An Exciting Week Ahead And Weekend Workings

This past weekend was quiet, pretty lazy. Had a nice catch up chat with Crys on Friday and Matty came over that night for some dinner and beers. Nice to catch up, even if he did smell like a gas station :)

This coming week promises to be exciting and slightly demanding on the energy side of things. Mon - Wed it's going to be working like a mad woman, trying to close and wrap up the audit. Plus, I'm still trying to sell my clients on new application development, so it means getting my preverbal ducks in a row and quacking in unison before I can even present them with the new process revisions.

Max is going to his Dad's parents for Thanksgiving, our first holiday ever apart. It will be strange, though I have to say I'm not at all in the 'holiday' mood, so I'm not feeling terribly sentimental about it. We spent a lot of time together this weekend and he'll be home Saturday morning, so we'll still have a pretty normal routine. Except he's always really tired when he comes home from there and I, of course, always have this sense there's something he's not telling me.

Anyway, Thursday morning I have to get up and take Kasha for a nice long walk and then get ready to go pick up Kyler. Kyler is my friend Sandy's dog who I'm watching for her over the Thanksgiving holiday. I'm looking forward to this tremendously, Kyler is such a doll. Plus, I'm being compensated handsomely. A totally mutually beneficial situation for all involved. I'm taking Kyler up to my mom's for Thanksgiving, we'll prob stay up there and have some dinner and I'll come home Friday morning. I'm looking forward to seeing my mom, though I feel a little anxious about it also. There's so much she doesn't know and I guess, I just don't have the energy to face her with a lot of it or go through all the details. I know she's curious, but I already gave her a heads up that I'm just kind of not able to go into detail about it all right now, but when I'm ready I will. I realized hits weekend, why that is. Because it means I have to acknowledge that I've unintentionally harshly judged her for her own actions in the past. Let's just say my mom isn't the only one guilty of getting involved with men who weren't good for our family. I owe her an apology, that's for certain. I'll have to wrestle with that when I have more energy to do so. Coming out of this relationship has been a lot like working a 12 step program and one of those steps is admitting when I've been wrong and making amends to others. Talk about embracing 'humility.'

Friday I'll come home, prob need a nap and get Kasha and Kyler acclimated to one another. THAT should be interesting.

P will be here this weekend! Woop woop! I'll be meeting up with them Friday night, I'm totally looking forward to that:)

Saturday will be play time with Kyler when Max gets home. I think we'll take them all down to the Greenbelt and see how that goes. Saturday night will definitely need to be rest time with Maxter, then Sunday I'll take Kyler home and just chill.

Besides this thing with my mom, I also had another pretty startling realization this weekend. It's no secret that I'm a physical person, meaning that I can appreciate physical forms of affection. Luckily, I was raised in an environment where there was a lot of hugging and I spent countless hours snuggled up with my grandfather, it felt like the safest place in the world to me. Well, yesterday afternoon Max and I were watching a movie. Just chillin' in normal fashion, usually cozy with blankets and pillows and some what snuggly but he is a teenage boy and mostly finds any display of affection toward his mother a repulsive thought, when out of the blue he gets up to get a snack for us and comes down, hugs me pretty hard and kisses me on the cheek and tells me I'm a "good poo poo." For those of you who don't know, "poo poo" is my nickname. Don't ask, I don't know. It really caught me off guard and when he pulled away to go sit down, I had this blinding flash of realizing how much I miss being physically affectionate with someone else. In our day to day existence, we don't touch one another. People are so sterile with one another and since I don't spend a lot of time with much of anyone except Max and the people at my work, it's safe to say that between an environment where hugging my co-workers would be considered completely inappropriate (except Rhy, he's a hugger outside of work, which is nice) and living with my 15 year old who can only tolerate random moments of love in my direction, I think I'm feeling pretty physically starved. I had a similar realization while hugging Crystal good bye in the drive way of that massive house where we went to the Halloween party, because she might be the first adult in a very long long long time to hug me with such ferocious passion and love. But I think I was also just so happy to have that moment with her, those are the hugs you hold on to in your heart on the bad days. But this thing with Max really did startle me, it was like "Oh, that's right! I love to hug and be hugged! I AM a snuggle monster and I AM very good at it!" Like I'd forgotten or something. Because mostly I've had such a strong need to be alone and away from all things emotional outside of myself (Yes, yes I get it, I've been VERY self absorbed) that this may have been something that got lost.

It's not a sad thing, realizing this. Well, maybe a little, but probably in all the obvious ways you can imagine. I'm looking at more like rediscovering something valuable within me, like that I really can love and be loved back and that it feels great. That I'm not totally cold inside. Life is still budding within me, little green happy buds of my internal sunflowers:)