Bit Of A Breath

Today, I woke up and didn't feel like a zombie and also didn't feel like my heart was literally in pieces in my stomach. I even giggled on the way to work in my car, listening to my fav morning show on the radio. Last night, I went to bed feeling a little angry at C (he recently got a new phone and took a pic of Kasha with it, I asked to see it and he didn't want to give the phone up...didn't want me looking at the pictures AT ALL....hrm, seemed a bit like a game to me...but he was adamant so I said screw this and went to bed) but as I went to sleep I realized that soon, all this anguish and uncertainty will be over. There will be no more question like "How can I help to make this better?" or "Why doesn't he do x, y or z?" and "What is wrong with me that he doesn't seem to love me like he once did?" That, in and of itself, is a relief.

I don't feel bitter or hateful, I feel sad and appropriately so. I hope I can maintain this. I also don't see my relationship as "over" with Chance, but I don't know what form it will take. That remains to be seen and I really don't have any sort of expectations, I am just comfortable letting it be what it will be. He seems to have a strong need to 'take care of me' through this process, assuring me that he isn't abandoning me and hasn't fallen off the face of the Earth...which is sweet...but I can't help but wonder why it's so important to him. I know Chance cares for me deeply and I will let that be the reason and not speculate any further. Plus, in spite of his almost total lack of emotion during this process (which I never realized how totally cold and harsh he could be until this) I suspect that somewhere, deep down inside...he is disappointed too. And maybe a little sad, I'm not sure. Maybe he's trying to take care of both of us.

I also had some obviously meaningful dreams last night, ones in which Chance was in all of them...but I was in control of the outcomes and maintained my resolve of strength through this phase and into the next of my life.

So, it feels good to have a day where I don't feel broken. It feels good to wake up and not feel like getting out of bed takes more energy then it should. Except, of course, I have come down with some sort of cold or allergy thing going on. Itchy throat...actually, more like burning/raw throat...headache, sniffles a bit. I'm sure it's just a cold and what better time? I'm already beat to shit right now, it makes total sense to me.

I know not every day is going to feel good, I also think when Chance moves out...I will probably break down all over again. I know me, I know how I work...the physical act of him leaving and all of his things being gone will probably make it all real...so I'm not holding my breath on that being a particularly easy time for either of us. But...it gets better, I know that for a fact.

Cheers to each day getting better and my cold taking a hike sooner rather than later.

xo
S