Little Fishy Longing To Be Free

This little fishy has recently had a fishy epiphany.

I want freedom.

It's a pretty simple sentiment, there is nothing at all complex about the idea.

• I want freedom from my wallet and the countless number of hands out for money.
• I want freedom from my cell phone and it's constant barrage of ringing and demands.
• I want freedom from this physical body I no longer recognize or feel comfortable in.
• I want freedom from the whisperings of my various addictions, begging to be fed.
• I want freedom from this cube hell, artificial lighting and recycled air.
• I want freedom from serving a purpose no higher than making someone else independently wealthy.
• I want freedom from something deeply painful within me that works diligently to sabotage any sense of happiness I might be feeling.
• I want freedom from feeling I have failed my child, from those memories of his early years and all that I cannot take back.
• I want freedom from dysfunctional relationships and co-dependant behaviors.
• I want freedom to heal, to enjoy this life, to spend my time existing with purpose.
• I want freedom from a past that never seems far enough away.
• I want freedom from self-indulgent, self-destructive and self-absorbed narcissism.
• I want freedom to learn, try, be, give and do new things.
  

Accepting and embracing the idea that I have the power to make and effect the changes I wish to see, has been slow in coming. Outwardly, I am a grand and wise theoretical thinker, inwardly, in matters of self....I am not able to think past the parts where I am still small, weak, victimized. To insecure to take risks or admit that I've fallen. Those voices that love to scream at me, and tell me what a terrible person I am, how guilty I should be feeling about x, y or z...those voices are not my own. They were planted how ever many decades ago by something entirely outside of who I have become and I think it's time to let them go.

• I want freedom from the voices that are convinced I will fail.
• I want freedom from the ever doubtful rational that has ruled my life.
• I want freedom from the asshole that told me I'd never be worth anything.
• I want freedom from the mask that suffocates me.

Some times, I don't know where to start. I often think I've taken a good step in moving up the road to some sense of recovery of who I can be, and then I slam into a brick wall going about 90. Somewhere, I learned the "crash and burn" method as a way of coping. Perhaps it is that I strive in chaos, or at least...I have in the past. A past I no longer wish to revisit.

• I want freedom to be happy and smile a lot.
• I want freedom to not take myself so seriously.
• I want freedom to love with passion and not fear.

This little fishy is treading water at the moment....carefully pondering which direction to swim, it's not as scary as she might have thought. But actually doing it, that's where fish's start flopping.

good luck fishy. you can do it. and do not, ever, let the turkeys get you down.

gobble gobble.