The weekend was a mixture of warm and cool reminders of the current state of affairs. Max spent most of the entire weekend doing 'teenager' things that include football games, flirting with cheerleaders, babysitting the nephew and eating pizza at Pietra's with the guys yesterday afternoon. There were really only brief glimpses of him until dinner last night when I was finally able to reel him in long enough to sit down with me and go over the coming week at school.
I spoke at length Friday evening with my GramE, which was helpful for my spirit. She is a great source of inspiration to me. I was able to touch base with a few other friends briefly, but by Saturday morning I found myself in a pretty bad place emotionally and it pretty much took me the rest of the weekend to climb out of it.
Never before these past few months have I felt such a need for solitude, not even the energy to answer phone calls or emails. I just can't some times. I want to be alone, to sleep, to rest, to find myself again.
In reflection this morning, I can see that what I experienced over the weekend is a fairly natural progression in the process of healing. Now that the chaos has begun to subside and life is returning to something like this new kind of normalcy, I've been able to begin the next state in this journey. This weekend, I felt more sadness and more loss. The recognition that while I am supported, loved and highly encouraged by most people in my life, the simple fact is that I find myself facing this world alone again. Everyone that I am close to in my life has a partner, a mother or brother they are close to, etc. They do things together, go to concerts, enjoy life together, support each other in only that way that those people can. This is not to say that I do not have closeness with others and in no way does it discount my relationship with Max, because we are a family and we do work hard together to make that happen. No, that is not what this is about. It is about the realization that I've spent 3 years developing a life with someone else who has disappointed me in every possible sense. It is about the time, energy, love and money I've invested into creating a life with someone that has all been a great facade. It is about the idea that I lost myself so completely in someone else, something I swore I'd never do. Many of my relationships have waned because of my involvement with Chance and I find myself in a situation where those associations are pretty much dead in the water and I do not have the energy to reach out to them or rekindle those friendships. It's coming down to the bare bones fact that I am picking myself up from a place that was lower than when I met Chance, colder, lonelier. Sadder. I am changed, I am hurt, I am older and I am flailing. Not because I am without him, that ship has sailed my friend and it is the healthiest possible result all things considered. That I know for certain. I am flailing because I am drained. I am so emotionally dry and cracked at the moment that I find myself with days where I have zero energy, a giant chip on my shoulder, little or no interest in much of anything and mostly, I'd just rather be alone. The good news is that these days, (the really bad ones) are outweighed more and more by the good ones. So, I'll take solace in that.
But, I'm not totally thrilled with this idea that every few days or so I am digging myself out of this headspace that feels sort of dreamy and not grounded in any sense of the word. It's not just about Chance, it's about this feeling like I don't really know what to do with myself right now. Max is growing up quickly and is home much less, as mentioned before a good majority of the people in my life are out living their own lives and I am so happy for all of them. Certainly my happiness is no one else's responsibility but my own. The being alone part, in the physical sense, that is not so much the difficult part. Again, as I mentioned....it's what I prefer at the moment. Right now, spending time alone feels like the only way I can really heal. I don't have to answer to anyone, put on a happy face or otherwise find a way to entertain others or pretend I'm doing ok when I'm just not. The difficult part is just feeling no sense of direction, everything has shifted again and I suppose it simply draws attention to my total inability to adapt to change. I am resilient, this is probably true. However, history has dictated that changes are usually traumatic for me. And in this case, that was initially true...now, it's just the adaptation, the clean up after the hurricane.
This all seems like a natural progression to me, I don't feel terribly depressed necessarily. Just in that nothing space again. It comes and it goes. Chance often accused me of 'wallowing' in my own sadness, as if I enjoyed it. Interesting to me now that he was often the cause of that sadness, yet I refused to see it or call him out on it when I did see it. Even if I did, he would've never acknowledge his role. What ever it is that I am wallowing in now, it is not sadness for the loss of him, it is the sadness for who I am now and how to get the girl that I, and everyone else, loves back. Getting it back to good so to speak. It is sadness for the loss of an innocent place in me, that loved so openly and so courageously after all I'd been through and to have that betrayed. It is sadness for the feeling deep inside me that questions whether or not I'll ever even be able to love again. It is sadness for the loss of my personal power, my self esteem, my peace of mind. It is sadness for my body and my spirit and my heart. It is sadness for what I've done to myself and not knowing how to redeem it. That part hurts probably the most. The only person I can look to for answers is myself. "Blaming" others is worthless here. Becoming embittered and cynical are all the things I wish to avoid.
With all that is going on in the world, surely I must be able to find a place to put all this energy. To help someone else, to love again, to find purpose again. Max is my purpose and that goes without saying, but mother hood has never been totally what defines me. Especially as he gets older, Max is becoming his own person and I have to find something in the midst of all of this that promotes growth for myself as well.
What that looks like right now, I don't know. I don't know what's with all sudden urgency either, maybe that it's been 2 months and I'm still sort of out of it some times. Feeling surreal. I guess I can't put a time frame on any of it. Something WILL shake me out of this tree, I know that.
I guess until then it is ok for me to snuggle up with my woobie and my dog all day if I want to. It's not the worst thing I could be doing.
Cheers to a brighter day today! Have a good day all....just keep swimming!
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