Deep Deep Deep Bref's

Deep breathe is pretty good stuff isn't it? It's become common practice for me these days.

When my heart begins to pound and I can feel the pulsing in my temples and heart it my ears.

When that thing in my stomach starts to tickle and well up, eventually becoming some alive entity all in it's own. Churning and making noises and trying desperately to get my attention.

When my mind begins to look back at things I am helpless to change and dwell on the sheer wonder at how absolutely horrid a person can be, how devious. At just how much I'd like to wring his little, scrawny, back stabbing, lying, thieving, deceiving, smoldering piece of shit, neck. At how much disgust I feel for loving someone so so SO fake and selfish and full of himself. At how long it's going to take to recover from making the simple mistake of trusting the wrong guy. At how much I'd love to just kick him ride in the southern region, to watch him cry and see him writhe. For even one single solitary second so that he might feel for even a brief period of what I feel. Take down that very healthy sense of pride and ego he's got, just a touch. Yeah, I said it and I do feel that way. Today anyway. I don't have the energy to apologize for how I feel.

At how much I absolutely deplore feeling so much negative emotion within me toward another person and toward myself. About anything, besides my sons father and the man that abused me, I'm not sure I've EVER felt such total ickiness toward someone else and I dislike it very very VERY much. I think it must go against my grain or something, because it feels absolutely awful. While everyone else is able to openly discuss their disgust for his choices, I am simply unable to even let the thoughts enter my head b/c I just can't do it. Except they are starting to seep in. Like the good ole fashion kick in the balls fantasy, retribution. Take that you little ....sigh.

Breathe.

I am so greatful to yoga and meditation for teaching me about breathand how powerful oxygen is, it has saved me many a panic attack and more recently, bursting into tears at the most inopportune time.

Breathe.

The breath of life.

Breathe. DEEEP DEEEP breath. Exhaaaaaaaaaaaaale.

In through the nose, out through the mouth.

Better.