Internal workings…..

Internal workings…..

Somewhere along the line, in my youth or since, I’ve learned to hold myself accountable for everyone else’s happiness, sadness, general state of well being, safety and experiences except my own. Drama with the momma? Drama with the man child? My partner or friend isn’t the absolute picture of sunshine while interacting with me? A coworker smarts off at another coworker? The dogs aren’t getting along? Bella keeps peeing on my favorite towel? The cat pukes up the new food I bought her? These must all be signs somehow that I have failed the person(s) or relationship in question. Surely, it must be right? After all, I’m the epitome of sunshiny happiness, the all-knowing momma bear and would NEVER puke up a free meal! That’s just rude! I’m the absolute perfect model martyr. Right down to my sad droopy tears and restless nights agonizing over such things.

~ GAG ~

Good grief, not only is this totally exhausting and somewhat pathetic (perhaps I ought to get to focusing on my OWN life and stop worrying about everyone else’s so much?) it is totally unnecessary! The world surely isn’t doing me the same favor by agonizing over such things and some how relieving me of these anxieties. I’m the only one responsible for these things for myself (as a very wise Aunty recently pointed out) so it’s on me to treat myself kindly and with respect and take care of myself. Why then, is it or has it become some how, my responsibility to do so for everyone else?

My inner child is literally crying to be free of what feels like a life time of babysitting everyone else’s feelings and needs and wanting someone to babysit me for a minute. Uhm, inner child…hello, that would be YOU little girl. You have to babysit yourself because no one else is going to. Which isn’t totally true, evident by the number of loving souls so willing to nurture all aspects of me, even the totally goofy immature and not so always-loveable ones. It’s much to fun to play the martyr tho, jeez.

The mother in me wants to keep giving unselfishly with not ever a consideration for my own energy and well being because that’s what “good” mothers do. (more gagging)

My inner assertive realist says LET IT GO! Not your problem, everyone lives their own life and you are not responsible or accountable for their behavior, actions, outcomes or personal needs. AND you can’t fix it either.

There’s also a pretty squeaky wheel in there somewhere that just feels generally whiney about the whole damn state of affairs and gets all panicky along with the bats in the belfry…it goes something like this:

“You aren’t going to be loved, appreciated or respected if you aren’t constantly giving of yourself to others.”
~ or ~
“You aren’t loveable or desirable unless you are giving something of yourself to others.”
~ or ~
“You just aren’t enough, all by yourself without some kind of gift to offer others, you just aren’t enough.”

Some other inner working wants to remain compassionate and loving and not lose myself to the plight of the selfish little screaming child inside that is throwing tantrums because it’s not been or being heard or the self-loathing voice that always whispers that what I have to offer the world in and of myself, isn’t enough. I don’t want to become bitter or off putting or isolating or lose my belief in the power of love.

Man, I wish my voices would all start playing nicely together. They are seriously giving me a headache. Until then, I AM using my big girl voice and putting the boundary down about putting any energy into perfectly grown adults whose job it is to take care of them-selves (and always has been) and not mine. That much, at least I can do.