C moved most of his critical items out this weekend, TV, clothes, art-work, bath needs, etc. He left tonight for his first night at the new condo with T (new roomie.) He stayed most of Friday and last night, last night wasn't bad really. We are both sad, I know...but moping around in such a depressive state is just too overwhelming all the time...so we both sort of made light of things and managed to have an ok night.
I'm sitting here feeling a little overwhelmed, my house is in disorder now b/c of all the moving of things about and this state of 'waiting' we've been in for the last few weeks. The walls are almost totally barren, most of the art work was C's. The house feels a bit quiet and I don't feel as anxious as I have these past few weeks, that's a score.
However, the realization hit me pretty quickly after he walked out the door that I have my hands full with this house. I know NOTHING about handy-work, painting or general household mainteance of any kind. This of course speaks nothing of the financial outcomes, but I will navigate that situation carefully and see where it goes. I also can't really delve into the emotional pieces too deeply. It's not time yet. I've been doing that for weeks, so I've started digesting a lot of that. But, I still feel a sense of betrayel and sort of left in the lurch in a number of ways. And hurt. Hurts like hell sometimes actually. But thinking like that feels pretty worthless to me, it certainly does nothing to address the current issues at hand. I will acknowledge my emotion and let it be what it is. I cannot predict how this will pan out for me in that regard, but the fact remains that no matter what my heart speaks and my mind screams, I've got a full plate in more ways then just worry about how to take care of a leaking pipe.
Tonight though, I will embrace the memories (happy and maybe not so happy) of these past few years and begin my plans for a new life altogether. Cycles of change never end, the more I am confronted with the things that once traumatized me, the more I am able to overcome the fears and feel like I am capable, I am worthy of having the life I want.
1 comment:
I'll totally be your handy-gal. You have my number and don't hesitate to call!!! I'll be there in a few weeks and we can hang out if you are feeling up to it.
I was scared when J dumped on our dreams, but I found a good mechanic and did a lot of web searching for things that I didn't know how to do - and I reclaimed my self-sufficiency. You can do it!!!
:)
Strong Mangos rock the Kazbahhhh~
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