It was an ah ha moment alright…

Last Thursday, on the way to work, I came to the stark realization that 35 is the age that both my mother became a grandmother and approximately the same age my mother made her parents a grandparents. I have reason to believe that Max will break this cycle, he’s far to engulfed in striking the path to independence and is, therefore, totally into having “his” time at the moment.

A brief mommy interlude here: I have some fears that the boy is directly avoiding young women since living with his dad and that now, his relationship skills are going to be twice as jacked up as a result. I didn’t exactly lay down a good foundation for what a quality intimate adult relationship looks like and I still don’t know what I’m doing, so he didn’t get much help from me there. Way to go ma! His father, on the other hand, is just as detrimental in that he has the attitude that “women are not worth the trouble” so of course this mom is a bit on the concerned side about Max’s perception of women and what that looks like in his potential relationships. I don’t doubt that the boy respects women, I know that he does. I mean, how could he not? He’s been surrounded by a solid crew of really responsible, independent kick-ass women for 17 years. Kristen and I have been breaking the walls down about what moms (let alone single moms) are SUPPOSED to be doing since he or Bethany can remember. But, I do sense that he’s very conflicted (or not at all aware of the source, but it’s still writhing around in there just waiting to be discovered) and not showing any interest in girls as a result. He seems perfectly content to hang out with a bunch of dudes playing Xbox and riding BMX bikes all the time and sigh, drinking beer I’m thinking. This strikes me as slightly odd for 18, but I don’t know? Is it? I long ago pondered the possibility that he might be gay or just totally asexual and have no desires, which I assured him a number of times that this would be totally welcomed and accepted in my home if that were the case and he ought not fear such discussions with ole mom, to which he replied something like “Mom, please don’t talk to me about this right now..or ever.” Apparently, it’s still much to awkward an age to discuss sex with mom. Fair enough. However, based on some intercepted text messages and various articles moms aren’t supposed to discover, I am pretty sure he’s at least physically attracted to girls, but who knows. His hormones are still aligning themselves and I am convinced that guys don’t fully mature until after 40 anyway, so he’s got a ways to go and nothing would surprise me along the way.

now…back to the program…….

I do believe that Max is going to have the skills to avoid an unintentional pregnancy and can see the value in doing so from the 50 foot view, hopefully for at least 10 – 15 years. So, I’m not totally panicking about this as the predetermined destiny him before he grows out of the years starting with 1 OR for my 35 year old self, but the thought did spark some red hot feelings and emotions I’m not quite sure how to manage. Clearly, it is ones of mortality and sense of self. I keep thinking to myself “I am not sure I really know who the heck I am or how I feel about things and it’s a well documented fact that I’ve got all kinds of unresolved stuff that’s had to take a back seat to being a mother and other demanding relationships, so now what?’

I certainly haven’t been doing much in the way of soul searching in the past year that Max has been out of the house either. I suppose I’ve been grieving in a way, and adjusting to the newness of this phase in my life. In some ways, I also feel there has been some crisis management as a result of all this change, because that is how I roll. Change occurs, I manage, I recover, I come back to life and it’s amazing how long it can take me to adjust to change. It’s also amazing how when the time is right, it all comes bubbling up to the surface and cries out “Ok, you are doing ok and safe, now let’s deal with BLAH and BLAH and don’t forget BLAH!”

I am sensing a possible mid-life crisis approaching. Kristen keeps telling me to wait till at least 40 to start going all whack-job on her. I keep telling her that if I could ensure that I’d live until the beautiful age of 80 then I’d be happy to but there are no guarantees so I don’t really intend on putting it off if it wants to rear its annoyingly inconvenient head before then. I’ve put off enough things in my life to know that ignoring it won’t make it go away.

Life has a way of reminding you every so often in really really big ways that you don’t always get a second chance. In not so obvious ways on the daily, I can’t help but feel that it screams to me to have fun where I can and live and experiment and try everything at least once and rebel rebel rebel. But I have chosen not to act on a lot of those impulse because I’ve been trying to behave in at least partly a responsible way in terms of mothering the man boy and here I am now, feeling kind of conditioned to live life a certain way and frankly, feeling a little resentful. I sometimes feel like I am only now fully realizing the full gravity of what it means to be a mother at such a young age because now that I can see it from the other side, I’m saying “whoa! No shit Sherlock, this has been hard and I’m freaking tired and worn out at 34!”

I realize there are no rules. I can change my direction at any time I so chose it. Sadly, experience has taught me to fear change and unknown. Besides, what would people THINK *GASP*

Of course, this also forces the issues of various relationships in my life. D, of course, being one of them. I often wonder if it’s fair to to be involved with me at the moment because I rebel against the idea of being responsible to anyone else right now pretty hard core OR, I just try to control everything which is TONS o fun for all of us. Sometimes, I feel so selfish for just doing the things I want to do and I resent that a little. I am not totally sure I want to have to think about someone else’s feelings and needs all the time. I’m not totally sure I want to have to answer to anyone else or worry about whether or not my actions or behavior are going to affect them. I’m freaking worn out man, I’ve been giving all of myself to everyone else for a long, long time without giving myself a whole lot of time to take care of myself. I’m drained of the undying affection and devotion I’ve lavished upon lovers, family and friends.

Then other times, he feels like a solid, grounding source. He’s sane. He is very balancing to my wild child. Sometimes too sane. Sometimes I wish he’d cry about something or laugh hysterically over nothing. He’s always so…so…mellow.,

This is all big stuff that has to be worked out I know. Because the reality is, whether I want it or not, here it is and it was partly my doing. The situation with D is a real one. I do love him, in that way that feels like a good, solid, safe choice. “Is that ok, is that enough?” my brain asks. My heart loves the love and feeling safe with him and being able to trust him and a good portion of the time feeling like we are a good match, lord knows I haven’t had a whole lot of that with men in my life. But every now and then, the wild child in me longs for constant excitement! Passion! Some days, we already feel like a married couple of 20 years and I’m not there yet. Do I want that eventually? Of course, I do. Maybe even with D. But right now, I don’t know if I’m ready to be an established married couple after a year + of dating. And no, I don’t equate marriage with monontony, but I wouldn’t mind a little bit more woo-ing and fun times together that don’t involve routine already.

This is why I wonder if it’s really fair for him. I doubt that highly. He’s already lived a life full of playing, living for himself and doing as he pleases, when he pleases. He’s ready to settle a little, I think he sees me as a good source for that. I can see that, my wild child is tempered by the most annoyingly responsible and Type A adult you’ve ever met. But that doesn’t mean I want to be treated that way every day.

Course, I couldn’t imagine my life without him any more. He’s pretty rooted in there these days and the more I talk these things over with him, the more I am relieved to find that he seems pretty aware of where I’m at and seems to understand well and, even better, wants to see how he can help to give me both the space and freedom I need (and am sort of demanding right now) while still helping to grow our relationship. Which, I have to say, I appreciate that tremendously and gives me hope that there can in fact, be a healthy sense of self within a relationship without loosing sight of either.

Certainly there must be simple answers to life big questions? Perhaps I should consult a magic 8 ball or the cootie catchers of my youth?

Who knows? Until then, work beckons and life never stops being interesting.

PS: I am having pics done of Bella, Bailey & Myself. Yes, I am “THAT” person. Nice huh? Now, what to dress us in?