Sarah's 2010 Year In Review

Shew, is this time again already? Every year the Holidays sneak up on me faster and faster and I find myself each year being less and less surprised by this. It really is true that life seems to pass you by in a flash (or is that we just start paying more attention to the quality of moments as we age?) and time seems to move a little quicker every day, week, month and year that goes by.

For me, it has been a year of transitions, challenges, rewards and much needed and appreciated relief. Max has been in Casper well over a year now and I can tell you, it’s taken me this long to acclimate. I have to say though, in retrospect, I believe it was the best thing that could have happened for the both of us. I miss him every day, I fret over his future, I wonder if he’s eating enough and taking good care of himself. I guess that is never going to go away? That said, the relationship that is blossoming between us is more than I could have ever hoped for. He seems to have gained significant insights within the past 16 months (as have I), as I suppose getting out into the world and on your own can do to a person. Max has experienced a lot more “real life” in the past year and I can tell it’s aged him in all the good ways. He has his own apartment, vehicle and job to maintain on a regular basis. Sometimes I wish he’d had a little more of being a “kid” to enjoy. How I’d hoped he would have more of a traditional high school/college experience. We all want that for our own kids, to hope that they have more opportunities and less life stress. I am learning quickly that a person’s future can hold many forms. Formal education is not for everyone. Though, deep down I’d be thrilled if Max returned to education sooner rather than later, I am learning to trust him and that his path is his own and what he needs from me is for me to be in his corner. And I am. He makes it easy. He’s doing well for himself and while I would have liked things to not be quite so “real” for him at the tender age of 18, I see him trudging his way through it and learning and coping well and making pretty good decisions over all. What the future holds for him I am not entirely sure, he’s a young man trying different things to see what works for him. I can’t fault him for trying on all his different “selves” – it is part of the process, but I surely do appreciate how much closer we seem to have gotten as a result of the changes and a little distance. I am thrilled that I am the first person he calls if he has a question about some random thing or just needs me to listen. He’s clear that he can call on me if he needs something, that I may not be able to fix it, but that I am there no matter what. And when he’s “home” with mom, he hugs me like he means it and I get all the juicy details about day to day life. It’s good stuff. What else can a momma bear ask for?




In baby news, babies have been in abundance this year! My sister Rose, had her first son and made me the proud Aunty of little Clark William McKinney on Saturday, November 7, 2009 at 11:18 a.m. weighing 6 lbs, 9 oz and measuring 19.5 inches long. He is like the COOLEST most awesomely blond haired little toe head yet (of course besides Max) and am really impressed by what great parents Rose and Michael are to their wee tot. My dear friend Becky had her youngest just a few short weeks ago in mid December and he’s an absolute doll. I love her whole family and am so pleased to have her back in Colorado! My best friend Kirsten’s family brought home their first baby in 17+ years the week of Thanksgiving 2010, little Lily. So sweet, looks just like her daddy. I love all these babies, they are so warm and snuggly and a very gentle reminder of the beauty of youth and life.

I bought a new car in the spring of 2010. As many of you know, I am fan of the automobile and am enjoying my new Subaru to the utmost. Wish it would SNOW in the Denver Area so I could enjoy it, dammit! Next, a new sound system will be installed as I plan on driving this Subie for a while and momma needs her beats!

Another new addition to the family this year was Bella, a faun female pug. As many of you may remember, Bailey (black female pug) came home with me in March 2009. Bella came home in late June 2010 at almost exactly 2 months old. She is now closing in on 8 months old and she is a HANDFULL! It is, as they say, like having a toddler in the house X 2. Bailey is uber maternal with Bella and teaches, nurtures and snuggles (and occasionally disciplines) Bella. Bella is fiercely curious about all things, especially about whatever I am doing and the cats. Bella is convinced that Gaia isn’t really allowed to live in the same house and “tattles” on her to me all the time. Pumpkin is still alive and kicking (really, real talk!) and Gaia(THE most enchanting black witchy cat ever) watches all the madness from her perch, taking it in and disapproving where necessary. If my house sounds like fur ball chaos, it is. It’s great. My niece Bethany (Kristen’s daughter and approximately Max’s age) has also been spending more time with me and helping me with the dogs. She’s an angel, I absolutely adore her.



I know that my work has partly been responsible for whisking the year by at break neck speed. I have acquired many new duties, responsibilities and skills this year and it’s been incredibly rewarding and challenging alike. There have also been some big changes internally as well that have caused all of us to acclimate to a new way of doing things and doing our best to keep up with the changes in a positive and focused manner. We do it though, I am constantly in awe of my team-mates, how dedicated and talented they all are. It is an honor to work with such a great group of individuals. The coming year is looking similar, we are rewriting some of our core applications and the entire team will be dedicated to that in early 2011. I’m really hoping to be able to focus on getting more shiny new programming skills under my belt, but we’ll see, those “other duties as assigned” in my job description seem to have infinite definitions, possibilities and demands.

We had many good friends move out of state this year which while I am sad to have seen them go, I feel joy in knowing that they are all experiencing new opportunities along the way. I wish you all the best and hope to see you soon!

Dave started a new job in August. It is going well, as well as his industry can support at the moment anyway, but he is seriously considering changing career paths at 30-achem-something, which I support 100%. He’s a hard working, wonderful person who is pretty good to me. I feel very lucky.

I lost a dear friend in September to cancer. He fought bravely for many years and it was a bit more sudden then anyone could have anticipated. He is dearly missed.

After about 2 years deliberation, the tonsils finally came out in October 2010. Admittedly, I was very nervous about the surgery. I’d heard some pretty awful things but really, I couldn’t have asked for a better experience all things considered. The surgery itself went great – no anesthesia hiccups (thank you medical staff at Lutheran Hospital!) and my recovery, while long, exceeded my expectations. Dave and Kristen did their best to take care of me and I was kept entertained while not sleeping by reading, Facebook, gaming, etc….3 weeks at home before I could return to work, about 8 weeks total before the area was healed and not noticeably annoying. Since, I have not had a single bout of strep throat, ear infection, sinus infection or illness more annoying that a very mild cold that lasted all of the 3 days. This is how *normal* people feel? Amazing. I should have done it years ago. I am just so thankful that I have an employer who was supportive of the time off needed to have the surgery and recover. What a blessing!

All in all, that pretty much sums up the big stuff for this year. I am blessed, loved and love life. I have learned and lived so very much this year, connected and reconnected with many wonderful souls along the way and had many great adventures that I can’t help but feel absolute gratitude. There are always ups and downs in any period of time, but with age I am learning how to cope with loss and stress more effectively each day. Even the aging part is growing on me, though the more predominant laugh lines and crows feet? Those are taking some getting used to!

Next year, I am looking forward to some time off that doesn’t involve me laid up in bed recovering from something and hopefully, I’ll be seeing more friends and family as a result and continuing to build on those relationships which make me feel so incredibly fortunate. Max is planning another visit in July, or we may go out there, I’m not sure yet. We talk so regularly that even though he’s far away, it doesn’t feel that way most days. I’ll still snatch up any opportunity I get to mom him though and enjoy all his uniqueness. No plans to move or anything major in the coming year, keeping it simple is the plan and I’m A-ok with that!

Please see the attached photo’s for your pleasure and yes, I am that person. I humiliate my animals by dressing them up :) Also, I apologize for the lack of “Dave” pics, he is realllllly not into having his picture taken!

Wishing you all the best in 2011!

Love & hugs all,
Sarah

Turkey Day Recap

Wednesday
Excused from work early, went home and baked and prepped for Thanksgiving. Bowled with D on the Wii, getting better every day. Some day, I will win.

Thursday
Up at 7 AM with the dogs and started cooking/cleaning immediately. Lots of coffee. Dinner by 1 PM, was way to much food for two people and two puggies. Puggies indulged (see below) happily, Gaia and Pumpkin just licked the gravy off their turkey. Didn’t even eat the turkey! Cats…such food snobs. Cleaned up the kitchen (sort of) and Dave and I basically slept the rest of the day, we had an extremely busy week, both in preparation for the holiday and at work. I heard from Pam via text, she wants to “talk soon?” I don’t have a response for that whole issue at the moment. I’m not ready, I don’t think. I didn’t call anyone on the holiday. I don’t feel guilty for some reason. Maybe I’m getting more comfortable with being ok with people not liking me all the time for not living up to their standards or what I’m “supposed” to do. There are STILL leftovers in the fridge and we are going on almost a week later. It will be the last time I cook an actual turkey tho, so gross. All that skin and bones and tendons and stuff. I’m just not cut out to be a carnivore, even though it was delicious and I thanked it a number of times while Dave stared at me like I was fresh out of the loony bin.

Friday
Woke up early, continued cleaning up the volumes of dishes from the previous day’s festivities. Played with the dogs and dinked around for about an hour before heading up the mountain to see Max. Was a beautiful morning in town, but the clouds were looming once I got up the mountain a bit. It was spitting snow and wind once I got to Idaho Springs and I anxiously awaited Max’s arrival at our pre-determined spot. He was there rather promptly, got out of the car looking like natural born snow border, clad in all the gear, complete with hat. AND A GOATEE! He’s got fuzz on his face, what the heck! It’s adorable, I loves it, but it took me back a bit. We went to a lovely café for brunch, I had the vegetarian eggs benedict, he had French toast and sausage. We chatted over tea and Coca Cola, did a lot of catching up. Much of which I’m still processing, most profoundly though seem to be his insights on the previous few years and his behavior and my behavior and how we landed to where we are today. He mentioned that he was sorry that he’d been such an “ass” to me, that he really was acting like a jerk and doing his best to make me feel like crap so he’d get what he wanted. He admitted that living in WY wasn’t at all what he expected and that getting to know his dad has been a good experience, but again, not at all what he expected. He said, and I quote “Now I know why you guys aren’t together. There’s no possible way you two could put up with each other.” We both laughed at that and for maybe the first time in a long time, I saw it like that instead of having mixed feelings about the man that is my baby’s daddy. I also got a serious glimpse into Max’s young psyche, has he been wondering all this time why we aren’t together? I honestly hadn’t really thought of that, I guess perhaps I just assumed it was obvious. But not to someone who doesn’t know Sean and Max, didn’t really know Sean until probably the last 18 months or so and living with someone is a whole different set of rules. Which was a natural segue in the conversation about living with his room-mate and what that’s like and he’s curious about Dave and I. He went on to tell me how much he likes Dave. That he feels more comfortable at east knowing Dave is there with me, he said “I know he’d know what to do if anything happened.” I don’t know what that means, except that man-child is clearly protective of his momma bear, even from afar. I hope not to much tho, I realllly don’t want him to have the same crappy baggage I do. Some other kind of baggage, fine, so be it and I’m sure it will be. We talked for a few hours, did some window shopping at all the quaint little mountain shops. He bought Kristen a Christmas ornament and kept trying to buy me this little doo dad or that. At which I smiled a great deal, it’s very clear he’s trying to assert his independence AND wants to prove he’s doing “ok.” I think he wants me to be proud of him. And I am. Totally, he’s really coming into himself and while I know I’m not getting the whole story, I think he’s doing pretty ok for himself. I probed about school, not to much tho, we all know how private kids can be when they get out on their own. He gets a little prickly when I bring it up, so I tread that water carefully. He says he’ll think about it. I told him I just wanted him to at least get his GED and think about Vocational Training of some kind when (?) he returns to CO, which he assures me is by about age 21. The kid has been in his own apartment about one month now. He may find that he wants more then Capser has to offer him before the next 3 years come to pass. There’s very little available to him now out there, he admits it. Ultimately, I know he’ll find his way and this may not include formal education. I always tell him “You got the best of me and your dad, you are smart and capable. You are street savvy and can read a book, those are two things that will never fail you in life.” He laughs, but he knows I’m right. He gave me the most awesome hug goodbye, good solid manly squeeze and a kiss on the cheek. I tried not to cry, he reminded me he’d be down at Christmas time for a whole week. That made me smile. I left the visit feeling like my baby boy is out in the world, finding himself, but knows where his momma’s heart is and that it’s always open to him. What else could I ask for? Spent the rest of Friday cleaning house and kicking Dave’s but at Wii golf. He then, kicked my butt at ping pong and baseball. My arms are still sore, he admits I gave him a good run for his money at the ping pong.

Saturday
Slept as late as possible, which is like 7:30 AM at the most. By this point, I’m pretty tired. Got the puggies nice and worn out, showered and headed out the door to meet Rosebud and Clark William at DIA. Dave wakes up as I’m walking out, smooches and goes out to smoke in his boxers. I’m thinking, man you are dedicated to that stuff! I don’t say anything, he knows I want him to quit. I know nagging him won’t change a thing and really, who am I to say a word? I smoked for a solid 15 years before I quit and still sneak an occasional clove smoke here and there when the occasion calls for it. Drive to DIA, not much traffic, I’m thinking right on. Find a parking spot right in front, another RIGHT ON. I was expecting total chaos due to the holiday and don’t get me wrong, the airport was busier then normal. However, as I later told Rose, it’s designed to keep people moving in all it’s enormity and modern transportation-oriented design. So people are hustling and bustling all around me, I grab some water and a snack and settle in patiently near the train exit. I’m nervous to see Rose, I don’t know why, but I am. Maybe because it had been so long, maybe because I didn’t know how she’ll react to me or what if there was nothing to talk about? Those little insecure voices are SO annoying. The second she walked up with little Clark strapped to her, my eyes welled up and one of those big wet drippy tears came running down on both sides. We hugged, I apologized for the tears she looked at me and said “Oh your fine”, kind of waiving it off and smiling a little and we were off on our way. We were able to spend about an hour and a half together. I don’t know why wouldn’t have anything to talk about, we haven’t seen each other in ages. So much has happened, so much to get caught up on and plus, the little monkey really is very entertaining. No lack of interest there! Rose has grown up so much. Motherhood becomes her, she’s warm and loving and honest about what being a mom means for her. Clark is easily the most mellow baby at age 1 I’ve ever met. He just takes it all in, watches and gauges the situation and dives right in. It only took him about 10 minutes to warm up to me, which I thought given the circumstances was pretty flattering. Imagine, sitting in a busy air port on a holiday weekend meeting this big tall lady you’ve never met who just keeps trying to hug and kiss you! The horror! Clark was all over it though, we walked around and had lunch. We played and talked and he gave me some good hugs. Clark shared his rice with me and has quite the appetite. It must run in the Conlee blood. As Rose and I sat there talking, about being a mom and work and life, I had this epiphany that it was only because of a small twist of fate that we didn’t end being in the same house together, growing up as sisters on the day to day. She seems familiar to me. I feel inherently comfortable and an ease communicating with her, like she really does understand me. I think she feels the same with me too. I see mannerisms and physical features that I recognize. Later, I think to myself that neither of us grew up with a sister and she’s approximately the same difference in age with her brothers as I am with her. I try not linger on the thought, but there is this strange connection I feel to her that I don’t totally understand and I can’t tell if it’s because we are blood related in a significant way or our circumstances, though very different, are also very similar. It’s hard not knowing your father, it’s hard knowing you have a sibling out in the world that circumstances did not allow you to know until recently and it’s work to be a mom and women and wife and all those things that we both have been. Feminine unification perhaps? In any event, the visit left me pondering much and there were a lot of tears in parting from her and Clark. A longing overcame me to be a part of their lives, in a regular way. To know Clark as he ages and get to know my sister. She’s very warm and loving, I sense a similar ongoing balance and battle with the logical and emotional selves, there are many things I was able to gleem from that one interaction that has stuck with me and I think the biggest, most profound one was that my fears about us not being able to get along or have a quality relationship because of the very different ways in which were raised are not fair to either of us. It wasn’t her fault, or mine, that this is how it is and there’s no reason to taint the waters with things that are in the past and not really relevant to us. I mean what can we do about it anyway? Not a whole lot, so let’s put it in the past and move forward.

Sunday
Slept and cleaned up the house a bit more, but mostly slept. The holidays wear me out! Shew!

That said, here we are more than a week since the big event and I’m pooped out still! Not just from that but also from the various activities since, getting decorations in order, having friends over for meals, etc. I’m hoping to keep this weekend low key as I’m a bit fried already. I also jacked my back up doing yard work this weekend. My body is now going to start screaming at me to get the “rest” of me in shape now that my tonsils are no excuse? Danget.

*********************PICS TO FOLLOW SHORTLY*********************

Internal workings…..

Internal workings…..

Somewhere along the line, in my youth or since, I’ve learned to hold myself accountable for everyone else’s happiness, sadness, general state of well being, safety and experiences except my own. Drama with the momma? Drama with the man child? My partner or friend isn’t the absolute picture of sunshine while interacting with me? A coworker smarts off at another coworker? The dogs aren’t getting along? Bella keeps peeing on my favorite towel? The cat pukes up the new food I bought her? These must all be signs somehow that I have failed the person(s) or relationship in question. Surely, it must be right? After all, I’m the epitome of sunshiny happiness, the all-knowing momma bear and would NEVER puke up a free meal! That’s just rude! I’m the absolute perfect model martyr. Right down to my sad droopy tears and restless nights agonizing over such things.

~ GAG ~

Good grief, not only is this totally exhausting and somewhat pathetic (perhaps I ought to get to focusing on my OWN life and stop worrying about everyone else’s so much?) it is totally unnecessary! The world surely isn’t doing me the same favor by agonizing over such things and some how relieving me of these anxieties. I’m the only one responsible for these things for myself (as a very wise Aunty recently pointed out) so it’s on me to treat myself kindly and with respect and take care of myself. Why then, is it or has it become some how, my responsibility to do so for everyone else?

My inner child is literally crying to be free of what feels like a life time of babysitting everyone else’s feelings and needs and wanting someone to babysit me for a minute. Uhm, inner child…hello, that would be YOU little girl. You have to babysit yourself because no one else is going to. Which isn’t totally true, evident by the number of loving souls so willing to nurture all aspects of me, even the totally goofy immature and not so always-loveable ones. It’s much to fun to play the martyr tho, jeez.

The mother in me wants to keep giving unselfishly with not ever a consideration for my own energy and well being because that’s what “good” mothers do. (more gagging)

My inner assertive realist says LET IT GO! Not your problem, everyone lives their own life and you are not responsible or accountable for their behavior, actions, outcomes or personal needs. AND you can’t fix it either.

There’s also a pretty squeaky wheel in there somewhere that just feels generally whiney about the whole damn state of affairs and gets all panicky along with the bats in the belfry…it goes something like this:

“You aren’t going to be loved, appreciated or respected if you aren’t constantly giving of yourself to others.”
~ or ~
“You aren’t loveable or desirable unless you are giving something of yourself to others.”
~ or ~
“You just aren’t enough, all by yourself without some kind of gift to offer others, you just aren’t enough.”

Some other inner working wants to remain compassionate and loving and not lose myself to the plight of the selfish little screaming child inside that is throwing tantrums because it’s not been or being heard or the self-loathing voice that always whispers that what I have to offer the world in and of myself, isn’t enough. I don’t want to become bitter or off putting or isolating or lose my belief in the power of love.

Man, I wish my voices would all start playing nicely together. They are seriously giving me a headache. Until then, I AM using my big girl voice and putting the boundary down about putting any energy into perfectly grown adults whose job it is to take care of them-selves (and always has been) and not mine. That much, at least I can do.

Head Full Of Doubt, Road Full Of Promise - Avett Brothers

There's a darkness upon me that's flooded in light
In the fine print they tell me what's wrong and what's right
And it comes in black and it comes in white
And I'm frightened by those that don't see it

When nothing is owed or deserved or expected
And your life doesn't change by the man that's elected
If you're loved by someone, you're never rejected
Decide what to be and go be it

There was a dream and one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I'll scream til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out

There's a darkness upon you that's flooded in light
And in the fine print they tell you what's wrong and what's right
And it flies by day and it flies by night
And I'm frightened by those that don't see it

There was a dream and one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I'll scream til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out

There was a dream and one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I'll scream til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out

There's a darkness upon me that's flooded in light
In the fine print they tell me what's wrong and what's right
There's a darkness upon me that's flooded in light
And I'm frightened by those that don't see it

Ouch.

The man child and I have been trying to figure out the holidays visit schedule for about a month now. It’s like now that he’s on his own (in his eyes) he doesn’t have any obligations to spend time with family for Turkey Turkey Day or the Christmas Holiday. Correction, me. His dad and his dad’s side of the family are getting plenty of time with him. Which, I know is partly because a) He lives less than a mile from his dad and b) His dad, naturally, comes to Colorado to see his parents and Max comes along to see them. I’m basically left with working around what they are doing even though I offered to buy him a bus ticket out here or give him gas money or, come to see him if he didn’t feel he was able to get here.

Yesterday, M texted me and said “Good news, looks like we are coming to CO for Thanksgiving after all and I’ll have a few hours on Friday to go to lunch or something.”

My immediate response is total glee at the thought of spending some time with him. Then I think, “Wait a minute, just a few days ago he said he couldn’t come out at all?” But I ignored that and just let myself be happy about getting to spend a little time with him.

As we start discussing our plans, he seemed excited about seeing if we could find a way for him to spend one of the 3 nights he’ll be in Colorado at my place so he could see the dogs and we could all do a Thanksgiving together. I offered to drive him the 2 hour round trip Friday afternoon and Saturday morning back and forth to his Grandparents and ensuring he was able to get back up the mountain in time for him and his dad to head back to WY. He said he’d talk to his dad and see what was up, but he didn’t see a problem with that.

Lots of planning goes into all this and we leave it at that, with my coming to pick him up Friday noon and bringing him back early Saturday morning.

Five hours later it’s a totally different story. I get all this himming and hawwwing about how I need to share and he needs to spend time with his Grandparents and his dad for Thanksgiving because he spent his entire summer with me (4 weeks, most of which he spent with his friends) *blink* Huh? I’m not “sharing”? Excuse me. First of all, I’m his MOTHER. Secondly, he’s living with his dad over a year now and has seen his grandparents a number of times in between. Thirdly, I’m HIS MOTHER! Hello.

Then it hits me. And prepare yourselves because this is some real sad woe-is-me crap about to happen: He doesn’t really want to spend any time with me. In his eyes, he’s doing me a favor by conceding to a lunch date because no matter what I do, he doesn’t budge. It’s lunch. That’s it, that’s all you get. Be happy with that.

I was crushed and spent the rest of the evening fighting back the tears and feeling very depressed. I couldn’t figure out a) Why it was hurting me so bad, after all, at least he wants to see me, right? I should be happy he’s at least there, right? and b) I figure that at least some of this is his fathers influence, that much is apparent.

So what, I’m left to just deal with it I suppose. That’s the way it is now and I should be happy for the table scraps I am given? This, somehow, doesn’t feel at all ok to me. In general, I feel totally disrespected. It’s funny, because it’s not just with M. It’s at work, in many of my relationships. I just don’t feel taken seriously or all that respected as a person.

On the M front though, I can’t decide what is sparking all this deep hurt over this subject. I think I feel totally rejected on some level, as if my role as mother just isn’t all that important to anyone in the situation. Then it hits me that perhaps that is what this is really about, mother role affirmation. I am taking it pretty personally too, some might argue that it would be hard NOT to. Other’s would argue that he’s a teenage boy who is not only conflicted but most likely being pulled in numerous directions and it is my job, my responsibility to handle all of this with compassion and remember that yes, it hurts, but he’s growing up and trying to figure a lot of stuff out. This often leaves moms and dads in the lurch. I guess I just didn’t expect it to hurt this much. It sort of feels like we are going backward after a year plus of working toward a relationship that is healing and full of love.

I’m trying to dig through all this pain and rejection I’m feeling and figure out the best way to handle it. Most likely, it’s just to be the solid and suck it up butter cup. Damn it hurts like hell though.

In other and really exciting news, I may have the opportunity to hook up with Rose, Micheal and Clark William during a layover they’ll have in Denver on Saturday, November 27th. We are still working out the details, I haven’t heard anything back but I’m hoping it can happen. This opportunity reminds me that life throws you a bone every now and then and jumping on it without questioning it and feeling deflated because it’s not how the situation might have panned out according to your own personal desires.

Work is plugging along and I’m feeling more hopeful regarding a healthy progression. In spite of the fact that we’ve had a developer already resign and another I suspect, will be doing so relatively soon, it does feel like an opportunity of sorts. For all involved, the folks leaving and the folks remaining, to find a healthy balance. I believe some humbling is occurring in the upper ranks, which will bode well with those of us who catch all the crap that runs down the hill. There’s definitely a more appreciative and respectful attitude in daily interactions and while I’m still very concerned about some thing’s, I do sense that perhaps this recent turn of events will set the tone for the future. If nothing else, it’s been made clear that my work is valued. Cross those fingers for a raise!

D and I are doing well. Though, I’ve been pretty moody these past few days. I had an experience recently that triggered some of the PTSD stuff I’ve been working through for a while and that can throw me into a funk pretty easily. It must be very confusing for anyone who’s been in my general vincinity when this occurs. I don’t want to be touched or talked to or anything. I just want to be alone, I simply don’t have the energy to interact or explain what I’m feeling and I don’t want to take it out any one else, it’s not their fault these things happened to me and I’m still trying to deal. That could also be why I’m so sensitive to the stuff with Mj. I’m already a bit unbalanced at the moment, so anything is going to feel like the end of the world.

D handles it all well though, he’s so tolerant and understanding and gives me a wide berth and comes to me when I need him.

Off for now. There’s much to be done. I am cooking for Turkey Day, I’m sure I’ll go crazy and make a huge meal that D and I won’t be able to eat all of. In between now and then I’ve got a lot to do to prepare and some very good friends of mine are moving across country next Monday. This weekend will be taken up with all of that, goodbye parties and helping them pack the truck. I’ll miss them, they’ve been good to Max and I. However, I’ve learned to accept that this is life. You have moments where you are close close close to someone and then they can be gone, in a flash, out living their own lives. It’s important to remain grateful for what little time life affords us with those we connect.

Love you all!
XO
S

It was an ah ha moment alright…

Last Thursday, on the way to work, I came to the stark realization that 35 is the age that both my mother became a grandmother and approximately the same age my mother made her parents a grandparents. I have reason to believe that Max will break this cycle, he’s far to engulfed in striking the path to independence and is, therefore, totally into having “his” time at the moment.

A brief mommy interlude here: I have some fears that the boy is directly avoiding young women since living with his dad and that now, his relationship skills are going to be twice as jacked up as a result. I didn’t exactly lay down a good foundation for what a quality intimate adult relationship looks like and I still don’t know what I’m doing, so he didn’t get much help from me there. Way to go ma! His father, on the other hand, is just as detrimental in that he has the attitude that “women are not worth the trouble” so of course this mom is a bit on the concerned side about Max’s perception of women and what that looks like in his potential relationships. I don’t doubt that the boy respects women, I know that he does. I mean, how could he not? He’s been surrounded by a solid crew of really responsible, independent kick-ass women for 17 years. Kristen and I have been breaking the walls down about what moms (let alone single moms) are SUPPOSED to be doing since he or Bethany can remember. But, I do sense that he’s very conflicted (or not at all aware of the source, but it’s still writhing around in there just waiting to be discovered) and not showing any interest in girls as a result. He seems perfectly content to hang out with a bunch of dudes playing Xbox and riding BMX bikes all the time and sigh, drinking beer I’m thinking. This strikes me as slightly odd for 18, but I don’t know? Is it? I long ago pondered the possibility that he might be gay or just totally asexual and have no desires, which I assured him a number of times that this would be totally welcomed and accepted in my home if that were the case and he ought not fear such discussions with ole mom, to which he replied something like “Mom, please don’t talk to me about this right now..or ever.” Apparently, it’s still much to awkward an age to discuss sex with mom. Fair enough. However, based on some intercepted text messages and various articles moms aren’t supposed to discover, I am pretty sure he’s at least physically attracted to girls, but who knows. His hormones are still aligning themselves and I am convinced that guys don’t fully mature until after 40 anyway, so he’s got a ways to go and nothing would surprise me along the way.

now…back to the program…….

I do believe that Max is going to have the skills to avoid an unintentional pregnancy and can see the value in doing so from the 50 foot view, hopefully for at least 10 – 15 years. So, I’m not totally panicking about this as the predetermined destiny him before he grows out of the years starting with 1 OR for my 35 year old self, but the thought did spark some red hot feelings and emotions I’m not quite sure how to manage. Clearly, it is ones of mortality and sense of self. I keep thinking to myself “I am not sure I really know who the heck I am or how I feel about things and it’s a well documented fact that I’ve got all kinds of unresolved stuff that’s had to take a back seat to being a mother and other demanding relationships, so now what?’

I certainly haven’t been doing much in the way of soul searching in the past year that Max has been out of the house either. I suppose I’ve been grieving in a way, and adjusting to the newness of this phase in my life. In some ways, I also feel there has been some crisis management as a result of all this change, because that is how I roll. Change occurs, I manage, I recover, I come back to life and it’s amazing how long it can take me to adjust to change. It’s also amazing how when the time is right, it all comes bubbling up to the surface and cries out “Ok, you are doing ok and safe, now let’s deal with BLAH and BLAH and don’t forget BLAH!”

I am sensing a possible mid-life crisis approaching. Kristen keeps telling me to wait till at least 40 to start going all whack-job on her. I keep telling her that if I could ensure that I’d live until the beautiful age of 80 then I’d be happy to but there are no guarantees so I don’t really intend on putting it off if it wants to rear its annoyingly inconvenient head before then. I’ve put off enough things in my life to know that ignoring it won’t make it go away.

Life has a way of reminding you every so often in really really big ways that you don’t always get a second chance. In not so obvious ways on the daily, I can’t help but feel that it screams to me to have fun where I can and live and experiment and try everything at least once and rebel rebel rebel. But I have chosen not to act on a lot of those impulse because I’ve been trying to behave in at least partly a responsible way in terms of mothering the man boy and here I am now, feeling kind of conditioned to live life a certain way and frankly, feeling a little resentful. I sometimes feel like I am only now fully realizing the full gravity of what it means to be a mother at such a young age because now that I can see it from the other side, I’m saying “whoa! No shit Sherlock, this has been hard and I’m freaking tired and worn out at 34!”

I realize there are no rules. I can change my direction at any time I so chose it. Sadly, experience has taught me to fear change and unknown. Besides, what would people THINK *GASP*

Of course, this also forces the issues of various relationships in my life. D, of course, being one of them. I often wonder if it’s fair to to be involved with me at the moment because I rebel against the idea of being responsible to anyone else right now pretty hard core OR, I just try to control everything which is TONS o fun for all of us. Sometimes, I feel so selfish for just doing the things I want to do and I resent that a little. I am not totally sure I want to have to think about someone else’s feelings and needs all the time. I’m not totally sure I want to have to answer to anyone else or worry about whether or not my actions or behavior are going to affect them. I’m freaking worn out man, I’ve been giving all of myself to everyone else for a long, long time without giving myself a whole lot of time to take care of myself. I’m drained of the undying affection and devotion I’ve lavished upon lovers, family and friends.

Then other times, he feels like a solid, grounding source. He’s sane. He is very balancing to my wild child. Sometimes too sane. Sometimes I wish he’d cry about something or laugh hysterically over nothing. He’s always so…so…mellow.,

This is all big stuff that has to be worked out I know. Because the reality is, whether I want it or not, here it is and it was partly my doing. The situation with D is a real one. I do love him, in that way that feels like a good, solid, safe choice. “Is that ok, is that enough?” my brain asks. My heart loves the love and feeling safe with him and being able to trust him and a good portion of the time feeling like we are a good match, lord knows I haven’t had a whole lot of that with men in my life. But every now and then, the wild child in me longs for constant excitement! Passion! Some days, we already feel like a married couple of 20 years and I’m not there yet. Do I want that eventually? Of course, I do. Maybe even with D. But right now, I don’t know if I’m ready to be an established married couple after a year + of dating. And no, I don’t equate marriage with monontony, but I wouldn’t mind a little bit more woo-ing and fun times together that don’t involve routine already.

This is why I wonder if it’s really fair for him. I doubt that highly. He’s already lived a life full of playing, living for himself and doing as he pleases, when he pleases. He’s ready to settle a little, I think he sees me as a good source for that. I can see that, my wild child is tempered by the most annoyingly responsible and Type A adult you’ve ever met. But that doesn’t mean I want to be treated that way every day.

Course, I couldn’t imagine my life without him any more. He’s pretty rooted in there these days and the more I talk these things over with him, the more I am relieved to find that he seems pretty aware of where I’m at and seems to understand well and, even better, wants to see how he can help to give me both the space and freedom I need (and am sort of demanding right now) while still helping to grow our relationship. Which, I have to say, I appreciate that tremendously and gives me hope that there can in fact, be a healthy sense of self within a relationship without loosing sight of either.

Certainly there must be simple answers to life big questions? Perhaps I should consult a magic 8 ball or the cootie catchers of my youth?

Who knows? Until then, work beckons and life never stops being interesting.

PS: I am having pics done of Bella, Bailey & Myself. Yes, I am “THAT” person. Nice huh? Now, what to dress us in?

Well, I’ve managed to make it through three whole days of work. All of which have been exhausting and much more demanding then expected! I finally realized last night - after my second night in a row where I came home and literally passed out for an hour on the bed with the dogs sniffing and barking at my feet – that I’m going to have to take it real easy for a while. It’s only been 3 weeks and the doc told me I’m going to feel kinda tired, run down and with all the strange soreness/dryness that I’m definitely experiencing until about 6 weeks post op. Really? Damn. Let’s pray this is the last of these types of things for a while, shall we?

The good news, is that my employers have gone to great lengths to give me this week to ease back into the day to day demands of my job, which after performing my self-appraisal yesterday, I realized I do a helluva lot around here and I was told that my absence was noticed. Which made me feel pretty good. I’m curious about how my annual review will go with R, it’s been a tense relationship off and on as you all know and it’s gotten better in some ways and not so much in others, but we are all hanging in there and I think we are making progress. In any event, I am looking for a raise of some substance this year and a title and job description revision. I will be curious if my employers believe that I am worthy of such things, I have a feeling they will meet me somewhere in the middle of “You Rawk” and “Good Job”. Cross your fingers!

Max and I have been in touch quite a lot since he moved into his apartment. He called me Monday when he received his package and we talked for solid hour about real stuff and he’s been texting me regularly since. I also wrote him a letter saying something along the following, in a half joking way:
1) Don’t drink and drive.
2) Stay away from the hard stuff.
3) Always use a condom.
4) Try to wait till you are least 25 to make me a grandma, preferably 30 would be a more suitable age in my very humble opinion.
6) Don’t forget that I’m always in your corner, I might not be able to “fix” whatever is going on, but I’m always here if you need me and love and respect you no matter what life throws at us.
7) Remember who that awesome guy is that I always knew you’d grow up to be!

He promised he’d adhere to 1 – 3, couldn’t guarantee the rest. Darn, I was hoping for a sealed and certified contract.

He went on to inform me of how hard work is and what a jerk his boss is for not giving him time off to let the gas guy in so he could turn it on so they were without gas for a few days, thus no hot water, heat or warm food! Oh the perils of responsibility! Apparently, the package of warm things arrived just in time then I told him. “Ha Mom, that’s hysterical!” We both got a good giggle out of that.

He’s supposed to come for Thanksgiving, I sure hope so. I miss that boy. His hugs are the best, how ever brief they may be, they are the most coveted. Because they are brief, perhaps? Hmmm, this seems very chicken or the egg-ish?

In other news, the “dry run” with Dave has gone over well on some days and kind of annoying on others. We are now faced with the reality of actually moving in February, so of course the whole thing is becoming more real. As much as I despise moving, I am going to regardless of whether he and I co-habitate or not. My current home is really run down and while it has many charming aspects to it, it really needs a lot of work and my renters aren’t willing to do the work I would want to stay in the place for another year. Namely, the back yard needs to be landscaped and they need to seriously invest in a proper fumigation b/c the ear wig situation is rather unpleasant and I’m not going to go through all that again next July – October (this year it’s November the little stragglers are still here and there.)

So, it does pose the question of whether we should move in together for reals and of course, I will cover thine own ass as we’ve learned that lesson a few times now, so it’s engrained in there pretty good by now, one would hope anyway.

Doh, time to head home to the puggies.

More soon
Love you all

Adventures of Tonsil Girl: Fin

Sorry (you know who you are *giggle*) for not blogging in a while, over a week now I guess. Mostly it's been because I've been feeling decent enough to be doing things that allow me to get off the couch for a few hours at a time. Cleaned house, cooked a bunch of food (most of which I cannnot eat), walked the doggeh's, read some books and Facebook-ed. Facebooked? Is this like...a verb now? Jeesh, my generation is interested isn't it?

All in all, I'd say this experience was almost exactly what I expected and I am thankfull it has gone off without a hitch. There were bad days, but there were not so bad days to. It was really pretty tolerable overall. My follow up appointment went stellarly, Dr. Tonsils says everything is healing up normally and to expect some discomfort for some time on the left side because apparently that tonsil was deeply rooted into the tonsil bed and badly infected. He said they were some of the worst he's seen and that I can probably expect to be feeling about 100x better in the coming weeks and months as I heal up. YAY ME!

A few noteable lingering effects:

- Food. It's all to salty, sweet, spicy, crunchy, scratchy, dry, hot or cold. My taste buds haven't full recovered, not sure what's up with that, but apparently this is normal. I can tell you that it hasn't done wonders for my apetite. I've lost about 10 lbs and at this rate, may continue to lose or maybe at least not gain it back because food just isn't all that appealing, which honestly, is a bit of a drag.

- Energy. Some, not as much as I'd like. I have days where I'm totally beat still, and others where I have enough to be productive. I'm anxious about getting back to work, but not looking forward to the bulky inbox I am anticipating. I've gotten pretty lazy in the last few weeks, I'm sure it'll take me a few to get back on the bus and my sleep schedule is 7 different kinds of jacked up, so that should make for an interesting first week back at work.

- My voice. I am still sounding pretty froggy and I found myself singing in the car and I sound FUNKEH and it still requires a certain amount of effort. Dave says he can't quit nail it, but something about the tone and pitch seems to have changed. I am unsure as to whether this is permanent or not, I forgot to ask Dr. Tonsils and it does make sense that I sound different. Besides the obvious, I sometime find myself kind of babying my throat.

Other than this, there is no pain, it's just kind of annoying some times and perpetually feels dry. I drink so much water, or that's the other thing....my tap water suddenly takes extremely unpleasant. Like chlorine and something else gross, nothing like drinking a little swimming pool water to liven up the day huh? So, it's been bottled water and Gatorade, which I've suddenly taken quite a liking to and could become a very expensive habit.

This weekend we have Halloween festivities to attend, parties and I'm hoping to go to the King Tut exhibit at the musuem. We'll see how much energy I end up with.

FYI: Bella is wagging her tail in her sleep, little paws a twitching and "hrph roo roo hrph" - this tail wag is known as the "Happy Tail" in our house as Bella and Bailey do it exactly the same and it's beyond affirming to see that little tail curl up when I come home or when we are playing.

On the subject of Pugs, I received THE most charming book from my most wonderfully charming GramE. "Letters to a Young Pug" - I instantly sat down and read it and laughed and laughed. I just love it, it captures much of the Pug attitude and the pictures are great and of course, there is some wisdom to be received as a result.

Max and I spoke last night for some time, he's moved into his new place already! I sent him a huge box full of towels and blankets and what nots, cost me a small fortune in shipping but since I cannot be close to him physically, I must give to him what I can from afar. I miss him so much, sometimes it's painful. The seperation of child from mother is not something I've yet been able to describe in words or even clearly piece together in thought. His room-mate sounds nice, but all the bills are in Max's name (whoa huh?) and he's all Mister Big Stuff now, responsible and capable. He told me last night how much it sucks to have all these bills and I shared with him my thoughts on the perception of freedoms we have of adults when we are young, but it comes as a hefty surprise when we realize that those perceived freedoms come with a cost. Responsibilities are exhuasting for some of us, not so much for others, it's all in how you look at AND how much you take on. I.e...why you won't see me buying a house, getting married or taking on another fur baby any time soon. I'm on the "Keep It Simple Stupid" plan. Maximus, I suspect, will be learning all that in due time but I can tell that for now, he's on his own path with much gusto and I can also tell that he misses his momma to.

I will miss the puggies next week when I go back to work. A lot. We've spent a ton of time snuggling on the couch, long naps and movies. I am worried that they will miss me and be lonely. I see me driving home at lunch time for a while until everyone reacclimates.

I am thinking of going back to therapy, I need some help navigating some of the feelings I'm having about my relatinoship or...lack thereof, with the parental unit. Sometimes I get really angry, sometimes I feel nothing but forgiveness and empathy. All the time, I wish things weren't so complicated and I, for one, am putting a stop to my role in that complexity. There are a lot of people in my life who seem to love me just the way that I am and want to engage in a relationship with me that is consistently free of drama. Of course, this makes me sad, but I can honestly say that I feel a sense of freedom in letting go as well.

Kristen and Dave took mighty good care of me through all this. I am grateful for them and am learning a lot about loving someone who isn't perfect, but may just be perfect for me. Kristen is perfect though, she's the bestest friend a girl could ever have :D

Well, Dave should be home soon. I'm trying to muster up the energy to do something this evening, but right now...it's looking like another night on the couch :D Which is fine by me. I have to get out this weekend though and enjoy this gorgeous fall we are having. Plus, I can't wait to see my friends. I've been grounded for weeks and that's pretty hard for this Snuggle Bug, which btw...is what I'm going to be for a Halloween :D

Love to you all
S

The Adventures Of Tonsil Girl: Day 10

Minor set back today it seems. I'm ok, but a little frustrated. Seems like every time I eat anything of substance, it sets me back a day. Last night, it was again...noodles. I boiled those suckers in broth for ever, chopped them up uber tiny and while I was eating them, it seemed ok and they were SOOO good. But, sure enough...about an hour later, here comes the pain. So, I wait for the pain meds to kick in and attempt a popsicle. Popsicle turns out to be the worse mistake of all, I think it ripped of part of the scab on the right side and I was practically on the floor in pain.

So, no eating agian last night or maybe today either. I'm feeling a little impatient now, it's day 10, was hoping to start eating soon.

Oh well, suck it up butter cup as the saying goes anyway :)

This weekend should be quiet, no big fun for me that's for sure. Dave may go to WY Saturday night for a friends Halloween party which would probably be good for him so he's not all stuck up in this house with me. He seems shocked, that it's taking this long to recover. I knew it would take forever, the docs warned me and I've been trying to remain as patient as possible, so perhaps my external appearance seems a bit more calm then expected, don't know. I was prepared for this amount of total suckage, and with me, prepeartion goes a long way. Though, the popsicle incident - complete with tears and gagging - I think made it clear that I'm not a big ole faker.

I've gotten nothing achieved today except a whole lot of sleeping and watching indie movies on Netflix on the Wii, which are always thought provoking and often sad, but still good soul food.

Tomorrow Bella and Bailey have a follow up booster shot and then I need to get Bailey's teeth cleaning scheduled, not sure when we'll be able to swing that. She'll need to be sedated. I brush their teeth, but I'm not sure how good I job I do b/c mostly they just chew on the toothbrush:D

The Adventures Of Tonsil Girl: Day 9

I feel better today, considerabley better! Now, I know what you are all thinking. "That's great Sarah, but don't get ahead of yourself!" I know, I know. I'm heading my internal voice that is saying the same thing along with "Sarah, remember what happened LAST time you felt "better" and you wayyy over did it and payed for it for at least 2 days?" Yes, that voice is loud and powerful and I learned that lesson already.

So that said, I am keeping it low key today in spite of wanting to do a whole lot more than I already have, which is:

- Emptied the dishwasher.
- Made the bed.
- 2 loads of laundry.
- A trip to the gas station so me and my car could get out for a bit.

Actually, looking at that listis making that little voice tired so I'd probably better stop while I'm ahead.

The awesome news is that today, not only am I not in constant pain (only when I swallow and the ears are really stinging when I do that, ouch) but I am lengthening the time between meds doses. Still no appetite, no voice (unless you count Kermit The Frog voice) and since swallowing is still a chore, it does take effort. Oh and my ears are very sensetive to loud noises right now. But I tell you, this is the best I've felt in a while, even pre-surgery. Perhaps I have a glimpse of how I'm going to feel after this is all said and done? I'm pretty excited about that, I tell you! I keep thinking things like:

- Will I have more physical energy since I am not constantly fighting some kind of crud?
- Will I have more emotional energy since I am not constantly fighting some kind of crud and have more physical energy and therefore may feel like being a whole lot more active?
- Will I take this opportunity for what it is? An big shinning neon sign pointing to making some changes? Mostly about health, which as all know, is related to mental health.

I am excited!

Wish me luck, looks like I'm at the start of an upswing :)

WOOT

XO

The Adventures Of Tonsil Girl: Day 8

Shew, rough night last night. Serious ear/jaw pain, couldn't get comfortable. Only made it about 4 hours before I sat straight up in bed choking on I don't know what. Supposedly, this is the time when the scabs are supposed to start sloughing and I do feel some strange stuff back there, but I can't really tell what's what. I can't get my mouth open wide enough to actually see what's going on and I'm not sure I really want to anyway. In any event, the night was rough (also, puggies decided they'd potty in the bed! HELLLLLO, bad poo poo's!) and I ended up on the couch with laundry running at 3:30 AM and poor Dave, no rest for the wicked in this house.

After sleeping most of the morning and choking down enough Slim Fast that I could take another dose of meds, I am feeling pretty ok now. Course it's not quarter to 3 in the afternoon and I've done absolutely NOTHING today. Thank god I have this time off from work, there's no way I could be working during all this. Even on the days when the pain is pretty tollerable, there is just no way I'd have the physical stamina and/or voice to handle a full day of work. I may end up being off a little longer than I really need to be, but I figure a few extra days of recovery time isn't the worst thing in the world.

Supposedly the scabs should start coming off some time in the next few days, which some report as the worst of all of it and others report as mostly just gross. Guess we'll see. I don't see me getting much in the way of actual food down until that happens, anything that isn't super liquidy rubs and makes it feel like my throat is going to split in half and I'm scared one of those little scabbies will come of before it's time and land me in the ER with the bleeding and all, so I'll just stick with what's working for now. Popsicles for dinner, it's seriously not the worst thing in the world :)

In other, more pleasant news, Maxter is moving into his first rental on November 1st. I'm so excited for him, I just can't believe how within a year, that kiddo has managed to march off down his own path in a blaze of glory. I keep telling him that we've got a ton of things for him if he can get to Colorado, furniture, desks, tvs, etc....mostly, I'm hoping it will be a way to bribe him to come visit so I can squeeze him, but I really do want to help him get set up in his first place. He says he's coming for Turkey Day, I sure hope so! If not, we'll go up there to have Christmas at his new place, if he's ready that it is.

I miss Max so very much and every now and then, the voices try to point fingers at myself and tell me that it's my fault he's not here with me, close to home. Mostly though, this all feels pretty ok and I believe Max and I will continue to grow in our relationship. I couldn't ask for anything more really, we talk regularly and I see someone who's experimenting and trying on different things. He's at a very exciting time in his life, I am very happy that I have the opportunity to be involved, even if from afar. It may be different then what I envisioned, but life never really turns out exactly how we expect now does it?

More soon, if I am lucky tomorrow will be a better day and I'll have more motivation/energy to manage some oneline picture maintenance.

Love to you all
S

The Adventures Of Tonsil Girl: Day 7

Compared to yesterday, today is a lot more manageable. Thanks to Dave's suggestion, I have learned that if I extend the period of time between pain meds to every 5 - 6 hours and take half a dose in the middle, it seems to even everything out pretty well and I don't end up on the tail end of my dosage in total agony. We started this last night and it's helped tremendously and I sort of feel like I'm taking less that way over all. My plan is to start weaning by the end of the week as healing progresses.

It is a rainy, cool Fall day in Denver and I am happily snuggled up with the puggies, a very warm blanky and my lappy. I've got a nice pumpkin spice candle burning and a silly day time TV program running in the background.

I haven't had any actual food since the noodle debacle on Saturday night, so I'm going to attempt some very mushy potato's to night or maybe some over-cooked mac n cheese. I am not really hungry, but I am having cravings. Mostly regarding taste and textures. Crunchy, spicy, cheesey, salty and vegetables. OMG, I haven't had salad in over a week and I'm going crazy for it! Also no fruit and I've become a daily fruit person in recent months (NOM) so I'm missing my apples, oranges, pears and berries to, big time. If nothing else, I know I'm going to come out of this appreciating the beautiful gift that is food and that it ought to be savored, not abused.

Keeping today very low key. I've not slept all that much and am pretty low on energy. I learned my lesson from Saturday night, overdoing it has serious consequences and they aren't worth it. Not even a little. Plus, I'd really like to be able to report to my doctor on my follow up visit on the 26th that I took uber good care of myself. I really don't need any heads shaking in dissapointment. Obviously, I want to be back on my feet as soon as possible, but I know rushing this is pointless.

On that note, I'm going to take a nappy with my puggies with the warm blanky.

loves and hugs
S

The Adventures Of Tonsil Girl: Day 6

There is a lot of what is known as "referred" pain today to my ears and jaw area. It is kind of like this sharp, stabbing pain that comes and goes

I am able to sleep about 2 - 4 hour at a time, but that is about it at the moment. Last night was rough, today feels kinda the same. Swallowing is extremely painful, the pain in my ears resembles that of severe ear infections and I still cannot open my mouth all that much due to jaw pain.

I believe the fierceness of symptoms today are partly my own fault in having way over done it yesterday. I thought I felt decent enough to go to the store and at the time, I was. But after the store and getting home, I think, is when I ended up doing way to much. I gave the dogs a bath, cleaned up the kitchen and made soba noodles. Which I then attempted to eat, because I am reaching the stage where I'm beginning to feel moments of real solid hunger, and they were way to thick and firm for me to even consider. I don't know what I was thinking, but they tasted so yummy and my stomach went wild and I got about half a bowl down before it really started to hurt and I could feel my throat rebelling madly, so I gave up and tried on a bowl of mashed potato's and went to pour gravy and spilled it everywhere. I then had a bit of a mini meltdown, much like a toddler and breathed deeply and tried again only to then have poured so much gravy on the potato's that they weren't edible. It seemed like food was just not in the stars last night. Frustrating. Though, in retelling the story, mildly humorous.

I'm paying for it today, regardless. That'll put me in my place now won't it!?!?!

So enough whining, it's a bad day but we expected these didn't we? Let me tell you what I'm learning from this experience:

a) Every word requires a great deal of effort and has consequences, so it's important to choose them wisely.
b) Sometimes, it's just better to stick with the safe choice (like pudding.)
c) Pain does not discriminate and we are all battling pain of some kind. I think a plaque should be placed in public places so that it can perhaps us all to be a bit more patient with one another.
e) Vulnerability makes control freaks even freakier. Yeah, who woulda thunk but turns out, it's true. Dammit.

More soon, the other side of the couch beckons.

XO
S

The Adventures Of Tonsil Girl: Day 5

Feeling about the same as I did this time yesterday, which if that is any indicator, I'll have a rough afternoon and make a rebound by late evening. Slept a solid 5 hours with no interuptions last night, that feels like quite the acheivement so I am pleased about that.

I managed runny mashed potato's and mushroom gravy last night for dinner, which tasted beautiful and while I only got half of it down or so, it felt great to get something in my belly. Dave happily munched on chips, queso and salsa while I gave him the stink eye the whole time and I've never seen him laugh so hard. I'm glad I can ammuse him :)

Didn't make it to Target yesterday, am hoping to go this afternoon when Dave is off work. He's working a ton of hours at the new job, I'm glad he's happy there. It's time repelenish the stocks and get out of the house for a bit, I'm getting a wee bit weepy. Last night I cried becuase my face is all puffy and I can't open my mouth very wide and when I do speak, my voice sounds foreign and distored. I had horrifying visions of my karoke career having been ended all to abruptly, though the doc assures me it's nothing like that and my voice will return to normal, albeit a bit less "husky" which is fine with me. My speaking voice has always been a bit rough around the edges, slighly leaning on the prepubscent boy side. Here's hoping it changes for the better, perhaps that rock star dream of mine can come true at age 34?

Pam texted me last night asking to come pick up her all weather tires. She should be here this afternoon sometime to pick them up. Nothing like a little awkward familial interaction to aid in the healing process eh? We haven't been on speaking terms for months, she didn't know about my surgery and when I let her know I am on bed rest and cannot talk due to surgery, there was no response. Just a "please leave my tires where I can get to them" type of thing and that was it. I am not at all surprised, but it still stung a little considering the state I'm in. So, there was another mini melt down and Dave listened kindly as he always does and that was it, it is what it is. So, her tires and a few other odds and ends are sitting in the carport and she can pick them up whenever I suppose. I truly don't have the wherewithall at the moment to really be objective about the situation, so I'm trying not to dwell on it. Whatever the outcomes are, in the end of all it, I know we will find our own understanding and peace in the situation.

Sigh.

That said, I am off to paint my toes and try to get motivated enough to get out of the house in a few hours. I should probably attempt some pudding or something too before actually going out in public so I don't pass out or something.

Much love to you all
S

The Adventures Of Tonsil Girl: Day 4

Today is a far improvement since yesterday, my gawd I hope not to have another day like that again. If I do, those are the days that I very literally can't do much of anything except get through the day and wait out the pain.

But since today isn't one of those days and I can swallow ok and am not experiencing was is known as "referred pain" as badly, I plan to:

a) Really focus even more on the fluids. I am beyond thirsty, even though I'm drinking a fair amount of fluids, I just can't seem to get enough. It might be the creepy taste/texture of my mouth, it's like I can't get enough to wash it down/out.

b) Clean house a touch. It's in remarkabley good shape and no one panic, I'm only going to dust and fold some laundry, that kind of thing. No heavy lifting or strenous excercise.

c) We are going to try and get to the grociery store after Dave gets off work. The puggies need food, we need TP that kind of thing. Plus, I kinda feel ready to get out of the house for a bit. I also really need to think of something else I can try to eat, maybe starting working on some noodles or something b/c the pudding thing, while delicious, is getting old.

d) REST, I still feel like I could sleep for a week.

In other news, there are bills to be paid and emails to be answered. Still waiting on the books I ordered over a week ago, sigh...some good ones in there too danget! Hurry up USP. Guess I should be checking on all the "admin" stuff I need to be doing.

Everyone, please wish me luck in that this day continues to be a "good" day b/c I know there's going to be good and bad ones in the coming weeks. Yesterday reminded me of that very much so I'm going to take the ones where I can do more than sit on the couch and ache and run with it. It also helped me to remember that those crappy parts will pass, they always do don't they?

XO
S

The Adventures Of Tonsil Girl: Day 3

It seems today my body has just realized it's been Through something a bit out of the norm and is rebelling. I finally got some sleep, about 5 - 6 hours last night and woke up in the most horrible pain. Most likely because this was adequate time for my throat to dry out and my meds to lapse. I was SO tired though, I needed the sleep. Sleep seems to present a catch 22 situation however. On the one hand, you sleep which is GLORIOUS. On the other, you wake up miserable. I won't be able to let that happen again this early in the game, it's taken me close to 4 hours to get half-way comfortable again and now, I get it.

My throat, ears and sinus area have grown their own heartbeats and are all happily drumming away in there in time with my actual heartbeat. Where I could barely speak earlier, I can't at all now without extreme effort and it is definitely a strain to do so when I do have to. My neck is swollen, circa Jabba The Hut and I can't open my mouth wide enough to get anything more then a sip of Gatorade, water or Slim Fast in.

On the flip side, the puggie brigade is keeping me company and I did manage to get a bit more sleep after I got a bit more situated.

Dave bought me new humidifier yesterday that is definitely doing its magic, he was reluctant to leave me this morning, what a sweet sweet man.

Work sent me a lovely bouquet of flowers, the vase will definitely find itself in the game again. It's a gorgeous blue and very heavy, I'll find something awesome to put into it in the future.

So, I guess here we go then eh? I am in good spirits as I anticipated this (I was a bit unprepared for the pain this morning though, it was easily an 8 on the pain scale for about an hour and that's no good!) and am doing my best to enjoy the whole concept of bed rest. Mostly, the snuggling of fur babies aspect of all of it.

Bella's rash has subsided due to much needed Benadryl and Kristen's coming to the rescue with hyrocortisone spray. She's wearing a little blue Colorado bear shirt I'd gotten for Clark William and wanted to be able to hand deliver, but was not able to achieve that goal:( Regardless, it's serving a wonderful purpose now by keeping her squeeeashy little face out of the spray so it can do it's business and moisture/anti-itch her little rash.

Bailey is thrilled to have me home, because she knows that means she has access to the couch all day and her favorite blanket. We are all going to get smpoiled by this experience I suspect.

Dave is working a long day today so I am pretty on my own and it's meds time. I read somewhere that this surgery has been done for thousands of years, doing it without pain meds seems horribly cruel. I think I'd rather just be knocked unconscious then have to deal with this morning again. YUCK.

More soon, love loves to all you wonderful people!
S

The Adventures Of Tonsil Girl: Day 1 & 2

If it's any indicator, I am at 4 AM with only about 2 hours of sleep but mostly, it's not horrible. Partly my lack of sleep is due to Bella's sudden rash onset, she's a mess and was gnawing and chewing all night and I have to sleep in THE most uncomfortable position possible to keep my head elevated so I just gave up, finally got out of my nest on the couch, got online and am drinking some Gatorade. Besides, time for my meds anyway and if I've learned anything in the last 18 hours, letting those lapse is a very bad thing.

So, I thought I'd blog since a) It's been forever and I miss it and b) I'm a weirdo and like to chronicle physical issues and ailments for later reflection to see what I am learning from them. I have a strong curiosity about the medical/biological field for all living things and have always figured I wouldn't make a very good doctor or vet because I think I would love the theory of helping to ease suffering and maybe help to heal along the way, but I am not sure I am strong enough to manage what actually goes into making that happen. The empathetic in me is almost overly so at times and it would hardly be appropriate for me to be crying while delivering the news that someones daughter has leukemia or that someones beloved fur baby doesn't have much longer. However, the nurses yesterday honestly made me seriously rethink some of that. I think I could manage helping people prep for surgery and helping them to feel comfortable post-op. It's a lot of documentation, pain monitoring, that kind of thing. I think I might actually be really good at that because I wouldn't have to like pull people's/animals organs out or give them bad news about a disease they may have, I can just be there to be there. Because we all need someone in those moments of need and these people do this for a living. Isn't that amazing? To me, nurses sadly fall into "the unsung hero" category of our community. I admire them so deeply and have very capable and kind ones and a few that might want to consider if they've chosen the right profession for them. But the nurses I had yesterday, every single one was so incredible I was emotional about it. I am sure the several nurses and anaesthetic techs I worked with yesterday got tired of me telling them how "nice" they all were and how much I appreciate them with that shit eating grin that only heavy anaesthetic and muscle relaxers can bring. I love you MAN :)

Ok, so on to the details of yesterdays surgery:

6:00 AM - 7:15 AM
Showering, getting goggies fed, played with and settled. Laundry, dishes, shaking the man to get his butt in gear.

7:15 - 7:30 AM
Driving in the rainiest coldest weather this fall yet (and it's DEFINITELY Fall in Colorado, where does the time go?) and listening to my boyfriend being his normally crusty self before his morning Pepsi and cigarette. He's like a whole different person after he's had his fix, kinda scary. Course, I remember those days and won't lie, I remember the very satisfying coffee sip and cigarette exhale first on the way to work in the mornings. ahhhh, if only those damn things weren't proven to kill you, HELLO! That's another story all together.

7:30 AM - 8:00 AM
Administrative admission: Confirming contact info, insurance etc, including an advance directives waver which I was prepared for in theory (b/c they make you do that everywhere these days) but not so much in practice. All I could think of was that I didn't want any heroic measures being taken in the event of zero brain activity and who would I want my puggies and kitties to go to (which was easy, Kristen or she would be responsible for finding them the best homes possible and strangely enough, the idea of being separated from my puggies got me more upset than anything involved in that whole document, hmmmm perhaps I'm a bit to co dependant on them?) It got me to thinking that this might be something I ought to put a bit more energy into at some point along the way. I had a living will for Max's care and what not, but he's 18 now and otherwise, I don't know what else I'd list? I know I want to be cremated and ashes spread in the Pacific Northwest San Juan Islands. I have a lot of pictures of Max I would want dispersed evenly amongst family I suppose and of course care of my fur babies and I guess it's a good idea to think about the financial stuff, I wouldn't want anyone inheriting any of my debt. I will ponder that all a bit more after I am healed.

8:00 AM - 10:30 AM
Pre-op prep/intake: Weight/height all that good stuff. BTW: First awesome nurse experience occurred here. She was sure to ask Dave to go into the waiting room while they were weighing me and all that, she said "Honey, there are some things they just don't need to know." which made me laugh the nervous giggle (b/c I was nervous after all) and then we did a urine test to make sure I wasn't pregnant. Dave and I both laughed nervously about that one, that wouldn't be the most ideal setting to find something like that out, no?

So more questions about when I last ate, had water, etc...I think I answered that question at least 6 or 7 times yesterday. Makes sense, but I'm like PEOPLE, I'm freaking starving and thirsty here, I really don't want to be reminded of that every 5 minutes. But, I know it's just their job and ultimately, it's in my best interest. Anesthesia is serious business now isn't it?

They got my line in without a hitch, shocking! My veins crawl, they see that needle coming and they go running in the opposite direction. She got it on the first poke, barely even felt it it! The nurse and I discovered she knew my mom's side of the family from back in Wisconsin (Grandma's maiden last name was Buam) and we chatted and then she recognized Dave and they chatted for a while. In case I haven't mentioned this before, Dave worked in the ER and OR at Lutheran Medical Center for 10 years. He knows wayyyyy more than is safe for the average person to know about medical procedures without a license. The stories he has, oh ew. Seriously, the things people do to themselves. Anyway, he got a kick out of how so many medical staff he worked with while he was there 10 years ago, and before that for 10 years, are still there. While we waited for close to 2 hours before the show finally got on the road, we had a long philosophical discussion about why it does seem that medical professionals stay within the industry for a life time. He also did his best to make laugh while trying to manage his Pepsi/smoke break urges.

Then boom, there's the anesthesia-ologist - whom I had consult with last week and trusted him immediately b/c he was very concerned about my last experience and assured me no one would become semi-conscious during a procedure on his watch. He asked if I wanted a sedative before we got rolling because it was going to be a while yet and he knew I was anxious/nervous. I said "Yes please sir, may I have another?" to which everyone laughed and within about 2 minutes Dave was sent off and another very awesome nurse with cutest pink scrubs on (scrubs have come a long way! Some of them even look like faux-professional attire.) to deliver my "happy juice" and then another smiling friendly face wheeled me into the OR. By then it was getting blurry and I was totally relaxed, all withing about 1 minute of the happy juice injection, so I can only assume it was Valium. I vaguely remember them beginning to strap me down (with MORE warm blankets, those people rawk!) and I don't the whole counting back from 10 or anything.

10:30 - 11:15 AM
Time travel 45 minutes (which I of course didn't realize when I was coming out of it all, seemed like about 1 second) and there was ANOTHER awesome smiling face in my face named Steph, saying "Sarah honey, how are you doing?" and she was wiping my tears away diligently and smiling warmly. I don't know why, but going "under" causes a pretty serious emotional reaction in me when I am being brought out of it. When I had my wisdom teeth out at 19, I apparently told the oral surgeon my entire life story and she kept hugging me after and telling me "Oh honey, you've had a hard life." FACEPALM! How embarrassing! God only knows what I told awesome smiley post-op lady yesterday, but she just kept wiping them without a word about it, asking me what my pain was and feeding me ice chips with a touch of cranberry juice. You have NO idea how good that tasted in that moment. It was like heaven. The whole section between my adams apple up to about my nostrils was (and still is) on fire. So after I was responding to satisfaction, they doped me up with some morphine when she took a peek in my mouth and saw that I wasn't in fact lying and was in a lot of pain and I spent the next 30 minutes or so trying to come out of all of it. I really just wanted to get up and go home, but my blood pressure was still really low, so they had to keep an eye on me for a while longer. Dave was allowed in shortly after the morphine and started giggling at me, b/c I couldn't talk and I looked about as stoned as a person can be I suppose. I don't remember this but he later told me I was rambling on about a "fahaamaatastical dreammmz I was havingggsss" :D

Finally, they unhooked all the monitors and my line and Dave helped me dress in my street clothes which consist of gray sweats, my fav tennies and a very old and tattered Care Bears tshirt and my Seattle hoodie, it was Seattle weather! I was getting cold by this time, no more warmy blankets in post up. I guess they want you to be a bit more alert. Still super wobbly so Dave put my shoes on and everything and they plopped in a wheelchair while we waited for my Ear, Nose, Throat surgeon to the post-op consult and instruct Dave on my care.

Doc said those tonsils were in badddd shape and I should've had them out years ago. He said once this is over, I'm going to probably feel about 100% better on a regular basis, I'll still get sick like everyone else from time to time but there will be no more strep or tonsillitis and only the very rare sinus infection if any. Apparently the left tonsil was completely rotted out (can you say ew?) and the right one was about half way there. The right one I think is the adenoid, even though they are both referred to as the "tonsils." He jokingly tells me that I'll never forget his name after this, that the surgery is the easy part and it is CRITICAL from this point on that I stay 100% focused on hydration, rest and pain management, because they are interdependent on one another in this case. Bleeding is also a serious danger, happens to about 20% post op and usually b/c they are not properly hydrated, but could also be a clotting issue. So far, no blod THANK GOD, but he said there will be some and what to look for if I need to go to the ER, b/c you can lose a lot I guess in a relatively short period of time. He explained how everything will scab (again, double ew) and how it's best not to spit them out and let the body absorb them if possible. *GAG* So, it's basically sleep when you can, but head must stay elevated (I am a belly sleeper, I can't remember when I last slept on my back, I suspect eventually I won't care) and take those drugs every 4 hours and sip at least 4 - 6 oz water/juice/Gatorade etc...every hour. No ice cream, but he said I could have a little on the bad days if it helped me to feel better. I have a ton of oral numbing meds, suspension pain meds and pill form pain meds for the "bad days" which according to him start around day 3 or 4 when the scabs start to build up. There's a lot of blood and what not traveling to the area so it's going to be very swollen and painful and swallowing is going to be harder (is that possible?) than it is today. This period will last 5 - 7 days, then another phase occurs where scar tissue begins to form and the ears, neck, throat and nasal cavities are going to be very sore and painful as well. It's amazing how much these little guys affect. Here all these years I just thought it was stress and me being a wuss about being sick all the time, though this time last year we'd had the same convo at my primary care physician and the ENT I saw at that time said it was a "last resort only" because recovery gets harder exponentially based on age. I'm only 34 but apparently this is ANCIENT in tonsillectomy years. I was seriously cautioned against looking my mouth, he and Dave laughed hysterically (yes, Dave knows this guy too LOL) when the doc said this and I thought "What's so funny?" and then it occurred to me that I should probably follow this doctors advice on that b/c based on how it feels, I bet it looks horrid. Plus, getting my open wide enough at this point to do so seems impossible.

So, we have a laundry list of do's and don'ts. I don't feel horrible today, but it's not great either obviously. I am learning to drink down as much fluid about 30 minutes after I take my pain meds and then sip the rest of the time in between dosages. I also found that coating one side of a popsicle with the oral numbing solution works like a charm in getting everything coated properly. The main draw back of course is that this stuff tastes WRETCHED! Not even the sweetness of the popsicle hides it, but the combination of cold and the numbing solution seems to have a really positive affect so I'm using that in between pain meds as well and dealing with the nasty taste. Plus, popsicles count as fluids! So far, I've had 1 cup of pudding (yum, except I am not a fan of the binding material used in pudding, it's animal based and in a pretty bad way, but Im thanking them and trying not to think about it to much), several popsicles, 2 Slim Fasts which have become surprisingly nutritiousness in comparison to the old days. Much lower in sugar and higher in proteins, so I feel full-er when I drink them. They taste pretty good, I like the Royal Chocolate and Strawberry. Plus a few of those a day is giving me a good chunk of my vitamins and minerals and TONS of the healing powers of protein's. And let me tell you about the wonder that is Gatorade. My fridge looks like an add for Gatorade. It's affordable, highly hydrating and intended for use in just this situation or the hard core athlete (which at a time, Max was so I am pretty familiar with how to use it in conjunction with standard waters and juices to maintain proper hydration.) Now they have Gatorade G2, it all on sale right now b/c it's a new product, it's only 20 cals a serving and much less sweet tasting then it's predassessor which is a good thing, historically, Gatorade has always been way to sugary for me. Thank goodness this product just came out b/c it's been a life savor. What I am trying to do is mix 50/50 with actual water when I do the big drink after my pain meds, but mostly in between the pain meds getting just straight water down is really hard for some reason. So I'm not getting as much actual water as I'd like, but I'm trying. I need to find some kind of juice (nothing acidic, OW) and maybe water that down a bit. I was thinking white grape, grape, what else? I'm drawing a total blank on juices that aren't citrus based at the moment.

I can say that so far, this experience hasn't been horrible. The anticipation was though. I ended up going on the occasional med for panic attacks because I was getting pretty worked up, not sleeping, etc. It's scary stuff man, but now that the surgery is over and things are in motion, I feel surprisingly excited. Like I'm really ready to live a life where I'm not sick all the time, I honestly can't even imagine!

I also know this is going to get worse before it gets better, I can feel it sort of settling in today. My tongue aches and swallowing is becoming increasingly more difficult. My ears hurt and I am absolutely exhausted, I'm hoping to catch some naps today after I get Bella all squared away. I think she's having an allergy attack or something, so poor Dave is off to the store again once he wakes up for Benadryl, which if nothing else will get her more comfortable for the day and maybe then we can all catch a few zzzz's. Dave has been pretty great, though I'm not going to lie, the guys caretaker skills are surprisingly cool considering all those years in the ER. Or perhaps b/c of it? I don't know, I'm not complaining of course, I'm so thrilled to have him helping me so much. He's helpful and certainly does all the obligatory things one expects and appreciates in this situation, but I guess I am sort of surprised? Sometimes I think he gets anxious when I am not well. He's experienced a lot of loss in his lifetime, it may be residual stuff from that which is not at all surprising. Or, perhaps he's just a guy who's been a bachelor for a really long time and needs to be taught how to take care of me and I know I can be pretty demanding and dramatic at times, but I have gotten to a point in my life where I've stopped apologizing for being who I am. I yam what I yam:)

More soon as energy permits. I have many emails to respond to from all of you that I am hoping to be able to do so during this time.

Much love to you all

S

Sorry for the lack of blogging/communications lately. Work has been challenging/demanding, I am processing the passing of a long time friend with whom I had a complicated, but loving and interesting relationship and trying to adjust to the life that life has given to me. more soon, promise….also, pics to come of the Wonder Twins, Bella is 5 months today :)

Alanis Morissette - Princes Familiar

please be philosophical
please be tapped into your femininity
please be able to take the wheel from me
please be crazy and curious

papa love your princess so that she will find loving princes familiar
papa cry for your princess so that she will find gentle princes familiar

please be a sexaholic
please be unpredictably miserable
please be self absorbed much (not the good kind)
please be addicted to some substance

papa listen to your princess so that she will find attentive princes familiar
papa hear your princess so that she will find curious princes familiar
please be the jerk of my knee I've fit you always
you finish my sentences I think I love you
what is your name again no matter i'm guessing your thoughts again correctly
and I love the way
you press my buttons so much sometimes I could strangle you

papa laugh with your princess so that she will find funny princes familiar
papa respect your princess so that she will find respectful princes familiar

please be strangely enigmatic
please be just like my

The Crossroads

Life deals you a hand from time to time that leaves one so wide open with choices it
can be both exhilarating and daunting to select one. At present day, I feel
faced with the decision about how (or why) to further my career and how it
pertains to my current private life. The way I see it, my choices are:

1) Continue with my existing career path

Study on my own, take some formal classes leading toward certification or
degree studies.

Pro’s: I can stay with my present employer, paycheck pays the bills, learn
on the job, tuition imbursements, PTO and medical.

Con’s: I am not sure this is what I want to do with the rest of my life,
it feels unstable and unpredictable, a fair amount of studying outside of work
is going to be required to get me up to speed on the .Net platforms (which I’ve
gotten jacked around in this area for a while now) and I’m not sure how
happy I am over all/am dreading going to work lately. Considerably less time
with loved ones, including fur babies and time for myself, which I am just
getting used to having.

2) Pursue formal degree in existing genre, possibly graphic art or
more web design oriented

Get a less demanding job, preferably part time, go back to school full time.

Pro’s: It is a good marriage between two fields I adore and excel at,
art and technology. Will remain valid and in demand. I believe I would be
happier over the long term in this field rather then structural programming and
data end.

Con’s: Cash flow and fear. I’d be risking a lot and putting
myself into debt with student loans. I’d also be starting over (to a
degree) as a graphic artist or designer, I would take a pay cut, at least
initially. Considerably less time with loved ones, including fur babies and
time for myself, which I am just getting used to having.

3) Pursue something completely out of the techie realm

Get a less demanding job, preferably part time, go back to school full time.

Pro’s: It would challenge me outside of the technical side of life for
which I have spent the past 15 years and my adult life embroiled in, most
likely philanthropic in nature. Possibly looking at an environmental studies
or advocacy (animal, children, women?) program. Maybe English Lit or History.

Con’s: Cash flow and fear. I’d be risking a lot and putting myself
into debt with student loans. I’d also be starting completely over at 35
years old in an industry unfamiliar to me. Considerably less time with loved
ones, including fur babies and time for myself, which I am just getting used to
having.


4) A combination of the above?

Get a less demanding job, preferrabley part time, go back to school part
time, take 1 – 2 classes per semester and spend the rest of my time with
my family and fur babies and MYSELF.

Pro’s: To me, this would be the ideal I think and would consist of a
combination of the above. Far less challenging work environment, forward
movement in pursuing education goals, plenty of time for myself, Dave, the
doggies, etc. I have far less responsibilities as a whole, wouldn’t it
be a lot of fun to spend some time getting to enjoy that a little?

Con’s: Cash flow and fear. I’d be taking a pay cut, getting myself into some degree
of debt with the whole student loan thing AND there is the whole question of just
how vulnerable I am willing to make myself. One could also consider this a
step backward professionally, albeit it temporary, it would take me a few years
to actually pull together a degree like this.


Much much to think about, no? You might be wondering what is causing this? There
are two driving forces. One, I am really on the fence about my current work
situation and the more I find myself absolutely dreading going to work each day
the more I think to myself “Hrrrm, is life not for living and experimenting?
I’d really rather not be miserable every day for an eternity in the cube
infested shiny box that is my work day.” The second is that to a certain
extent, I have an option I’ve never had before. I am no longer
responsible for anyone else but myself. *GASP*

Yes, this is just NOW becoming a reality. And this, in and of itself, presents
a freedom that I’ve never been able to factor into my decisions before so
it’s a lot exciting (and anxiety provoking) to think about.

Feedback is valued and welcome as always

xo