John Mayer - Wheel Lyrics
People have the right to fly
And when it gets compromised
Their hearts say "Move along"
Their minds say "Gotcha heart"
Let's move it along
Let's move it along
And airports
See it all the time
With someone's last goodbye
Blends in with someone's sigh
Cause someone's coming home
In hand a single rose
And that's the way this wheel keeps working now
That's the way this wheel keeps working now
And I won't be the last
No I won't be the last,
To love her
And you can't build a house of leaves
And live like it's an evergreen
It's just a season thing
It's just this thing that seasons do
And that's the way this wheel keeps working now
That's the way this wheel keeps working now
And you won't be the first
No you won't be the first
To love me
You can find me, if you ever want to give
I'll be around the bend
I'll be around the bend
I'll be around,
I'll be around
And if you never stop when you wave goodbye
You just might find if you give it time
You will wave hello again
You just might wave hello again
And that's the way this wheel keeps working now
That's the way this wheel keeps working now
You can't love too much, one part of it (repeat then fade)
I believe that my life's gonna see
The love I give
Return to me
I believe that my life's gonna see
The love I give
Return to me
I believe that my life's gonna see
The love I give
Return to me [repeat 1x]
YouTube = Wheel John Mayer
Monday, December 31, 2007
Friday, December 28, 2007
Holiday Update
mmmmmm, someone is making fresh coffee in the kitchen at my office. Smells delish, alas, I haven't had coffee in quite some time but even if I wanted it, I'm cut off. I am no longer allowed coffee, tea or other caffeinated beverages until my next check up. And no over the counter cold or sinus medications that aren't specifically for those with high blood pressure. No cigarettes (duh, nasty anyway!) and less salt (dammit!) and more exercise. High blood pressure is a bitch. Before anyone gets all up in arms and starts cussing me about my health, this was discovered when I went in for the antibiotics to kill this nasty crud I've had for weeks. But, the high blood pressure could also very well be a symptom of the Alports (the heditary kidney disease in my family which I have) progressing. My grandmother requires blood pressure meds and has since her late 30's. There's a certain amount I can do with diet, etc, but eventually, I'll probably have to start taking actual medications to lower my blood pressure. It's a known side effect in women. Guess that's not really any less alarming. Mostly, I just have to do what I'm doing and focus on getting well. On many levels.
Max is off w/ the grandparents for about a week. Not much to really say there, he'll come home with the usual attitude about chores and what not, but it will fade. He's getting a new bed this weekend, so I know he's looking forward to that.
Sans the raging upper respitory infection I have, our Holiday Break was nice together. Max seems happy with his gifts and I mostly rested and slept and avoided all things social if at all possible. Except I had a lovely dinner with Mary & Family, cut short by the hacking cough and my feeling of general nastiness. I also visited with H's family on Christmas Eve and that was fun, they are an interesting group. Matt's in the right spot, that's for sure. Good, nice girl. Can't go wrong there:) Anyway, I made it about 3/4's the way through that dinner and we had to go. After Helen and I spilled our drinks all over the place and made a mess like a couple of grammar schoolers. To bad, we couldn't blame it on Matt like usual :)
Mary & Howard totally spoiled me as always, maybe that new vacuum with the Hepa filter will filter all the nastiness out of my life! I LOVE LOVE LOVE the purse they got me, it's so cute and definitely me. She totally nailed it, I was impressed. Guess she knows me pretty well:) My aunty MB also sent this amazing piece of art that I can't wait to hang, which is good timing b/c after solstice/xmas decorations come down, I am totally revamping the placing of my art work and the general look and feel of my home. It's very scattered at the moment, I've not had the energy I guess. But I have just the place. Oh and the thoughtful wind chime that Matt & Helen got for me, I don't what it is about wind chimes. They just make me happy. The way they look and sound. Not high chimey ones, the lower, metal and wood tones. Anywhoozle, my home will be getting some thing like a make over in the coming months.
It's been snowing off and on here for over a week, we got like 15 or 20 inches out of these past two storms, I love it. Especially when I can be home in bed. Which I was on both days it went nuts outside. It's cold though, that bitter January/February air is settling in.
My internal thoughts are of great reflection with the New Year approaching. I keep thinking to this time last year and how unhappy I was, but I couldn't really see it yet. Though, this time last year we were buried in 3 feet of snow, so that part was ok:) There was also an event that occurred during this time last year that began tipping the scales between Chance and I in a major way and it sort of went down hill from there. Quickly. Man hindsight stings like a mother.
I think of how trying this year has been, how mostly there have been deep deep lows, but with those lows I am able to see how far I've already come from a pretty devastating experience. I still find myself filled with a certain kind of very strong emotion because of that man. The lies, the deceit, the total betrayal. My own inability to really clue in on the wool being pulled over my eyes and my own poor choices and how they will be affecting me for many many years to come. It does, upset me. Naturally. I still, just cannot grasp the concept of how someone can think it's ok to behave in such a manner and do absolutely nothing to rectify the situation. It boggles my mind, but I know that questioning the person I thought I knew and the person he actually is totally pointless. What comes out of my processing this information is mostly that while this year has been incredibly painful, it has also been undeniably the most educational in my life for some time. I think I learned some very core life pieces, important things that I may not have learned as a young woman for whatever reason. Mostly my personal strength, which faltered greatly during my time with Chance, and ability to persevere has been affirmed. I also realized that as we age, we aren't quite as resilient as we once were. Perhaps we feel we have more to loose, perhaps we are not as energetic or maybe it's just that with time, you are able to see forward in ways you can't when you are a young and inexperienced 20 something. I've emerged from this situation a far stronger individual than I went into it. I learned a lot, about love, about who you let into your life, about how easy it is to get lost in things that don't matter, about trust, compassion and humility. Let me not stutter on that word! H-U-M-I-L-I-T-Y!
Don't let me forget either, to mention the incredible support system I am surrounded by; which also became startlingly clear this year. This year, whether by choice or default, has narrowed my relationships down to the very select few who've always been there. Have loved and honored me and who I am. As a woman, as a mother, as a friend, as a loved one. Though my relationships have suffered, the healing is progressing. As am I :)
I could probably ramble on for hours, and may as the mood strikes, about this past year. It's been one for the record books, no doubt.
2008: It's going to take a lot of hard work, that work is just beginning. I envision this coming year being about continuing on my journey of growth, making attempts at it anyway. Filling up the all that's been drained from me. Financially, spiritually, physically. Tentatively, I know I'll begin to socialize again, though I don't know when or what that looks like. I am not sure I'll even have much time. I am happily surrounded by a loving group of people, I really don't have the energy or time to add to that pot any time soon, but I think at some point, I will begin branching out again. I'm just to extroverted not to, I like people. I like spending time with interesting new people. I enjoy doing things, going to movies and spending time outside. Alot of these were things that were hampered this past year and during my time in the oblivion. I totally lost myself. I predict that will change in 2008.
I also predict that this time next year, I will have grown another olive branch and I will be an even sweeter tree fruit than today.
Yay Tree Fruits:)
Max is off w/ the grandparents for about a week. Not much to really say there, he'll come home with the usual attitude about chores and what not, but it will fade. He's getting a new bed this weekend, so I know he's looking forward to that.
Sans the raging upper respitory infection I have, our Holiday Break was nice together. Max seems happy with his gifts and I mostly rested and slept and avoided all things social if at all possible. Except I had a lovely dinner with Mary & Family, cut short by the hacking cough and my feeling of general nastiness. I also visited with H's family on Christmas Eve and that was fun, they are an interesting group. Matt's in the right spot, that's for sure. Good, nice girl. Can't go wrong there:) Anyway, I made it about 3/4's the way through that dinner and we had to go. After Helen and I spilled our drinks all over the place and made a mess like a couple of grammar schoolers. To bad, we couldn't blame it on Matt like usual :)
Mary & Howard totally spoiled me as always, maybe that new vacuum with the Hepa filter will filter all the nastiness out of my life! I LOVE LOVE LOVE the purse they got me, it's so cute and definitely me. She totally nailed it, I was impressed. Guess she knows me pretty well:) My aunty MB also sent this amazing piece of art that I can't wait to hang, which is good timing b/c after solstice/xmas decorations come down, I am totally revamping the placing of my art work and the general look and feel of my home. It's very scattered at the moment, I've not had the energy I guess. But I have just the place. Oh and the thoughtful wind chime that Matt & Helen got for me, I don't what it is about wind chimes. They just make me happy. The way they look and sound. Not high chimey ones, the lower, metal and wood tones. Anywhoozle, my home will be getting some thing like a make over in the coming months.
It's been snowing off and on here for over a week, we got like 15 or 20 inches out of these past two storms, I love it. Especially when I can be home in bed. Which I was on both days it went nuts outside. It's cold though, that bitter January/February air is settling in.
My internal thoughts are of great reflection with the New Year approaching. I keep thinking to this time last year and how unhappy I was, but I couldn't really see it yet. Though, this time last year we were buried in 3 feet of snow, so that part was ok:) There was also an event that occurred during this time last year that began tipping the scales between Chance and I in a major way and it sort of went down hill from there. Quickly. Man hindsight stings like a mother.
I think of how trying this year has been, how mostly there have been deep deep lows, but with those lows I am able to see how far I've already come from a pretty devastating experience. I still find myself filled with a certain kind of very strong emotion because of that man. The lies, the deceit, the total betrayal. My own inability to really clue in on the wool being pulled over my eyes and my own poor choices and how they will be affecting me for many many years to come. It does, upset me. Naturally. I still, just cannot grasp the concept of how someone can think it's ok to behave in such a manner and do absolutely nothing to rectify the situation. It boggles my mind, but I know that questioning the person I thought I knew and the person he actually is totally pointless. What comes out of my processing this information is mostly that while this year has been incredibly painful, it has also been undeniably the most educational in my life for some time. I think I learned some very core life pieces, important things that I may not have learned as a young woman for whatever reason. Mostly my personal strength, which faltered greatly during my time with Chance, and ability to persevere has been affirmed. I also realized that as we age, we aren't quite as resilient as we once were. Perhaps we feel we have more to loose, perhaps we are not as energetic or maybe it's just that with time, you are able to see forward in ways you can't when you are a young and inexperienced 20 something. I've emerged from this situation a far stronger individual than I went into it. I learned a lot, about love, about who you let into your life, about how easy it is to get lost in things that don't matter, about trust, compassion and humility. Let me not stutter on that word! H-U-M-I-L-I-T-Y!
Don't let me forget either, to mention the incredible support system I am surrounded by; which also became startlingly clear this year. This year, whether by choice or default, has narrowed my relationships down to the very select few who've always been there. Have loved and honored me and who I am. As a woman, as a mother, as a friend, as a loved one. Though my relationships have suffered, the healing is progressing. As am I :)
I could probably ramble on for hours, and may as the mood strikes, about this past year. It's been one for the record books, no doubt.
2008: It's going to take a lot of hard work, that work is just beginning. I envision this coming year being about continuing on my journey of growth, making attempts at it anyway. Filling up the all that's been drained from me. Financially, spiritually, physically. Tentatively, I know I'll begin to socialize again, though I don't know when or what that looks like. I am not sure I'll even have much time. I am happily surrounded by a loving group of people, I really don't have the energy or time to add to that pot any time soon, but I think at some point, I will begin branching out again. I'm just to extroverted not to, I like people. I like spending time with interesting new people. I enjoy doing things, going to movies and spending time outside. Alot of these were things that were hampered this past year and during my time in the oblivion. I totally lost myself. I predict that will change in 2008.
I also predict that this time next year, I will have grown another olive branch and I will be an even sweeter tree fruit than today.
Yay Tree Fruits:)
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Happy Holidays!
Happy Holidays all. Please forgive my lack of phone calls and emails, I am quite ill this year and am taking it as easy as possible. I love you all.
Xo,
S
Xo,
S
Friday, December 21, 2007
Happy Yule!
Happy Solstice All!
It is time to celebrate the return of the sun's warmth and our many blessed loved ones!
Love you to all:)
It is time to celebrate the return of the sun's warmth and our many blessed loved ones!
Love you to all:)
http://www.circlesanctuary.org/pholidays/SolsticeArticle.html
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Kind of yuck today
I'm a little yuck today, both physically and emotionally. I've got a cold of sorts I think, sinus thing maybe. It's either going to get a lot worse or a lot better, I'm just letting it take it's course and drinking gallons of water and orange juice and taking my EmergenC, which actually does seem to have an affect on the severity and length of my colds. A free commercial for the makers of EmergenC.
Emotionally, I'm a little run down I think because the holidays are a time for friends and family and I feel incredibly isolated at the moment. Which isn't a negative thing necessarily as solitude has been my preference these past months. However, I feel a slight tug on the heart strings as my inner circle provides me with the details about their plans for the long holiday weekend, which mostly involved a lot of time with their significant others and their families. This year, Max and I will be spending time with Mary & Howard as is our tradition and that will be quite enjoyable and I am feel allot of joy about the idea that hits holiday season will be very, very quiet for us. Consider that the previous year was not so great for me, it wasn't terrible, but it was filled with a fair amount of turmoil and unhappiness in my home. The previous year before that we were moving into the house and I had a houseful of people, who, quite frankly, were not exactly respectful of the fact that Chance and I just moved into our first house together and essentially spent the entire weekend partying at my house while I was trying to move in and get my house set up. I participated one of those nights for sure, we had lots of fun, but I know I felt pretty frustrated with everyone by the time it was all said and done. Including Chance. So, to say that I am NOT looking forward to a quiet weekend ahead would be a lie and it pleases me that it will be just Max and I. On many levels, Max and I are still working to regain some time that has been lost between us and I am happy for that. I feel no envy for all the hustle and bustle I see about me, my minimal shopping is done, my cards are sent and I won't be going from house to house trying to squeeze in time with everyone. Max and I will be mostly at home and that idea, does sit quite well with me.
What does sting a little, is that as I watch the world in chaos around me, I'm left wondering what it is that prompts such feelings of loneliness and the not so great kind of isolation I've been feeling these past few weeks. Sometimes I think Holidays are designed to serve as reminder of all the things you don't have, or the things society wants you to feel guilty for not having. And the reality is that your close friends and families do have their own lives. Max and I have been invited to a number of 'orphan' Christmas Eve & Christmas day parties. Maybe we'll go, I'll consult with Max. We aren't orphans, but are, in some ways too. And I'm going to stop feeling yucky, b/c I there is so much to be thankful for this year! So very very much, more than in years past it seems. Becuase this year, I have my sanity, my amazing family and close close friend AND while I may feel depressed and lonely, it makes sense and it's ok and I can honor that and let it be what it is.
I also know that I am feeling a bit of cabin fever at home and that might have something to do with the funk. Don't mistake this comment as lack of love for my baby, but he is, TOTALLY driving me up the wall this past week. He's not being nasty or negative or difficult at all. No, it's the opposite - he just wants to 'play' with me. All the time. I MEAN ALL the time. It is much like having a 2 year old at the moment. By this I mean that he essentially doesn't seem interested in doing anything but hanging out at home, with me and thus, seems to expect me to entertain him. Which while I appreciate the time with him dearly and of anyone, I'd prefer time with him, but I also enjoy some level of physical space on occasion and he seems quite offended when I ask for it. I am doing my best to enjoy this time with him because I know it's bound to change eventually, but I sometimes get the feeling that he's purposefully following me around the house and throwing his pillow at me and trying to tickle me and teasing me relentlessly to get a rise out of me and nothing more. Perhaps, because he is bored and finds me entertaining. Again, this behavior seems pretty juvenile and I can't quite put my finger on it, but I think also think he's feeling extra clingy lately, maybe because he just wants to feel like everything is solid. So I can do that, but have you ever tried to read a book with your 6'2" teenager peering over your shoulder and snapping his gum? Or, take a bath or shower with him knocking on the door and wanting to know when I'll be done b/c he has a question for me? Or trying to hang out with him and watch a movie, yet the entire time he's kicking and poking me with his toes. And those nasty toenails?
This probably all sounds hilarious and your wondering what's the big deal? It's been this way for months, it's not new. The short of it is that I think I need a little adult time. OUTSIDE of the house. With actual people. AND Max, needs to go do dude things with kids his age. This will all happen soon enough, I know. So I'll enjoy this weekend while he pokes at me the entire time and doesn't give me a moments rest unless he's sleeping :)
Emotionally, I'm a little run down I think because the holidays are a time for friends and family and I feel incredibly isolated at the moment. Which isn't a negative thing necessarily as solitude has been my preference these past months. However, I feel a slight tug on the heart strings as my inner circle provides me with the details about their plans for the long holiday weekend, which mostly involved a lot of time with their significant others and their families. This year, Max and I will be spending time with Mary & Howard as is our tradition and that will be quite enjoyable and I am feel allot of joy about the idea that hits holiday season will be very, very quiet for us. Consider that the previous year was not so great for me, it wasn't terrible, but it was filled with a fair amount of turmoil and unhappiness in my home. The previous year before that we were moving into the house and I had a houseful of people, who, quite frankly, were not exactly respectful of the fact that Chance and I just moved into our first house together and essentially spent the entire weekend partying at my house while I was trying to move in and get my house set up. I participated one of those nights for sure, we had lots of fun, but I know I felt pretty frustrated with everyone by the time it was all said and done. Including Chance. So, to say that I am NOT looking forward to a quiet weekend ahead would be a lie and it pleases me that it will be just Max and I. On many levels, Max and I are still working to regain some time that has been lost between us and I am happy for that. I feel no envy for all the hustle and bustle I see about me, my minimal shopping is done, my cards are sent and I won't be going from house to house trying to squeeze in time with everyone. Max and I will be mostly at home and that idea, does sit quite well with me.
What does sting a little, is that as I watch the world in chaos around me, I'm left wondering what it is that prompts such feelings of loneliness and the not so great kind of isolation I've been feeling these past few weeks. Sometimes I think Holidays are designed to serve as reminder of all the things you don't have, or the things society wants you to feel guilty for not having. And the reality is that your close friends and families do have their own lives. Max and I have been invited to a number of 'orphan' Christmas Eve & Christmas day parties. Maybe we'll go, I'll consult with Max. We aren't orphans, but are, in some ways too. And I'm going to stop feeling yucky, b/c I there is so much to be thankful for this year! So very very much, more than in years past it seems. Becuase this year, I have my sanity, my amazing family and close close friend AND while I may feel depressed and lonely, it makes sense and it's ok and I can honor that and let it be what it is.
I also know that I am feeling a bit of cabin fever at home and that might have something to do with the funk. Don't mistake this comment as lack of love for my baby, but he is, TOTALLY driving me up the wall this past week. He's not being nasty or negative or difficult at all. No, it's the opposite - he just wants to 'play' with me. All the time. I MEAN ALL the time. It is much like having a 2 year old at the moment. By this I mean that he essentially doesn't seem interested in doing anything but hanging out at home, with me and thus, seems to expect me to entertain him. Which while I appreciate the time with him dearly and of anyone, I'd prefer time with him, but I also enjoy some level of physical space on occasion and he seems quite offended when I ask for it. I am doing my best to enjoy this time with him because I know it's bound to change eventually, but I sometimes get the feeling that he's purposefully following me around the house and throwing his pillow at me and trying to tickle me and teasing me relentlessly to get a rise out of me and nothing more. Perhaps, because he is bored and finds me entertaining. Again, this behavior seems pretty juvenile and I can't quite put my finger on it, but I think also think he's feeling extra clingy lately, maybe because he just wants to feel like everything is solid. So I can do that, but have you ever tried to read a book with your 6'2" teenager peering over your shoulder and snapping his gum? Or, take a bath or shower with him knocking on the door and wanting to know when I'll be done b/c he has a question for me? Or trying to hang out with him and watch a movie, yet the entire time he's kicking and poking me with his toes. And those nasty toenails?
This probably all sounds hilarious and your wondering what's the big deal? It's been this way for months, it's not new. The short of it is that I think I need a little adult time. OUTSIDE of the house. With actual people. AND Max, needs to go do dude things with kids his age. This will all happen soon enough, I know. So I'll enjoy this weekend while he pokes at me the entire time and doesn't give me a moments rest unless he's sleeping :)
Monday, December 17, 2007
I Just Thought Of Something....
Oh.....I DID manage to get Christmas cards out before it was too late. This may seem minor, but it is a feat I am quite proud of as I've not been able to make that happen in at least 3 years. I am such a good good Tree Fruit and I know my Conlee clan will be especially proud of me and I will earn mega brownie points for doing so.
Yay Me!
Ok, that's SOMETHING positive I accomplished this past week.
WOO HOO!
Yay Me!
Ok, that's SOMETHING positive I accomplished this past week.
WOO HOO!
Not Much On This Side Of The Planet....
Nothing much to report, nothing eventful really going on. Had kind of a rough day on Saturday, I saw K & S for an early breakfeast at Lucille's (oh man, creole food rocks!) and got some news that sort of startled me and threw me into a funk for most of the rest of the day. It was that kind of day when I could've really used a hug or a little comfort, but it just wasn't in the stars. Max and I consulted Deep Thought (So Long & Thanks For All The Fish! http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0371724/quotes) and rented Shrek The Third, which was totally uplifting. I must have them all on DVD, I'm sure they'll release a box set now.
Sunday we went out for breakfast and off to "I Am Legend" as I've been promising Max for at least 2 weeks. After a few failed attempts to reschedule with M & H, I figured they were probably pissed at me so Max and I planned our day accordingly. M will enjoy the movie very much, Will Smith aint' bad to look at either, so it's got something for everyone I guess:) I won't give it away, but I do think it was typical Hollywood cliché' hooplah, but for the kind of movie that it was, it wasn't the worst way I could spend an hour and a half. Plus, Max loved it. So that's what really counts.
Back is really hurting today, I kind of messed it up last week. I've been read the riot act by my physician to loose 20 lbs before my next physical in April 2008. She claims I will feel a lot better for doing so that and that 4 months is plenty of time to do it in. Yeah, yeah. Ok fine. I'm tired of feeling like a stranger in my own body anyway.
Really looking forward to this coming weekend, nice long weekend. Nothing planned, except dinner with Mary & Howard. Otherwise, Max and I will be spending a quiet, warm and comfy holiday together just he and I. New Years is rapidly approaching also, not sure what I'll be doing for that. Max will be at his grandparents, it may just be another day. Who knows. I have to work on News Year's Eve day which seems ridiculous, my company didn't think that one out very well me thinks. Oh well. I won't be going out, I know that for sure. News Year is amateaur night in Denver, so I'll pass there. If I do go anywhere, I'll be staying there. But who knows, I may just take the night to chill at home and be in stillness. I may also be ready to cut it a little loose, I've not been out in a long long time.
splah. ho hum. I feel like Eeyore today kind of, can you tell?
Sunday we went out for breakfast and off to "I Am Legend" as I've been promising Max for at least 2 weeks. After a few failed attempts to reschedule with M & H, I figured they were probably pissed at me so Max and I planned our day accordingly. M will enjoy the movie very much, Will Smith aint' bad to look at either, so it's got something for everyone I guess:) I won't give it away, but I do think it was typical Hollywood cliché' hooplah, but for the kind of movie that it was, it wasn't the worst way I could spend an hour and a half. Plus, Max loved it. So that's what really counts.
Back is really hurting today, I kind of messed it up last week. I've been read the riot act by my physician to loose 20 lbs before my next physical in April 2008. She claims I will feel a lot better for doing so that and that 4 months is plenty of time to do it in. Yeah, yeah. Ok fine. I'm tired of feeling like a stranger in my own body anyway.
Really looking forward to this coming weekend, nice long weekend. Nothing planned, except dinner with Mary & Howard. Otherwise, Max and I will be spending a quiet, warm and comfy holiday together just he and I. New Years is rapidly approaching also, not sure what I'll be doing for that. Max will be at his grandparents, it may just be another day. Who knows. I have to work on News Year's Eve day which seems ridiculous, my company didn't think that one out very well me thinks. Oh well. I won't be going out, I know that for sure. News Year is amateaur night in Denver, so I'll pass there. If I do go anywhere, I'll be staying there. But who knows, I may just take the night to chill at home and be in stillness. I may also be ready to cut it a little loose, I've not been out in a long long time.
splah. ho hum. I feel like Eeyore today kind of, can you tell?
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Good Morning!
What a gorgeous snowy morning! Driving in the weather is a lot easier with proper tires, now isn't it? One might think by now that would be second nature, living in Wisconsin and Colorado for most of my life, but let me remind you that no matter what type of car you have, new tires are costly. My drive was fairly low stress for this kind of snowy morning in Colorado, one where the side roads require you to travel 1/2 to 1/3 the normal speed and the high ways move at a crawl, even with all those horrid chemicals they lay down to melt the snow. The drive home may be a bit more challenging, we are expected to get another 3 - 6" at work and 5 - 10" on my side of town. I suspect they'll let us out early.
I'm fighting a bit of an internal work issue and am not quite sure how to handle it. It's a long complicated story but it has to do with a web admin who's girlfriend is about to have their first (and unplanned) baby and the amount of work unfairly thrust upon him before he takes leave and my being told to redirect an issue back on him that he wasn't able to handle adequately, but some how now I am taking the heat for it not being completed properly. Even though I communicated the detail to both my supervisor AND the web admin quite clearly, but my supervisor insisted I put it back on his plate. I may just end up eating it on this one, taking one for the team as it were. Oh well, there are worst things in life then letting something go that I can't control, right?
Last night I spent some time considering my long term professional goals. My heart is speaking wildly to me about giving my time and energies to the environment and the protection of animals. It feels stronger all the time and my dilemma is that I cannot quite determine what that really means or what to do with it? Would I work directly with neglected and abused animals? Can I really work with animals who have been abused? My emotional capacity may not be strong enough to withstand that on a regular basis. My heart is so sensitive to suffering, it engulfs me and fills me with grief as if I were experiencing it myself. Could I work patiently with pet owners to educate them about how to better care for their pets? That's a huge part of advocacy for the SPCA, besides the protection of these animals that need help, it's also working with their families to teach them how to better meet the needs of their companion and/or farm animals. I don't know if I can be in direct contact with those accused of abusing their animals, though working to bring them to justice seems part of the job and I think it's something I'd have to learn to deal with it. And how can I also advocate for the protection of the environment and educate the government about ways in which we can cohabitate with the earth and not continue to steadily defile it?
Sometimes I feel like an 18 year old, facing my options like it is an open book and really, it IS an open book. I'll take it, there is something exceptional about this time for me. I have committed myself to some short term goals, but the longer term ones...what I do in 3 - 5 years from now, seems wide open and that's pretty exciting stuff!
I'm fighting a bit of an internal work issue and am not quite sure how to handle it. It's a long complicated story but it has to do with a web admin who's girlfriend is about to have their first (and unplanned) baby and the amount of work unfairly thrust upon him before he takes leave and my being told to redirect an issue back on him that he wasn't able to handle adequately, but some how now I am taking the heat for it not being completed properly. Even though I communicated the detail to both my supervisor AND the web admin quite clearly, but my supervisor insisted I put it back on his plate. I may just end up eating it on this one, taking one for the team as it were. Oh well, there are worst things in life then letting something go that I can't control, right?
Last night I spent some time considering my long term professional goals. My heart is speaking wildly to me about giving my time and energies to the environment and the protection of animals. It feels stronger all the time and my dilemma is that I cannot quite determine what that really means or what to do with it? Would I work directly with neglected and abused animals? Can I really work with animals who have been abused? My emotional capacity may not be strong enough to withstand that on a regular basis. My heart is so sensitive to suffering, it engulfs me and fills me with grief as if I were experiencing it myself. Could I work patiently with pet owners to educate them about how to better care for their pets? That's a huge part of advocacy for the SPCA, besides the protection of these animals that need help, it's also working with their families to teach them how to better meet the needs of their companion and/or farm animals. I don't know if I can be in direct contact with those accused of abusing their animals, though working to bring them to justice seems part of the job and I think it's something I'd have to learn to deal with it. And how can I also advocate for the protection of the environment and educate the government about ways in which we can cohabitate with the earth and not continue to steadily defile it?
Sometimes I feel like an 18 year old, facing my options like it is an open book and really, it IS an open book. I'll take it, there is something exceptional about this time for me. I have committed myself to some short term goals, but the longer term ones...what I do in 3 - 5 years from now, seems wide open and that's pretty exciting stuff!
Monday, December 10, 2007
Quote From "For One More Day"
"A child who is ashamed of his mother hasn't lived long enough."
So true, isn't it. Rang so to me anyhow.
So true, isn't it. Rang so to me anyhow.
Ha ha - YOU SUCK VICK!
That'll teach you, you smarmy little bastard.
http://blog.peta.org/archives/vick/
The basic rule for the knuckleheads out there who can't figure it out on their own is if you wouldn't do it to a human, don't even consider doing it to an animal. EVER. What you put those dogs through is nothing short of an absolute atrocity. How you thought you could get away with being so awful to one of this earth's great creatures is beyond me. Dogs are kind, loyal and loving animals that we humans have domesticated for various reasons, with that we have a great responsibility to these animals. You are lucky your only going to prison. If I were that judge you'd spend some time in the pit with those very dogs you trained to maul and kill one another. Or how about with a pack of starving, feral dogs who's owners abandoned them? Though, from what I hear, prison won't be much kinder to you. Except that you are a football star, so you'll probably get away with murder in there too, but that's another issue all together and I'll leave that argument for another day.
If I believed in hell, I'd remind you that there is probably a special place there for humans who do awful things to beings of such innocence and loyalty. The same goes for child molesters and rapists. Some might say comparing animal abusers and neglecters to child molesters overly harsh, not to me. You are dealing with a complete innocent, when you take that into your hands it is your responsibility to be kind and compassionate, not violent and hateful. There is nothing you could say that would justify hanging an animal from a tree, simply because it did not meet your 'criteria.' Nothing. Ever.
All the while you were pumping up yourself as a "man" and taking pleasure in teaching those poor dogs to rip each other's throats out; how it excited you to see them go at it after being starved half to death, like some mini-gladiator event, you were sealing your fate as a monster. Regardless of the fact that you are getting off easy IMO, at the very least your image has been tarnished past the point of recovery. It's a start and it is my hope that this will serve as a strong warning, if not maybe a deterrent to the rest of you little (expletive) that think it's funny or entertaining to abuse and neglect animals, animals you've brought into your care and are now your responsibility, only to turn on them and toy with their lives.
I hope your prison terms serves you well. I would never condone violence, but the darker side of me would not object to a little street justice in this situation. Along with the other offenders I've listed in this rant, you and people like you who do things like this to any form of innocence should not go unpunished and simply getting your ass beat down is merely small penance for the lives of at least 6 dogs, but he rage this puts into me makes me understand why people beat the living crap out of each other.
http://blog.peta.org/archives/vick/
The basic rule for the knuckleheads out there who can't figure it out on their own is if you wouldn't do it to a human, don't even consider doing it to an animal. EVER. What you put those dogs through is nothing short of an absolute atrocity. How you thought you could get away with being so awful to one of this earth's great creatures is beyond me. Dogs are kind, loyal and loving animals that we humans have domesticated for various reasons, with that we have a great responsibility to these animals. You are lucky your only going to prison. If I were that judge you'd spend some time in the pit with those very dogs you trained to maul and kill one another. Or how about with a pack of starving, feral dogs who's owners abandoned them? Though, from what I hear, prison won't be much kinder to you. Except that you are a football star, so you'll probably get away with murder in there too, but that's another issue all together and I'll leave that argument for another day.
If I believed in hell, I'd remind you that there is probably a special place there for humans who do awful things to beings of such innocence and loyalty. The same goes for child molesters and rapists. Some might say comparing animal abusers and neglecters to child molesters overly harsh, not to me. You are dealing with a complete innocent, when you take that into your hands it is your responsibility to be kind and compassionate, not violent and hateful. There is nothing you could say that would justify hanging an animal from a tree, simply because it did not meet your 'criteria.' Nothing. Ever.
All the while you were pumping up yourself as a "man" and taking pleasure in teaching those poor dogs to rip each other's throats out; how it excited you to see them go at it after being starved half to death, like some mini-gladiator event, you were sealing your fate as a monster. Regardless of the fact that you are getting off easy IMO, at the very least your image has been tarnished past the point of recovery. It's a start and it is my hope that this will serve as a strong warning, if not maybe a deterrent to the rest of you little (expletive) that think it's funny or entertaining to abuse and neglect animals, animals you've brought into your care and are now your responsibility, only to turn on them and toy with their lives.
I hope your prison terms serves you well. I would never condone violence, but the darker side of me would not object to a little street justice in this situation. Along with the other offenders I've listed in this rant, you and people like you who do things like this to any form of innocence should not go unpunished and simply getting your ass beat down is merely small penance for the lives of at least 6 dogs, but he rage this puts into me makes me understand why people beat the living crap out of each other.
Weekend Recap 12/07 - 12/09 2007
Friday Night:
My company holiday party, what a fun night! It's good to spend time with your coworkers out of the office and cut it loose a little, 109 in all with family was our turn out. That's pretty massive for our little office, but when you consider all the kids ands partners, it grows quickly. The snow came in about 7ish though and that got some of us moving sooner rather than later. Max and I were home by 9, happy and content with the nights festivities.
Saturday:
It snowed. All day. And was cold, bitterly cold actually. Max and I are broke folk so we weren't able to make to H's bday party, which is a drag, but I think my friends understand. So, we mostly just watched movies, napped and pushed Kasha outside to use the potty occasionally. Snow does not a happy Kasha make, though she's getting better. Gaia, on the other hand, seems eager to be outside until she takes those first tentative steps through the wetness to determine it's depth and finds that she's in over her head. Silly kitty. We watched Pirates Of The Caribbean: At World's End, which I highly recommend of course. I *heart* Johnny Depp, I love that he's a little effeminate and completely off his rocker in his character as Captain Jack Sparrow. It just makes me desire him all the more:) It doesn't matter that he's 13 years my senior, not at all!
Sunday:
Something about below freezing temps and steadily falling snow makes sleep an incredibly comfortable place to be. Waking up doesn't seem necessary when your all snuggled up. Max and I fell asleep together on the couch down stairs Saturday night in a mountain of blankets, pillows and sleeping bags. Kind of a sleep over with Kasha and Gaia wrapped up in the middle of all of it somewhere. Kasha was in a state of total bliss, she kept making her noises and stretching and peeking out at us from under the covers. Max was feeling quite cuddly that night, he's a strange one sometimes. Leave me alone, love me. Go away, I hate you...come hug me, I love you. ???? Oh well, I love him no matter how strange he is:) And he I, so it works out. We slept until roughly 10 am and awoke to yet more snow and a really cold morning.
Made breakfast, have convinced Max that turkey sausage is a fine compromise between pork sausage (blech) and my veggie sausage (which he refuses to even consider eating) and we spent most of the morning munching, reading the paper (poor paper boy!) and throwing Kasha out in the snow against her wishes. We are mean parents!
Turned on the tube to watch Jericho per M's suggestion (Not convinced on that one yet M, it's a little too tv drama for my taste though the Skeet Ulrich I can handle!) and had it on CNN only to discover the church shootings, less than 3 miles from where I live. As I am trying to find out more info on this, movie time is postponed and the shootings in Co Springs occur as I'm searching the net for more information on the Arvada shootings from the previous night. Sigh. I don't really know what to say except that it is very sad, but I am not totally surprised any more. I really don't understand people in this world sometimes, I don't understand how someone can take the life of another so casually. That's someone's child! It is horrifying, but I know it happens every day, across the planet. Yet, you could flip through every cable news channel last night and this story was pretty much the main one of the day. Is it any less shocking to us when a mosque is bombed in Iraq and 19 people are murdered? Or another 50 thousand people are forced into refugee camps in Sudan (Darfur) and of those 50 thousand, at least half are not expected to survive due to starvation and if they do survive what will they look forward to? Or a plane crashes somewhere and all on board die? Sometimes I think I've become increasingly callous through these past years and that weighs on me. After 911 and now a war in which the human cost at the hands of American's is more than I can stomach to consider to deeply. The number of shootings in schools (in my own backyard, more than once) and the men who murder their pregnant wives or the children who suffer at the hands of their own parents. It's all too much some days and I suppose any perceived callousness may be a direct result of the horrific things we do to each other in the name of religion and politics and selfishness and sickness, simply my body's way of allowing me to function every day without becoming overly consumed with things I cannot control. It's no wonder this country has become so apathetic, it's the easiest way to get through the day and goodness knows we like the easy way out.
I'm sure more detail will come out as time passes in these coming days and weeks about the Sunday events in CO. I'm just glad more people weren't hurt. It really could've been a lot worse I'm thinking.
This morning I'm dragging arse a little, I've been kind of fighting a cold or something. Sinuses. Just the way things are for me lately. I did decide to do a little detoxing these next few weeks. Did you know that you need to eat the right kinds of food to feel good and stay healthy? Huh, there's a thought! Food isn't just about tasting good and comfort, oh no! It has all kinds of important functions otherwise. Fascinating. AND, if you are a lazy sloth all weekend it will make your energy level sloth like. Hrm. Interesting.....
My company holiday party, what a fun night! It's good to spend time with your coworkers out of the office and cut it loose a little, 109 in all with family was our turn out. That's pretty massive for our little office, but when you consider all the kids ands partners, it grows quickly. The snow came in about 7ish though and that got some of us moving sooner rather than later. Max and I were home by 9, happy and content with the nights festivities.
Saturday:
It snowed. All day. And was cold, bitterly cold actually. Max and I are broke folk so we weren't able to make to H's bday party, which is a drag, but I think my friends understand. So, we mostly just watched movies, napped and pushed Kasha outside to use the potty occasionally. Snow does not a happy Kasha make, though she's getting better. Gaia, on the other hand, seems eager to be outside until she takes those first tentative steps through the wetness to determine it's depth and finds that she's in over her head. Silly kitty. We watched Pirates Of The Caribbean: At World's End, which I highly recommend of course. I *heart* Johnny Depp, I love that he's a little effeminate and completely off his rocker in his character as Captain Jack Sparrow. It just makes me desire him all the more:) It doesn't matter that he's 13 years my senior, not at all!
Sunday:
Something about below freezing temps and steadily falling snow makes sleep an incredibly comfortable place to be. Waking up doesn't seem necessary when your all snuggled up. Max and I fell asleep together on the couch down stairs Saturday night in a mountain of blankets, pillows and sleeping bags. Kind of a sleep over with Kasha and Gaia wrapped up in the middle of all of it somewhere. Kasha was in a state of total bliss, she kept making her noises and stretching and peeking out at us from under the covers. Max was feeling quite cuddly that night, he's a strange one sometimes. Leave me alone, love me. Go away, I hate you...come hug me, I love you. ???? Oh well, I love him no matter how strange he is:) And he I, so it works out. We slept until roughly 10 am and awoke to yet more snow and a really cold morning.
Made breakfast, have convinced Max that turkey sausage is a fine compromise between pork sausage (blech) and my veggie sausage (which he refuses to even consider eating) and we spent most of the morning munching, reading the paper (poor paper boy!) and throwing Kasha out in the snow against her wishes. We are mean parents!
Turned on the tube to watch Jericho per M's suggestion (Not convinced on that one yet M, it's a little too tv drama for my taste though the Skeet Ulrich I can handle!) and had it on CNN only to discover the church shootings, less than 3 miles from where I live. As I am trying to find out more info on this, movie time is postponed and the shootings in Co Springs occur as I'm searching the net for more information on the Arvada shootings from the previous night. Sigh. I don't really know what to say except that it is very sad, but I am not totally surprised any more. I really don't understand people in this world sometimes, I don't understand how someone can take the life of another so casually. That's someone's child! It is horrifying, but I know it happens every day, across the planet. Yet, you could flip through every cable news channel last night and this story was pretty much the main one of the day. Is it any less shocking to us when a mosque is bombed in Iraq and 19 people are murdered? Or another 50 thousand people are forced into refugee camps in Sudan (Darfur) and of those 50 thousand, at least half are not expected to survive due to starvation and if they do survive what will they look forward to? Or a plane crashes somewhere and all on board die? Sometimes I think I've become increasingly callous through these past years and that weighs on me. After 911 and now a war in which the human cost at the hands of American's is more than I can stomach to consider to deeply. The number of shootings in schools (in my own backyard, more than once) and the men who murder their pregnant wives or the children who suffer at the hands of their own parents. It's all too much some days and I suppose any perceived callousness may be a direct result of the horrific things we do to each other in the name of religion and politics and selfishness and sickness, simply my body's way of allowing me to function every day without becoming overly consumed with things I cannot control. It's no wonder this country has become so apathetic, it's the easiest way to get through the day and goodness knows we like the easy way out.
I'm sure more detail will come out as time passes in these coming days and weeks about the Sunday events in CO. I'm just glad more people weren't hurt. It really could've been a lot worse I'm thinking.
This morning I'm dragging arse a little, I've been kind of fighting a cold or something. Sinuses. Just the way things are for me lately. I did decide to do a little detoxing these next few weeks. Did you know that you need to eat the right kinds of food to feel good and stay healthy? Huh, there's a thought! Food isn't just about tasting good and comfort, oh no! It has all kinds of important functions otherwise. Fascinating. AND, if you are a lazy sloth all weekend it will make your energy level sloth like. Hrm. Interesting.....
Thursday, December 06, 2007
Anxiety with a side of frustration
I've made some stupid decisions, I mean that's clear. However, just HOW stupid remains to be seen. I have been fighting with my home equity line bank for a month now, and let me tell you, never ever EVER use HFC. For anything. I've found them nothing but unresponsive, irresponsible in their lending practices and 100% unprofessional. It's like working with a bunch of 2 year old turkey's.
sigh.
I am currently on Max's list, I get tired of that sometimes. Being the only one to bare the brunt of tirades, attitudes and frustrations. Especially when I say "No" to him, oh boy, it's pathetic. He acts just like you know who and I've pointed this out to him. He pouts, he rants, he raves, he makes accusations and worse, he tries to rationalize and manipulate.
Case in point:
In my house, if you don't have at least a C average, you don't get a drivers permit. Period. Not to sound like every other parent of a teenager on the planet, but driving is a privilege. If you can't handle the responsibility of doing the bare minimum of school work required to keep your grades up, how can you handle the responsibility of driving? That's pretty much the argument anyway.
This guide line was laid down the day he turned 15 and he's had almost an entire semester to take it into consideration. Unfortunately, he's not been able to pull it together in time for the end of the semester and now, he won't be allowed to get his permit until the end of next school semester and then, it still will only be if he has AT LEAST all C's. I am not a stickler for grades, grades don't necessarily measure intelligence as we all know. But, I DO expect him to at least give enough effort to maintain a C average. C's = average. I think this is a fair expectation and stand behind it 100%.
He, of course, thinks I'm being a total hard ass. And continues to test it. So, he asks me if for Christmas, instead of presents, can he get his permit? It was a total set up, he KNOWS I'm going to say no. He's got 2 D's for cripes sake, hello! But I guess he just had to ask anyway. In the immediate moment, I tell him I'll think about it and table the discussion for another day.
I approach him last night as follows:
- The agreement, from day one has been that if your grades are not to par, you don't get a permit.
- You've had a minimum of one 2 D's since Oct 1st and I see little effort being made to correct that.
(A side not here, Max refuses to study, he doesn't think he has to. Except when quizzes and tests come around, he can't figure out why he bombs them and we all know that in High School, quiz's and tests are about 1/3 - 1/5 of the final grade - so if he studied a little more, he'd probably have high C's if not B's in his classes. However, when I attempt to work with him on this issue, he becomes incredibly defiant and arbitrary. Basically I don't know what I'm talking about and frankly, it's gotten to the point where I'm just like...ok, what else can I do? Short of holding his hand and sitting with him in class, taking notes for him and preparing mock tests for all of his classes....hello? Come on, he's 15 years old and thinks he can handle driving but can't take the time to take a basic note and study it each night?)
- However, if you can pull together your studies for your finals on December 20th and you have B and C's on all of your finals (which he can TOTALLY do) I will sign a work permit for you, allowing you to work 10 - 15 hours per week.
- This will allow you to begin saving money for your driving school and insurance AND show that you are able to manage responsibilities outside of school effectively.
- Again, if grades aren't maintained at C level through your second semester, there will be no permit and we may have to re-evaluate your hours if your grades fall to low.
- Target and Safeway are hiring right now, if you'd like I'll be happy to take you there and help you to fill out an application.
This was met with total stony silence. I asked him what he thought about this idea. He just stared at me and then proceeded to pout the entire night and not speak to me. I let it alone, I suspect he'll come to his sense and realize he's getting a good deal here, but had to get over the initial brattiness of not getting what he wants. poor poor Max. Life IS hard.
The irony of this? He's been BEGGING me to let him get a job, I mean BEGGING. He makes comments all the time about how he could have this or that "If I'd only let him get a job" or "If I had a job _____" This is several times a week and the comments are sometimes dripping with challenging sarcasm.
So, I'm left a little confused by his reaction. I did think he'd jump at the chance and see it as a fair compromise, but I realized quickly that he had to throw that manipulation in there and see if it got him anywhere. I'm not sure where he gets this from really, I have my suspicions. After all he lived with someone who got away with and is STILL getting away with a helluva lot and manipulated the women in his life quite efficiently for 2 years. Kids aren't stupid, they pick that stuff up and Max wasn't blinded with love for Chance, so he probably had Chance's number earlier on then I did.
But, that can't be all of it. Some of it must be standard teenager crap, he certainly is full of himself at the moment I have to say. And I felt a little anxious about his reaction to my proposal, why? Because I feel it's a risk, allowing him to get a job when he's having a hard time managing his job. My fear of course is that it'll be to much or that he'll think, hey I can just get a job and drop out of school! There's an idea! yuck.
On the other hand, I'm wondering if he'll even go after it. He really didn't seem thrilled about it last night. Interesting that when confronted with the option he gets all pissy. I don't know if he really has it in him right now for all the crap he talks. And if he does, my hope is that maybe having a small part time job will give him a sense of success, capability and maybe, just maybe, motivate him to that next level in school. Sometimes, when you are given more responsibility, you rise to the occasion. Sometimes you don't, but it can't hurt to try in my book.
In any event, he's got this whole attitude right now that makes him rather unpleasant to be around and it's all thrown right in my direction. I know that's a terrible thing to say and there can never be any question that I love my son with all my heart, but the growing pains make me tired some days.
These are the times when I feel like I might go bat-shit at any moment and run screeming down the street in my underwear in 30 degree weather!
sigh.
I am currently on Max's list, I get tired of that sometimes. Being the only one to bare the brunt of tirades, attitudes and frustrations. Especially when I say "No" to him, oh boy, it's pathetic. He acts just like you know who and I've pointed this out to him. He pouts, he rants, he raves, he makes accusations and worse, he tries to rationalize and manipulate.
Case in point:
In my house, if you don't have at least a C average, you don't get a drivers permit. Period. Not to sound like every other parent of a teenager on the planet, but driving is a privilege. If you can't handle the responsibility of doing the bare minimum of school work required to keep your grades up, how can you handle the responsibility of driving? That's pretty much the argument anyway.
This guide line was laid down the day he turned 15 and he's had almost an entire semester to take it into consideration. Unfortunately, he's not been able to pull it together in time for the end of the semester and now, he won't be allowed to get his permit until the end of next school semester and then, it still will only be if he has AT LEAST all C's. I am not a stickler for grades, grades don't necessarily measure intelligence as we all know. But, I DO expect him to at least give enough effort to maintain a C average. C's = average. I think this is a fair expectation and stand behind it 100%.
He, of course, thinks I'm being a total hard ass. And continues to test it. So, he asks me if for Christmas, instead of presents, can he get his permit? It was a total set up, he KNOWS I'm going to say no. He's got 2 D's for cripes sake, hello! But I guess he just had to ask anyway. In the immediate moment, I tell him I'll think about it and table the discussion for another day.
I approach him last night as follows:
- The agreement, from day one has been that if your grades are not to par, you don't get a permit.
- You've had a minimum of one 2 D's since Oct 1st and I see little effort being made to correct that.
(A side not here, Max refuses to study, he doesn't think he has to. Except when quizzes and tests come around, he can't figure out why he bombs them and we all know that in High School, quiz's and tests are about 1/3 - 1/5 of the final grade - so if he studied a little more, he'd probably have high C's if not B's in his classes. However, when I attempt to work with him on this issue, he becomes incredibly defiant and arbitrary. Basically I don't know what I'm talking about and frankly, it's gotten to the point where I'm just like...ok, what else can I do? Short of holding his hand and sitting with him in class, taking notes for him and preparing mock tests for all of his classes....hello? Come on, he's 15 years old and thinks he can handle driving but can't take the time to take a basic note and study it each night?)
- However, if you can pull together your studies for your finals on December 20th and you have B and C's on all of your finals (which he can TOTALLY do) I will sign a work permit for you, allowing you to work 10 - 15 hours per week.
- This will allow you to begin saving money for your driving school and insurance AND show that you are able to manage responsibilities outside of school effectively.
- Again, if grades aren't maintained at C level through your second semester, there will be no permit and we may have to re-evaluate your hours if your grades fall to low.
- Target and Safeway are hiring right now, if you'd like I'll be happy to take you there and help you to fill out an application.
This was met with total stony silence. I asked him what he thought about this idea. He just stared at me and then proceeded to pout the entire night and not speak to me. I let it alone, I suspect he'll come to his sense and realize he's getting a good deal here, but had to get over the initial brattiness of not getting what he wants. poor poor Max. Life IS hard.
The irony of this? He's been BEGGING me to let him get a job, I mean BEGGING. He makes comments all the time about how he could have this or that "If I'd only let him get a job" or "If I had a job _____" This is several times a week and the comments are sometimes dripping with challenging sarcasm.
So, I'm left a little confused by his reaction. I did think he'd jump at the chance and see it as a fair compromise, but I realized quickly that he had to throw that manipulation in there and see if it got him anywhere. I'm not sure where he gets this from really, I have my suspicions. After all he lived with someone who got away with and is STILL getting away with a helluva lot and manipulated the women in his life quite efficiently for 2 years. Kids aren't stupid, they pick that stuff up and Max wasn't blinded with love for Chance, so he probably had Chance's number earlier on then I did.
But, that can't be all of it. Some of it must be standard teenager crap, he certainly is full of himself at the moment I have to say. And I felt a little anxious about his reaction to my proposal, why? Because I feel it's a risk, allowing him to get a job when he's having a hard time managing his job. My fear of course is that it'll be to much or that he'll think, hey I can just get a job and drop out of school! There's an idea! yuck.
On the other hand, I'm wondering if he'll even go after it. He really didn't seem thrilled about it last night. Interesting that when confronted with the option he gets all pissy. I don't know if he really has it in him right now for all the crap he talks. And if he does, my hope is that maybe having a small part time job will give him a sense of success, capability and maybe, just maybe, motivate him to that next level in school. Sometimes, when you are given more responsibility, you rise to the occasion. Sometimes you don't, but it can't hurt to try in my book.
In any event, he's got this whole attitude right now that makes him rather unpleasant to be around and it's all thrown right in my direction. I know that's a terrible thing to say and there can never be any question that I love my son with all my heart, but the growing pains make me tired some days.
These are the times when I feel like I might go bat-shit at any moment and run screeming down the street in my underwear in 30 degree weather!
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
Ode To Hummus
Oh hummus, beautiful glorious hummus!
You bring such happiness to my tummus!
With your smooth elegant texture
And your bursting olive oil goodness
Whether accompanying my favorite falafel and tahini
Or in pleasurable simplicity, with olives and pita
There would be mass consumption if I could
In all your vegetarian delight, certainly I would
Alas it is sad but oh unmistakingly true
That I am often separated from you
Fortunately for you and I, oh cherished friend
Kabob Station is where we rendezvous weekly
So until next time, my little chick pea
Think of your biggest fan, for she is me
Oh hummus, beautiful glorious hummus!
You bring such happiness to my tummus!
You bring such happiness to my tummus!
With your smooth elegant texture
And your bursting olive oil goodness
Whether accompanying my favorite falafel and tahini
Or in pleasurable simplicity, with olives and pita
There would be mass consumption if I could
In all your vegetarian delight, certainly I would
Alas it is sad but oh unmistakingly true
That I am often separated from you
Fortunately for you and I, oh cherished friend
Kabob Station is where we rendezvous weekly
So until next time, my little chick pea
Think of your biggest fan, for she is me
Oh hummus, beautiful glorious hummus!
You bring such happiness to my tummus!
Tired, But Better
Up till midnight writing last night, it's been a while since I've done that. It was a desperately needed release. I wrote letters I'll never send, half a poem and responded to some long over due emails. This morning I am wearing Carin's sweater and feeling warm and fuzzy, it's chilly out, not frigid, but cool. Flurries supposed to set in tonight and forecast says freezing temps for the next several days. I enjoy the cooler weather. It gives me a reason to dress in cozy things and go to bed early.
Busy day ahead, at least this morning so I'm off to work. Did anyone see McCain on MTV the other night? Interesting way to converse with the public and campaign. I found him to be pretty much the standard politician, humble he is not. Sigh. In about a year, we will have a new president and while I am looking forward to the transition and the subsequent changes, I am still fearful of what may or may not happen in the interim. This thing with Iran weighs on me heavily, there's something brewing there. Meanwhile, in Colorado, Mike Jones (who outed Ted Haggard, New Life Church in CO Springs) is claiming to have escorted Larry Craig on a number of occasions. This is the news in my town, not detail about pending drought this winter or the 1 in 6 children in CO without health care or the reported rise in elder abuse in Jefferson County. Nope, the biggest debate in town is about who's having sex with who and whether it's ethical. It seriously is time for this country to get over itself and it's sexual morality issues. Humans have sex, in all of it's forms, always have, always will. We are driven sexual beings. Gay, straight, bi, whatever....sexuality is a fundamental aspect of our identities, and like all ways in which we grow, we may explore it in more detail or know from birth what our sexual orientation is without question. Attempting to repress that is both futile and oppressive in the most basic form. People are who they are, they will have sex with whom they wish, whether it is deemed 'acceptable' or not and it's high time for us to freaking move past this and start focusing on saving our planet, making sure everyone is fed and healthy and stop trying to blow each other up. The fact that this issue is still up for debate totally boggles my mind. WHO CARES? It's two consenting adults, they are big boys, they can make their own decisions. Besides the fact that outing a pastor or a senator points out the total dysfunction of our culture sexually, I really could care less who's having sex with who and why. And if people really want to focus on the issues of sex in our culture, they should consider the bigger picture regarding the protection of sex workers or the sexual exploitation of children. THAT is some horrifying stuff and is where people should be focusing their energies, protecting women and children. But debating whether it's ethically acceptable for a United States Senator to engage in homosexual activity is a moot point. It's already a done deal. I'm tired of living in a homophobic state, I'm tired of people reporting what is essentially gossip as news and I'm really tired of the endless debate about what people are doing in their bedrooms. Get over it America!
Busy day ahead, at least this morning so I'm off to work. Did anyone see McCain on MTV the other night? Interesting way to converse with the public and campaign. I found him to be pretty much the standard politician, humble he is not. Sigh. In about a year, we will have a new president and while I am looking forward to the transition and the subsequent changes, I am still fearful of what may or may not happen in the interim. This thing with Iran weighs on me heavily, there's something brewing there. Meanwhile, in Colorado, Mike Jones (who outed Ted Haggard, New Life Church in CO Springs) is claiming to have escorted Larry Craig on a number of occasions. This is the news in my town, not detail about pending drought this winter or the 1 in 6 children in CO without health care or the reported rise in elder abuse in Jefferson County. Nope, the biggest debate in town is about who's having sex with who and whether it's ethical. It seriously is time for this country to get over itself and it's sexual morality issues. Humans have sex, in all of it's forms, always have, always will. We are driven sexual beings. Gay, straight, bi, whatever....sexuality is a fundamental aspect of our identities, and like all ways in which we grow, we may explore it in more detail or know from birth what our sexual orientation is without question. Attempting to repress that is both futile and oppressive in the most basic form. People are who they are, they will have sex with whom they wish, whether it is deemed 'acceptable' or not and it's high time for us to freaking move past this and start focusing on saving our planet, making sure everyone is fed and healthy and stop trying to blow each other up. The fact that this issue is still up for debate totally boggles my mind. WHO CARES? It's two consenting adults, they are big boys, they can make their own decisions. Besides the fact that outing a pastor or a senator points out the total dysfunction of our culture sexually, I really could care less who's having sex with who and why. And if people really want to focus on the issues of sex in our culture, they should consider the bigger picture regarding the protection of sex workers or the sexual exploitation of children. THAT is some horrifying stuff and is where people should be focusing their energies, protecting women and children. But debating whether it's ethically acceptable for a United States Senator to engage in homosexual activity is a moot point. It's already a done deal. I'm tired of living in a homophobic state, I'm tired of people reporting what is essentially gossip as news and I'm really tired of the endless debate about what people are doing in their bedrooms. Get over it America!
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
I reserve the right to be grumpy, pissy, cranky and otherwise grouchy if I feel like it. I'm having a hard day and that's ok. I don't HAVE to be sweet as pie at all times and sometimes I just want to be left alone and this is one of those times. As long as I am not scowling, cussing or otherwise spitting my current state directly at you, I don't see how it's any of anyone else's business if I am in a bad mood, unless I want to share it.
My coworkers are nice people, I have nothing against them and this has nothing to do with them. However, in real life there is something to be said for respecting the space of others. I realize I am generally inviting, pleasant and professional. I will listen attentively to the stories about your wife or your kids or your dog, because that is the type of dynamic we have here. We do a lot of joking around here, it's an almost nessisary evil so that we can all function without exceeding the maximum stress allotment allowed for one very small space and 20 employee's squeezed into our one side of the office.
But today, I have my headphones have been on ALL day which is a clear signal that I am:
a) Very busy
b) Wish to be left alone
c) Don't have the energy to engage
d) All of the above
I choose D and hopefully that can be respected without someone getting all butt hurt about it.
Today I am Tree Fruit The Grouch, please close the lid on my garbage can on your way out.
Thank you very much,
The Management
My coworkers are nice people, I have nothing against them and this has nothing to do with them. However, in real life there is something to be said for respecting the space of others. I realize I am generally inviting, pleasant and professional. I will listen attentively to the stories about your wife or your kids or your dog, because that is the type of dynamic we have here. We do a lot of joking around here, it's an almost nessisary evil so that we can all function without exceeding the maximum stress allotment allowed for one very small space and 20 employee's squeezed into our one side of the office.
But today, I have my headphones have been on ALL day which is a clear signal that I am:
a) Very busy
b) Wish to be left alone
c) Don't have the energy to engage
d) All of the above
I choose D and hopefully that can be respected without someone getting all butt hurt about it.
Today I am Tree Fruit The Grouch, please close the lid on my garbage can on your way out.
Thank you very much,
The Management
Monday, December 03, 2007
Nov 30th - Dec 2nd Weekend Highlights
I am absolutely exhausted this morning, literally fighting to keep my head up and my eyes open. Kasha and I both spent a lot of time groaning and stretching this morning while getting out of bed. She is so cute, I love my doggeh!
Friday:
After several interesting phone calls, a lot of errands and at least two failed attempts to get my ass motivated enough to take the dog for a walk, I finally just gave up and started making dinner for Tammy. She showed up about 4:15 and we got to chatting, eating and hair cutting! Almost 6 inches of those long blonde locks ended up on the floor that night and while I'm still adjusting and it is shorter than I'd plan to go, it is totally liberating. Sort of like shedding skin. Metamorphosis. Like sunflowers and butterfly's:)
Update:
My Aunty made me post some pics, this is the best I can do at the moment with my camera phone, at work in the bathroom so my coworkers don't have funny thoughts about me.....
Saturday:
Ran errands all morning with Max. Correction, chauffeured Max around all morning to and fro all over town. After all that hubbubb, we spent the remainder of the day at Kristen's. First working on her resume. That was pretty fun actually, I was happy to help remind her of what a valuable individual she is. "Rock Band" became to distracting and we played for 5 straight hours! I foresee this game being in most homes across the states with families, it is a blast to play with others and addictive in the way that only a video game can be. It's not simple either, it's an actual game that requires a certain level of commitment when you start it to actually complete the levels. Kristen played guitar, Max was on drums and I sang. I now know why vocalists loose their voices often and have to take great care with them. 5 hours of belting out tunes pretty much wiped me out. Max was impressive on those drums, he may very well need his own kit. I may consider it for his bday this next year. Matt & Helen came over after and we spent a pretty mellow night just chillin' after all that.
Sunday:
Up bright and early to meet up with Helen's folks for the Christmas Town event in Georgetown. Our first year, a lot of fun! Sans the frigid temperatures and strong winds, it's something I'd like to do again next year with Max. Helen's family is very sweet, just good people and you can't deny that when you engage with people on that level. The interaction between her father and his family was quite moving for me, he has a smile that lights up a room, is soft spoken and clearly is a gentle man. Sometimes the sadness of not having had a father of my own to love me in that way is quite overpowering. I sometimes wonder what I might be like now if I'd had a kind and compassionate man to guide me through this life and help to shape my views on men and love. How I may be a different person and who she might be? I learned long ago that wondering about the past is mostly futile, rather I'd expend my energy in the direction of healing from the voids than focusing on them. What I can take from the interactions I see between fathers like Charlie and their children is the love that radiates from that and the incredible happiness I feel for the kids out there who are loved and cared for so deeply by their fathers. And mothers. Children are such a blessing, they deserve all the light life can offer them.
Speaking of blessings, my own son and I have been nit picking with one another off an on a lot lately. Last night however, he seemed more interested in snuggling and eating candy then bickering with me. Ah the gift of quiet time with your only child. We both fell asleep for a few hours as we were extremely physically drained from the day, with Kasha in between and our favorite warm blanket, it was a lovely nap. To which we were awoken to the bang bang bang of a distinct knock at the door. The "cop" knock is what most of you will know it as, the one where they bang on the door with their flashlight. The kind that will startle you right out of your skin if it is silent in your house. I went to investigate, only to not find an actual police officer (of which I've had my share recently) but rather a tall (and good looking) man at my door with a tow truck idling loudly in front of me house. Looking for you know who of course. I explained (again) the situation. In an obviously irritated voice, I asked this guy why he needed yet another explanation of this situation as I've given at least 7 different people the same information and back ground scenario many times that I may cough up hairballs if I have to go over it one more single time. He didn't have a good answer for me. I question just how coordinated this effort is, but it is out of my hands and I am so over it. Ready to move on. The tall, cute repo dude handed me a card and made me promise to give him a call if I heard anything he gracefully excused himself and bid me a good night. Meanwhile, Max had been holding Kasha, who seemed threatened by the entire situation, and was standing behind me giving this poor guy the stink eye the whole time. Max is protective of his momma, that's for certain. He directly asked me the other day if you know who had ever laid a hand on me, I told him of course not. That while it IS true that Chance's behaviors resemble that of some alien form of slime, probably related to the bottom feeder, pond scum variety, but that he was never violent with me physically. And if he had ever been, he'd be rolling around on the cement of our front walk way in agony from the precise and effective groin kick I'd deliver the moment he touched me in that way and begging me to call off the troops once they arrived. That made Max laugh, which was kind of the goal. He needs to feel confident that I can take care of myself and would NEVER allow that sort of thing, but I wondered what prompted that question from him. It seemed to take a lot of energy for him to even pose the question. How I'd wish to spare him from these kinds of drama's so young, somehow I thought I'd make better decisions than these and might be able to protect him. My hope is that it will help him to realize that life simply doesn't allow for utter and complete irresponsibility, that you ARE accountable for your actions and how they affect others. No matter how much I may try to convey to him this message in all my motherly glory, he is 15 after all and mostly thinks I'm completely full of it. Maybe from this he will have learned something valuable, at the very least he is learning about boundaries and limits. We are learning that one together I'm afraid.
Please take a moment to look through this site:
http://www.cnn.com/SPECIALS/2007/planet.in.peril/
While I'm generally unimpressed with CCN as it reeks of Fox-Lite, I was pleased to see this program last night on The Animal Planet. It's painful, to watch and absorb this information and we all know it's happening, but my hope is that the more infromation that is shared with the masses, that maybe it is possible for a difference to be made. I have a strong urges often to quite my job, sell everything and join Green Peace or the Peace Corps so I can stop feeling like so helpless. I know though, that first I must raise my own son and start with the changes at home while trying to affect change globally. Some how. I don't know how yet, I struggle with it b/c it never feels like enough. Anyway, please see the above mentioned link and consider the ways in which we can all commit our internal environmentalists and animal rights activists to something greater than ourselves.
Friday:
After several interesting phone calls, a lot of errands and at least two failed attempts to get my ass motivated enough to take the dog for a walk, I finally just gave up and started making dinner for Tammy. She showed up about 4:15 and we got to chatting, eating and hair cutting! Almost 6 inches of those long blonde locks ended up on the floor that night and while I'm still adjusting and it is shorter than I'd plan to go, it is totally liberating. Sort of like shedding skin. Metamorphosis. Like sunflowers and butterfly's:)
Update:
My Aunty made me post some pics, this is the best I can do at the moment with my camera phone, at work in the bathroom so my coworkers don't have funny thoughts about me.....
Saturday:
Ran errands all morning with Max. Correction, chauffeured Max around all morning to and fro all over town. After all that hubbubb, we spent the remainder of the day at Kristen's. First working on her resume. That was pretty fun actually, I was happy to help remind her of what a valuable individual she is. "Rock Band" became to distracting and we played for 5 straight hours! I foresee this game being in most homes across the states with families, it is a blast to play with others and addictive in the way that only a video game can be. It's not simple either, it's an actual game that requires a certain level of commitment when you start it to actually complete the levels. Kristen played guitar, Max was on drums and I sang. I now know why vocalists loose their voices often and have to take great care with them. 5 hours of belting out tunes pretty much wiped me out. Max was impressive on those drums, he may very well need his own kit. I may consider it for his bday this next year. Matt & Helen came over after and we spent a pretty mellow night just chillin' after all that.
Sunday:
Up bright and early to meet up with Helen's folks for the Christmas Town event in Georgetown. Our first year, a lot of fun! Sans the frigid temperatures and strong winds, it's something I'd like to do again next year with Max. Helen's family is very sweet, just good people and you can't deny that when you engage with people on that level. The interaction between her father and his family was quite moving for me, he has a smile that lights up a room, is soft spoken and clearly is a gentle man. Sometimes the sadness of not having had a father of my own to love me in that way is quite overpowering. I sometimes wonder what I might be like now if I'd had a kind and compassionate man to guide me through this life and help to shape my views on men and love. How I may be a different person and who she might be? I learned long ago that wondering about the past is mostly futile, rather I'd expend my energy in the direction of healing from the voids than focusing on them. What I can take from the interactions I see between fathers like Charlie and their children is the love that radiates from that and the incredible happiness I feel for the kids out there who are loved and cared for so deeply by their fathers. And mothers. Children are such a blessing, they deserve all the light life can offer them.
Speaking of blessings, my own son and I have been nit picking with one another off an on a lot lately. Last night however, he seemed more interested in snuggling and eating candy then bickering with me. Ah the gift of quiet time with your only child. We both fell asleep for a few hours as we were extremely physically drained from the day, with Kasha in between and our favorite warm blanket, it was a lovely nap. To which we were awoken to the bang bang bang of a distinct knock at the door. The "cop" knock is what most of you will know it as, the one where they bang on the door with their flashlight. The kind that will startle you right out of your skin if it is silent in your house. I went to investigate, only to not find an actual police officer (of which I've had my share recently) but rather a tall (and good looking) man at my door with a tow truck idling loudly in front of me house. Looking for you know who of course. I explained (again) the situation. In an obviously irritated voice, I asked this guy why he needed yet another explanation of this situation as I've given at least 7 different people the same information and back ground scenario many times that I may cough up hairballs if I have to go over it one more single time. He didn't have a good answer for me. I question just how coordinated this effort is, but it is out of my hands and I am so over it. Ready to move on. The tall, cute repo dude handed me a card and made me promise to give him a call if I heard anything he gracefully excused himself and bid me a good night. Meanwhile, Max had been holding Kasha, who seemed threatened by the entire situation, and was standing behind me giving this poor guy the stink eye the whole time. Max is protective of his momma, that's for certain. He directly asked me the other day if you know who had ever laid a hand on me, I told him of course not. That while it IS true that Chance's behaviors resemble that of some alien form of slime, probably related to the bottom feeder, pond scum variety, but that he was never violent with me physically. And if he had ever been, he'd be rolling around on the cement of our front walk way in agony from the precise and effective groin kick I'd deliver the moment he touched me in that way and begging me to call off the troops once they arrived. That made Max laugh, which was kind of the goal. He needs to feel confident that I can take care of myself and would NEVER allow that sort of thing, but I wondered what prompted that question from him. It seemed to take a lot of energy for him to even pose the question. How I'd wish to spare him from these kinds of drama's so young, somehow I thought I'd make better decisions than these and might be able to protect him. My hope is that it will help him to realize that life simply doesn't allow for utter and complete irresponsibility, that you ARE accountable for your actions and how they affect others. No matter how much I may try to convey to him this message in all my motherly glory, he is 15 after all and mostly thinks I'm completely full of it. Maybe from this he will have learned something valuable, at the very least he is learning about boundaries and limits. We are learning that one together I'm afraid.
Please take a moment to look through this site:
http://www.cnn.com/SPECIALS/2007/planet.in.peril/
While I'm generally unimpressed with CCN as it reeks of Fox-Lite, I was pleased to see this program last night on The Animal Planet. It's painful, to watch and absorb this information and we all know it's happening, but my hope is that the more infromation that is shared with the masses, that maybe it is possible for a difference to be made. I have a strong urges often to quite my job, sell everything and join Green Peace or the Peace Corps so I can stop feeling like so helpless. I know though, that first I must raise my own son and start with the changes at home while trying to affect change globally. Some how. I don't know how yet, I struggle with it b/c it never feels like enough. Anyway, please see the above mentioned link and consider the ways in which we can all commit our internal environmentalists and animal rights activists to something greater than ourselves.
Friday, November 30, 2007
Crystal! YOU DID IT!
$350k for your kids! I love you and the work that you and your organization does:)
Good job!
BTW: Your smiling voice on the other end....it was good.
Good job!
BTW: Your smiling voice on the other end....it was good.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Something is surely amiss with the Universe.
Max just called to inform me that he is INTENTIONALLY staying after school to work on his final geography map with his teacher, an assignment worth well over 150 points. Which is huge. As in "could get my ass out of D'sville" huge.
No one asked him to do it, he's just doing it.
Whoa.
Annnnnd, last night he tracked in a size 12 shoe full of snow from the back porch and right as he was about to step on the carpet, caught himself and stopped! AND THEN....he CLEANED IT UP! And did a really good job.
Without me asking or saying a word, in fact most of this went on without me even really noticing until after the fact.
Whoa.
AND....he put kitty litter on the steps so I wouldn't fall and crack my head open and a little grippy thing on the railing to help his poor ole uncordindate mother along.
WITHOUT ANYONE ASKING!
Max is a great kid, truly one of the best I've ever known. Kind, compassionate and pretty loving for a 15 year old boy who rarely shows emotion to anyone, but I am somehow one of the lucky few who has won his love and praise. But proactive, he is not.
Dare I become excited by the smallest glimpses of potentially self-reliant and capable behaviors WITHOUT all the attitude?
It's like...New & Improved Ultra Max, gets you down the stairs safely AND does his school work without complaining the entire time about how unfair it all is.
Whoa. I'm speechless.
No one asked him to do it, he's just doing it.
Whoa.
Annnnnd, last night he tracked in a size 12 shoe full of snow from the back porch and right as he was about to step on the carpet, caught himself and stopped! AND THEN....he CLEANED IT UP! And did a really good job.
Without me asking or saying a word, in fact most of this went on without me even really noticing until after the fact.
Whoa.
AND....he put kitty litter on the steps so I wouldn't fall and crack my head open and a little grippy thing on the railing to help his poor ole uncordindate mother along.
WITHOUT ANYONE ASKING!
Max is a great kid, truly one of the best I've ever known. Kind, compassionate and pretty loving for a 15 year old boy who rarely shows emotion to anyone, but I am somehow one of the lucky few who has won his love and praise. But proactive, he is not.
Dare I become excited by the smallest glimpses of potentially self-reliant and capable behaviors WITHOUT all the attitude?
It's like...New & Improved Ultra Max, gets you down the stairs safely AND does his school work without complaining the entire time about how unfair it all is.
Whoa. I'm speechless.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Brrrr!
I discovered, at 5:45 this morning that Kasha doesn't like snow plows. This was only after I discovered that in the middle of the night, out of nowhere, someone blew freezing cold wet stuff all over the place and didn't bother to inform me of. Because I AM that important you know:) No one said anything about snow? Hrm, that'll teach me to fall asleep without consulting the current weather forecast. Which is mostly pointless because it will be 50 degrees next week any way and then snow again the following week and no one will know what the heck is really going on, except for Mother Nature herself. Whom, as we all know is a lot wiser than we are.
Good thing my hall closet is packed and ready to go with jackets and other cover up things ranging from "sunny fall day" to "blizzard conditions, frigid don't breathe the air to deeply and make sure all your digits are covered." I have the cutest little purple pseudo-suede gloves and matching hat with cotton "fur" on the edges that I like to wear, not very functional but oh so warm and cuddly, AND cute! Max doesn't need a coat, he's far to sophisticated and cool to need some wimpy coat to keep himself warm. He may regret that decision today.
Just went to use the little girls room, the sun is out and beaming happily. I cannot see actual sunlight from my cube unless I get up and even then my view is obstructed by other cubes and faces, but I do manage to roam around occasionally and get some actual real light. Sometimes I feel like a gecko. One of those little guys that sits on his warming rock all day trying to warm himself under his own little 'sun' - waiting for something interesting to happen or a fly to buzz by that might be caught with such a gloriously wild tongue. Yes, a gecko in a cage, that's what I feel like in this office some times. Speaking of, I always wondered what it would be like to be able to lick my eyeball. Randomly lick your own eyeball while in the midst of conversation with your peer group or, even better, your supervisor? Heh. I've been watching too much XMen I think.
Note to self: Black olive and jalapeño pizza makes a pretty decent breakfast.....
Back to work, I'm FINALLY in a productive place this morning and must run with it...toodles.
xo,
S
Good thing my hall closet is packed and ready to go with jackets and other cover up things ranging from "sunny fall day" to "blizzard conditions, frigid don't breathe the air to deeply and make sure all your digits are covered." I have the cutest little purple pseudo-suede gloves and matching hat with cotton "fur" on the edges that I like to wear, not very functional but oh so warm and cuddly, AND cute! Max doesn't need a coat, he's far to sophisticated and cool to need some wimpy coat to keep himself warm. He may regret that decision today.
Just went to use the little girls room, the sun is out and beaming happily. I cannot see actual sunlight from my cube unless I get up and even then my view is obstructed by other cubes and faces, but I do manage to roam around occasionally and get some actual real light. Sometimes I feel like a gecko. One of those little guys that sits on his warming rock all day trying to warm himself under his own little 'sun' - waiting for something interesting to happen or a fly to buzz by that might be caught with such a gloriously wild tongue. Yes, a gecko in a cage, that's what I feel like in this office some times. Speaking of, I always wondered what it would be like to be able to lick my eyeball. Randomly lick your own eyeball while in the midst of conversation with your peer group or, even better, your supervisor? Heh. I've been watching too much XMen I think.
Note to self: Black olive and jalapeño pizza makes a pretty decent breakfast.....
Back to work, I'm FINALLY in a productive place this morning and must run with it...toodles.
xo,
S
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Do You Ever?
Feel like your trying to communicate with an invisible force field designed to deflect all logic, reason and rationale thought? Hear the sounds of total apathy on the other end? Wonder how difficult this life must be every single day. How just to getting out of bed and making the simple decision about what to wear or the best route to take to work that morning must be?
I do. I wonder. Every, single day.
I do. I wonder. Every, single day.
Monday, November 26, 2007
Giving Thanks
After I spent Tuesday night, all of Wednesday and Thursday morning having what I think was a rather unfortunate case of food poisoning, the long weekend was incredibly enjoyable. I could've done without all that loss of fluids, that's for sure, but it's over now, for which I'm grateful. I also could've passed on the harassing phone calls from the repo men, private investigators and collectors that are relentlessly searching for you know who, but I'm getting used to it and I'm learning that if I give them the facts, they can't really argue with me OR be nasty. I *think* this thing is starting to wrap up soon, I'm hoping by the end of January I can be celebrating the day of my birth with renewed love for life.
I spent Thursday at my mothers. It was mostly quiet, nothing really eventful to speak of other than the mini meltdown I had, which was expected. I haven't seen my mother and her husband for at least 6 months, not since her birthday. Alot has obviously transpired since then and I know they have a lot of questions and concerns, but they both were compassionate and careful with my emotions. She was surprisingly sensitive to the situation and I received a lot of reassurance from both her and Jim. This was unexpected and I think what I took from that experience was that I've been humbled on so many levels at this point, perhaps it is time for me to completely reconsider my entire perspective on many things.
Friday I picked up Kyler and mostly felt like crud still. Not enough rest and still recouping from the nastiness of the previous days, so I unfortunately didn't make it out with Paula and Jeff that night. Kyler and I spent a lot of time getting to know one another, what a sweet old man he is. Kasha did not approve of the new visitor and we had mild chaos for a moment, but I was able to get it under control. Kyler and I were both out by 8 on Friday night.
Saturday morning, Max was home, complete with 'just got home from my Dad's family' visit attitude and all. Good times. That will last several more days, I'm sure. He's just generally snappy and doesn't think I know anything about anything, a smart ass comment to everything I say. This is not unusual, or necessarily appreciated, but luckily it passes.
We had another moment of chaos Saturday morning as I was leaving for the store, in which Kasha escaped and went straight for poor Kyler. Poor dude, he was shaking and I wanted to throttle Kasha. I am not sure why she is so vicious with other dogs, it's a little concerning to me. It's not the first time I've spent time around dog aggressive dogs, but to see her go from my sweet little Kasha-baby-darling to wildly-insane-attack-mutt in an instant is upsetting. I know it's not personal, she's just who she is, but still? HUH? She went straight for his jugular, no kidding. Kyler didn't tolerate this long and let her have it before I could separate them. Yuck. Kyler was immediately rewarded for being a good good doggy with lots of loveys and dog treats and Kasha was banished for the rest of the day. Her whimpering was pathetic, but I wasn't feeling very sympathetic after that. Kyler is like a Grandpa dog, you must have some level of respect for and she crossed the line. So, after Max and I inspected for bites, everyone went to their respective area's for quiet time.
After the store I showered and got ready for lunch with Miss Paula and her clan. I was treated to some fabu artichoke dip, beers and good times with P while her crew gave us some quiet girl time. I love P, I feel so comfortable with her, even though we've only met in person a few times. The visit was too short, but they always are, aren't they? We parted ways for a few hours and her and Jeff came over to my place for a bit after their dinner. It was interesting to meet the infamous Jeff, I didn't have any real expectation of what this person would be like, so I wasn't surprised one way or the other. It is good to put it all together though and I'm happy for that opportunity. He seems quiet, a bit stoic perhaps. I was a big taken back by the hug he gave me when they were leaving though, it sort of spread warmth over me like the bestest woobie on the planet. It was like a compassion blanket, very comforting.
Sunday Max and I spent our remaining visit with Kyler playing, it is true that the puppy never exists the dog that I know for sure. But Kyler, is such a silly example of that, I can't help but grin. Those big whole huge paws, silly eyes and the energy that comes out of him in fits of excitement are so adorable. We took him home around 3 and hung out together the rest of the afternoon around the house, took a nap, chatted. Quiet way to end the long weekend.
I'm not sure what's up this coming week, I'm feeling some motivation on continuing with home improvement projects. Specifically, the basement would be next. I'd like to paint down there and reorganize a bit, perhaps rip that carpet up, but at the very least get it steam cleaned. All things that cost money that I don't have, but I can at least paint and organize it for pretty darn cheap. After the kitchen, I have a feeling the basement will feel like a piece of cake!
Onward and upward, love to you all.
peace
S
I spent Thursday at my mothers. It was mostly quiet, nothing really eventful to speak of other than the mini meltdown I had, which was expected. I haven't seen my mother and her husband for at least 6 months, not since her birthday. Alot has obviously transpired since then and I know they have a lot of questions and concerns, but they both were compassionate and careful with my emotions. She was surprisingly sensitive to the situation and I received a lot of reassurance from both her and Jim. This was unexpected and I think what I took from that experience was that I've been humbled on so many levels at this point, perhaps it is time for me to completely reconsider my entire perspective on many things.
Friday I picked up Kyler and mostly felt like crud still. Not enough rest and still recouping from the nastiness of the previous days, so I unfortunately didn't make it out with Paula and Jeff that night. Kyler and I spent a lot of time getting to know one another, what a sweet old man he is. Kasha did not approve of the new visitor and we had mild chaos for a moment, but I was able to get it under control. Kyler and I were both out by 8 on Friday night.
Saturday morning, Max was home, complete with 'just got home from my Dad's family' visit attitude and all. Good times. That will last several more days, I'm sure. He's just generally snappy and doesn't think I know anything about anything, a smart ass comment to everything I say. This is not unusual, or necessarily appreciated, but luckily it passes.
We had another moment of chaos Saturday morning as I was leaving for the store, in which Kasha escaped and went straight for poor Kyler. Poor dude, he was shaking and I wanted to throttle Kasha. I am not sure why she is so vicious with other dogs, it's a little concerning to me. It's not the first time I've spent time around dog aggressive dogs, but to see her go from my sweet little Kasha-baby-darling to wildly-insane-attack-mutt in an instant is upsetting. I know it's not personal, she's just who she is, but still? HUH? She went straight for his jugular, no kidding. Kyler didn't tolerate this long and let her have it before I could separate them. Yuck. Kyler was immediately rewarded for being a good good doggy with lots of loveys and dog treats and Kasha was banished for the rest of the day. Her whimpering was pathetic, but I wasn't feeling very sympathetic after that. Kyler is like a Grandpa dog, you must have some level of respect for and she crossed the line. So, after Max and I inspected for bites, everyone went to their respective area's for quiet time.
After the store I showered and got ready for lunch with Miss Paula and her clan. I was treated to some fabu artichoke dip, beers and good times with P while her crew gave us some quiet girl time. I love P, I feel so comfortable with her, even though we've only met in person a few times. The visit was too short, but they always are, aren't they? We parted ways for a few hours and her and Jeff came over to my place for a bit after their dinner. It was interesting to meet the infamous Jeff, I didn't have any real expectation of what this person would be like, so I wasn't surprised one way or the other. It is good to put it all together though and I'm happy for that opportunity. He seems quiet, a bit stoic perhaps. I was a big taken back by the hug he gave me when they were leaving though, it sort of spread warmth over me like the bestest woobie on the planet. It was like a compassion blanket, very comforting.
Sunday Max and I spent our remaining visit with Kyler playing, it is true that the puppy never exists the dog that I know for sure. But Kyler, is such a silly example of that, I can't help but grin. Those big whole huge paws, silly eyes and the energy that comes out of him in fits of excitement are so adorable. We took him home around 3 and hung out together the rest of the afternoon around the house, took a nap, chatted. Quiet way to end the long weekend.
I'm not sure what's up this coming week, I'm feeling some motivation on continuing with home improvement projects. Specifically, the basement would be next. I'd like to paint down there and reorganize a bit, perhaps rip that carpet up, but at the very least get it steam cleaned. All things that cost money that I don't have, but I can at least paint and organize it for pretty darn cheap. After the kitchen, I have a feeling the basement will feel like a piece of cake!
Onward and upward, love to you all.
peace
S
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
I Remember What Boys That Age Were Like
I have been in a form of denial about Max as of late. I've noticed it, it doesn't really effect me, except for it's become more than just some under the covers type of thing. The increasing rate at which he is "noticing" girls. Not just girls, women. He is generally stupified when a beautiful women walks by, is on the television or is on the cover of his favorite magazine. Speaking of magazines, he keeps bugging me to buy him these filthy magazines. Low Rider, yeah...you know the one. Nekked women draped all over some tricked out 76 Chevy Impala, with stripper heels on and something resembling a band aid. Nekked doesn't bother me, nekked is perfectly healthy and normal and we've sort of always been pretty open in our house. It's the way the women are objectified and how it is totally directed at men (achem boys) betweent the ages of 16 or so and about 21.
So, my son is joining the target demographic of all things directed at the hypersexualization of boys 16 - 21. I know the work I've done with him about safe sex and respect and good choices will have had some afffect on him. I trust him to some degree, we'll keep having those talks. BUT I REFUSE to buy him a Low Rider magazine and he can tell me it's because of the cars all he wants, yeah....okkaaaaay.
Contrary to whatever dillusion he's got in his head, I did NOT just fall off the back of a prude truck. Not in the least darling.
But Low Rider? Come on son, that stuff is just icky. At least go for something with a little more class.
Moving on...that said, Max noticed a flavored lip gloss that I'd purchased the other day. It's true, I buy flavored lip gloss. I might as well be 15 for all it's worth, I can't help it. I like fun stuff like that. Blue nail polish and glittery lip gloss. Oh well. I am who I am. Anyway, Max comments "Oh, that stuff tastes good!"
Silence.
Blank Stare.
Max! You little devil!
He proceeds to explain to me about the number of girls he is 'dating' at the moment and how the one he likes the most wears black cherry lip gloss. Apparently Max is quite the man all of the sudden and I felt it was a hint and I mean a STRONG hint that kissing wasn't all they were doing. I don't think it's what I think, yet. But I think I'd be a fool to ignore it. When a kid tells you stuff like that, it's best to file it under "Pay ATTENTION!" so that he doesn't end up a daddy before his time and I don't end up a grandmother before mine. Let's not forget who we are talking to hear, achem!
Welcome to the world of adolescent sex. How much fun. I am elated. Can't you tell? I can't wait to go home and talk to Max about how to use a condom and all the other stuff. It's not like we haven't talked about it before, but something about this feels a little bit different.
Good times.
So, my son is joining the target demographic of all things directed at the hypersexualization of boys 16 - 21. I know the work I've done with him about safe sex and respect and good choices will have had some afffect on him. I trust him to some degree, we'll keep having those talks. BUT I REFUSE to buy him a Low Rider magazine and he can tell me it's because of the cars all he wants, yeah....okkaaaaay.
Contrary to whatever dillusion he's got in his head, I did NOT just fall off the back of a prude truck. Not in the least darling.
But Low Rider? Come on son, that stuff is just icky. At least go for something with a little more class.
Moving on...that said, Max noticed a flavored lip gloss that I'd purchased the other day. It's true, I buy flavored lip gloss. I might as well be 15 for all it's worth, I can't help it. I like fun stuff like that. Blue nail polish and glittery lip gloss. Oh well. I am who I am. Anyway, Max comments "Oh, that stuff tastes good!"
Silence.
Blank Stare.
Max! You little devil!
He proceeds to explain to me about the number of girls he is 'dating' at the moment and how the one he likes the most wears black cherry lip gloss. Apparently Max is quite the man all of the sudden and I felt it was a hint and I mean a STRONG hint that kissing wasn't all they were doing. I don't think it's what I think, yet. But I think I'd be a fool to ignore it. When a kid tells you stuff like that, it's best to file it under "Pay ATTENTION!" so that he doesn't end up a daddy before his time and I don't end up a grandmother before mine. Let's not forget who we are talking to hear, achem!
Welcome to the world of adolescent sex. How much fun. I am elated. Can't you tell? I can't wait to go home and talk to Max about how to use a condom and all the other stuff. It's not like we haven't talked about it before, but something about this feels a little bit different.
Good times.
Monday, November 19, 2007
An Exciting Week Ahead And Weekend Workings
This past weekend was quiet, pretty lazy. Had a nice catch up chat with Crys on Friday and Matty came over that night for some dinner and beers. Nice to catch up, even if he did smell like a gas station :)
This coming week promises to be exciting and slightly demanding on the energy side of things. Mon - Wed it's going to be working like a mad woman, trying to close and wrap up the audit. Plus, I'm still trying to sell my clients on new application development, so it means getting my preverbal ducks in a row and quacking in unison before I can even present them with the new process revisions.
Max is going to his Dad's parents for Thanksgiving, our first holiday ever apart. It will be strange, though I have to say I'm not at all in the 'holiday' mood, so I'm not feeling terribly sentimental about it. We spent a lot of time together this weekend and he'll be home Saturday morning, so we'll still have a pretty normal routine. Except he's always really tired when he comes home from there and I, of course, always have this sense there's something he's not telling me.
Anyway, Thursday morning I have to get up and take Kasha for a nice long walk and then get ready to go pick up Kyler. Kyler is my friend Sandy's dog who I'm watching for her over the Thanksgiving holiday. I'm looking forward to this tremendously, Kyler is such a doll. Plus, I'm being compensated handsomely. A totally mutually beneficial situation for all involved. I'm taking Kyler up to my mom's for Thanksgiving, we'll prob stay up there and have some dinner and I'll come home Friday morning. I'm looking forward to seeing my mom, though I feel a little anxious about it also. There's so much she doesn't know and I guess, I just don't have the energy to face her with a lot of it or go through all the details. I know she's curious, but I already gave her a heads up that I'm just kind of not able to go into detail about it all right now, but when I'm ready I will. I realized hits weekend, why that is. Because it means I have to acknowledge that I've unintentionally harshly judged her for her own actions in the past. Let's just say my mom isn't the only one guilty of getting involved with men who weren't good for our family. I owe her an apology, that's for certain. I'll have to wrestle with that when I have more energy to do so. Coming out of this relationship has been a lot like working a 12 step program and one of those steps is admitting when I've been wrong and making amends to others. Talk about embracing 'humility.'
Friday I'll come home, prob need a nap and get Kasha and Kyler acclimated to one another. THAT should be interesting.
P will be here this weekend! Woop woop! I'll be meeting up with them Friday night, I'm totally looking forward to that:)
Saturday will be play time with Kyler when Max gets home. I think we'll take them all down to the Greenbelt and see how that goes. Saturday night will definitely need to be rest time with Maxter, then Sunday I'll take Kyler home and just chill.
Besides this thing with my mom, I also had another pretty startling realization this weekend. It's no secret that I'm a physical person, meaning that I can appreciate physical forms of affection. Luckily, I was raised in an environment where there was a lot of hugging and I spent countless hours snuggled up with my grandfather, it felt like the safest place in the world to me. Well, yesterday afternoon Max and I were watching a movie. Just chillin' in normal fashion, usually cozy with blankets and pillows and some what snuggly but he is a teenage boy and mostly finds any display of affection toward his mother a repulsive thought, when out of the blue he gets up to get a snack for us and comes down, hugs me pretty hard and kisses me on the cheek and tells me I'm a "good poo poo." For those of you who don't know, "poo poo" is my nickname. Don't ask, I don't know. It really caught me off guard and when he pulled away to go sit down, I had this blinding flash of realizing how much I miss being physically affectionate with someone else. In our day to day existence, we don't touch one another. People are so sterile with one another and since I don't spend a lot of time with much of anyone except Max and the people at my work, it's safe to say that between an environment where hugging my co-workers would be considered completely inappropriate (except Rhy, he's a hugger outside of work, which is nice) and living with my 15 year old who can only tolerate random moments of love in my direction, I think I'm feeling pretty physically starved. I had a similar realization while hugging Crystal good bye in the drive way of that massive house where we went to the Halloween party, because she might be the first adult in a very long long long time to hug me with such ferocious passion and love. But I think I was also just so happy to have that moment with her, those are the hugs you hold on to in your heart on the bad days. But this thing with Max really did startle me, it was like "Oh, that's right! I love to hug and be hugged! I AM a snuggle monster and I AM very good at it!" Like I'd forgotten or something. Because mostly I've had such a strong need to be alone and away from all things emotional outside of myself (Yes, yes I get it, I've been VERY self absorbed) that this may have been something that got lost.
It's not a sad thing, realizing this. Well, maybe a little, but probably in all the obvious ways you can imagine. I'm looking at more like rediscovering something valuable within me, like that I really can love and be loved back and that it feels great. That I'm not totally cold inside. Life is still budding within me, little green happy buds of my internal sunflowers:)
This coming week promises to be exciting and slightly demanding on the energy side of things. Mon - Wed it's going to be working like a mad woman, trying to close and wrap up the audit. Plus, I'm still trying to sell my clients on new application development, so it means getting my preverbal ducks in a row and quacking in unison before I can even present them with the new process revisions.
Max is going to his Dad's parents for Thanksgiving, our first holiday ever apart. It will be strange, though I have to say I'm not at all in the 'holiday' mood, so I'm not feeling terribly sentimental about it. We spent a lot of time together this weekend and he'll be home Saturday morning, so we'll still have a pretty normal routine. Except he's always really tired when he comes home from there and I, of course, always have this sense there's something he's not telling me.
Anyway, Thursday morning I have to get up and take Kasha for a nice long walk and then get ready to go pick up Kyler. Kyler is my friend Sandy's dog who I'm watching for her over the Thanksgiving holiday. I'm looking forward to this tremendously, Kyler is such a doll. Plus, I'm being compensated handsomely. A totally mutually beneficial situation for all involved. I'm taking Kyler up to my mom's for Thanksgiving, we'll prob stay up there and have some dinner and I'll come home Friday morning. I'm looking forward to seeing my mom, though I feel a little anxious about it also. There's so much she doesn't know and I guess, I just don't have the energy to face her with a lot of it or go through all the details. I know she's curious, but I already gave her a heads up that I'm just kind of not able to go into detail about it all right now, but when I'm ready I will. I realized hits weekend, why that is. Because it means I have to acknowledge that I've unintentionally harshly judged her for her own actions in the past. Let's just say my mom isn't the only one guilty of getting involved with men who weren't good for our family. I owe her an apology, that's for certain. I'll have to wrestle with that when I have more energy to do so. Coming out of this relationship has been a lot like working a 12 step program and one of those steps is admitting when I've been wrong and making amends to others. Talk about embracing 'humility.'
Friday I'll come home, prob need a nap and get Kasha and Kyler acclimated to one another. THAT should be interesting.
P will be here this weekend! Woop woop! I'll be meeting up with them Friday night, I'm totally looking forward to that:)
Saturday will be play time with Kyler when Max gets home. I think we'll take them all down to the Greenbelt and see how that goes. Saturday night will definitely need to be rest time with Maxter, then Sunday I'll take Kyler home and just chill.
Besides this thing with my mom, I also had another pretty startling realization this weekend. It's no secret that I'm a physical person, meaning that I can appreciate physical forms of affection. Luckily, I was raised in an environment where there was a lot of hugging and I spent countless hours snuggled up with my grandfather, it felt like the safest place in the world to me. Well, yesterday afternoon Max and I were watching a movie. Just chillin' in normal fashion, usually cozy with blankets and pillows and some what snuggly but he is a teenage boy and mostly finds any display of affection toward his mother a repulsive thought, when out of the blue he gets up to get a snack for us and comes down, hugs me pretty hard and kisses me on the cheek and tells me I'm a "good poo poo." For those of you who don't know, "poo poo" is my nickname. Don't ask, I don't know. It really caught me off guard and when he pulled away to go sit down, I had this blinding flash of realizing how much I miss being physically affectionate with someone else. In our day to day existence, we don't touch one another. People are so sterile with one another and since I don't spend a lot of time with much of anyone except Max and the people at my work, it's safe to say that between an environment where hugging my co-workers would be considered completely inappropriate (except Rhy, he's a hugger outside of work, which is nice) and living with my 15 year old who can only tolerate random moments of love in my direction, I think I'm feeling pretty physically starved. I had a similar realization while hugging Crystal good bye in the drive way of that massive house where we went to the Halloween party, because she might be the first adult in a very long long long time to hug me with such ferocious passion and love. But I think I was also just so happy to have that moment with her, those are the hugs you hold on to in your heart on the bad days. But this thing with Max really did startle me, it was like "Oh, that's right! I love to hug and be hugged! I AM a snuggle monster and I AM very good at it!" Like I'd forgotten or something. Because mostly I've had such a strong need to be alone and away from all things emotional outside of myself (Yes, yes I get it, I've been VERY self absorbed) that this may have been something that got lost.
It's not a sad thing, realizing this. Well, maybe a little, but probably in all the obvious ways you can imagine. I'm looking at more like rediscovering something valuable within me, like that I really can love and be loved back and that it feels great. That I'm not totally cold inside. Life is still budding within me, little green happy buds of my internal sunflowers:)
Friday, November 16, 2007
I'm Getting Better At This!
I guess sometimes we are just more able to deal with crisis, or when crisis occurs so often in a limited period of time ones perspective changes on what really constitutes 'crisis' and it becomes more like a 'challenge.'
This morning I reflected about how if the basement had flooded this time last week or a few weeks ago it might've put me right over the edge. Or the fact that I missed work (again) because of the basement and my boss while not directly crusty toward me, I know probably not happy with me at the moment. How knowing that I am on the 'list' of several people in my life and this helpless feeling like I can't make things right with any of them right now might've cut that very thin line I seem to be hanging on by right in half.
Something shifted though after last weeks very rough week. I realized that I can't make everyone happy all the time and with the number of directions my attention must take at any given moment, it's likely someone is going to be pissed at me, at some point, for some reason or another. That I'm doing the best that I can and that I've screwed up in a pretty fundamental core way, but it's not irreparable nor is all of within in my control to 'fix.'
Actually, I think I finally realized that in life, all in all...when all is said and done, we are all totally alone. Alone in the sense that our choices may ultimately leave us in a place that others can not help us out of. No matter how supportive, loving or compassionate the people in my life are...the fact is that I've got a gigantic black tarantula following me around, trying to drag me down and eat me up, and it must be dealt with. I've slayed some giant spiders in my day, I'm not even afraid of bugs or 8 legged things any how. I won't be killing this one anyway, just sending it home. But it IS up to me and it's going to take time. Sure it's been 5 months already and yeah, I thought I'd be in a better spot by now....but like all stubborn mules, I do things in my own time. When life is sparked into me though, I run with it. Always have, always will. I'm slowly coming back to life, but in the interim I think I can see the ways in which I am growing and becoming more the woman I want to be and thought that I was until I was taken down a few notches.
In the meantime, big black furry spiders and all....it's getting better, or at least my state of mind is getting better.
Love you all,
till next time,
S
This morning I reflected about how if the basement had flooded this time last week or a few weeks ago it might've put me right over the edge. Or the fact that I missed work (again) because of the basement and my boss while not directly crusty toward me, I know probably not happy with me at the moment. How knowing that I am on the 'list' of several people in my life and this helpless feeling like I can't make things right with any of them right now might've cut that very thin line I seem to be hanging on by right in half.
Something shifted though after last weeks very rough week. I realized that I can't make everyone happy all the time and with the number of directions my attention must take at any given moment, it's likely someone is going to be pissed at me, at some point, for some reason or another. That I'm doing the best that I can and that I've screwed up in a pretty fundamental core way, but it's not irreparable nor is all of within in my control to 'fix.'
Actually, I think I finally realized that in life, all in all...when all is said and done, we are all totally alone. Alone in the sense that our choices may ultimately leave us in a place that others can not help us out of. No matter how supportive, loving or compassionate the people in my life are...the fact is that I've got a gigantic black tarantula following me around, trying to drag me down and eat me up, and it must be dealt with. I've slayed some giant spiders in my day, I'm not even afraid of bugs or 8 legged things any how. I won't be killing this one anyway, just sending it home. But it IS up to me and it's going to take time. Sure it's been 5 months already and yeah, I thought I'd be in a better spot by now....but like all stubborn mules, I do things in my own time. When life is sparked into me though, I run with it. Always have, always will. I'm slowly coming back to life, but in the interim I think I can see the ways in which I am growing and becoming more the woman I want to be and thought that I was until I was taken down a few notches.
In the meantime, big black furry spiders and all....it's getting better, or at least my state of mind is getting better.
Love you all,
till next time,
S
Thursday, November 15, 2007
I'm Not A Drowned Rat
A perfect example of mother nature letting us know we've gone just on step to far. My pipes were FILLED with roots, lots of them. Fresh, sprouting roots. The irony? I have no tree. My neighbor has a tree and my plumber said if my pipes were this bad, then imagine how the nieghbor's must be.
Thank the good green earth for the most holiest of all insurance, The Sacred Home Warranty. 1 $50 check, 3 hours with a funny and adorable plumber and 2 glasses of iced tea later, I have a freshly plumbed pipes.
Back to work. uck.
I'm trying to ignore my emails and the barrage of drama surrounding it today. Think "loving, well intentioned and protective loved ones" meets "the most extreme case of denial I've ever witnessed" and you have a fundamental clash of values, core beliefs and I'm in middle, watching it all pass by with wonder. I tell you this, I would NEVER want to meet Mary in a dark alley if she were pissed at me:) It's good to have people like that on your side.
And for the record, let it be known that one DOES reap what they sow. Life is NOT forgiving, in any way. Lesson learned. Check.
I'm moving along now, thank you Universe for that nice kick in the ass. I must've needed it to move into the next phase of this journey.
Thank the good green earth for the most holiest of all insurance, The Sacred Home Warranty. 1 $50 check, 3 hours with a funny and adorable plumber and 2 glasses of iced tea later, I have a freshly plumbed pipes.
Back to work. uck.
I'm trying to ignore my emails and the barrage of drama surrounding it today. Think "loving, well intentioned and protective loved ones" meets "the most extreme case of denial I've ever witnessed" and you have a fundamental clash of values, core beliefs and I'm in middle, watching it all pass by with wonder. I tell you this, I would NEVER want to meet Mary in a dark alley if she were pissed at me:) It's good to have people like that on your side.
And for the record, let it be known that one DOES reap what they sow. Life is NOT forgiving, in any way. Lesson learned. Check.
I'm moving along now, thank you Universe for that nice kick in the ass. I must've needed it to move into the next phase of this journey.
huh?
My basement flooded last night....every single towel I own is soaked and starting to smell like....wet towel. Mmmm, yum.
I'm waiting for the plumber to come, hoping like hell this doesn't cost alot.
*taps fingers restlessly*
I cant' shower, flush my toilet or otherwise use water.
Oh well, maybe the plumber will be cute.
We'll see.
Updates as they become available.
I'm waiting for the plumber to come, hoping like hell this doesn't cost alot.
*taps fingers restlessly*
I cant' shower, flush my toilet or otherwise use water.
Oh well, maybe the plumber will be cute.
We'll see.
Updates as they become available.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Make it stop!
Please make it stop, it's like Robert Smith on acid singing about his cat.
It just keeps spinning in my head. Like a record baby, you spin me right round, right round....
Cat, I'm A Kitty Cat.
oh lord.
It just keeps spinning in my head. Like a record baby, you spin me right round, right round....
Cat, I'm A Kitty Cat.
oh lord.
Heh - Playlist Mania!
In case anyone here is wondering, I embed these playlists for my own personal use.
This new found sense of entitlement Max has is interesting to observe.
He whines and complains about why he can't get a job right now, but asking him to get up a little earlier so he can ride the bus to school so I can get off of work earlier, and thus be home with him earlier offends him somehow.
The endless (and I MEAN endless) discussions about getting a car, the zillions of dollars he seems to think he's going to have to actually purchase his first car never, ever stop. Within any given day, he will prattle on about this H3, Shelby GT or that Toyota Forerunner (yeah, I'm talking THAT huge) at least 10 different times. It's absurd. Not absurd that he'll have the success he desires some day, but absurd that he seems to think this kind of thing will just materialize with little to no effort on his part. When I remind him that he must have at least a C average (at least) to get his drivers permit, he acts as if I'm stomping all over his dream to become a BMXing, pro racing super stud star, like I'm just totally and completely full of shit.
When I attempt to assist him in getting organized with school on some level, for example a large English project he has due next Monday, he insists that he knows what I'm doing and to back off. All the while filled to the brim with attitude. I
Being a mother is one of the most beautiful experiences of my life thus far, I enjoy him and love him dearly. But today, I'm not really sure I recognize him and I wonder what Max will think of when he thinks back to these years. Right now, he pretty much hates my guts, which is not unexpected. It's not pleasant either.
I can't help but feel that the constant push/pull between teenagers and their parents not only benefits the child eventually, but the parent as well. The process helps the teenager begin to identify their own individuality and try on the many different archetypes they will explore through life. It gives the parent a glimpse of what life might be like for said teenager as he continues to grow and eventually leaves the nest. I think the idea, in the last remaining years at home, is to help Max polish the life skills he will need to achieve his own personal goals. In essence, it is the first real pre-test to life.
It's funny though, because this child resists my efforts at every single possible turn. I am left with little choice but to give it to him 100% straight.
Sorry Max, I know you won't always like me right now and I understand that. Mostly, the decisions you are making are equating in the current results you are experiencing right now. Unfortunately I am simply the messenger. Tough shit if you don't like riding the bus to school. If you think it's embarrassing or you don't want to get up that 20 minutes earlier to make it to the bus stop on time. Tough shit if you don't want to hear it that you can't have D's on your mid-term and get F's on finals and think your going to get your drivers permit before you are 16. It's too bad that you want to go riding all weekend with your friends, but haven't done your chores or your homework for the weekend. And I don't care if you don't think you should have to take out the garbage or walk the dog, guess what? At my house, you do. You will have to take out your own garbage when your a big grown up man and with all the dreams and aspirations you have, for which I am happy to hear that you do, you WILL have to walk your dog or someone's dog in some figurative sense.
I may not know much, but one thing I know for sure, nothing...not one single thing in life, just falls in your lap. It is all related, in some karmic way, to your efforts or lack thereof. Your work, your love, your spirit and your attitude.
In the amount of time you spent bitching and whining and complaining about what a horrible mother I am for reminding you that your grades are in poor shape so you should be working on that big English project diligently and that Monday night is garbage night, you could've spent that time doing something positive or loving or kind.
I love you son, with all my heart and I will always be there for you. No matter what, you may not always appreciate my methods or my choices and I the same in return, but we will always have each other. My love for you, however, does not mean I should coddle you or otherwise condone such negative behaviors or allow you to manipulate me. How I wish I could teach you everything you need to learn now so that life doesn't have to be difficult for you, but as always, you are teaching me volumes about life. And the one thing I'm learning in a big big way right now is that I can no longer hold your hand, especially if you will not accept my offers to do so. I cannot force your will. I can only guide you and be here for you.
I know it's been a hard year for us. I am sorry that you've seen the results of my own poor decisions and I am sorry that Chance disappointed you too. I am sorry that things are tighter for us financially more than ever and that I worry and that my stress level is so high. I know it's not fun to be around me when I'm in this place. These things are all unfair to you and for that I apologize. These things are not your fault and if nothing else, you have learned first hand what NOT to do from this situation. I will do whatever I can to rectify this situation, but ultimately, you are responsible for you and what you do. If you blow off school, you'll have to repeat those classes at your own expense. If you throw attitude at everyone, it's not going to help you achieve your goals. If you don't put some effort into your own life, you cannot point the finger at me and wonder why you can't have what you want like some spoiled little child. It's my job to nag you about school. It's my job to make you do your chores and take the dog for a walk. And it's my job to help you to learn how to treat people. It's my job to not always give you what you want, as much as I may want to. It's my job as the person who loves you more than anything on this planet, to be the one putting up the stop signs and setting up the boundaries when you can't do it for yourself.
As cliché' as it sounds, if I didn't care about you, I would've already given up. I know what that feels like, for people to give up on you. It's not good. I won't do that to you, but I won't casually sit by and watch you not take important things seriously, seriously enough at least. And, I won't bail you out every single you time you screw up. Not because I don't want to, trust me, I suffer right along with you. I can't bail you out every time Max, I just can't. It's not in your best interest, or mine as your mother. I believe in you, that is why. I know it makes you crazy that I do not submit to your every whim or that we aren't 'rich' like your friends or that you somewhere along the way got this notion in your head that you are not accountable for your own actions, but that's too bad. In time, it will all make a lot more sense.
And until then, we both need to take deep deep breathes.
He whines and complains about why he can't get a job right now, but asking him to get up a little earlier so he can ride the bus to school so I can get off of work earlier, and thus be home with him earlier offends him somehow.
The endless (and I MEAN endless) discussions about getting a car, the zillions of dollars he seems to think he's going to have to actually purchase his first car never, ever stop. Within any given day, he will prattle on about this H3, Shelby GT or that Toyota Forerunner (yeah, I'm talking THAT huge) at least 10 different times. It's absurd. Not absurd that he'll have the success he desires some day, but absurd that he seems to think this kind of thing will just materialize with little to no effort on his part. When I remind him that he must have at least a C average (at least) to get his drivers permit, he acts as if I'm stomping all over his dream to become a BMXing, pro racing super stud star, like I'm just totally and completely full of shit.
When I attempt to assist him in getting organized with school on some level, for example a large English project he has due next Monday, he insists that he knows what I'm doing and to back off. All the while filled to the brim with attitude. I
Being a mother is one of the most beautiful experiences of my life thus far, I enjoy him and love him dearly. But today, I'm not really sure I recognize him and I wonder what Max will think of when he thinks back to these years. Right now, he pretty much hates my guts, which is not unexpected. It's not pleasant either.
I can't help but feel that the constant push/pull between teenagers and their parents not only benefits the child eventually, but the parent as well. The process helps the teenager begin to identify their own individuality and try on the many different archetypes they will explore through life. It gives the parent a glimpse of what life might be like for said teenager as he continues to grow and eventually leaves the nest. I think the idea, in the last remaining years at home, is to help Max polish the life skills he will need to achieve his own personal goals. In essence, it is the first real pre-test to life.
It's funny though, because this child resists my efforts at every single possible turn. I am left with little choice but to give it to him 100% straight.
Sorry Max, I know you won't always like me right now and I understand that. Mostly, the decisions you are making are equating in the current results you are experiencing right now. Unfortunately I am simply the messenger. Tough shit if you don't like riding the bus to school. If you think it's embarrassing or you don't want to get up that 20 minutes earlier to make it to the bus stop on time. Tough shit if you don't want to hear it that you can't have D's on your mid-term and get F's on finals and think your going to get your drivers permit before you are 16. It's too bad that you want to go riding all weekend with your friends, but haven't done your chores or your homework for the weekend. And I don't care if you don't think you should have to take out the garbage or walk the dog, guess what? At my house, you do. You will have to take out your own garbage when your a big grown up man and with all the dreams and aspirations you have, for which I am happy to hear that you do, you WILL have to walk your dog or someone's dog in some figurative sense.
I may not know much, but one thing I know for sure, nothing...not one single thing in life, just falls in your lap. It is all related, in some karmic way, to your efforts or lack thereof. Your work, your love, your spirit and your attitude.
In the amount of time you spent bitching and whining and complaining about what a horrible mother I am for reminding you that your grades are in poor shape so you should be working on that big English project diligently and that Monday night is garbage night, you could've spent that time doing something positive or loving or kind.
I love you son, with all my heart and I will always be there for you. No matter what, you may not always appreciate my methods or my choices and I the same in return, but we will always have each other. My love for you, however, does not mean I should coddle you or otherwise condone such negative behaviors or allow you to manipulate me. How I wish I could teach you everything you need to learn now so that life doesn't have to be difficult for you, but as always, you are teaching me volumes about life. And the one thing I'm learning in a big big way right now is that I can no longer hold your hand, especially if you will not accept my offers to do so. I cannot force your will. I can only guide you and be here for you.
I know it's been a hard year for us. I am sorry that you've seen the results of my own poor decisions and I am sorry that Chance disappointed you too. I am sorry that things are tighter for us financially more than ever and that I worry and that my stress level is so high. I know it's not fun to be around me when I'm in this place. These things are all unfair to you and for that I apologize. These things are not your fault and if nothing else, you have learned first hand what NOT to do from this situation. I will do whatever I can to rectify this situation, but ultimately, you are responsible for you and what you do. If you blow off school, you'll have to repeat those classes at your own expense. If you throw attitude at everyone, it's not going to help you achieve your goals. If you don't put some effort into your own life, you cannot point the finger at me and wonder why you can't have what you want like some spoiled little child. It's my job to nag you about school. It's my job to make you do your chores and take the dog for a walk. And it's my job to help you to learn how to treat people. It's my job to not always give you what you want, as much as I may want to. It's my job as the person who loves you more than anything on this planet, to be the one putting up the stop signs and setting up the boundaries when you can't do it for yourself.
As cliché' as it sounds, if I didn't care about you, I would've already given up. I know what that feels like, for people to give up on you. It's not good. I won't do that to you, but I won't casually sit by and watch you not take important things seriously, seriously enough at least. And, I won't bail you out every single you time you screw up. Not because I don't want to, trust me, I suffer right along with you. I can't bail you out every time Max, I just can't. It's not in your best interest, or mine as your mother. I believe in you, that is why. I know it makes you crazy that I do not submit to your every whim or that we aren't 'rich' like your friends or that you somewhere along the way got this notion in your head that you are not accountable for your own actions, but that's too bad. In time, it will all make a lot more sense.
And until then, we both need to take deep deep breathes.
Monday, November 12, 2007
Mostly quiet weekend, spent Friday night with Rhy & M and the Mercury Cafe. I love that place, it's hard not to enjoy some of the only vegetarian/organic spots in Denver. Plus, it's just a cool place to kick it with good friends. Margaret is a DOLL, I love her. And Rhy and her are pretty sickening. New love is a gift unlike any other and their's is soemthing I can relate to. It is heartwarming. Max also enjoys Rhy, it's hard not to. Rhy is pretty wicked cool.
Saturday Howard came to help with some odds and ends about the house. I'm so grateful to him...for him, in our lives. I never feel judged or overtly criticized, even though I am not one of his 'perfect' children. Must be all that lawyer-ing that helps him to be a neutral source of both support and love, thank goodness for Howard on so many levels. He keeps us all on the level.
Child support order papers came in the mail, homeboy has start paying each month AND 50% of Max's medical. This was effective Nov 1st 2007, SOOOO if he doesn't pay from now on at least they can take it out of his check. I am thrilled about it, it will ease the financial issues with Max slightly.
Mood wise I am persistently flat or bordering on down, it's just what it is right now. I take comfort in knowing that I do find joy and laughter in my daily life, that I have not lost myself in the total depths of despair. Though, I do find it helpful to avoid too much deep thought about my current situation or past. It seems doing so gives me license to beat myself to a pulp internally and that goes no where good.
Sunday I just slept and ate brownies. I hate getting fat, but sometiems I don't feel like doing anything about it so I can't really bitch that I'm fat when I sit on the couch all day eating brownies now can I?
I'm missing Carin terribely, I had a dream about her this morning. She comes to me a lot when I am sad, she must be be baby sitting me from afar.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3BTomqsanSM
http://www.lyricsfreak.com/f/fleetwood+mac/sara_20054249.html
Saturday Howard came to help with some odds and ends about the house. I'm so grateful to him...for him, in our lives. I never feel judged or overtly criticized, even though I am not one of his 'perfect' children. Must be all that lawyer-ing that helps him to be a neutral source of both support and love, thank goodness for Howard on so many levels. He keeps us all on the level.
Child support order papers came in the mail, homeboy has start paying each month AND 50% of Max's medical. This was effective Nov 1st 2007, SOOOO if he doesn't pay from now on at least they can take it out of his check. I am thrilled about it, it will ease the financial issues with Max slightly.
Mood wise I am persistently flat or bordering on down, it's just what it is right now. I take comfort in knowing that I do find joy and laughter in my daily life, that I have not lost myself in the total depths of despair. Though, I do find it helpful to avoid too much deep thought about my current situation or past. It seems doing so gives me license to beat myself to a pulp internally and that goes no where good.
Sunday I just slept and ate brownies. I hate getting fat, but sometiems I don't feel like doing anything about it so I can't really bitch that I'm fat when I sit on the couch all day eating brownies now can I?
I'm missing Carin terribely, I had a dream about her this morning. She comes to me a lot when I am sad, she must be be baby sitting me from afar.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3BTomqsanSM
http://www.lyricsfreak.com/f/fleetwood+mac/sara_20054249.html
Friday, November 09, 2007
Ape-Shit Versus Bat-Shit
Quandary of the day:
What is the difference in the phrase "Ape-Shit" and "Bat-Shit"?
For example, you might hear a friend say something like "My dog goes bat-shit for Kong toys." or today I over heard a co-worker say "So and so is going to go ape-shit if we don't finish this today."
Please weigh in, discuss amongst yourselves as needed.
I cannot actually utter these two words out loud because it makes me laugh like a grammar schooler. I wish I could, these two phrases have an obvious implication of something...I just don't know what exactly?
Also, if you have not visited this website, I must insist that you do so immediately. It has kept me in giggles the entire day:
http://icanhascheezburger.com/
What is the difference in the phrase "Ape-Shit" and "Bat-Shit"?
For example, you might hear a friend say something like "My dog goes bat-shit for Kong toys." or today I over heard a co-worker say "So and so is going to go ape-shit if we don't finish this today."
Please weigh in, discuss amongst yourselves as needed.
I cannot actually utter these two words out loud because it makes me laugh like a grammar schooler. I wish I could, these two phrases have an obvious implication of something...I just don't know what exactly?
Also, if you have not visited this website, I must insist that you do so immediately. It has kept me in giggles the entire day:
http://icanhascheezburger.com/
Thursday, November 08, 2007
Sarah Facts
Cuz I need some distraction from work at the moment.....
- I adore the smell of banana's, but don't really care to eat them. Banana bread with cream cheese, that's another story all together. Actually, besides berries and melons I am not particularly keen on fruit over all. Put a vegetable in front of me though, and I mean ANY vegetable and I will happily engage.
- Colors are some of my favorite things in the world to experiment with, but I can't help my attraction to greens of all shades, dark blues and purples.
- I didn't graduate from high school and technically didn't complete the 9th grade.
- I did, however, get my GED and graduate from college at the same time as I would've if I had bothered to attend high school.
- Originally, I began attending school to become a graphic artist.
- Labor was extremely difficult, but even at such a young age, I absolutely adored being pregnant. There was something so warm about the whole thing and in all my naivitie, I knew something pretty amazing and huge was going on inside my belly. Reading and talking to "Max" before I even know he was a "Max" and eating massive quantities of oranges and watching Little House On The Prairie was our daily ritual from my 2nd trimester all the way until I went into labor. I was eating a tuna fish sandwhich when I went into labor. At that moment, I vowed never to eat tuna again. Luckily, I got over that. I LOVE TOOTER fish.
- The first tattoo I ever wanted was a small Tigger, holding a lilly and sitting up on his tail. I still don't have it.
- "An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind." Is my favorite new bumpersticker.
- I didn't learn to drive until I was 19 and refused to drive on the highway for about the first year I drove.
- I've never broken a bone or had a cavity filled. I think I have a cavity now though, I'm not sure.
- A dog bit me when I was about 8 or 9 years old, right through the thigh because I had not yet learned that not all animals are lucky enough to have families who love them. He was terrified of me and I remember trying to pet him, instead he let me have it. I didn't tell my mom at first because I'd heard they killed dogs who bit little girls. I had to tell her the next day though because it was really hurting. Good call on my part, since it was infected by the time we go to the doctor and I had to get a tetanous shot. I was SO mad at that dog for making me get a tetnous shot. It took 3 people to hold me down when I was a child to adminster a shot or take my blood. Needles were bad bad BAD and I fought back when people came at me with them. I wonder what ever happened to that dog...
- On the subject of dogs, my mom had a boyfriend who had a HUGE and I mean HUGE Rotwieler. His name was "Bear" and we were instant friends. My mom wasn't so sure about how physically close this dog and I'd become, sitting with my face next to the jaws of a 140 lb drooling Rotwieler seemed perfectly normal to me. Later in life, I had the same fears with my own son and a large dog. It's noraml. Anyway, this boyfriend lived in a secluded town very high in the rockies and getting to his house required a jeep ride. Bear and I did a lot of hiking together, many memories of my childhood were born that summer. There was a spot we liked to hike to together, I'd been warned that a brown bear had been spotted there a few weeks earlier. I was 11, I didn't care. Bear and I were rock hunting and I was overcome with the sense that there was something behind me. Totally like you'd see in a movie. I turned around, and there was an actual bear walking along the ridge. I was paralyzed with fear, I'll admit it. It was MUCH bigger than I'd ever thought a bear could be. Or maybe I felt very small. Bear the dog immediately put himself in between the brown bear and myself. Definately trying to protect me. He began growling and pushing me, aggressively in the opposite direction. Almost like he was hearding me or something. We walked slowly, but surely, back to the boyfriends cabin. All the while, Bear the dog kept himself firmly planted in my parameter. Circling me the whole way home. I was scared, definately...but when I told my mom about she pretty much went stark white immediately. We were forbidden from hiking together unattended and Bear the dog got an elk steak for dinner that night and slept with me in my bunk.
Deep Deep Deep Bref's
Deep breathe is pretty good stuff isn't it? It's become common practice for me these days.
When my heart begins to pound and I can feel the pulsing in my temples and heart it my ears.
When that thing in my stomach starts to tickle and well up, eventually becoming some alive entity all in it's own. Churning and making noises and trying desperately to get my attention.
When my mind begins to look back at things I am helpless to change and dwell on the sheer wonder at how absolutely horrid a person can be, how devious. At just how much I'd like to wring his little, scrawny, back stabbing, lying, thieving, deceiving, smoldering piece of shit, neck. At how much disgust I feel for loving someone so so SO fake and selfish and full of himself. At how long it's going to take to recover from making the simple mistake of trusting the wrong guy. At how much I'd love to just kick him ride in the southern region, to watch him cry and see him writhe. For even one single solitary second so that he might feel for even a brief period of what I feel. Take down that very healthy sense of pride and ego he's got, just a touch. Yeah, I said it and I do feel that way. Today anyway. I don't have the energy to apologize for how I feel.
At how much I absolutely deplore feeling so much negative emotion within me toward another person and toward myself. About anything, besides my sons father and the man that abused me, I'm not sure I've EVER felt such total ickiness toward someone else and I dislike it very very VERY much. I think it must go against my grain or something, because it feels absolutely awful. While everyone else is able to openly discuss their disgust for his choices, I am simply unable to even let the thoughts enter my head b/c I just can't do it. Except they are starting to seep in. Like the good ole fashion kick in the balls fantasy, retribution. Take that you little ....sigh.
Breathe.
I am so greatful to yoga and meditation for teaching me about breathand how powerful oxygen is, it has saved me many a panic attack and more recently, bursting into tears at the most inopportune time.
Breathe.
The breath of life.
Breathe. DEEEP DEEEP breath. Exhaaaaaaaaaaaaale.
In through the nose, out through the mouth.
Better.
When my heart begins to pound and I can feel the pulsing in my temples and heart it my ears.
When that thing in my stomach starts to tickle and well up, eventually becoming some alive entity all in it's own. Churning and making noises and trying desperately to get my attention.
When my mind begins to look back at things I am helpless to change and dwell on the sheer wonder at how absolutely horrid a person can be, how devious. At just how much I'd like to wring his little, scrawny, back stabbing, lying, thieving, deceiving, smoldering piece of shit, neck. At how much disgust I feel for loving someone so so SO fake and selfish and full of himself. At how long it's going to take to recover from making the simple mistake of trusting the wrong guy. At how much I'd love to just kick him ride in the southern region, to watch him cry and see him writhe. For even one single solitary second so that he might feel for even a brief period of what I feel. Take down that very healthy sense of pride and ego he's got, just a touch. Yeah, I said it and I do feel that way. Today anyway. I don't have the energy to apologize for how I feel.
At how much I absolutely deplore feeling so much negative emotion within me toward another person and toward myself. About anything, besides my sons father and the man that abused me, I'm not sure I've EVER felt such total ickiness toward someone else and I dislike it very very VERY much. I think it must go against my grain or something, because it feels absolutely awful. While everyone else is able to openly discuss their disgust for his choices, I am simply unable to even let the thoughts enter my head b/c I just can't do it. Except they are starting to seep in. Like the good ole fashion kick in the balls fantasy, retribution. Take that you little ....sigh.
Breathe.
I am so greatful to yoga and meditation for teaching me about breathand how powerful oxygen is, it has saved me many a panic attack and more recently, bursting into tears at the most inopportune time.
Breathe.
The breath of life.
Breathe. DEEEP DEEEP breath. Exhaaaaaaaaaaaaale.
In through the nose, out through the mouth.
Better.
Wednesday, November 07, 2007
One Day At A Time....Again!
Yesterday afternoon wasn't such a great way to wrap up my day. I think I am just over the limit on how much I can handle on any given day, I overwhelm easily it seems. Luckily, I got through the afternoon in tact and after a lot of tears, I felt alot better today. Maybe because I am just so tired, I don't really have any energy to fret about anything today.
I'm really done with it all though, feeling like a looser, fighting with the bank over Chance's bike, wondering if I'll have a place to live in 3 months, the crying. It's just exhausting me. And finally, I got it last night that I really am depressed. Probably in a very real way, unlike anything I've experienced before. One thing I keep counting on is that it will change, no matter good or bad, it will change. Something will move this along some how.
In the meantime, I am taking great joy in my son whom seems attached to me at the hip lately. Hey, I'll take it. He's a really specially dude, I've got 3, maybe 5 years left of him being at home with me and I'm not going to waste my time left with him. Besides, he gives me a reason to focus on something else besides how insane I feel lately. Plus, since he's hurt, he's sort of stuck with me at home and that's not so bad. We watch movies, eat pizza and ice cream and play with the animals.
We watched "You Kill Me" and "Sicko" last night. You Kill Me is hilarious, I love dark comedy. This was kind of a dark, comedy, surrealist, romance type of thing. Max and I both cracked up through most of it.
Sicko was a tough movie to watch, I've sort of had to put it out my mind and will try absorb it more when I am more able. Max fell asleep half way through it and kept kicking me on the couch in his sleep. Michael Moore is a brilliant individual, albeit one I'm not always sure is truthful or totally innocent of the spinning he so vehemently accuses the media and other public figures of doing. I did decide that I might just stop my bitching about life in general and move to France. It looks like that might be a good place for me. You can drink, smoke and eat alot of fatty food and STILL live much longer than the average American. Free health care, college, child care and support services. AND the government is terrified of it's people, not the other way around. What a concept! All joking aside, the movie was informative and sparked a sense of passion in me I haven't felt for a while. I cried of course through almost the entire thing, but I laughed pretty heartily during much of it as well. Sarcastic wit is hard to ignore.
I'm really done with it all though, feeling like a looser, fighting with the bank over Chance's bike, wondering if I'll have a place to live in 3 months, the crying. It's just exhausting me. And finally, I got it last night that I really am depressed. Probably in a very real way, unlike anything I've experienced before. One thing I keep counting on is that it will change, no matter good or bad, it will change. Something will move this along some how.
In the meantime, I am taking great joy in my son whom seems attached to me at the hip lately. Hey, I'll take it. He's a really specially dude, I've got 3, maybe 5 years left of him being at home with me and I'm not going to waste my time left with him. Besides, he gives me a reason to focus on something else besides how insane I feel lately. Plus, since he's hurt, he's sort of stuck with me at home and that's not so bad. We watch movies, eat pizza and ice cream and play with the animals.
We watched "You Kill Me" and "Sicko" last night. You Kill Me is hilarious, I love dark comedy. This was kind of a dark, comedy, surrealist, romance type of thing. Max and I both cracked up through most of it.
Sicko was a tough movie to watch, I've sort of had to put it out my mind and will try absorb it more when I am more able. Max fell asleep half way through it and kept kicking me on the couch in his sleep. Michael Moore is a brilliant individual, albeit one I'm not always sure is truthful or totally innocent of the spinning he so vehemently accuses the media and other public figures of doing. I did decide that I might just stop my bitching about life in general and move to France. It looks like that might be a good place for me. You can drink, smoke and eat alot of fatty food and STILL live much longer than the average American. Free health care, college, child care and support services. AND the government is terrified of it's people, not the other way around. What a concept! All joking aside, the movie was informative and sparked a sense of passion in me I haven't felt for a while. I cried of course through almost the entire thing, but I laughed pretty heartily during much of it as well. Sarcastic wit is hard to ignore.
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