Ouch.

The man child and I have been trying to figure out the holidays visit schedule for about a month now. It’s like now that he’s on his own (in his eyes) he doesn’t have any obligations to spend time with family for Turkey Turkey Day or the Christmas Holiday. Correction, me. His dad and his dad’s side of the family are getting plenty of time with him. Which, I know is partly because a) He lives less than a mile from his dad and b) His dad, naturally, comes to Colorado to see his parents and Max comes along to see them. I’m basically left with working around what they are doing even though I offered to buy him a bus ticket out here or give him gas money or, come to see him if he didn’t feel he was able to get here.

Yesterday, M texted me and said “Good news, looks like we are coming to CO for Thanksgiving after all and I’ll have a few hours on Friday to go to lunch or something.”

My immediate response is total glee at the thought of spending some time with him. Then I think, “Wait a minute, just a few days ago he said he couldn’t come out at all?” But I ignored that and just let myself be happy about getting to spend a little time with him.

As we start discussing our plans, he seemed excited about seeing if we could find a way for him to spend one of the 3 nights he’ll be in Colorado at my place so he could see the dogs and we could all do a Thanksgiving together. I offered to drive him the 2 hour round trip Friday afternoon and Saturday morning back and forth to his Grandparents and ensuring he was able to get back up the mountain in time for him and his dad to head back to WY. He said he’d talk to his dad and see what was up, but he didn’t see a problem with that.

Lots of planning goes into all this and we leave it at that, with my coming to pick him up Friday noon and bringing him back early Saturday morning.

Five hours later it’s a totally different story. I get all this himming and hawwwing about how I need to share and he needs to spend time with his Grandparents and his dad for Thanksgiving because he spent his entire summer with me (4 weeks, most of which he spent with his friends) *blink* Huh? I’m not “sharing”? Excuse me. First of all, I’m his MOTHER. Secondly, he’s living with his dad over a year now and has seen his grandparents a number of times in between. Thirdly, I’m HIS MOTHER! Hello.

Then it hits me. And prepare yourselves because this is some real sad woe-is-me crap about to happen: He doesn’t really want to spend any time with me. In his eyes, he’s doing me a favor by conceding to a lunch date because no matter what I do, he doesn’t budge. It’s lunch. That’s it, that’s all you get. Be happy with that.

I was crushed and spent the rest of the evening fighting back the tears and feeling very depressed. I couldn’t figure out a) Why it was hurting me so bad, after all, at least he wants to see me, right? I should be happy he’s at least there, right? and b) I figure that at least some of this is his fathers influence, that much is apparent.

So what, I’m left to just deal with it I suppose. That’s the way it is now and I should be happy for the table scraps I am given? This, somehow, doesn’t feel at all ok to me. In general, I feel totally disrespected. It’s funny, because it’s not just with M. It’s at work, in many of my relationships. I just don’t feel taken seriously or all that respected as a person.

On the M front though, I can’t decide what is sparking all this deep hurt over this subject. I think I feel totally rejected on some level, as if my role as mother just isn’t all that important to anyone in the situation. Then it hits me that perhaps that is what this is really about, mother role affirmation. I am taking it pretty personally too, some might argue that it would be hard NOT to. Other’s would argue that he’s a teenage boy who is not only conflicted but most likely being pulled in numerous directions and it is my job, my responsibility to handle all of this with compassion and remember that yes, it hurts, but he’s growing up and trying to figure a lot of stuff out. This often leaves moms and dads in the lurch. I guess I just didn’t expect it to hurt this much. It sort of feels like we are going backward after a year plus of working toward a relationship that is healing and full of love.

I’m trying to dig through all this pain and rejection I’m feeling and figure out the best way to handle it. Most likely, it’s just to be the solid and suck it up butter cup. Damn it hurts like hell though.

In other and really exciting news, I may have the opportunity to hook up with Rose, Micheal and Clark William during a layover they’ll have in Denver on Saturday, November 27th. We are still working out the details, I haven’t heard anything back but I’m hoping it can happen. This opportunity reminds me that life throws you a bone every now and then and jumping on it without questioning it and feeling deflated because it’s not how the situation might have panned out according to your own personal desires.

Work is plugging along and I’m feeling more hopeful regarding a healthy progression. In spite of the fact that we’ve had a developer already resign and another I suspect, will be doing so relatively soon, it does feel like an opportunity of sorts. For all involved, the folks leaving and the folks remaining, to find a healthy balance. I believe some humbling is occurring in the upper ranks, which will bode well with those of us who catch all the crap that runs down the hill. There’s definitely a more appreciative and respectful attitude in daily interactions and while I’m still very concerned about some thing’s, I do sense that perhaps this recent turn of events will set the tone for the future. If nothing else, it’s been made clear that my work is valued. Cross those fingers for a raise!

D and I are doing well. Though, I’ve been pretty moody these past few days. I had an experience recently that triggered some of the PTSD stuff I’ve been working through for a while and that can throw me into a funk pretty easily. It must be very confusing for anyone who’s been in my general vincinity when this occurs. I don’t want to be touched or talked to or anything. I just want to be alone, I simply don’t have the energy to interact or explain what I’m feeling and I don’t want to take it out any one else, it’s not their fault these things happened to me and I’m still trying to deal. That could also be why I’m so sensitive to the stuff with Mj. I’m already a bit unbalanced at the moment, so anything is going to feel like the end of the world.

D handles it all well though, he’s so tolerant and understanding and gives me a wide berth and comes to me when I need him.

Off for now. There’s much to be done. I am cooking for Turkey Day, I’m sure I’ll go crazy and make a huge meal that D and I won’t be able to eat all of. In between now and then I’ve got a lot to do to prepare and some very good friends of mine are moving across country next Monday. This weekend will be taken up with all of that, goodbye parties and helping them pack the truck. I’ll miss them, they’ve been good to Max and I. However, I’ve learned to accept that this is life. You have moments where you are close close close to someone and then they can be gone, in a flash, out living their own lives. It’s important to remain grateful for what little time life affords us with those we connect.

Love you all!
XO
S