Too Tired...

I'm too tired to post what I want to post in detail, but I do want to clarify that my post from yesterday was very emotional and I was definitely not in a good place when I wrote it. I DO love my family, I adore my home and I *think* we are continuing to grow.

There are some things that could be a lot better, that's for sure. Max could straighten up a little and stop making these choices that seem to stem from no where, Chance could perhaps take a little more time to make me feel like I am worth something to him and I, I could probably stop taking everything so personally and falling apart when my feelings are hurt. I could also probably do a lot more to care for myself and expect others to do it for me, because we all know that's not how it works when you are a mom/partner.

It is possible that my bottom line is just this: Sometimes I want someone to take care of me.

Sometimes I don't want to have to make all the decisions. Sometimes I get tired of doing all of it without so much as a thank you. Sometimes I want my boyfriend to do something nice for me and make an effort to let me know I am important to him. Sometimes I want my son to just clean his room without fighting me over it every single time. Sometimes I want someone to love me the way that I want to be loved.

With so much going on in the world, I feel like our unit needs to be tight and have each others backs. Life is too short for all this nonsense, people not respecting each other and giving to one another, following up with their obligations and taking advantage of one another. It's just not cool.

I think happiness and success is possible, but I'm not sure what needs to happen next to make it so that everyone is happy, feeling fulfilled and thriving in our current situation. As it stands now, I am feeling a little puny and fragile about the whole thing and that is not a very comfortable place for me to be. My 'girl-power' fuel is at a dangerous low. Refuel is desperately needed.

In the interim, I feel like I have to be the model for loving and respecting one another and at least I can start there. I'm not always good at it either, but I try.

Max is a great kid and he means the world to me, he's going to screw up sometimes and I can deal with and I am allowed to feel disappointed with him about it. How else will he learn that his actions affect others? But he knows I love him, no matter what.

Chance has so many unique qualities, all of which I greatly respect and appreciate. Neither of us is perfect, neither of us know exactly what we are doing here and neither of us knows how to share very well. It's ok for me to feel the way I feel about the things that aren't working for me and it's ok for me to voice them to him (he certainly does!) what he does with them from their are his choices.

Sometimes I just get tired, emotionally spent from the whole thing.

I also feel like I could use a good nap. Where is my pillow and blankie....