mmmmmm, someone is making fresh coffee in the kitchen at my office. Smells delish, alas, I haven't had coffee in quite some time but even if I wanted it, I'm cut off. I am no longer allowed coffee, tea or other caffeinated beverages until my next check up. And no over the counter cold or sinus medications that aren't specifically for those with high blood pressure. No cigarettes (duh, nasty anyway!) and less salt (dammit!) and more exercise. High blood pressure is a bitch. Before anyone gets all up in arms and starts cussing me about my health, this was discovered when I went in for the antibiotics to kill this nasty crud I've had for weeks. But, the high blood pressure could also very well be a symptom of the Alports (the heditary kidney disease in my family which I have) progressing. My grandmother requires blood pressure meds and has since her late 30's. There's a certain amount I can do with diet, etc, but eventually, I'll probably have to start taking actual medications to lower my blood pressure. It's a known side effect in women. Guess that's not really any less alarming. Mostly, I just have to do what I'm doing and focus on getting well. On many levels.
Max is off w/ the grandparents for about a week. Not much to really say there, he'll come home with the usual attitude about chores and what not, but it will fade. He's getting a new bed this weekend, so I know he's looking forward to that.
Sans the raging upper respitory infection I have, our Holiday Break was nice together. Max seems happy with his gifts and I mostly rested and slept and avoided all things social if at all possible. Except I had a lovely dinner with Mary & Family, cut short by the hacking cough and my feeling of general nastiness. I also visited with H's family on Christmas Eve and that was fun, they are an interesting group. Matt's in the right spot, that's for sure. Good, nice girl. Can't go wrong there:) Anyway, I made it about 3/4's the way through that dinner and we had to go. After Helen and I spilled our drinks all over the place and made a mess like a couple of grammar schoolers. To bad, we couldn't blame it on Matt like usual :)
Mary & Howard totally spoiled me as always, maybe that new vacuum with the Hepa filter will filter all the nastiness out of my life! I LOVE LOVE LOVE the purse they got me, it's so cute and definitely me. She totally nailed it, I was impressed. Guess she knows me pretty well:) My aunty MB also sent this amazing piece of art that I can't wait to hang, which is good timing b/c after solstice/xmas decorations come down, I am totally revamping the placing of my art work and the general look and feel of my home. It's very scattered at the moment, I've not had the energy I guess. But I have just the place. Oh and the thoughtful wind chime that Matt & Helen got for me, I don't what it is about wind chimes. They just make me happy. The way they look and sound. Not high chimey ones, the lower, metal and wood tones. Anywhoozle, my home will be getting some thing like a make over in the coming months.
It's been snowing off and on here for over a week, we got like 15 or 20 inches out of these past two storms, I love it. Especially when I can be home in bed. Which I was on both days it went nuts outside. It's cold though, that bitter January/February air is settling in.
My internal thoughts are of great reflection with the New Year approaching. I keep thinking to this time last year and how unhappy I was, but I couldn't really see it yet. Though, this time last year we were buried in 3 feet of snow, so that part was ok:) There was also an event that occurred during this time last year that began tipping the scales between Chance and I in a major way and it sort of went down hill from there. Quickly. Man hindsight stings like a mother.
I think of how trying this year has been, how mostly there have been deep deep lows, but with those lows I am able to see how far I've already come from a pretty devastating experience. I still find myself filled with a certain kind of very strong emotion because of that man. The lies, the deceit, the total betrayal. My own inability to really clue in on the wool being pulled over my eyes and my own poor choices and how they will be affecting me for many many years to come. It does, upset me. Naturally. I still, just cannot grasp the concept of how someone can think it's ok to behave in such a manner and do absolutely nothing to rectify the situation. It boggles my mind, but I know that questioning the person I thought I knew and the person he actually is totally pointless. What comes out of my processing this information is mostly that while this year has been incredibly painful, it has also been undeniably the most educational in my life for some time. I think I learned some very core life pieces, important things that I may not have learned as a young woman for whatever reason. Mostly my personal strength, which faltered greatly during my time with Chance, and ability to persevere has been affirmed. I also realized that as we age, we aren't quite as resilient as we once were. Perhaps we feel we have more to loose, perhaps we are not as energetic or maybe it's just that with time, you are able to see forward in ways you can't when you are a young and inexperienced 20 something. I've emerged from this situation a far stronger individual than I went into it. I learned a lot, about love, about who you let into your life, about how easy it is to get lost in things that don't matter, about trust, compassion and humility. Let me not stutter on that word! H-U-M-I-L-I-T-Y!
Don't let me forget either, to mention the incredible support system I am surrounded by; which also became startlingly clear this year. This year, whether by choice or default, has narrowed my relationships down to the very select few who've always been there. Have loved and honored me and who I am. As a woman, as a mother, as a friend, as a loved one. Though my relationships have suffered, the healing is progressing. As am I :)
I could probably ramble on for hours, and may as the mood strikes, about this past year. It's been one for the record books, no doubt.
2008: It's going to take a lot of hard work, that work is just beginning. I envision this coming year being about continuing on my journey of growth, making attempts at it anyway. Filling up the all that's been drained from me. Financially, spiritually, physically. Tentatively, I know I'll begin to socialize again, though I don't know when or what that looks like. I am not sure I'll even have much time. I am happily surrounded by a loving group of people, I really don't have the energy or time to add to that pot any time soon, but I think at some point, I will begin branching out again. I'm just to extroverted not to, I like people. I like spending time with interesting new people. I enjoy doing things, going to movies and spending time outside. Alot of these were things that were hampered this past year and during my time in the oblivion. I totally lost myself. I predict that will change in 2008.
I also predict that this time next year, I will have grown another olive branch and I will be an even sweeter tree fruit than today.
Yay Tree Fruits:)
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