I'm Getting Better At This!

I guess sometimes we are just more able to deal with crisis, or when crisis occurs so often in a limited period of time ones perspective changes on what really constitutes 'crisis' and it becomes more like a 'challenge.'

This morning I reflected about how if the basement had flooded this time last week or a few weeks ago it might've put me right over the edge. Or the fact that I missed work (again) because of the basement and my boss while not directly crusty toward me, I know probably not happy with me at the moment. How knowing that I am on the 'list' of several people in my life and this helpless feeling like I can't make things right with any of them right now might've cut that very thin line I seem to be hanging on by right in half.

Something shifted though after last weeks very rough week. I realized that I can't make everyone happy all the time and with the number of directions my attention must take at any given moment, it's likely someone is going to be pissed at me, at some point, for some reason or another. That I'm doing the best that I can and that I've screwed up in a pretty fundamental core way, but it's not irreparable nor is all of within in my control to 'fix.'

Actually, I think I finally realized that in life, all in all...when all is said and done, we are all totally alone. Alone in the sense that our choices may ultimately leave us in a place that others can not help us out of. No matter how supportive, loving or compassionate the people in my life are...the fact is that I've got a gigantic black tarantula following me around, trying to drag me down and eat me up, and it must be dealt with. I've slayed some giant spiders in my day, I'm not even afraid of bugs or 8 legged things any how. I won't be killing this one anyway, just sending it home. But it IS up to me and it's going to take time. Sure it's been 5 months already and yeah, I thought I'd be in a better spot by now....but like all stubborn mules, I do things in my own time. When life is sparked into me though, I run with it. Always have, always will. I'm slowly coming back to life, but in the interim I think I can see the ways in which I am growing and becoming more the woman I want to be and thought that I was until I was taken down a few notches.

In the meantime, big black furry spiders and all....it's getting better, or at least my state of mind is getting better.

Love you all,
till next time,
S