Last night, through many emails and teary conversations later with Chance, it dawned on me that I've been a might bit unfair with the big man. Not totally now, I mean he does need to figure out how to not neglect the Mango b/c an unhappy Mango is a very sad (and thus uncooperative and likely to burst) Mango. But I did sort of get it that between my emotional state these past several days, my own work/life/mom demands and the fact that my guy is basically MIA these days...I pretty much lost in on Monday. Apologies are in order, but only for the degree to which I lost my self control b/c for all the hype....I do have way too much on my plate and so does Chance and we have to find a sustainable solution.
Consider this:
C's week goes something like this:
Wed - School from 12:30 - 10 PM
M, T, Th & F work 9 - 10 hours to make up for school hours on Wed
Sat/Sun homework which includes photographing various locations, developing film, studying for tests/papers, research etc....
Lately, he's also been having to do homework after work Mon/Tues until 10 or 11 pm
My week goes something like this:
M & W Max has tutoring and soccer
Tuesday we have therapy
Thursday Max has soccer
Games usually on the weekend
In between all this cleaning, cooking, shopping, homework, Max, yard work, bills, house upkeep, etc....etc...dr. appointments etc...OH yeah and work from 7 - 3:30.
This generally leaves us Sunday, maybe....to even SEE each other at this point. Mostly, I see him when he comes to kiss me goodnight when he gets home. Load all this unto a Mango who only has two hands, a 14 year old who wants to test everything and only so much patience to go around and BLAMMMMMMMMMO.
The solution to this issue has not yet presented itself. I am sort of faced with the challenge of accepting that I am responsible for every aspect of our home and all things with no support until Chance is out of school (at least the next 3 years) and basically having an invisible boyfriend, but supporting him in the process and laying the foundation of consistency and comfort so he can pursue his academic goals with the idea in mind that it will then be my turn when Max is out of high school?
Or. Not. Meaning, I can accept this or not. That's the tricky part you see because I don't think C realized how this project of his would take over his life when he got involved, though I did to some extent but kept my mouth shut as much as possible.
Hrm, many things to ponder. The obvious answer to me would be that of course I plan to support Chance, I love him, I am invested in and this is probably the first real, grown up relationship I've had and I am pretty sure that means you sometimes have to take one for the team and support your partner, even when it's hard and not at all convenient. Certainly Chance is worth it and though he can be a selfish weenie boy sometimes, he too is learning that love is not always easy and requires some effort on his part.
However, my own selfish voices say "Why should I?" Essentially, this means that I am putting my ass out on the line for this guy, making his life comfortable while he is out pursuing his dream and you know what that means? I am leaving myself wide open to get burned, hurt or otherwise traumatized. Nope, that doesn't sound like much of a plan.
But it is possible, that Chance isn't going to turn into that guy I've known before. You know, the one who takes everything and leaves you wondering what the hell happened? It is possible that my supporting him through this transition is not only the right thing to do because I am his partner and I would expect the same, but also because ultimately....his education could greatly benefit us both in the long run. Monetary reasons aside, the possibilities involved with this are essentially limitless and when we do have time to talk about this sort of thing, we talk alot about what could happen and where we could go together in this journey have he's out of school.
What I am seeing is that I have some fears here....fears of giving more, fears of doing so and being abandoned, fears of letting myself put myself out for a man (gasp!) and mostly...just making myself so emotionally vulnerable in regards to something that is now, so totally intangible.
Life never, ever ceases to be interesting!
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