Diamonds On The Inside

Ben Harper - Diamonds On The Inside

Max's lab results came back normal, we are still waiting on results from the radiologist. But so far, this is a good sign.

Life is moving quickly, work is pretty consuming at the moment and between that and getting Max ready for TN I am pretty much spinning around in circles. They are good circles though, I am settling into my own life again, slowly but surely and it feels good. I have days where I feel absolutely nothing, I must admit. Like my body is still allowing me to grieve AND function each day. Luckily those days of feeling absolutely nothing, like a zombie in an unknown body...those days are fewer and the days where my flowers make me smile and Max's hugs make me feel alive and taking Kasha for a walk gives me peace of mind...those days are becoming more frequent.

I will be able to see Georgia on my own for about 6 weeks through the summer and we have discussed what direction our sessions should take. I believe this is going to be a summer of great growth and personal opportunity for self-development. For the first time in what feels like eons, I can just live for myself. The exception of course is my son, but he does not drain me. Do I worry about him? Of course and some days, he does take a lot out of me...but for the summer, life be quiet and I am looking forward to that more than I ever thought possible. I am looking forward to being alone, to living in solitude and having space to just be who I am. Having the freedom to explore this new me, the woman that I was before I met Chance is no longer. I am changed. I am stronger, I am confident, I am capable and I am on the path I believe I am meant to be on. Chance has had something to do with this and I am grateful to him. There was a time when his kindness and seemingly endless ability to understand and love me did exist and for that, I am changed. To know it exists, that is a gift. And while I am still struggling with the hope I once felt for my life with him, the idea that we might marry and live a happy life together, anyone would be pained by the loss of that hope with someone they once loved very deeply and couldn't imagine their life without the other. I am still allowing myself to mourn that loss, but the passing of that life gives me room to breathe life into a new one for myself and my family.

I am ready.

Where it goes now, I'm not really sure...but I know it has a whole lot more to do with healing myself and taking who I am to the next level. Whatever that means.


www.dreamingheart.com