The weekend was quite enjoyable, probably the quietest weekend I've had in many months. Friday night Max was off perusing the Carnation Festival with his buddies and probably chasing girls. I played computer games, read and watched Intervention. Finally spoke with my mother briefly after months of silence, I confronted her about not contacting me in over 2 months and she suggested that it simply wasn't fair to expect her to work around my cell phone schedule, which leaves weekends totally open. *shrug*
Saturday morning was spent resting and weeding the flower bed. S came and spend the afternoon w/ me at the Carnation Festival, it was good to catch up. I am so pleased for her, she is so happily in love with Mr. Big T and it overcomes me with joy. What a special lady, it is time for her to be treated as such by a man she loves.
Max babysat Evan monkey Saturday night, first real babysitting gig by himself without parents. Max is amazing with children and animals, it's fun to see him have an interest already in spending time with his little nephew.
Saturday night I watched the second seasons of "Weeds" I would highly recommend it to Crys & D, P & J and M & H. The humor is incredibly absorbing. I also spent the evening texting various folks across the country and feeling a little bored to be honest, but not feeling much energy to do anything about it. Listless might be a good word to describe how I felt that night.
Slept like a sweet little bebee and was up early Sunday pondering the universe and feeling that nothing-space again. It's not a negative place really, it's just...nothing. I feel nothing. In recent months I have been experiencing moments, even days at a time where I seem to feel almost nothing at all. There is no elation, joy, fear, anxiety. I don't feel loving, grateful, happy or sad. Laughter sort of spews out operatically. Painful thoughts cross my mind but I don't really feel one way or the other about that. Getting excited about much of anything seems sort of daunting and my body just doesn't allow it. I suppose this is SOME kind of emotive expression....apathy? I recall feeling something similar to this when I came home from CA. Just sort of plugging through the day, on auto-pilot and generally feeling wasted, Drained. I guess that can be ok place to be, it just doesn't feel very grounded to me and perhaps that is why it feels so foreign. Certainly not because I am the epitome of grounded zen-ness, but more because I am generally emotional and sensitive and feel rather comfortable with that as it's how things have always been for me. Removing the deeply embedded emotional thread leaves a void. Voids are empty. And that's how I felt yesterday, Just sort of empty and walking through empty territory.
My that sounds depressing. When it is expressed in words it definitely sounds that way doesn't it? It might be time to start doing something about this. I keep thinking the energy I need to do so will come back to me and I'll suddenly perk up and bloom like a gloriously enormous sunflower, top heavy and beautiful, strong and yellow. Smiling and happy again. I may need to do some watering, I guess nothing grows without a little nurturing?
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