When It's Hard Not To Feel Dissapointement.....

He promised the lawn would get mowed this weekend so I could plant my flowers. I've been asking for 3 weeks. I thought it was getting done Saturday, I even heard him and Max out there starting it up and making sure everything worked. But then he dissapeared with Andy and came home and cooked up a mess in the kitchen the size of Alaska. Every dish, piece of silverware and glass was used. Every surface, including the floor, was totally covered in something. It took me until today to get it cleaned up totally.

Sunday, suddenly the fact that we had to drive to Fort Collins for Max's soccer game (that he promised to come to and take pictures) was 'not something I told him' and he insisted that I did not explain this to him advance and he definately could not attend because he had to go to school to do homework. Because he didn't go on Saturday.

I took the day off today, called up Kristen and we worked on the yard ourselves. I had called him at lunch because I couldn't figure the lawn mower out (there are several tempermental aspects to the hand me down lawn mower we have, it works just fine, you just have to know how thump it in the right spot) and he offered to come home and mow the lawn at lunch. I thought, wow, that's sweet! Cool. Apparently I misunderstood, I seem to do that a lot. One of us does, that's for sure. He left in a huff, I sat and cried. Feeling abandoned and really hurt because I feel really left in the lurch with the house and all the things we are supposed to be doing 'together' and then, I just got pissed. What would 'Single Sarah' do? She wouldn't sit around and wait for a man to help her, that's for damn sure.

Kristen showed up, saw that I was upset and gave me a little friendly pep talk and a gentle kick in the butt. I wiped my eyes, brushed it off and had the best afternoon I've had in along time. Kristen is the only friend I have in the world that would devote herself, her time and her energy to helping me with something that I should know how to do and should seem simple, but I just couldn't seem to get there on my own. She would and will and does do this without making me feel like an ass and she basically saved me this afternoon. Those kind of friends do not come along often in a lifetime, that is for certain.

My yard looks beautiful, I have so many idea's and now that I can see the therapuetic value of being so close to earth in this way and see the fruits of my efforts, I know it will become a passion. Thank you Kristen, quite honestly, you are one of the only people who has never let me down. I love you for that, but mostly I love you because you are you.

As we worked on the yard, Max called and informed me that he was at Ms. Barry's working on Language Arts. You see, Ms. Barry has offered to tutor Max on Monday's after school from 2 - 3 PM. For free. On her own time. And Max has agreed to go every week for the remainder of the year.

When Max called today, a conversation ensued that instantly led me to believe that our man was lying to his Momma. Didn't take long for me to dig out the truth. Instead of going to tutoring, he's been hanging out with a bunch of other kids over at his friends house for an hour and pretending he's been going to tutoring. I soon realized that Max has been pulling this for about 3 weeks now and lying, ever so sweetly, right to my face. Kids do this, it is a test. But I am really dissapointed in him. I really thought he was making some progress and I see that he has made some choices (not only this one unfortunately) recently that are indicating that Max's direction is not exactly as on target as he is leading others to believe. I am dissapointed that he lied to me, so boldly and had a little story and everything all made up. Lying is one of my biggest pet peaves in life, especially if it is premeditated. I am dissapointed in him for pulling a guilt trip on me when I called him out on what he'd done and making ME feel like the bad guy, I'm dissapointed that he never ever mutters an apology or seems to show much remorse when he does these things. I am dissapointed that he seems so comfortable with deceit. I told him these things too, not to make him feel bad but because it is the truth. This child is constantly begging for me freedom, but he pulls these things and then I must withdraw his freedoms even more.

I really get tired of being the bad guy.

I am cast as 'unsupportive' when I ask for help because, I just can't do it all by myself and he's got school and work and a motorcycle now. I'm sitting there going...hrm, ok. Well, that's great...but this, this 'thing' we are doing, it requires your presence, energy, patience and devotion. My needs, wants and desires seem to have little bearing on anything. I am learning quickly that I can do all of this myself and I've been fairly successfull in doing so in the past and I'm not afraid...but I guess I'd just hoped for more. I am sad that I feel this way about him today, disapointed, let down....like I am sacrificing and giving and loving and it's going no where. That sure can make a girl feel worthless and miserable and I promised myself a man would never make me feel that way again.

Perhaps I expect to much, I don't know. I feel pretty deserving of honesty, that's for sure and I definately don't think it's entirely fair for me to manage the entire house, in all ways on my own with little to no assistance at all just because Chance is in school. I pretty much feel totally on my own in all ways at this point, except he does live here and makes more messes for me to clean up. Other than that, I don't feel much like a couple lately. But what I do know for sure is that at this point, for this very moment...the two men I adore have really bottomed out my list and I don't feel bad for saying so.

What does one do when they feel dissapointed? I'm not into moping or pouting, it just makes me depressed and irritable and it's not particularly pro active. My words seldom have much effect on either of them unfortunately, I express myself quite a lot and I'm thinking they've reached the point of tuning me out completely, which of course infuriates me. Confrontation on issues in this house go one of two ways a) The confrontee becomes smug and complacent and says things like "Sure" or "Whatever." b) The confrontee becomes overly aggressive and attacks, pulls guilt trips or attempts to evade the topic all together.

We are such healthy communicators here and this isn't just the guys, I have my moments I assure you. Though, I am into talking things out...I really just can't handle it any other way because communicating is a strength of mine and I essentially expect it from the people in my life, I expect at the very least that we sit and try to talk about it...I think they'd be happy just pretending like everything is fine and dandy until the cows came home. As long as I'm not the one making waves and talking openly about what I see, everything is just fine.

This stuff may seem petty to an outsider, however, it grates on ones nerves eventually to be taken advantage of, lied to and disrespected. I also don't leave things sitting under the surface just because that is easier. Not for very long at least.

What I can't figure out is what I've done to let either one of them think it is ok to act like this toward me? All I can think of is that I'm just too 'nice' and I'm not always that nice.

That and maybe it's just not personal. I find alot of males to be extremelely self-serving, selfish, inconsiderate and totally incapable of seeing much outside of their initial satisfaction. (In a perfect world, I wouldn't be saying this based on gender...but I can't help it, I'm sorry. I see it with a large majority of families in my life, with only a few exceptions.) It's very possible that I've some how messed up and let my boys think it's ok to act like that in my home.

I've recently realized that I can be a pretty accomodating person, I like giving to people and making them happy. I like taking care of the people I love. I'd do more if I could, but I only have two hands. If nothing else, by the very fact that if something isn't getting done...I'll just do it b/c I don't have the energy, patience or time to sit around and wait for others. I get it that I probably don't make the guys accountable enough and that's probably why they take advantage of me. But I'm getting pretty damn sick of it, I have to tell you.

I do not want a life time of serving people who cannot, or will not, appreciate me. I just can't do it. It's not what I came here to do. I didn't come here to SERVE anyone, I came here to love and be loved and try to do something in this life time that means something.

ARGH

I think I'll just go play with the worms in my garden and pitch a tent in my grass and let the boys get their heads out of their asses. Then we can talk.