again at some point and Chance will be a memory. I'll be able to know the lesson from this time with him will have been beneficial, we will have both learned something and taken that with us to the next phase. I then cried my eyes out over a wedding scene on The Sopranos and thought it was time for me to put all this love stuff on the back burner for the rest of the day.

Didn't sleep so well Sunday night, too hot. Kasha was restless and making weird noises and Gaia kept mewling for me to get up and turn the water on in her bathroom sink. And then I had to get up and turn it off. She must have a really good laugh at my expense. Freaking brat cat. I keep trying to remove that tiara from her magnificent little head, however she is pretty protective of it so I don't care to risk a swatting and possible blood loss over it. Gaia should watch her back though, Kasha is preparing herself for a fierce battle of who will rule in The House Of Mango's. While Gaia has maintained the coveted tiara for some time, Kasha is gaining points. It's really quite silly, this competition between them. Kasha thinks she is a cat and Gaia KNOWs she's a cat, so I don't get it? Oh well. Pumpkin and I (The House Of Mango's resident bitches) just roll our eyes and sigh. Silly baby tree fruits!