I'm a little yuck today, both physically and emotionally. I've got a cold of sorts I think, sinus thing maybe. It's either going to get a lot worse or a lot better, I'm just letting it take it's course and drinking gallons of water and orange juice and taking my EmergenC, which actually does seem to have an affect on the severity and length of my colds. A free commercial for the makers of EmergenC.
Emotionally, I'm a little run down I think because the holidays are a time for friends and family and I feel incredibly isolated at the moment. Which isn't a negative thing necessarily as solitude has been my preference these past months. However, I feel a slight tug on the heart strings as my inner circle provides me with the details about their plans for the long holiday weekend, which mostly involved a lot of time with their significant others and their families. This year, Max and I will be spending time with Mary & Howard as is our tradition and that will be quite enjoyable and I am feel allot of joy about the idea that hits holiday season will be very, very quiet for us. Consider that the previous year was not so great for me, it wasn't terrible, but it was filled with a fair amount of turmoil and unhappiness in my home. The previous year before that we were moving into the house and I had a houseful of people, who, quite frankly, were not exactly respectful of the fact that Chance and I just moved into our first house together and essentially spent the entire weekend partying at my house while I was trying to move in and get my house set up. I participated one of those nights for sure, we had lots of fun, but I know I felt pretty frustrated with everyone by the time it was all said and done. Including Chance. So, to say that I am NOT looking forward to a quiet weekend ahead would be a lie and it pleases me that it will be just Max and I. On many levels, Max and I are still working to regain some time that has been lost between us and I am happy for that. I feel no envy for all the hustle and bustle I see about me, my minimal shopping is done, my cards are sent and I won't be going from house to house trying to squeeze in time with everyone. Max and I will be mostly at home and that idea, does sit quite well with me.
What does sting a little, is that as I watch the world in chaos around me, I'm left wondering what it is that prompts such feelings of loneliness and the not so great kind of isolation I've been feeling these past few weeks. Sometimes I think Holidays are designed to serve as reminder of all the things you don't have, or the things society wants you to feel guilty for not having. And the reality is that your close friends and families do have their own lives. Max and I have been invited to a number of 'orphan' Christmas Eve & Christmas day parties. Maybe we'll go, I'll consult with Max. We aren't orphans, but are, in some ways too. And I'm going to stop feeling yucky, b/c I there is so much to be thankful for this year! So very very much, more than in years past it seems. Becuase this year, I have my sanity, my amazing family and close close friend AND while I may feel depressed and lonely, it makes sense and it's ok and I can honor that and let it be what it is.
I also know that I am feeling a bit of cabin fever at home and that might have something to do with the funk. Don't mistake this comment as lack of love for my baby, but he is, TOTALLY driving me up the wall this past week. He's not being nasty or negative or difficult at all. No, it's the opposite - he just wants to 'play' with me. All the time. I MEAN ALL the time. It is much like having a 2 year old at the moment. By this I mean that he essentially doesn't seem interested in doing anything but hanging out at home, with me and thus, seems to expect me to entertain him. Which while I appreciate the time with him dearly and of anyone, I'd prefer time with him, but I also enjoy some level of physical space on occasion and he seems quite offended when I ask for it. I am doing my best to enjoy this time with him because I know it's bound to change eventually, but I sometimes get the feeling that he's purposefully following me around the house and throwing his pillow at me and trying to tickle me and teasing me relentlessly to get a rise out of me and nothing more. Perhaps, because he is bored and finds me entertaining. Again, this behavior seems pretty juvenile and I can't quite put my finger on it, but I think also think he's feeling extra clingy lately, maybe because he just wants to feel like everything is solid. So I can do that, but have you ever tried to read a book with your 6'2" teenager peering over your shoulder and snapping his gum? Or, take a bath or shower with him knocking on the door and wanting to know when I'll be done b/c he has a question for me? Or trying to hang out with him and watch a movie, yet the entire time he's kicking and poking me with his toes. And those nasty toenails?
This probably all sounds hilarious and your wondering what's the big deal? It's been this way for months, it's not new. The short of it is that I think I need a little adult time. OUTSIDE of the house. With actual people. AND Max, needs to go do dude things with kids his age. This will all happen soon enough, I know. So I'll enjoy this weekend while he pokes at me the entire time and doesn't give me a moments rest unless he's sleeping :)
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