Finally joined MySpace, not b/c I am ready to join that chaos yet (no offense MySpacers, I just do not have the energy for that yet`) but b/c I wanted to see the Amsterdam pics from Crys's blogg. Which are, at the very least, what I expected and I'm am extremely happy to see two of the most awesome chicks on the planet having a great time over sea's.
Curiosity overcame me and I began browsing the profiles of Cry's friends on MySpace. I knew a few of them, but most I didn't. So, I only visited the ones I knew, is it bad form to creep unto someone elses blogg and view other people's profiles? I don't know, on this blogg site...it seems far less intense, less...personal I guess. MySpace is pretty darn detailed, I mean you know everything about that person that they wish to share and there's A LOT of sharing going on.
Anyway....back to topic. I was happy to see Snowman, BlakePhotography & RAGE's sites all listed. I am really happy that Sean B pursued his photography career in Houston, he's a pretty talented guy. Snowman and I touch base periodically, so it's good to see him happy as ever and RAGE seems to be doing well also in Houston and that is happy news to my ears. I like hearing that the people from my past are happy and doing well...as well as can be described in a blogg I suppose. For me, there is something satisfying about knowing we are all growing...that life is progressing.
So, as I'm surfing various blog sites...reading through Crys's more indepthly and everyone elses as much as I felt comfortable doing so...and I see all these unique, exciting and eventful lives out there. I suddenly had a thought. My daily life...well it seems pretty uneventful and almost painfully routine and montonous.
Wonderful things happen, Aunties come to visit, Max's gain wisdoms, Mango's go to Mexico for one of her best friends weddings and C's Mom comes to visit. Some nights at home are lovely and warm and full of compassion and love.
I am not complaining, I certainly do have a great life. But as I surfed random bloggs and read through the hobbies, events of each respective bloggers details...I sort of realized that my entire life seems almost totally focused around the men, the house and my job. Of course, I choose the things as priorities and choose them willingly and happily.
But the slow realization that something within me is not being fullfilled by my current situation is creeping to the forefront at ever quicker pace. I also now realize that I've been blaming this lack of...personal direction (?)....on everything from Chance, to Max, to my work or my weight or some random flu...blah blah...blah. You get the point...blaming this lack of 'something' in my life on everyone else is so much easier than taking responsibility for it myself.
Wow. duh. The fundamental roots of so much of what I've practiced and believe in subscribes to the concept that we are responsible for our own happiness, that we create it and live it each day.
Seems I have definately lost focus of that whole idea and for that, I feel like a completel fool. I've been doing this now for quite a while and I suspect it is after we moved into the house. I had this fantasy dreamland of what life in the new house would be like. With Chance and Max, and a dog and so many things I always wanted to do with my living space. I began claiming all of my sources of happiness from external places, from external people, external things....from somewhere else entirely and not me at all. This is not to say that this current situation isn't a powerful one, b/c it is...but I won't deny that I've felt myself feel very let down a few different times in the past year and a half. And very frankly, by Chance and Max. But, I'm getting it here right now...that I've placed so much of my happiness in the hands of these two people and my work and my home and whatever else might make me happy for a brief moment...that I've left little room for me to create my own happiness and goodness for myself. And how, is it even possible, for either of the boys to live up to my very high expectations if I cannot even create what I expect of them for myself?
So, today I had a moment in time in which I was able to see something bigger than somebodies blogg or a picture of someone next to their Jeep out on a trail. I saw that I am not living my true happiness every day, I am not living in a place where I seeking my passion and making it happen, I have lost myself some where and I miss her. I miss her a lot and I am sad for that girl who worked so hard to figure out who she was, and here she is again....lost and feeling a little without direction. And so the journey begins again, another process of trying to find her passion again and live it.
I'm not even sure where to start....
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Look, it FINALLY happened...
A web site, totally focused and in honor of...MEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Besides this one of course....
Mad 4 Mango
It's good to know I am loved!
There are all sorts of other sites, Mango Madness and Mango The King (They meant QUEEN!) of Fruit. But they are both not exactly family friendly, so I'll just cut to the point and that is....be sure to include alot of Mango's in your diet. Not only are they the cutest little tree fruits you ever did see...but they are good for you too! Go figure? In one mango you will find a ton of Potassium and Vitamin A/C and a whole bunch of Folate. Low in cals, a little high in sugar (anything worth eating has a little too much sugar in it, so ignore that part) and a good dose of fiber. Just be careful when you are choosing your mangos, not to squeeze them to firmly...they tend to bruise easily and once bruised, they are not particularly responsive and become prickly and abbrasive. Also, you don't want to go over board and eat to many, there are plenty to go around but if too many mangos are consumed, there could be a shortage and no one wants that!
Happy Mango hunting!
Mad 4 Mango
It's good to know I am loved!
There are all sorts of other sites, Mango Madness and Mango The King (They meant QUEEN!) of Fruit. But they are both not exactly family friendly, so I'll just cut to the point and that is....be sure to include alot of Mango's in your diet. Not only are they the cutest little tree fruits you ever did see...but they are good for you too! Go figure? In one mango you will find a ton of Potassium and Vitamin A/C and a whole bunch of Folate. Low in cals, a little high in sugar (anything worth eating has a little too much sugar in it, so ignore that part) and a good dose of fiber. Just be careful when you are choosing your mangos, not to squeeze them to firmly...they tend to bruise easily and once bruised, they are not particularly responsive and become prickly and abbrasive. Also, you don't want to go over board and eat to many, there are plenty to go around but if too many mangos are consumed, there could be a shortage and no one wants that!
Happy Mango hunting!
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Max's Summer
Sent this email out this morning...Max's schedule will be keeping him busy, but...I think he has a fun summmer ahead...
***************************************************
Hello All,
I am sending this email out to several folks based on what has been planned thus far for Max's summer 2007. Some of the dates are negotiable of course, but I am trying to firm up things like travel plans and dates in which he'll be working with his most excellent math tutor and other support services he is receiving.
Please review the following and respond with any questions or comments regarding plans that pertain to you. Thanks to you all for your support, dedication and love in helping this kiddo get on track. Here's to a positive and healthy start to High School in August 2007!
Warmest Regards,
Sarah
Wednesday, May 23rd:
Last day with Linda until August 13th
Tuesday, May 29th:
Elitches w/ School
Wednesday, May 30th:
8th Grade Continuation
7PM - Wheat Ridge High School
Friday, June 1st:
Last Day Of School
Tuesday, June 5th:
Register for summer school
Tuesday, June 12th:
Last visit with Georgia until August 14th.
Wednesday, June 6th - June 26th:
Summer School: 8 - 11 AM
Oberon Middle School http://jeffcoweb.jeffco.k12.co.us/profiles/map/middle/oberon.html
Thursday, June 27th - Approximately July 27th (Ticket will be open ended)
TN with Grandparents
Soccer Camp Fits in here somewhere....
Details to come....
Monday, August 8th
Register/Pictures for High School
Monday, August 13th
M/W with Linda Mathews
Tuesday, August 14thResume visits with Georgia, 2x/month
Tuesday, August 22nd
Freshmen Report to High School (8 am - 12 am)
***************************************************
Hello All,
I am sending this email out to several folks based on what has been planned thus far for Max's summer 2007. Some of the dates are negotiable of course, but I am trying to firm up things like travel plans and dates in which he'll be working with his most excellent math tutor and other support services he is receiving.
Please review the following and respond with any questions or comments regarding plans that pertain to you. Thanks to you all for your support, dedication and love in helping this kiddo get on track. Here's to a positive and healthy start to High School in August 2007!
Warmest Regards,
Sarah
Wednesday, May 23rd:
Last day with Linda until August 13th
Tuesday, May 29th:
Elitches w/ School
Wednesday, May 30th:
8th Grade Continuation
7PM - Wheat Ridge High School
Friday, June 1st:
Last Day Of School
Tuesday, June 5th:
Register for summer school
Tuesday, June 12th:
Last visit with Georgia until August 14th.
Wednesday, June 6th - June 26th:
Summer School: 8 - 11 AM
Oberon Middle School http://jeffcoweb.jeffco.k12.co.us/profiles/map/middle/oberon.html
Thursday, June 27th - Approximately July 27th (Ticket will be open ended)
TN with Grandparents
Soccer Camp Fits in here somewhere....
Details to come....
Monday, August 8th
Register/Pictures for High School
Monday, August 13th
M/W with Linda Mathews
Tuesday, August 14thResume visits with Georgia, 2x/month
Tuesday, August 22nd
Freshmen Report to High School (8 am - 12 am)
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Guess Who's Coming To Dinner?
Guess who were the only 'guest speakers' who attended Max's career day at school? Yep, you guessed it...all facets of the military. Army, Navy, Marines. Almost every other group that signed up to participate didn't show. Hm, that's strange.
Max came home complete with a "Go Army 2007" yellow wrist band, pamphlets, a head full of idea's (lies) about where he'd be 'stationed' if he signed up and completed boot camp AND an itemized list of all the 'perks' he would receive directly from the military. Including, the infamous GI Bill (which now doesn't pay enough for a kid to go to community college in Colorado), housing for his family (this is a good thing, I agree...except I've heard some pretty interesting stories about the conditions of military housing in the past 10 years) and spending money ($150 a week?) so he can purchase his own clothes and cd's (amongst a myriad of other items the recruiter used to appeal to a 14 year old.)
argh.
Then I read THIS!
http://www.alternet.org/story/51889/
Please do not mistake my disgust with recruitment practices with lack of support for these kids or as a disrespect for the thousands of veterans who served with honor and pride. That is in no way my intention and I mean no disrespect.
But, my son isn't going to this war and I'll be damned if someone with clearly less than ethical 'business' practice's is going to come to his school and somehow pollute his mind about the 'benefits' he'll receive he signs up. Benefits for vets is a thing of the past, these kids aren't receiving 'benefits.' They ARE receiving a shit load of mixed messages, zero mental heal support services upon returning home and minimal physical treatment for injuries.
I get that this has been going on now for years, but....it finally hit home and the gall of those bastards to come and try to encourage an innocent, naive young person to enlist in a military fighting an illegal war.
Not my kid buddy. Not Anyone's kid. No way.
Beat it, scram. You are not wanted here.
Joining the military should be voluntary, better yet...if you join the military, you should have the choice about whether you want to fight in a war like this. You certainly should NOT be harangued and deceived into joining. There is nothing, at all, even remotely ethical about that.
EFFERS!
Max came home complete with a "Go Army 2007" yellow wrist band, pamphlets, a head full of idea's (lies) about where he'd be 'stationed' if he signed up and completed boot camp AND an itemized list of all the 'perks' he would receive directly from the military. Including, the infamous GI Bill (which now doesn't pay enough for a kid to go to community college in Colorado), housing for his family (this is a good thing, I agree...except I've heard some pretty interesting stories about the conditions of military housing in the past 10 years) and spending money ($150 a week?) so he can purchase his own clothes and cd's (amongst a myriad of other items the recruiter used to appeal to a 14 year old.)
argh.
Then I read THIS!
http://www.alternet.org/story/51889/
Please do not mistake my disgust with recruitment practices with lack of support for these kids or as a disrespect for the thousands of veterans who served with honor and pride. That is in no way my intention and I mean no disrespect.
But, my son isn't going to this war and I'll be damned if someone with clearly less than ethical 'business' practice's is going to come to his school and somehow pollute his mind about the 'benefits' he'll receive he signs up. Benefits for vets is a thing of the past, these kids aren't receiving 'benefits.' They ARE receiving a shit load of mixed messages, zero mental heal support services upon returning home and minimal physical treatment for injuries.
I get that this has been going on now for years, but....it finally hit home and the gall of those bastards to come and try to encourage an innocent, naive young person to enlist in a military fighting an illegal war.
Not my kid buddy. Not Anyone's kid. No way.
Beat it, scram. You are not wanted here.
Joining the military should be voluntary, better yet...if you join the military, you should have the choice about whether you want to fight in a war like this. You certainly should NOT be harangued and deceived into joining. There is nothing, at all, even remotely ethical about that.
EFFERS!
Monday, May 21, 2007
Busy Week Ahead
The week ahead promises to be as busy as the past several, don't expect to see much of me on blogger as between work, Maxter's after school schedule and the standard keeping up the house and what not will be leaving me with little time for much else.
The good news? Mj will be out of soccer at the end of this week. A few make up games remain and a tournament in June, but otherwise, the bulk of it is over for Spring Soccer and as always, it comes with a small sigh of relief. I enjoy the games and the team atmosphere, but I won't lie and say that the getting him to and fro practice 3x a week is something I look forward to each season:)
Max is out of school June 1st. June 6 - 26th he attends summer school. June 28th he leaves for TN and returns the first week in August. On June 30th I leave for Cabos! Whoa Mommma! I already feel nuts just thinking about all that!
Clients are already panicking about the fact that I'll be gone that 1st week in July but I am being firm about it. I am panicking a little about the money involved, but I feel like I need this. Not only for Crys & Dane but for me too, I plan to use that time to reflect a little on some pending emotional issues.
This past weekend was pretty good, mowed the lawn, spent Saturday carting the boys around, slept a little. I'm still tired though, looking forward to this long weekend coming up. We had planned to go camping Memorial Day, but C has big projects due the following week so him going is out of the question and neither of us can afford it ($45 to fill up my car this past week, woo hoo!), so even if I wanted to go without him, I really can't. Besides, I don't really want to be away from Max that whole weekend and it is not something I can take him too, so that's that. I suspect everyone will have fun regardless of our involvement, I doubt highly I will be missed in this case, that's for sure.
Off to work for me...crazy week, better stop procrastinating.
Oh, we watched "Bobby" last night...it was a fantastic movie, not at all what I expected and I would recommend it to anyway.
peace
xo
s
The good news? Mj will be out of soccer at the end of this week. A few make up games remain and a tournament in June, but otherwise, the bulk of it is over for Spring Soccer and as always, it comes with a small sigh of relief. I enjoy the games and the team atmosphere, but I won't lie and say that the getting him to and fro practice 3x a week is something I look forward to each season:)
Max is out of school June 1st. June 6 - 26th he attends summer school. June 28th he leaves for TN and returns the first week in August. On June 30th I leave for Cabos! Whoa Mommma! I already feel nuts just thinking about all that!
Clients are already panicking about the fact that I'll be gone that 1st week in July but I am being firm about it. I am panicking a little about the money involved, but I feel like I need this. Not only for Crys & Dane but for me too, I plan to use that time to reflect a little on some pending emotional issues.
This past weekend was pretty good, mowed the lawn, spent Saturday carting the boys around, slept a little. I'm still tired though, looking forward to this long weekend coming up. We had planned to go camping Memorial Day, but C has big projects due the following week so him going is out of the question and neither of us can afford it ($45 to fill up my car this past week, woo hoo!), so even if I wanted to go without him, I really can't. Besides, I don't really want to be away from Max that whole weekend and it is not something I can take him too, so that's that. I suspect everyone will have fun regardless of our involvement, I doubt highly I will be missed in this case, that's for sure.
Off to work for me...crazy week, better stop procrastinating.
Oh, we watched "Bobby" last night...it was a fantastic movie, not at all what I expected and I would recommend it to anyway.
peace
xo
s
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
HA
Where are we going and why am I in this handbasket?
I am the Queen. Why? Because my pantyhose say so.
Buckle up. It makes it harder for the aliens to snatch you from your car.
If you drink like a fish. Drink what a fish drinks.
If all is not lost, where is it.
I only do what my Rice Crispies tell me to do.
If I has two dead mice, Id give you one.
Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and it annoys the pig.
Everything is okay in the end. If its not, then its not the end.
You cant have everything. Where would you put it.
If you dont want cat hair on your clothes then stay off the furniture.
I am the Queen. Why? Because my pantyhose say so.
Buckle up. It makes it harder for the aliens to snatch you from your car.
If you drink like a fish. Drink what a fish drinks.
If all is not lost, where is it.
I only do what my Rice Crispies tell me to do.
If I has two dead mice, Id give you one.
Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and it annoys the pig.
Everything is okay in the end. If its not, then its not the end.
You cant have everything. Where would you put it.
If you dont want cat hair on your clothes then stay off the furniture.
Server Down, Server Down!
yargh. servers are down at work today, intermittantly...it's like opening a present only to have the box lid slam down on you again right as you peak in.
i have internet. i don't have internet.
i have email. i don't have email.
i can access the sql server....whooops, no you can't!
and so on and so forth.
what a lovely day it would be to go clean my house, but instead i must stay and play FreeCell in between it all.
obviously i hvae connection at the moment but i won't count on it for too long.
lessee here....Jerry Falwell passed away today. I wonder how many gay, liberal, feminist and Teletubbies he'll meet on the other side? Better yet, maybe he'll come back as a liberal gay Teletubby? HA - I hope so.
Saw this today on Google News
http://www.nzherald.co.nz/section/story.cfm?c_id=5&objectid=10439881
I would totally be down for this, though...I have to say, it seems a little creepy. Like 'produce, produce, produce!' What next? Feeding tubes so we don't have to get up and eat?
But assuming this isn't the beginning of The Matrix, I think it's a cool idea.
Urm...it rained last night and hailed all over my plants, strangely though....my lawn looks great today! Guess they are tough enough to brave the storm. good little baby flowbers!
Ooops, better get back...i thini the network is going down agian....
i have internet. i don't have internet.
i have email. i don't have email.
i can access the sql server....whooops, no you can't!
and so on and so forth.
what a lovely day it would be to go clean my house, but instead i must stay and play FreeCell in between it all.
obviously i hvae connection at the moment but i won't count on it for too long.
lessee here....Jerry Falwell passed away today. I wonder how many gay, liberal, feminist and Teletubbies he'll meet on the other side? Better yet, maybe he'll come back as a liberal gay Teletubby? HA - I hope so.
Saw this today on Google News
http://www.nzherald.co.nz/section/story.cfm?c_id=5&objectid=10439881
I would totally be down for this, though...I have to say, it seems a little creepy. Like 'produce, produce, produce!' What next? Feeding tubes so we don't have to get up and eat?
But assuming this isn't the beginning of The Matrix, I think it's a cool idea.
Urm...it rained last night and hailed all over my plants, strangely though....my lawn looks great today! Guess they are tough enough to brave the storm. good little baby flowbers!
Ooops, better get back...i thini the network is going down agian....
Monday, May 14, 2007
Indigo Girls-Closer To Fine
Today, I was driving and heard a live version of this song and had to stop the car I sat and cried so hard. I never understood this song when I was younger, I don't remember the first time I heard it but I was young, 16? I sort of dismissed it at the time as I was in a totally different musical head space a that moment, which reflected my life style at the time.
A few years later, around 21 or so...I heard it on a KBCO or something and I cried that day in my car too for all this song said to me, for all the pain of trying to understand this life and why it all feels so hard some days and not others, why some of us take ourselves so seriously and some of us can just put it all down at the end of day, the energies and loves we put into finding our way, thus the chorus that immediately grabbed my attention:
I went to the doctor,
I went to the mountains
I looked to the children,
I drank from the fountains
There's more than one answer to these questions pointing me in a crooked line
And the less I seek my source for some definitive
(the less I seek my source)
The closer I am to fine
The closer I am to fine
And here I am, 10 years later...feeling much in the same place of confusion. I think I've got it figured it out now though....there is no 'figuring it out' in this game. This is what life is, every day there is beauty and every day there is something to cry about. The balance is within us and not from an external source, this balance means something different to all of us. Some of us will spend our lives seeking it and some of us are just born with it.
Buddha teaches us that suffering is the first experience of many to achieve peace...release. To live, to exist is to suffer. It is only one small step, acknowledgement I suppose...because this life is so impermanent.
This is where I am stuck, the idea that suffering...just trying to understand so many things that maybe I am not meant to...that is where I am stuck in my spiritual journey. And it is the same place that I was 10 years ago, allthough not nearly as deeply. Since, experience has taught me a great deal about suffering and the possible and/or inevidable outcomes. Attaching oneself to the suffering is the very cause of it. Noble Truth #2.
It only took me a decade to reach some understand of the second Noble Truth. Perhaps it is time to revisit those concepts more carefully.
In any event, please read the lyrics to this song and watch the video if you've never heard it before. It is a profoundly moving piece of each art to me and I wish to share it with you as a gift to all of you.
Link To Lyrics
Watch The Video
A few years later, around 21 or so...I heard it on a KBCO or something and I cried that day in my car too for all this song said to me, for all the pain of trying to understand this life and why it all feels so hard some days and not others, why some of us take ourselves so seriously and some of us can just put it all down at the end of day, the energies and loves we put into finding our way, thus the chorus that immediately grabbed my attention:
I went to the doctor,
I went to the mountains
I looked to the children,
I drank from the fountains
There's more than one answer to these questions pointing me in a crooked line
And the less I seek my source for some definitive
(the less I seek my source)
The closer I am to fine
The closer I am to fine
And here I am, 10 years later...feeling much in the same place of confusion. I think I've got it figured it out now though....there is no 'figuring it out' in this game. This is what life is, every day there is beauty and every day there is something to cry about. The balance is within us and not from an external source, this balance means something different to all of us. Some of us will spend our lives seeking it and some of us are just born with it.
Buddha teaches us that suffering is the first experience of many to achieve peace...release. To live, to exist is to suffer. It is only one small step, acknowledgement I suppose...because this life is so impermanent.
This is where I am stuck, the idea that suffering...just trying to understand so many things that maybe I am not meant to...that is where I am stuck in my spiritual journey. And it is the same place that I was 10 years ago, allthough not nearly as deeply. Since, experience has taught me a great deal about suffering and the possible and/or inevidable outcomes. Attaching oneself to the suffering is the very cause of it. Noble Truth #2.
It only took me a decade to reach some understand of the second Noble Truth. Perhaps it is time to revisit those concepts more carefully.
In any event, please read the lyrics to this song and watch the video if you've never heard it before. It is a profoundly moving piece of each art to me and I wish to share it with you as a gift to all of you.
Link To Lyrics
Watch The Video
Weekend Recap
Friday:
Came home from work, took a night. Was supposed to meet Bryan for drinks, he wanted to watch the Red Wings game and hockey on tv isn't my gig these days so we rescheduled for Saturday. C got home, we hung out for a bit out in the back and enjoyed a wonderful spring evening. C's buddy stopped by to show us his new bike, good for him. Max accidentally tipped it over, woops! Number one rule with motorcycles, don't tip over another dude's bike! EVER. Eh, you live and learn right? I felt bad about it, but no harm, no foul from what I can tell. After the house fell quiet, we hung out, watched movies drank some wine and relaxed together.
Saturday:
B came over 'bout 11 am. We went for a long walk before Max's soccer game and talked about the changes coming in his life. There is a part of me that is quite sad for him, this must all be very difficult and another that feels that this is a new beginning and that those beginnings in life inherently bring forth progress and growth. He is an incredibly strong and kind individual, he's going to go places and I'm very happy for him. Bryan has been one of my closest friends for upwards of 8 years, I've always loved and admired him tremendously and he is someone I respect professionally, personally and spiritually, our friendship has been blessed with a comfortable, honest and clear connection with one another that has lasted 9 years through various phases and stages of our respective lives. Relationships with staying power are the ones that are consistently tolerant, patient and compassionate. He has been one of the few I've shared that with and I am grateful. I will miss him, that's for certain but it doesn't weigh me down. I know him to be a person who maintains friendships through distance and time. Besides, he'll be back in the fall for the graduation of his nephew. Score!
The soccer game was perfect, Gayle (C's Mom) is in town and took the time out of her day to come to Mj's game. The 3 of us all hung out and enjoyed the weather, Max's team play hard and each other's company.
What a great day! C got home from school and we snuggled and watched movies quietly. I loved it, it really was a day for the scrap books.
Sunday:
I slept most of the day. LOL. Seriously, I did. C got up, went to school. Max did the dishes for me (thanks Max) and I spent the day sleeping, and watched a few gooshy movies in between it all. Gayle and Jeff came over for dinner, we had a wonderful meal thank's to Chance's culinary expertise and I received a lovely Mother's Day basket full of goodies from Gayle. What a thoughtful gift:) I think EVERY Sunday should be Mother's Day!
The weekend wrapped up with C and I falling asleep trying to watch Boston Legal and Kasha Puppy trying to take up the whole bed. How a dog who weighs all of 11 lbs can move around two large humans is beyond me, but we are suckers and accommodate her.
Cheers to a great weekend and many more to come!
Came home from work, took a night. Was supposed to meet Bryan for drinks, he wanted to watch the Red Wings game and hockey on tv isn't my gig these days so we rescheduled for Saturday. C got home, we hung out for a bit out in the back and enjoyed a wonderful spring evening. C's buddy stopped by to show us his new bike, good for him. Max accidentally tipped it over, woops! Number one rule with motorcycles, don't tip over another dude's bike! EVER. Eh, you live and learn right? I felt bad about it, but no harm, no foul from what I can tell. After the house fell quiet, we hung out, watched movies drank some wine and relaxed together.
Saturday:
B came over 'bout 11 am. We went for a long walk before Max's soccer game and talked about the changes coming in his life. There is a part of me that is quite sad for him, this must all be very difficult and another that feels that this is a new beginning and that those beginnings in life inherently bring forth progress and growth. He is an incredibly strong and kind individual, he's going to go places and I'm very happy for him. Bryan has been one of my closest friends for upwards of 8 years, I've always loved and admired him tremendously and he is someone I respect professionally, personally and spiritually, our friendship has been blessed with a comfortable, honest and clear connection with one another that has lasted 9 years through various phases and stages of our respective lives. Relationships with staying power are the ones that are consistently tolerant, patient and compassionate. He has been one of the few I've shared that with and I am grateful. I will miss him, that's for certain but it doesn't weigh me down. I know him to be a person who maintains friendships through distance and time. Besides, he'll be back in the fall for the graduation of his nephew. Score!
The soccer game was perfect, Gayle (C's Mom) is in town and took the time out of her day to come to Mj's game. The 3 of us all hung out and enjoyed the weather, Max's team play hard and each other's company.
What a great day! C got home from school and we snuggled and watched movies quietly. I loved it, it really was a day for the scrap books.
Sunday:
I slept most of the day. LOL. Seriously, I did. C got up, went to school. Max did the dishes for me (thanks Max) and I spent the day sleeping, and watched a few gooshy movies in between it all. Gayle and Jeff came over for dinner, we had a wonderful meal thank's to Chance's culinary expertise and I received a lovely Mother's Day basket full of goodies from Gayle. What a thoughtful gift:) I think EVERY Sunday should be Mother's Day!
The weekend wrapped up with C and I falling asleep trying to watch Boston Legal and Kasha Puppy trying to take up the whole bed. How a dog who weighs all of 11 lbs can move around two large humans is beyond me, but we are suckers and accommodate her.
Cheers to a great weekend and many more to come!
Friday, May 11, 2007
Little Miss Mango, How Does Your Garden Grow?
I've decided to start posting pics of my planting progress. I feel proud of it, however rudimentary it might be. So, you'll have to bear with me as I learn and take pride in my accomplishments!
This is the front of my home, near my mail box. Those larger green plants are going to be day lillies, I also planted echnaciea, something that's supposed to be large and yellow and you can sort of see the bluish flowers along the fence.
This is the front of my home, near my mail box. Those larger green plants are going to be day lillies, I also planted echnaciea, something that's supposed to be large and yellow and you can sort of see the bluish flowers along the fence.
This is the phalic fairy, nestled between what will eventually be a field of day lillies.
This is my first attempt at using planters, rather than ground planting. There are about 4 different plants/flowers in this pot and I think it's going to look splendid in about 2 weeks.
This is the back porch, a funky vew of my petunia's. And my foot it seems. Woops.
This is another attempt at potted lovelieness.
This is atop our patio furnishings, C's Mom Gail gave us this before they moved and it's really a lovely set. I found a citronella candle that smells really good (not at all like citronella!) and an ashtray for our smoker friends (so they can STOP THROWING THEIR CIGARETTE BUTTS IN MY BACK PATIO! This not a subtle hint in case you didn't notice smoker friends!)
That's about it for now, more and better quality pics to come.
TGIF? Oh yes, let me count the ways!
It's Friday folks and I am damn happy for it. Not because I want wish my life away, each moment IS a gift that is for certain. However, this week has been an emotional, physical and mental rollercoaster that I'll gladly be happy to move on from. What did I learn? Let's see, shall we:
a) Focusing on breathe outside of meditation is a fantastic stress reliever AND way to center myself. This must be done on a more regular basis, or I just cry for no reason and crying seems to upset the men for some reason.
b) I love yard work! It has essentially become my new vice and I have to tell you, this project has been rewarding in ways I couldn't have imagined. A sanctuary of my own choosing, a sacred spot on the planet in which I can beautify and support life? I think about my yard quite a lot now and it feels really good to have something, not work related, not family related, no related to ANYTHING except loving the earth and myself in the process, wow...what a deal! Plus, Kristen loves this subject so I like to see her get so excited about the whole thing. She's quite cute with it.
c) Max and I can't be friends every day. As much as I'd like for it to be different, it's just the way things are right now. It's his JOB to break away from me and it's my job to stay consistent with the rules/boundaries, whether he likes them or not. It's not easy being such a sensitive person though, I have to tell you that. I don't like feeling like my kid hates me, I don't like it when there is so much tension in our house and I sure don't like seeing him be all over the place like he is. I can't fix everything for him, I've done well in many ways with him and he is loved and that is the bottom line of it all.
d) I really miss eating fish, specifically sushi. It is the ONLY protein I've craved regularly for some time now. I have no desire to eat any other animal product, it mostly just makes me sick anyway, but fish...ooooh, I LOVE fish. I love Mahi Mahi, Ahi Tuna, Snapper, Salmon, Shell Fish of all kinds, and I adore unagi. ADORE IT! I may have to indulge myself a little in some good, fresh fish.
Peace out ya'll! Happy Mothers Day and Happy Friday!
https://civ.moveon.org/momsrisingdvds/?id=10310-5983100-Ftr8Au&t=1
a) Focusing on breathe outside of meditation is a fantastic stress reliever AND way to center myself. This must be done on a more regular basis, or I just cry for no reason and crying seems to upset the men for some reason.
b) I love yard work! It has essentially become my new vice and I have to tell you, this project has been rewarding in ways I couldn't have imagined. A sanctuary of my own choosing, a sacred spot on the planet in which I can beautify and support life? I think about my yard quite a lot now and it feels really good to have something, not work related, not family related, no related to ANYTHING except loving the earth and myself in the process, wow...what a deal! Plus, Kristen loves this subject so I like to see her get so excited about the whole thing. She's quite cute with it.
c) Max and I can't be friends every day. As much as I'd like for it to be different, it's just the way things are right now. It's his JOB to break away from me and it's my job to stay consistent with the rules/boundaries, whether he likes them or not. It's not easy being such a sensitive person though, I have to tell you that. I don't like feeling like my kid hates me, I don't like it when there is so much tension in our house and I sure don't like seeing him be all over the place like he is. I can't fix everything for him, I've done well in many ways with him and he is loved and that is the bottom line of it all.
d) I really miss eating fish, specifically sushi. It is the ONLY protein I've craved regularly for some time now. I have no desire to eat any other animal product, it mostly just makes me sick anyway, but fish...ooooh, I LOVE fish. I love Mahi Mahi, Ahi Tuna, Snapper, Salmon, Shell Fish of all kinds, and I adore unagi. ADORE IT! I may have to indulge myself a little in some good, fresh fish.
Peace out ya'll! Happy Mothers Day and Happy Friday!
https://civ.moveon.org/momsrisingdvds/?id=10310-5983100-Ftr8Au&t=1
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Naked Juice/Odwalla
So, I'm trying to detox/fast and with my lifestyle it is near impossible to do so in a way that is 100% ideal. Fresh fruit/veggie smoothies made homemade, all organics at home, carefully measured and researched, etc..etc..
There will be a time in my life where I can wake up in the morning, make a smoothie and sit down to enjoy it on my beautiful deck overlooking the ocean. There will be birds overhead, my dog(s) playing on the beach below and Gaia cat perched atop the deck corner amusing herself over the idiotic dogs/humans she tolerates. I will be surrounded by tranquility, exuberance, and love. aaaahhh, that sounds so so SO good.
But for now, I have to take pleasure in my ocean sounds CD, taking Kasha to the park, being swatted by Gaia (in a loving way of course), the occasional hug from the boys and grabbing food on the go that is conducive to this plan I've got started here.
Many other things are falling into place, slowly slowly...but they are, crunching their way toward peace. But food has become my enemy once again, it all started about a month ago when I ate an omelet and since, I've been eating like total crap. Not b/c I don't like FOOD, oh no no...I LOVE food. Too much actually and I generally don't feel well after I eat the foods I've vowed not to eat as a vegan. Some of it is mental, I know that for certain, but some of it is definitely not mental. Especially the dang cheese, I feel like a giant bloated cheese curd at the moment and let me tell you something, it is NOT a good thing.
My goal now is to get back on track, detox for a number of reasons and spend the summer feeling more comfortable in this bod of mine and about the choices I'm making to support what I believe in.
So, back to topic...Naked Juice. And Odwalla. I see these products as two options in helping me get back on track. At least as best as I can at the moment. They are convenient, tasty, readily available and fairly affordable, extremely high in nutrients and both have protein drinks which are a great way to start the day, and I can fit them in when I don't have time to really prepare or eat a good meal during the day, which is most of the time.
Some draw backs: Most of them are pretty high in sugar, it's 'natural' sugar from the fruit/veggie...but still, high in sugar. At least it's not unrefined, processed sugar though. Also, most don't have a lot of fiber. Why? Fruit/veggies are high in fiber usually? Ah well...they strip the hell out of the poor things to squeeze them into those little containers, so unfortunately the fibrous tissues are removed during the juicing process.
Obviously there are drawbacks, but I see many perks so I plan to try this for a week and see how I feel. It's got to be better than I feel today!
There will be a time in my life where I can wake up in the morning, make a smoothie and sit down to enjoy it on my beautiful deck overlooking the ocean. There will be birds overhead, my dog(s) playing on the beach below and Gaia cat perched atop the deck corner amusing herself over the idiotic dogs/humans she tolerates. I will be surrounded by tranquility, exuberance, and love. aaaahhh, that sounds so so SO good.
But for now, I have to take pleasure in my ocean sounds CD, taking Kasha to the park, being swatted by Gaia (in a loving way of course), the occasional hug from the boys and grabbing food on the go that is conducive to this plan I've got started here.
Many other things are falling into place, slowly slowly...but they are, crunching their way toward peace. But food has become my enemy once again, it all started about a month ago when I ate an omelet and since, I've been eating like total crap. Not b/c I don't like FOOD, oh no no...I LOVE food. Too much actually and I generally don't feel well after I eat the foods I've vowed not to eat as a vegan. Some of it is mental, I know that for certain, but some of it is definitely not mental. Especially the dang cheese, I feel like a giant bloated cheese curd at the moment and let me tell you something, it is NOT a good thing.
My goal now is to get back on track, detox for a number of reasons and spend the summer feeling more comfortable in this bod of mine and about the choices I'm making to support what I believe in.
So, back to topic...Naked Juice. And Odwalla. I see these products as two options in helping me get back on track. At least as best as I can at the moment. They are convenient, tasty, readily available and fairly affordable, extremely high in nutrients and both have protein drinks which are a great way to start the day, and I can fit them in when I don't have time to really prepare or eat a good meal during the day, which is most of the time.
Some draw backs: Most of them are pretty high in sugar, it's 'natural' sugar from the fruit/veggie...but still, high in sugar. At least it's not unrefined, processed sugar though. Also, most don't have a lot of fiber. Why? Fruit/veggies are high in fiber usually? Ah well...they strip the hell out of the poor things to squeeze them into those little containers, so unfortunately the fibrous tissues are removed during the juicing process.
Obviously there are drawbacks, but I see many perks so I plan to try this for a week and see how I feel. It's got to be better than I feel today!
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
It Ain't Easy Being Green
Last night, through many emails and teary conversations later with Chance, it dawned on me that I've been a might bit unfair with the big man. Not totally now, I mean he does need to figure out how to not neglect the Mango b/c an unhappy Mango is a very sad (and thus uncooperative and likely to burst) Mango. But I did sort of get it that between my emotional state these past several days, my own work/life/mom demands and the fact that my guy is basically MIA these days...I pretty much lost in on Monday. Apologies are in order, but only for the degree to which I lost my self control b/c for all the hype....I do have way too much on my plate and so does Chance and we have to find a sustainable solution.
Consider this:
C's week goes something like this:
Wed - School from 12:30 - 10 PM
M, T, Th & F work 9 - 10 hours to make up for school hours on Wed
Sat/Sun homework which includes photographing various locations, developing film, studying for tests/papers, research etc....
Lately, he's also been having to do homework after work Mon/Tues until 10 or 11 pm
My week goes something like this:
M & W Max has tutoring and soccer
Tuesday we have therapy
Thursday Max has soccer
Games usually on the weekend
In between all this cleaning, cooking, shopping, homework, Max, yard work, bills, house upkeep, etc....etc...dr. appointments etc...OH yeah and work from 7 - 3:30.
This generally leaves us Sunday, maybe....to even SEE each other at this point. Mostly, I see him when he comes to kiss me goodnight when he gets home. Load all this unto a Mango who only has two hands, a 14 year old who wants to test everything and only so much patience to go around and BLAMMMMMMMMMO.
The solution to this issue has not yet presented itself. I am sort of faced with the challenge of accepting that I am responsible for every aspect of our home and all things with no support until Chance is out of school (at least the next 3 years) and basically having an invisible boyfriend, but supporting him in the process and laying the foundation of consistency and comfort so he can pursue his academic goals with the idea in mind that it will then be my turn when Max is out of high school?
Or. Not. Meaning, I can accept this or not. That's the tricky part you see because I don't think C realized how this project of his would take over his life when he got involved, though I did to some extent but kept my mouth shut as much as possible.
Hrm, many things to ponder. The obvious answer to me would be that of course I plan to support Chance, I love him, I am invested in and this is probably the first real, grown up relationship I've had and I am pretty sure that means you sometimes have to take one for the team and support your partner, even when it's hard and not at all convenient. Certainly Chance is worth it and though he can be a selfish weenie boy sometimes, he too is learning that love is not always easy and requires some effort on his part.
However, my own selfish voices say "Why should I?" Essentially, this means that I am putting my ass out on the line for this guy, making his life comfortable while he is out pursuing his dream and you know what that means? I am leaving myself wide open to get burned, hurt or otherwise traumatized. Nope, that doesn't sound like much of a plan.
But it is possible, that Chance isn't going to turn into that guy I've known before. You know, the one who takes everything and leaves you wondering what the hell happened? It is possible that my supporting him through this transition is not only the right thing to do because I am his partner and I would expect the same, but also because ultimately....his education could greatly benefit us both in the long run. Monetary reasons aside, the possibilities involved with this are essentially limitless and when we do have time to talk about this sort of thing, we talk alot about what could happen and where we could go together in this journey have he's out of school.
What I am seeing is that I have some fears here....fears of giving more, fears of doing so and being abandoned, fears of letting myself put myself out for a man (gasp!) and mostly...just making myself so emotionally vulnerable in regards to something that is now, so totally intangible.
Life never, ever ceases to be interesting!
Consider this:
C's week goes something like this:
Wed - School from 12:30 - 10 PM
M, T, Th & F work 9 - 10 hours to make up for school hours on Wed
Sat/Sun homework which includes photographing various locations, developing film, studying for tests/papers, research etc....
Lately, he's also been having to do homework after work Mon/Tues until 10 or 11 pm
My week goes something like this:
M & W Max has tutoring and soccer
Tuesday we have therapy
Thursday Max has soccer
Games usually on the weekend
In between all this cleaning, cooking, shopping, homework, Max, yard work, bills, house upkeep, etc....etc...dr. appointments etc...OH yeah and work from 7 - 3:30.
This generally leaves us Sunday, maybe....to even SEE each other at this point. Mostly, I see him when he comes to kiss me goodnight when he gets home. Load all this unto a Mango who only has two hands, a 14 year old who wants to test everything and only so much patience to go around and BLAMMMMMMMMMO.
The solution to this issue has not yet presented itself. I am sort of faced with the challenge of accepting that I am responsible for every aspect of our home and all things with no support until Chance is out of school (at least the next 3 years) and basically having an invisible boyfriend, but supporting him in the process and laying the foundation of consistency and comfort so he can pursue his academic goals with the idea in mind that it will then be my turn when Max is out of high school?
Or. Not. Meaning, I can accept this or not. That's the tricky part you see because I don't think C realized how this project of his would take over his life when he got involved, though I did to some extent but kept my mouth shut as much as possible.
Hrm, many things to ponder. The obvious answer to me would be that of course I plan to support Chance, I love him, I am invested in and this is probably the first real, grown up relationship I've had and I am pretty sure that means you sometimes have to take one for the team and support your partner, even when it's hard and not at all convenient. Certainly Chance is worth it and though he can be a selfish weenie boy sometimes, he too is learning that love is not always easy and requires some effort on his part.
However, my own selfish voices say "Why should I?" Essentially, this means that I am putting my ass out on the line for this guy, making his life comfortable while he is out pursuing his dream and you know what that means? I am leaving myself wide open to get burned, hurt or otherwise traumatized. Nope, that doesn't sound like much of a plan.
But it is possible, that Chance isn't going to turn into that guy I've known before. You know, the one who takes everything and leaves you wondering what the hell happened? It is possible that my supporting him through this transition is not only the right thing to do because I am his partner and I would expect the same, but also because ultimately....his education could greatly benefit us both in the long run. Monetary reasons aside, the possibilities involved with this are essentially limitless and when we do have time to talk about this sort of thing, we talk alot about what could happen and where we could go together in this journey have he's out of school.
What I am seeing is that I have some fears here....fears of giving more, fears of doing so and being abandoned, fears of letting myself put myself out for a man (gasp!) and mostly...just making myself so emotionally vulnerable in regards to something that is now, so totally intangible.
Life never, ever ceases to be interesting!
Detox
I have a mini detox planned for the next 5 days. I cannot afford to purchase additional food items to support me in this process, so I will have to use what I already have on hand. The plan is pretty simple, 3 - 5 liters of filtered water each day, no sugars/unrefined carbs, tons of colorful fruits/veggies, alot of rest, no alcohol, meditation and exercise each day, and 3 cups of detox tea each day.
My emotions have been on a roller coaster this past week, I've been a wreck and I'm tired of feeling so poorly. My eating habits have digressed sadly to an equally poor state and I am absolutely certain after spending 3 + months as a devoted vegan that if I had any doubts before about the correlation between how one eats and how one feels, I have no doubts now.
Send healing, warm and positive energies my way and remember...garbage in, garbage out...
My emotions have been on a roller coaster this past week, I've been a wreck and I'm tired of feeling so poorly. My eating habits have digressed sadly to an equally poor state and I am absolutely certain after spending 3 + months as a devoted vegan that if I had any doubts before about the correlation between how one eats and how one feels, I have no doubts now.
Send healing, warm and positive energies my way and remember...garbage in, garbage out...
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
In Honor Of....
The following (sent to me by whom else but Matty) is honor of all the crazy nights I've spent with my friends during those roaring 20's and the fond and memorable events those evenings created. Things I wish I had said are in bold:
>> THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
>> 1. Innovative
>> 2. Preliminary
>> 3. Proliferation
>> 4. Cinnamon
>>
>> THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
>> 1. Specificity
>> 2. Anti-constitutionalistically
>> 3. Passive-aggressive disorder
>> 4. Transubstantiate
>>
>> THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
>> 1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
>> 2. Nope, no more booze for me.
>> 3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
>> 4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
>> 5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
>> 6. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
>> 7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
>> 8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I
>> have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
>> 9. Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the
>> street.
>> 10. I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.
>> THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
>> 1. Innovative
>> 2. Preliminary
>> 3. Proliferation
>> 4. Cinnamon
>>
>> THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
>> 1. Specificity
>> 2. Anti-constitutionalistically
>> 3. Passive-aggressive disorder
>> 4. Transubstantiate
>>
>> THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
>> 1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
>> 2. Nope, no more booze for me.
>> 3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
>> 4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
>> 5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
>> 6. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
>> 7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
>> 8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I
>> have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
>> 9. Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the
>> street.
>> 10. I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.
Too Tired...
I'm too tired to post what I want to post in detail, but I do want to clarify that my post from yesterday was very emotional and I was definitely not in a good place when I wrote it. I DO love my family, I adore my home and I *think* we are continuing to grow.
There are some things that could be a lot better, that's for sure. Max could straighten up a little and stop making these choices that seem to stem from no where, Chance could perhaps take a little more time to make me feel like I am worth something to him and I, I could probably stop taking everything so personally and falling apart when my feelings are hurt. I could also probably do a lot more to care for myself and expect others to do it for me, because we all know that's not how it works when you are a mom/partner.
It is possible that my bottom line is just this: Sometimes I want someone to take care of me.
Sometimes I don't want to have to make all the decisions. Sometimes I get tired of doing all of it without so much as a thank you. Sometimes I want my boyfriend to do something nice for me and make an effort to let me know I am important to him. Sometimes I want my son to just clean his room without fighting me over it every single time. Sometimes I want someone to love me the way that I want to be loved.
With so much going on in the world, I feel like our unit needs to be tight and have each others backs. Life is too short for all this nonsense, people not respecting each other and giving to one another, following up with their obligations and taking advantage of one another. It's just not cool.
I think happiness and success is possible, but I'm not sure what needs to happen next to make it so that everyone is happy, feeling fulfilled and thriving in our current situation. As it stands now, I am feeling a little puny and fragile about the whole thing and that is not a very comfortable place for me to be. My 'girl-power' fuel is at a dangerous low. Refuel is desperately needed.
In the interim, I feel like I have to be the model for loving and respecting one another and at least I can start there. I'm not always good at it either, but I try.
Max is a great kid and he means the world to me, he's going to screw up sometimes and I can deal with and I am allowed to feel disappointed with him about it. How else will he learn that his actions affect others? But he knows I love him, no matter what.
Chance has so many unique qualities, all of which I greatly respect and appreciate. Neither of us is perfect, neither of us know exactly what we are doing here and neither of us knows how to share very well. It's ok for me to feel the way I feel about the things that aren't working for me and it's ok for me to voice them to him (he certainly does!) what he does with them from their are his choices.
Sometimes I just get tired, emotionally spent from the whole thing.
I also feel like I could use a good nap. Where is my pillow and blankie....
There are some things that could be a lot better, that's for sure. Max could straighten up a little and stop making these choices that seem to stem from no where, Chance could perhaps take a little more time to make me feel like I am worth something to him and I, I could probably stop taking everything so personally and falling apart when my feelings are hurt. I could also probably do a lot more to care for myself and expect others to do it for me, because we all know that's not how it works when you are a mom/partner.
It is possible that my bottom line is just this: Sometimes I want someone to take care of me.
Sometimes I don't want to have to make all the decisions. Sometimes I get tired of doing all of it without so much as a thank you. Sometimes I want my boyfriend to do something nice for me and make an effort to let me know I am important to him. Sometimes I want my son to just clean his room without fighting me over it every single time. Sometimes I want someone to love me the way that I want to be loved.
With so much going on in the world, I feel like our unit needs to be tight and have each others backs. Life is too short for all this nonsense, people not respecting each other and giving to one another, following up with their obligations and taking advantage of one another. It's just not cool.
I think happiness and success is possible, but I'm not sure what needs to happen next to make it so that everyone is happy, feeling fulfilled and thriving in our current situation. As it stands now, I am feeling a little puny and fragile about the whole thing and that is not a very comfortable place for me to be. My 'girl-power' fuel is at a dangerous low. Refuel is desperately needed.
In the interim, I feel like I have to be the model for loving and respecting one another and at least I can start there. I'm not always good at it either, but I try.
Max is a great kid and he means the world to me, he's going to screw up sometimes and I can deal with and I am allowed to feel disappointed with him about it. How else will he learn that his actions affect others? But he knows I love him, no matter what.
Chance has so many unique qualities, all of which I greatly respect and appreciate. Neither of us is perfect, neither of us know exactly what we are doing here and neither of us knows how to share very well. It's ok for me to feel the way I feel about the things that aren't working for me and it's ok for me to voice them to him (he certainly does!) what he does with them from their are his choices.
Sometimes I just get tired, emotionally spent from the whole thing.
I also feel like I could use a good nap. Where is my pillow and blankie....
Monday, May 07, 2007
When It's Hard Not To Feel Dissapointement.....
He promised the lawn would get mowed this weekend so I could plant my flowers. I've been asking for 3 weeks. I thought it was getting done Saturday, I even heard him and Max out there starting it up and making sure everything worked. But then he dissapeared with Andy and came home and cooked up a mess in the kitchen the size of Alaska. Every dish, piece of silverware and glass was used. Every surface, including the floor, was totally covered in something. It took me until today to get it cleaned up totally.
Sunday, suddenly the fact that we had to drive to Fort Collins for Max's soccer game (that he promised to come to and take pictures) was 'not something I told him' and he insisted that I did not explain this to him advance and he definately could not attend because he had to go to school to do homework. Because he didn't go on Saturday.
I took the day off today, called up Kristen and we worked on the yard ourselves. I had called him at lunch because I couldn't figure the lawn mower out (there are several tempermental aspects to the hand me down lawn mower we have, it works just fine, you just have to know how thump it in the right spot) and he offered to come home and mow the lawn at lunch. I thought, wow, that's sweet! Cool. Apparently I misunderstood, I seem to do that a lot. One of us does, that's for sure. He left in a huff, I sat and cried. Feeling abandoned and really hurt because I feel really left in the lurch with the house and all the things we are supposed to be doing 'together' and then, I just got pissed. What would 'Single Sarah' do? She wouldn't sit around and wait for a man to help her, that's for damn sure.
Kristen showed up, saw that I was upset and gave me a little friendly pep talk and a gentle kick in the butt. I wiped my eyes, brushed it off and had the best afternoon I've had in along time. Kristen is the only friend I have in the world that would devote herself, her time and her energy to helping me with something that I should know how to do and should seem simple, but I just couldn't seem to get there on my own. She would and will and does do this without making me feel like an ass and she basically saved me this afternoon. Those kind of friends do not come along often in a lifetime, that is for certain.
My yard looks beautiful, I have so many idea's and now that I can see the therapuetic value of being so close to earth in this way and see the fruits of my efforts, I know it will become a passion. Thank you Kristen, quite honestly, you are one of the only people who has never let me down. I love you for that, but mostly I love you because you are you.
As we worked on the yard, Max called and informed me that he was at Ms. Barry's working on Language Arts. You see, Ms. Barry has offered to tutor Max on Monday's after school from 2 - 3 PM. For free. On her own time. And Max has agreed to go every week for the remainder of the year.
When Max called today, a conversation ensued that instantly led me to believe that our man was lying to his Momma. Didn't take long for me to dig out the truth. Instead of going to tutoring, he's been hanging out with a bunch of other kids over at his friends house for an hour and pretending he's been going to tutoring. I soon realized that Max has been pulling this for about 3 weeks now and lying, ever so sweetly, right to my face. Kids do this, it is a test. But I am really dissapointed in him. I really thought he was making some progress and I see that he has made some choices (not only this one unfortunately) recently that are indicating that Max's direction is not exactly as on target as he is leading others to believe. I am dissapointed that he lied to me, so boldly and had a little story and everything all made up. Lying is one of my biggest pet peaves in life, especially if it is premeditated. I am dissapointed in him for pulling a guilt trip on me when I called him out on what he'd done and making ME feel like the bad guy, I'm dissapointed that he never ever mutters an apology or seems to show much remorse when he does these things. I am dissapointed that he seems so comfortable with deceit. I told him these things too, not to make him feel bad but because it is the truth. This child is constantly begging for me freedom, but he pulls these things and then I must withdraw his freedoms even more.
I really get tired of being the bad guy.
I am cast as 'unsupportive' when I ask for help because, I just can't do it all by myself and he's got school and work and a motorcycle now. I'm sitting there going...hrm, ok. Well, that's great...but this, this 'thing' we are doing, it requires your presence, energy, patience and devotion. My needs, wants and desires seem to have little bearing on anything. I am learning quickly that I can do all of this myself and I've been fairly successfull in doing so in the past and I'm not afraid...but I guess I'd just hoped for more. I am sad that I feel this way about him today, disapointed, let down....like I am sacrificing and giving and loving and it's going no where. That sure can make a girl feel worthless and miserable and I promised myself a man would never make me feel that way again.
Perhaps I expect to much, I don't know. I feel pretty deserving of honesty, that's for sure and I definately don't think it's entirely fair for me to manage the entire house, in all ways on my own with little to no assistance at all just because Chance is in school. I pretty much feel totally on my own in all ways at this point, except he does live here and makes more messes for me to clean up. Other than that, I don't feel much like a couple lately. But what I do know for sure is that at this point, for this very moment...the two men I adore have really bottomed out my list and I don't feel bad for saying so.
What does one do when they feel dissapointed? I'm not into moping or pouting, it just makes me depressed and irritable and it's not particularly pro active. My words seldom have much effect on either of them unfortunately, I express myself quite a lot and I'm thinking they've reached the point of tuning me out completely, which of course infuriates me. Confrontation on issues in this house go one of two ways a) The confrontee becomes smug and complacent and says things like "Sure" or "Whatever." b) The confrontee becomes overly aggressive and attacks, pulls guilt trips or attempts to evade the topic all together.
We are such healthy communicators here and this isn't just the guys, I have my moments I assure you. Though, I am into talking things out...I really just can't handle it any other way because communicating is a strength of mine and I essentially expect it from the people in my life, I expect at the very least that we sit and try to talk about it...I think they'd be happy just pretending like everything is fine and dandy until the cows came home. As long as I'm not the one making waves and talking openly about what I see, everything is just fine.
This stuff may seem petty to an outsider, however, it grates on ones nerves eventually to be taken advantage of, lied to and disrespected. I also don't leave things sitting under the surface just because that is easier. Not for very long at least.
What I can't figure out is what I've done to let either one of them think it is ok to act like this toward me? All I can think of is that I'm just too 'nice' and I'm not always that nice.
That and maybe it's just not personal. I find alot of males to be extremelely self-serving, selfish, inconsiderate and totally incapable of seeing much outside of their initial satisfaction. (In a perfect world, I wouldn't be saying this based on gender...but I can't help it, I'm sorry. I see it with a large majority of families in my life, with only a few exceptions.) It's very possible that I've some how messed up and let my boys think it's ok to act like that in my home.
I've recently realized that I can be a pretty accomodating person, I like giving to people and making them happy. I like taking care of the people I love. I'd do more if I could, but I only have two hands. If nothing else, by the very fact that if something isn't getting done...I'll just do it b/c I don't have the energy, patience or time to sit around and wait for others. I get it that I probably don't make the guys accountable enough and that's probably why they take advantage of me. But I'm getting pretty damn sick of it, I have to tell you.
I do not want a life time of serving people who cannot, or will not, appreciate me. I just can't do it. It's not what I came here to do. I didn't come here to SERVE anyone, I came here to love and be loved and try to do something in this life time that means something.
ARGH
I think I'll just go play with the worms in my garden and pitch a tent in my grass and let the boys get their heads out of their asses. Then we can talk.
Sunday, suddenly the fact that we had to drive to Fort Collins for Max's soccer game (that he promised to come to and take pictures) was 'not something I told him' and he insisted that I did not explain this to him advance and he definately could not attend because he had to go to school to do homework. Because he didn't go on Saturday.
I took the day off today, called up Kristen and we worked on the yard ourselves. I had called him at lunch because I couldn't figure the lawn mower out (there are several tempermental aspects to the hand me down lawn mower we have, it works just fine, you just have to know how thump it in the right spot) and he offered to come home and mow the lawn at lunch. I thought, wow, that's sweet! Cool. Apparently I misunderstood, I seem to do that a lot. One of us does, that's for sure. He left in a huff, I sat and cried. Feeling abandoned and really hurt because I feel really left in the lurch with the house and all the things we are supposed to be doing 'together' and then, I just got pissed. What would 'Single Sarah' do? She wouldn't sit around and wait for a man to help her, that's for damn sure.
Kristen showed up, saw that I was upset and gave me a little friendly pep talk and a gentle kick in the butt. I wiped my eyes, brushed it off and had the best afternoon I've had in along time. Kristen is the only friend I have in the world that would devote herself, her time and her energy to helping me with something that I should know how to do and should seem simple, but I just couldn't seem to get there on my own. She would and will and does do this without making me feel like an ass and she basically saved me this afternoon. Those kind of friends do not come along often in a lifetime, that is for certain.
My yard looks beautiful, I have so many idea's and now that I can see the therapuetic value of being so close to earth in this way and see the fruits of my efforts, I know it will become a passion. Thank you Kristen, quite honestly, you are one of the only people who has never let me down. I love you for that, but mostly I love you because you are you.
As we worked on the yard, Max called and informed me that he was at Ms. Barry's working on Language Arts. You see, Ms. Barry has offered to tutor Max on Monday's after school from 2 - 3 PM. For free. On her own time. And Max has agreed to go every week for the remainder of the year.
When Max called today, a conversation ensued that instantly led me to believe that our man was lying to his Momma. Didn't take long for me to dig out the truth. Instead of going to tutoring, he's been hanging out with a bunch of other kids over at his friends house for an hour and pretending he's been going to tutoring. I soon realized that Max has been pulling this for about 3 weeks now and lying, ever so sweetly, right to my face. Kids do this, it is a test. But I am really dissapointed in him. I really thought he was making some progress and I see that he has made some choices (not only this one unfortunately) recently that are indicating that Max's direction is not exactly as on target as he is leading others to believe. I am dissapointed that he lied to me, so boldly and had a little story and everything all made up. Lying is one of my biggest pet peaves in life, especially if it is premeditated. I am dissapointed in him for pulling a guilt trip on me when I called him out on what he'd done and making ME feel like the bad guy, I'm dissapointed that he never ever mutters an apology or seems to show much remorse when he does these things. I am dissapointed that he seems so comfortable with deceit. I told him these things too, not to make him feel bad but because it is the truth. This child is constantly begging for me freedom, but he pulls these things and then I must withdraw his freedoms even more.
I really get tired of being the bad guy.
I am cast as 'unsupportive' when I ask for help because, I just can't do it all by myself and he's got school and work and a motorcycle now. I'm sitting there going...hrm, ok. Well, that's great...but this, this 'thing' we are doing, it requires your presence, energy, patience and devotion. My needs, wants and desires seem to have little bearing on anything. I am learning quickly that I can do all of this myself and I've been fairly successfull in doing so in the past and I'm not afraid...but I guess I'd just hoped for more. I am sad that I feel this way about him today, disapointed, let down....like I am sacrificing and giving and loving and it's going no where. That sure can make a girl feel worthless and miserable and I promised myself a man would never make me feel that way again.
Perhaps I expect to much, I don't know. I feel pretty deserving of honesty, that's for sure and I definately don't think it's entirely fair for me to manage the entire house, in all ways on my own with little to no assistance at all just because Chance is in school. I pretty much feel totally on my own in all ways at this point, except he does live here and makes more messes for me to clean up. Other than that, I don't feel much like a couple lately. But what I do know for sure is that at this point, for this very moment...the two men I adore have really bottomed out my list and I don't feel bad for saying so.
What does one do when they feel dissapointed? I'm not into moping or pouting, it just makes me depressed and irritable and it's not particularly pro active. My words seldom have much effect on either of them unfortunately, I express myself quite a lot and I'm thinking they've reached the point of tuning me out completely, which of course infuriates me. Confrontation on issues in this house go one of two ways a) The confrontee becomes smug and complacent and says things like "Sure" or "Whatever." b) The confrontee becomes overly aggressive and attacks, pulls guilt trips or attempts to evade the topic all together.
We are such healthy communicators here and this isn't just the guys, I have my moments I assure you. Though, I am into talking things out...I really just can't handle it any other way because communicating is a strength of mine and I essentially expect it from the people in my life, I expect at the very least that we sit and try to talk about it...I think they'd be happy just pretending like everything is fine and dandy until the cows came home. As long as I'm not the one making waves and talking openly about what I see, everything is just fine.
This stuff may seem petty to an outsider, however, it grates on ones nerves eventually to be taken advantage of, lied to and disrespected. I also don't leave things sitting under the surface just because that is easier. Not for very long at least.
What I can't figure out is what I've done to let either one of them think it is ok to act like this toward me? All I can think of is that I'm just too 'nice' and I'm not always that nice.
That and maybe it's just not personal. I find alot of males to be extremelely self-serving, selfish, inconsiderate and totally incapable of seeing much outside of their initial satisfaction. (In a perfect world, I wouldn't be saying this based on gender...but I can't help it, I'm sorry. I see it with a large majority of families in my life, with only a few exceptions.) It's very possible that I've some how messed up and let my boys think it's ok to act like that in my home.
I've recently realized that I can be a pretty accomodating person, I like giving to people and making them happy. I like taking care of the people I love. I'd do more if I could, but I only have two hands. If nothing else, by the very fact that if something isn't getting done...I'll just do it b/c I don't have the energy, patience or time to sit around and wait for others. I get it that I probably don't make the guys accountable enough and that's probably why they take advantage of me. But I'm getting pretty damn sick of it, I have to tell you.
I do not want a life time of serving people who cannot, or will not, appreciate me. I just can't do it. It's not what I came here to do. I didn't come here to SERVE anyone, I came here to love and be loved and try to do something in this life time that means something.
ARGH
I think I'll just go play with the worms in my garden and pitch a tent in my grass and let the boys get their heads out of their asses. Then we can talk.
Saturday, May 05, 2007
Sunny Saturdays
It's gorgeous outside! You might wonder why I am sitting at my computer when it is so beautiful out, but I am mostly biding my time until C gets done mowing the lawn. He's so good:)
Kristen and I went flower shopping yesterday and we are going to plant after C is done, then...my yard will be colorful and trimmed and happy. I LOVE IT. I love having my own house to do this sort of thing with, we are so blessed.
Max is out riding his bike, being a happy kid.
It's a good day.
BTW: Gaia cat has developed a new behavior. The back ground of the issue is this: Gaia was one a street kitty and thus, she is pretty finicky (sp?) about her food and water sources. We all know she is a sink cat, but she also has this notion that if her food is in her food bowl too long (say a day) then it is no longer acceptable for consumption. Ok...so, twice a day I give her a handful of food. If she hasn't eaten it from the morning, I stick my hand in the bag and pretend like I'm giving her a whole new handful. That trick worked a few times...but she's hip to my game. Guess that's what I get for trying to double cross The Great One. Now, if I don't actually give her a handful of fresh food (twice a day, she doesn't even eat that much but she wants me to do it because she wants me to and that's that) she has taken to taking pot shots at me when I pass by her on the stairs. This morning, she literally stuck her paw out on the stair as if to say "You shall not pass until you feed me woman!" I stepped over, she cussed at me and tried to eat my shoe lace.
I'm such a bad human.
:)
Kristen and I went flower shopping yesterday and we are going to plant after C is done, then...my yard will be colorful and trimmed and happy. I LOVE IT. I love having my own house to do this sort of thing with, we are so blessed.
Max is out riding his bike, being a happy kid.
It's a good day.
BTW: Gaia cat has developed a new behavior. The back ground of the issue is this: Gaia was one a street kitty and thus, she is pretty finicky (sp?) about her food and water sources. We all know she is a sink cat, but she also has this notion that if her food is in her food bowl too long (say a day) then it is no longer acceptable for consumption. Ok...so, twice a day I give her a handful of food. If she hasn't eaten it from the morning, I stick my hand in the bag and pretend like I'm giving her a whole new handful. That trick worked a few times...but she's hip to my game. Guess that's what I get for trying to double cross The Great One. Now, if I don't actually give her a handful of fresh food (twice a day, she doesn't even eat that much but she wants me to do it because she wants me to and that's that) she has taken to taking pot shots at me when I pass by her on the stairs. This morning, she literally stuck her paw out on the stair as if to say "You shall not pass until you feed me woman!" I stepped over, she cussed at me and tried to eat my shoe lace.
I'm such a bad human.
:)
Friday, May 04, 2007
I Am Not The Maid
If it spilled, dripped, dropped or made crumblies all over.....
Wipe it up.
If you trip, kick or fall over it.....
Pick it up and put it where it goes.
If it is used to eat or drink out of or from.....
Make an attempt to get it near the KITCHEN sink.
I don't care if it's not your mess.....PICK IT UP!
Do you think I scrub the bathtubs and toilet's after your stinky butts for the sheer joy of it?
It is not necessary to touch every surface as you walk by it....
Your hands are filthy, please keep them to yourself.
Contrary to popular belief, wet towels do not belong on the bed or the floor....
They have a home, in the bathroom where they go to dry and regenerate themselves
for the next time they are used to wipe down your sweaty, dirty bodies.
Recently science has discovered a useful tool devised and utilized by prehistoric man when transporting garments to be washed...
It's called a LAUNDRY BASKET.
When you leave a room....
Turn the light off. We are facing an energy crisis people!
FLUSH THE FREAKING TOILET. Please, please....for petesake...flush the toilet.
As an added bonus, you can wash your hands too! Wooopppppppeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
The refrigerator is intended to keep foods cool for long term use...
Not as a receptacle for empty cartons or half eaten apples sitting on a shelf.
Everyone has very busy lives, with demanding schedules and daily routines that require everyone to be on task....
You are not the only one and you too, must make the time to contribute to the household.
If something needs to be done....
Don't waste everyone's valuable time complaining or procrastinating, JUST FREAKING DO IT!
Seriously...that's it, JUST DO IT.
Very simple.
And finally....
I am not the maid.
This is a difficult concept for many of you to understand because things just magically 'get done.' Guess what little darlings? How do you think that happens? It certainly is not by osmosis, it is through the extremely dried out and weary hands, back, knees, ankles and wrists of your truly.
I hate to disappoint, but I was NOT put on this planet to spend the entirety of my free time cleaning, tidying, scrubbing, mopping, sweeping, washing, disinfecting and laundering after you fine fella's. Say it ain't so, I know I know....but I am quite certain I have meaning other than to be on call for you....so suck it up little campers or else big Momma's gonna have a melt down. Please consider the following:
I too, work.
FULL TIME.
I too, have demands outside of work.
FULL TIME.
I play taxicab, banker/ATM machine & accountant, doer and be-er of all things to all people who need me.
I am not a martyr, I'm just not the maid. Millions of women face this same issue and it's total bullshit if you ask me. Sorry, I can't just lie down and pretend like it's ok that our cuture still propegates the idea that men are men and women are handy little bitch-slaves. NO THANKS. This is also not to disrespect the hard working industry that keeps people who can afford it in a clean home. CHEERS TO YOU. But at home, I'm not the maid. sorry!
You can pick up after yourself, you can..I PROMISE! A little effort goes a long way. Please take this under consideration and act accordingly. Otherwise, ye shall see a sharp decline in pleasant and accommodating attitude and an equally sharp INCLINE of 'do it your damn self' and the clear, but undeniable shape of my middle finger. I love you men very much, but let me please let me remind you once more in case your short term memory problems are prohibiting my message from coming through loud and clear....
I AM NOT THE MAID.
Wipe it up.
If you trip, kick or fall over it.....
Pick it up and put it where it goes.
If it is used to eat or drink out of or from.....
Make an attempt to get it near the KITCHEN sink.
I don't care if it's not your mess.....PICK IT UP!
Do you think I scrub the bathtubs and toilet's after your stinky butts for the sheer joy of it?
It is not necessary to touch every surface as you walk by it....
Your hands are filthy, please keep them to yourself.
Contrary to popular belief, wet towels do not belong on the bed or the floor....
They have a home, in the bathroom where they go to dry and regenerate themselves
for the next time they are used to wipe down your sweaty, dirty bodies.
Recently science has discovered a useful tool devised and utilized by prehistoric man when transporting garments to be washed...
It's called a LAUNDRY BASKET.
When you leave a room....
Turn the light off. We are facing an energy crisis people!
FLUSH THE FREAKING TOILET. Please, please....for petesake...flush the toilet.
As an added bonus, you can wash your hands too! Wooopppppppeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
The refrigerator is intended to keep foods cool for long term use...
Not as a receptacle for empty cartons or half eaten apples sitting on a shelf.
Everyone has very busy lives, with demanding schedules and daily routines that require everyone to be on task....
You are not the only one and you too, must make the time to contribute to the household.
If something needs to be done....
Don't waste everyone's valuable time complaining or procrastinating, JUST FREAKING DO IT!
Seriously...that's it, JUST DO IT.
Very simple.
And finally....
I am not the maid.
This is a difficult concept for many of you to understand because things just magically 'get done.' Guess what little darlings? How do you think that happens? It certainly is not by osmosis, it is through the extremely dried out and weary hands, back, knees, ankles and wrists of your truly.
I hate to disappoint, but I was NOT put on this planet to spend the entirety of my free time cleaning, tidying, scrubbing, mopping, sweeping, washing, disinfecting and laundering after you fine fella's. Say it ain't so, I know I know....but I am quite certain I have meaning other than to be on call for you....so suck it up little campers or else big Momma's gonna have a melt down. Please consider the following:
I too, work.
FULL TIME.
I too, have demands outside of work.
FULL TIME.
I play taxicab, banker/ATM machine & accountant, doer and be-er of all things to all people who need me.
I am not a martyr, I'm just not the maid. Millions of women face this same issue and it's total bullshit if you ask me. Sorry, I can't just lie down and pretend like it's ok that our cuture still propegates the idea that men are men and women are handy little bitch-slaves. NO THANKS. This is also not to disrespect the hard working industry that keeps people who can afford it in a clean home. CHEERS TO YOU. But at home, I'm not the maid. sorry!
You can pick up after yourself, you can..I PROMISE! A little effort goes a long way. Please take this under consideration and act accordingly. Otherwise, ye shall see a sharp decline in pleasant and accommodating attitude and an equally sharp INCLINE of 'do it your damn self' and the clear, but undeniable shape of my middle finger. I love you men very much, but let me please let me remind you once more in case your short term memory problems are prohibiting my message from coming through loud and clear....
I AM NOT THE MAID.
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
BURP Oh, Excuse Me!
YUM. I just ate some junk food, kettle chips. A whole bag (only 16 oz., not too bad) went pretty quick. Mmm, salt. Carbs. Salt. Carbs. Mmmmmmm. I wonder if the vending machine has any kettle chips?
Drat. This can only mean one thing! HORMONES! PMS. WOO HOO. This means I get to spend the next couple of days devouring everything in site, crying, feeling overly tired and like everyone hates me, talking to myself in the mirror in an attempt to fend of any impending migraine pain and yet more eating! Hey, at least the eating part isn't so bad. I generally use it as an excuse to eat what I want, because I've earned the right to much out once in a while. It's my consolitation prize dammit!
So life is pretty dandy, I am finally getting some time to work on the yard. Friday afternoon, I have a date with Kristen to go flower shopping and I'm going to get a crash course in "Landscaping 101." I have a vision for my yard and while it may take some time achieve, perhaps even a few years, it's going to be worth it in the end. Plus, C brought me home a sooprize for my garden! It's a fairy, hiding under a mushroom. I love it, so cute. C and I were joking about the falic nature of mushrooms and this fairy seems quite infatuated with her mushroom. I wonder if anyone else will get that vibe from it or if it's just us:)
Darn, no kettle chips in the vending machine. Lots of chocolate and cheetos. Hmmmmmm, chocolate. To bad there's no peanut brittle, they should put peanut brittle in vending machines. Write your congressmen.
Work is busy as ever, except I am playing the waiting game with the client. In this particular case, I will have about 6 weeks to complete 3 projects varying in size from large to working-weekends mode, yet I do not have what i need from the client in order to proceed. They are waiting from their clients...muddled communication stream at best as you can see. Today, I am sitting here bouncing my knee in anticipating of the email that says "Here you go, now get moving woman!" Hurry up and wait. Jump when we say jump and not before! Ha ha, silly clients. What they don't know is that we are slowly, but very surely, preening and grooming these clients to behave like the rest of our companies clients. It will probably take a good year or more to really get them on the same kilter, it's taken them 7 years to become such misbehaved little children, it will take a while to whip that out of them. As much as I'd prefer not to go this route as I despise 'games', what I have learned is that sometimes I just have let them think it was their idea first and take the high road and move on. I'm not known for quality tech support for nothin' ya know!
Weekend is full of soccer games, one both days. Soccer takes up at least half the day, in this case all day on Sunday as we'll be driving to Fort Collins (2 hours or so from where we live) for a 1:30 game.
I have been watching aire fare online, I must say, it's quite cheap to fly if you are going the 'right' place at the 'right' time. Keeping Max's TN flight open ended is going to be expensive, but that's ok. He's worth it and he'll have a great time, I want it to be a comfortable experience for him. I've also been looking at concerts, I'd like to take him to a show this summer...but of course it has to be just the right one or else he'll get freaked.
There have been some wicked thunderstoms this past few days, I love spring rain in Colorado. It's so gorgeous and dramatic. Just my type!
Okkkkkkkkkaaaaaaaaaaaaay, I guess I'd better try to get some work done before the end of the day. But I am sort of stuck, I think being at home and playing Magic Match with a large bowl of kettle chips would be a much nicer way to spend my afternoon. Except after work we have tutoring and then a make up game at 5:45. Go Avalanche (Max's Soccer Team)
Oh...before I go, there's a great article in The Westword about censorship. Check it out.
Drat. This can only mean one thing! HORMONES! PMS. WOO HOO. This means I get to spend the next couple of days devouring everything in site, crying, feeling overly tired and like everyone hates me, talking to myself in the mirror in an attempt to fend of any impending migraine pain and yet more eating! Hey, at least the eating part isn't so bad. I generally use it as an excuse to eat what I want, because I've earned the right to much out once in a while. It's my consolitation prize dammit!
So life is pretty dandy, I am finally getting some time to work on the yard. Friday afternoon, I have a date with Kristen to go flower shopping and I'm going to get a crash course in "Landscaping 101." I have a vision for my yard and while it may take some time achieve, perhaps even a few years, it's going to be worth it in the end. Plus, C brought me home a sooprize for my garden! It's a fairy, hiding under a mushroom. I love it, so cute. C and I were joking about the falic nature of mushrooms and this fairy seems quite infatuated with her mushroom. I wonder if anyone else will get that vibe from it or if it's just us:)
Darn, no kettle chips in the vending machine. Lots of chocolate and cheetos. Hmmmmmm, chocolate. To bad there's no peanut brittle, they should put peanut brittle in vending machines. Write your congressmen.
Work is busy as ever, except I am playing the waiting game with the client. In this particular case, I will have about 6 weeks to complete 3 projects varying in size from large to working-weekends mode, yet I do not have what i need from the client in order to proceed. They are waiting from their clients...muddled communication stream at best as you can see. Today, I am sitting here bouncing my knee in anticipating of the email that says "Here you go, now get moving woman!" Hurry up and wait. Jump when we say jump and not before! Ha ha, silly clients. What they don't know is that we are slowly, but very surely, preening and grooming these clients to behave like the rest of our companies clients. It will probably take a good year or more to really get them on the same kilter, it's taken them 7 years to become such misbehaved little children, it will take a while to whip that out of them. As much as I'd prefer not to go this route as I despise 'games', what I have learned is that sometimes I just have let them think it was their idea first and take the high road and move on. I'm not known for quality tech support for nothin' ya know!
Weekend is full of soccer games, one both days. Soccer takes up at least half the day, in this case all day on Sunday as we'll be driving to Fort Collins (2 hours or so from where we live) for a 1:30 game.
I have been watching aire fare online, I must say, it's quite cheap to fly if you are going the 'right' place at the 'right' time. Keeping Max's TN flight open ended is going to be expensive, but that's ok. He's worth it and he'll have a great time, I want it to be a comfortable experience for him. I've also been looking at concerts, I'd like to take him to a show this summer...but of course it has to be just the right one or else he'll get freaked.
There have been some wicked thunderstoms this past few days, I love spring rain in Colorado. It's so gorgeous and dramatic. Just my type!
Okkkkkkkkkaaaaaaaaaaaaay, I guess I'd better try to get some work done before the end of the day. But I am sort of stuck, I think being at home and playing Magic Match with a large bowl of kettle chips would be a much nicer way to spend my afternoon. Except after work we have tutoring and then a make up game at 5:45. Go Avalanche (Max's Soccer Team)
Oh...before I go, there's a great article in The Westword about censorship. Check it out.
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
A Sadness....
The title of this blog may be misleading, life is great. Truly, I feel like maybe I've bounced back from a period of difficulty and it feels great. I enjoy the idea that perhaps life continues to bring more upswing and positivity and less downtrodden difficulty. But I will take each day as it graces me for I feel lucky just to be alive today, something I sense I should hold closer to my heart when I am having drama over irrilevant issues.
I learned today that I couple I've been friends with upwards of 8 years is seperating. This couple has experienced many an up and down and recently married, within the past 2 years. Now they are seperating and apparently divorce is inevidable.
This news is incredibley saddening to me, I can't stop thinking about it. I am rather close to them both in different ways and I know my friendship with them as individuals outside of their couple-dom will not cease. But my heart aches with the idea that it's just not working out for them. Through all adversity and obstacle, I thought they would be the ones to make it. If only because they'd only come through some much already. I know it is a painful split for them as well and one is moving out of state, so I think that may help a little where in years past they were not able to have real difinative (sorry no spell checker at the moment) space from one another. But honestly, I have shed tears over this news and it's difficult for me to understand why I am so deeply and profoundly rocked by this information.
I care for them both very much and have known them long enough to know that this is a case of love that is real, but perhaps not meant for this life time or time in each of their respective lives. They are both incredibley strong and I know they will come through this having learned a great deal about themselves, I also know that this may not be the 'end' for them as I've seen it happen off and on now for the entirity of my friendship with them.
Possibely my heart mourns for the very idea that a love I've always seen as a triumphant one, has faltered and leaving it's pariticpants in the dust. It has burst my happy little bubble a little, made me say to myself...this CAN happen to all of us at any moment and while taking each day as it is and being greatful for it, I can't help but feel a bit forlorn about the fact that some of my closest and dearest friends are facing this after all they have been through and all the potential within their future.
I totally respect this decision, I do not want it to come across as if I am somehow laying blame on either of them. I know them both well enough to know this decision has not come easily and only after much thorough thought and meditation on the issue.
But it still makes me sad.
Feeling myself wondering alot about 'love' and how people like my Grandparents who have been married for over 50 years make it that long and then people who you KNOW have an undeniable connection have to leave it after only a few years of marriage.
Don't mean to be a downer....I fully subscribe the idea of fate and that destiny is an actual thing. I do not believe in a single 'soul mate', however, but that there are many we might cross paths with that we find a connection that may last a life time, it may not.
I also know better than to let this totally burst through my own happiness with Chance, I am often easily influenced by the world around me and can let it mold my emotional state. I cannot do that in this particular situation because Chance and I have reached a place that feels very good to me, and even though I don't believe in a single soul mate...I'd say Chance is as close to one as I've ever found in a man and for this, I am happy. I like being happy, I like knowing this man and sharing our lives. I like that life feels good for us. Nothing is perfect, neither are we...nor are we any better from any other couple...we are just us, for now and in this place and that's ok with me.
I will stand and support my friends through this time and I will learn what I can from them. Mostly, and this is my ultimate bottom line, I love them both very very much and will be whatever I can be for them...my own issues aside, what matters to me now is letting them know that they are supported through whatever means are nessisary at this point. Somehow I suspect it will not be any time soon, but after the dust of summer chaos settles and moves have been made...I sense I will have to be strong and hold my faith in love for all things firmly within myself.
I learned today that I couple I've been friends with upwards of 8 years is seperating. This couple has experienced many an up and down and recently married, within the past 2 years. Now they are seperating and apparently divorce is inevidable.
This news is incredibley saddening to me, I can't stop thinking about it. I am rather close to them both in different ways and I know my friendship with them as individuals outside of their couple-dom will not cease. But my heart aches with the idea that it's just not working out for them. Through all adversity and obstacle, I thought they would be the ones to make it. If only because they'd only come through some much already. I know it is a painful split for them as well and one is moving out of state, so I think that may help a little where in years past they were not able to have real difinative (sorry no spell checker at the moment) space from one another. But honestly, I have shed tears over this news and it's difficult for me to understand why I am so deeply and profoundly rocked by this information.
I care for them both very much and have known them long enough to know that this is a case of love that is real, but perhaps not meant for this life time or time in each of their respective lives. They are both incredibley strong and I know they will come through this having learned a great deal about themselves, I also know that this may not be the 'end' for them as I've seen it happen off and on now for the entirity of my friendship with them.
Possibely my heart mourns for the very idea that a love I've always seen as a triumphant one, has faltered and leaving it's pariticpants in the dust. It has burst my happy little bubble a little, made me say to myself...this CAN happen to all of us at any moment and while taking each day as it is and being greatful for it, I can't help but feel a bit forlorn about the fact that some of my closest and dearest friends are facing this after all they have been through and all the potential within their future.
I totally respect this decision, I do not want it to come across as if I am somehow laying blame on either of them. I know them both well enough to know this decision has not come easily and only after much thorough thought and meditation on the issue.
But it still makes me sad.
Feeling myself wondering alot about 'love' and how people like my Grandparents who have been married for over 50 years make it that long and then people who you KNOW have an undeniable connection have to leave it after only a few years of marriage.
Don't mean to be a downer....I fully subscribe the idea of fate and that destiny is an actual thing. I do not believe in a single 'soul mate', however, but that there are many we might cross paths with that we find a connection that may last a life time, it may not.
I also know better than to let this totally burst through my own happiness with Chance, I am often easily influenced by the world around me and can let it mold my emotional state. I cannot do that in this particular situation because Chance and I have reached a place that feels very good to me, and even though I don't believe in a single soul mate...I'd say Chance is as close to one as I've ever found in a man and for this, I am happy. I like being happy, I like knowing this man and sharing our lives. I like that life feels good for us. Nothing is perfect, neither are we...nor are we any better from any other couple...we are just us, for now and in this place and that's ok with me.
I will stand and support my friends through this time and I will learn what I can from them. Mostly, and this is my ultimate bottom line, I love them both very very much and will be whatever I can be for them...my own issues aside, what matters to me now is letting them know that they are supported through whatever means are nessisary at this point. Somehow I suspect it will not be any time soon, but after the dust of summer chaos settles and moves have been made...I sense I will have to be strong and hold my faith in love for all things firmly within myself.
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