I Am Not The Maid

If it spilled, dripped, dropped or made crumblies all over.....
Wipe it up.

If you trip, kick or fall over it.....
Pick it up and put it where it goes.

If it is used to eat or drink out of or from.....
Make an attempt to get it near the KITCHEN sink.

I don't care if it's not your mess.....PICK IT UP!
Do you think I scrub the bathtubs and toilet's after your stinky butts for the sheer joy of it?

It is not necessary to touch every surface as you walk by it....
Your hands are filthy, please keep them to yourself.

Contrary to popular belief, wet towels do not belong on the bed or the floor....
They have a home, in the bathroom where they go to dry and regenerate themselves
for the next time they are used to wipe down your sweaty, dirty bodies.

Recently science has discovered a useful tool devised and utilized by prehistoric man when transporting garments to be washed...
It's called a LAUNDRY BASKET.

When you leave a room....
Turn the light off. We are facing an energy crisis people!

FLUSH THE FREAKING TOILET. Please, please....for petesake...flush the toilet.
As an added bonus, you can wash your hands too! Wooopppppppeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

The refrigerator is intended to keep foods cool for long term use...
Not as a receptacle for empty cartons or half eaten apples sitting on a shelf.

Everyone has very busy lives, with demanding schedules and daily routines that require everyone to be on task....
You are not the only one and you too, must make the time to contribute to the household.

If something needs to be done....
Don't waste everyone's valuable time complaining or procrastinating, JUST FREAKING DO IT!
Seriously...that's it, JUST DO IT.
Very simple.

And finally....

I am not the maid.

This is a difficult concept for many of you to understand because things just magically 'get done.' Guess what little darlings? How do you think that happens? It certainly is not by osmosis, it is through the extremely dried out and weary hands, back, knees, ankles and wrists of your truly.

I hate to disappoint, but I was NOT put on this planet to spend the entirety of my free time cleaning, tidying, scrubbing, mopping, sweeping, washing, disinfecting and laundering after you fine fella's. Say it ain't so, I know I know....but I am quite certain I have meaning other than to be on call for you....so suck it up little campers or else big Momma's gonna have a melt down. Please consider the following:

I too, work.
FULL TIME.

I too, have demands outside of work.
FULL TIME.

I play taxicab, banker/ATM machine & accountant, doer and be-er of all things to all people who need me.

I am not a martyr, I'm just not the maid. Millions of women face this same issue and it's total bullshit if you ask me. Sorry, I can't just lie down and pretend like it's ok that our cuture still propegates the idea that men are men and women are handy little bitch-slaves. NO THANKS. This is also not to disrespect the hard working industry that keeps people who can afford it in a clean home. CHEERS TO YOU. But at home, I'm not the maid. sorry!

You can pick up after yourself, you can..I PROMISE! A little effort goes a long way. Please take this under consideration and act accordingly. Otherwise, ye shall see a sharp decline in pleasant and accommodating attitude and an equally sharp INCLINE of 'do it your damn self' and the clear, but undeniable shape of my middle finger. I love you men very much, but let me please let me remind you once more in case your short term memory problems are prohibiting my message from coming through loud and clear....

I AM NOT THE MAID.