Indicators

My new favorite word is "indicator." One single word encompasses gauging a situation.

R (a total doll of a co-worker and interesting too, proof that looks, brains and a soul do exist a guy!) took me to Kabob Station today (hmmm) and I spent the entire time feeling hypersensitive to things I hadn't noticed before. He went to get his truck to pick me up and drop me off near the door so I didn't have to walk to much, he listened to what I had to say. He looked me in the eye while communicating and gave me a little squeeze when I got a little frustrated about my ankle and how long it takes me to move around; he brought me crutches today at work and is trying, to no avail - I am CLUMSY these days - to use them. He yelled at me for having cigarettes in my purse, he said he didn't want to have wooop my ass over something so stupid since he's sure I must be smarter than that. He holds the door and offered to carry my purse (ha man purse) while I was trying not fall and split my head open on those crutches, he doesn't bullshit me. He's not trying to be a good-guy, he's not trying to get in my pants or my wallet. He's happily involved with a beautiful young lady and loves her and her son. I see marriage for these two, it's so very sweet. He talks about her like she his princess and swells with pride when even the mention of her name comes up.

Then I got it, this is just how he treats women. The women he likes. He and I get along quite well, much like my relationships with Brian, Matt and Dane through the years...it's very honest and brotherly, but still fun enough to feel like good close friends.

I forgot what it is like to be treated like I am worth something by a man, like I count, like who I am interests him. I forgot what's like to spend time with a man that opens the door for you and doesn't smooth everything over with a thin film of charm. Spending time around someone that isn't trying to so hard to convince me (or themselves) that they are a good person, honorable, genuine, authentic, compassionate....not trying to convince me, just are those things....wow, the clarity!

Yup. Talk about a wake up call.

Then I thought to myself that R treated me sweeter in an hour than I'd been treated by a guy in a very long time and how really sad that is. I thought about the long lunches I used to take with Brian and how we had a similar repoire, just comfortable and he seemed to think I was a pretty special girl. So special in fact that he asked me to help him pick out his then-fiance's engagement ring because it mattered what I thought.

All of these things, actions....the things people DO and not just say, they are indicators. Indicators of who they are, not what they say they are. Why I've never realized this before is beyond me....Howard treats Mary like she is a queen (and she is) without question, the respect they have between them is not like anyhting I've seen. My Grandfather takes care of my GramE and vice versa. Dane really tries to make Crystal happy, he cares about she feels. Matt wants to know that Helen is happy and in love, because it matters to him. Matt CLEANS the bathroom!?!?!? Can you imagine? Dane takes Crystal to the movies and does stuff with her. They hang out - together!

The closest people to me, their actions also say more than any words I've heard from the people that have come and gone through out my life. My best friend and I haven't been able to live more than 15 miles apart since I moved home from CA. My family is supportive and loving and always there, no matter what. Howard said to call him at 3 in the morning if I need to. Sandy is trying to help me find a contract job, Crystal offered to pay for me to come to Mexico for cripes sakes so I wouldn't miss her wedding b/c it was important and I was sad that I was missing it. That's what people who love you do.

Slowly, the realization of what love is becomes clearer. It's not about what you say....it's about what you do. Duh. And from the beginning, when you are first getting to know someone...there are indicators about what type of person they are simply based on these little things.

It's not about judgement. It's about allowing myself to see what is real and not what I want it to be.