Finally joined MySpace, not b/c I am ready to join that chaos yet (no offense MySpacers, I just do not have the energy for that yet`) but b/c I wanted to see the Amsterdam pics from Crys's blogg. Which are, at the very least, what I expected and I'm am extremely happy to see two of the most awesome chicks on the planet having a great time over sea's.
Curiosity overcame me and I began browsing the profiles of Cry's friends on MySpace. I knew a few of them, but most I didn't. So, I only visited the ones I knew, is it bad form to creep unto someone elses blogg and view other people's profiles? I don't know, on this blogg site...it seems far less intense, less...personal I guess. MySpace is pretty darn detailed, I mean you know everything about that person that they wish to share and there's A LOT of sharing going on.
Anyway....back to topic. I was happy to see Snowman, BlakePhotography & RAGE's sites all listed. I am really happy that Sean B pursued his photography career in Houston, he's a pretty talented guy. Snowman and I touch base periodically, so it's good to see him happy as ever and RAGE seems to be doing well also in Houston and that is happy news to my ears. I like hearing that the people from my past are happy and doing well...as well as can be described in a blogg I suppose. For me, there is something satisfying about knowing we are all growing...that life is progressing.
So, as I'm surfing various blog sites...reading through Crys's more indepthly and everyone elses as much as I felt comfortable doing so...and I see all these unique, exciting and eventful lives out there. I suddenly had a thought. My daily life...well it seems pretty uneventful and almost painfully routine and montonous.
Wonderful things happen, Aunties come to visit, Max's gain wisdoms, Mango's go to Mexico for one of her best friends weddings and C's Mom comes to visit. Some nights at home are lovely and warm and full of compassion and love.
I am not complaining, I certainly do have a great life. But as I surfed random bloggs and read through the hobbies, events of each respective bloggers details...I sort of realized that my entire life seems almost totally focused around the men, the house and my job. Of course, I choose the things as priorities and choose them willingly and happily.
But the slow realization that something within me is not being fullfilled by my current situation is creeping to the forefront at ever quicker pace. I also now realize that I've been blaming this lack of...personal direction (?)....on everything from Chance, to Max, to my work or my weight or some random flu...blah blah...blah. You get the point...blaming this lack of 'something' in my life on everyone else is so much easier than taking responsibility for it myself.
Wow. duh. The fundamental roots of so much of what I've practiced and believe in subscribes to the concept that we are responsible for our own happiness, that we create it and live it each day.
Seems I have definately lost focus of that whole idea and for that, I feel like a completel fool. I've been doing this now for quite a while and I suspect it is after we moved into the house. I had this fantasy dreamland of what life in the new house would be like. With Chance and Max, and a dog and so many things I always wanted to do with my living space. I began claiming all of my sources of happiness from external places, from external people, external things....from somewhere else entirely and not me at all. This is not to say that this current situation isn't a powerful one, b/c it is...but I won't deny that I've felt myself feel very let down a few different times in the past year and a half. And very frankly, by Chance and Max. But, I'm getting it here right now...that I've placed so much of my happiness in the hands of these two people and my work and my home and whatever else might make me happy for a brief moment...that I've left little room for me to create my own happiness and goodness for myself. And how, is it even possible, for either of the boys to live up to my very high expectations if I cannot even create what I expect of them for myself?
So, today I had a moment in time in which I was able to see something bigger than somebodies blogg or a picture of someone next to their Jeep out on a trail. I saw that I am not living my true happiness every day, I am not living in a place where I seeking my passion and making it happen, I have lost myself some where and I miss her. I miss her a lot and I am sad for that girl who worked so hard to figure out who she was, and here she is again....lost and feeling a little without direction. And so the journey begins again, another process of trying to find her passion again and live it.
I'm not even sure where to start....
3 comments:
What is your passion????
dunno yet....working on it tho
OMG - so many things to comment on...
1. It is totally acceptable to blog stalk on MySpace, albeit that's what it is for.
2. When you say RAGE, do you mean Drew or Dave? Did you find Big Dave?
3. Did you see Isis's father is one of my "friends" ~pursed lips~
4. Send me a msg so I can add you as my friend. :-)
5. I totally know what you mean about surfing blogs and then feeling like you aren't "measuring up" (though I'm not sure that's the right verbaige to use). I did that to my own blog one time, I read through my stuff to see what I was doing a year ago (I like to do that a lot) and I discovered a happier, more youthful Crystal (in fact, if you flip to April 05 and then April 06 you will see my very post about this topic) and then went through a drama wondering how I could get back to "me". You should find that blog because a very wise individual had a very comforting comment in my time of need. Go to April 2006, "What's Happening to Me" :-)
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