To Be A Fly On That Wall...

Rage Against The Machine and Zack reunited in Coachella CA last night for the first time in 7 years. C and I have been hearing about this for a few months locally, but knew us making it to CA for such an event wouldn't be feasible during this time of year for numerous reasons.

I am saddened that we could not attend, Rage fans are a unique breed and the power of their message (and the music) cannot go unnoticed. Though I am sad we missed it, I am proud of them for putting their differences aside and coming forth to make a statement about the current political situation and I now have hope that the opportunity may present itself again for an actual live show some time in my life time.

Go Zack, you'd betta testify! Those bandmates of yours are rockin' the beat yo! Who knew Bulls On Parade was prophetic?

http://www.nme.com/news/coachella/28013

~ yawn ~

Friday Night:
Had a lovely visit with Mary, the parkway by her home is so beautiful when the seasons change. I miss her when life makes it difficult for us to get together, I am thinking of making it a Friday afternoon ritual perhaps so we CAN get that time in. She is working now, mostly full days from the sounds of it. Teaching and prepping D for NYU and K for graduate school in PA in the fall. It's all such a big transition at the their house, it all seems to emotional to me but M handles it in stride. Luckily, I am getting some good training on how to handle this same scenario with Max in a few years and if it's anything like what I've seen Mary and her family go through, it goes by quicker than is even remotely fair and at some point your kids are grown ups and life changes in a hurry.

After, C and I went out for a drink and a few moments of couple time and Max went over to his buddies for a few hours. Came home, laid on the couch. C was supposed to meet up with me at the house for movies and bed time (Max had early soccer game Saturday) but he ended up over at a friend of his until late and that was that.

Saturday:
Early rise and shine and off to soccer in Englewood. 4 hours of sleep, woo hoo! Great field, beautiful morning and Max played well. They tied the game, which is better than a loss in my book but Max was still disappointed. He was clearly disappointed, but generally in a good mood. Came home, picked up the house a bit and Max went over to Justin's to help with yard work and hang out with Evan. Chance went to school for the afternoon. I had the whole house to myself. whoa.

I had big plans, but I ended up: napping; taking a bath, doing yoga and snuggling my pets. I then got on the phone with my Aunty MB since I had a few moments of quite time before C got home and chatted with her a bit. It was her Birthday yesterday (Happy Birthday Aunty) so I'm glad I got at least a few minutes in with her.

C got home, I got off the phone and we had a wonderful evening. I can't remember the last time we had that kind of alone time together, we talked and snuggled and laughed and drank wine and it was good. We had some conversations that needed to be had and made some choices together that I feel really good about!

Sunday:
Up bright and early again on very little sleep, shew I'm exhausted on this day! C went on an all day adventure with Andy and I took a nap (again) and watched Evan most of rest of the day while everyone else was out running errands. He's so sweet, except he's overly fascinated by anything I might be drinking and kept sticking his little hand in my water glass. That gets messy real quick. Kasha also came up and snatched one of his graham crackers right out of his hand! That made him cry and then she moped around and made that face like she's being abused and went and hid in the blankets on the couch. He then wanted to 'share' all of his food with her which obviously was a problem so I had to put her outside and then all hell broke loose for a moment (Kasha unhappy about being outside, Evan unhappy about loosing his new friend) which was all easily redirected with a choo choo train and a goofy aunt running up and down the stairs. I then fed the little booger some glazed carrots (yum) and potatoes and he had some chicken left over from one of Max's dinners and next thing you know Mom and Dad are their to pick him up and he's gone again. I like being an Aunty, that's not such a bad gig if you ask me.

Max went out and played with his buddies the rest of the afternoon and I watched "Americas Next Top Model" marathon until C got home. And napped a bit more too. I have recently discovered the power of napping and how 20 mins here and there can make a ginormous difference. Historically, I've not been able to nap or sleep in as soon as the sun comes up...but if conditions are just right, I can nap quite well for short periods of time now.
C came home exhausted from his day trip with Andy and we watched 'The Last King Of Scotland'...well sort of, we mostly just laid there and snuggled. Then it was off to bed.

beep
beep
beep
beep
beep
beep
beep

Then I woke up to the alarm and my phone buzzing off the night table
~ yawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwn ~

It was a great weekend though I didn't get much done around the house as planned, the yard is in dire need of attention. I have some major weeding to do, the lawn needs to be mowed and the back patio is in desperate need of a good cleaning/sweeping. All of these things may have needed to be done, but I think I got exactly what I needed to have done and that was spending time doing what I wanted to do for me.

Non-Work Related Goals for this week:
a) Sleep each night at least 7 hours
b) Yard work
c) House work
d) Grocery shopping
e) Half hour - hour of yoga 3 nights
f) Get Max's bike to the shop
g) Further research online free university
h) Get budget in order for next 3 months and plan to purchase airline tickets (Mexico, TN)

Happy Monday All!

Song of the day:
Norah Jones - Be Here To Love me

And Then................

Spent 3 hours yesterday being examined, poked, prodded, imaged, stretched, diagnosed and treated. I have migraines. big woop. So does half the planet. Soooo, luckily nothing more than that for now. We'll do another MRI in 6 months just to be sure there's nothing deeply lurking. And I've got some good drugs should I need them next time, that way I won't end up in the hospital thinking I'm having some neurological attack....~ shudder ~

Blood work came out great, blood pressure, heart rate...all the normal stuff, all good. Kidney counts are all good, even liver function is looking great. SHOCKER! Apparently, I'm a pretty healthy lady...except I did get the "you could probably loose 20 lbs, just to be safe" speech. My doc rocks, so I don't take it personal. She's right, I'd rather NOT put my body under more stress than is necessary. Sooo, I promised her I would do so before my next visit. That's doable.

She was shocked at my cholesterol, simply because I am a little overweight....I have the cholesterol counts of a women half my size. I was feeling pretty pleased with myself about that....I just grinned at her. She said "You must eat a lot of veggies!" I said, "Yeah, something like that." I did reminder her though that my pudgealicious tummy is do more to the initial weight gain from last year when I moved into the house, quite smoking and a myriad of other personal dramas occurred...I just haven't really been able to get it off since. Because I like pasta, bread, rice and potatoes (to excess, hmmmm carb-sugar, yummmm) and olive oil, it's not going any where until I decide to make it so. Make It So #1!

har. Little Star Trek humor for you there. durh.

I am wicked tired today, I usually am by Thursday nights and then Friday rolls around and I'm back on the bandwagon for the weekend. This weekend promises to be busy.

So all in all, I'm healthy happy and feeling good about many things. I always have too much to do, so I've decided to stop complaining and procrastinating about it and just move forward. Things don't get done just thinking about them right?

AND BY THE WAY..............

Just in case no one has noticed what the Mad Cowboy is up to today....
http://news.monstersandcritics.com/middleeast/news/article_1295810.php/Bush_to_veto_Democrats_Iraq_pullout_plan__Roundup_

Don't forget to read the comments...

Certainly he won't go down without a fight, that would be rolling over to easily at this point. I'm sure we'll go several more rounds before progress is made, probably not until he's out of office. But what gets me worked up is his openly belligerent attitude. He personifies the very charasticists the world nation as a whole has for despising us. blech.

Maxter Breaks The Mold!

Max has been an absolute doll this past week, reminiscent of his sweeter days as a young child. Loving, affectionate, humorous, considerate, helpful, not nearly as combative and visibly a much happier, brighter and more confident young man.

There are a number of reasons why I believe this change has come into affect and personally I feel it is a culmination of the 1+year in therapy, Howard's extraordinary efforts to work with him and get him on track, tutoring, and our being able to (possibly) work through some issues with his father.

His grades are steadily improving, as is his attitude. He seems confident and capable, he seems excited about his future, he's talking about girls in a way I've never heard before. Is it possible that some of this hard work, tough love and unwavering support has paid off for the big man?

Let's hope so, I know I've got my fingers crossed and some level of hope that maybe, just maybe he might end up being a balanced, healthy happy kid and that we might enjoy the next couple of years we have together before he's off and running out in the world.

~ sniff ~

He told G last night "It's my choice to treat people like poo, I just don't want to any more. I don't want to be unhappy, I want to have fun and get to do fun stuff. Who I want to be is my choice."

I almost started bawling.

Then he said:

"I like it when Mom and I get along, I like it when she's not stressed out because my teachers call her or because I didn't do my homework. Then she's a whole lot nicer to me and gives me more freedom. I also like it when she's relaxed because she can hang out with me more."

Then I did start crying, quietly.

FINALLY...The child has had some blinding flash of clarity?!?!?!

Who knows what prompted it and what ultimately his motives are (if any) but what I do know is that Max appears to be seeing the direct correlation between hard work and the subsequent possibilities and opportunities from his hard work. If I get a good grade on a test, everyone tells me how good I am and I feel good about myself. PLUS I get to stay out a little later with my friends. If I do my chores with out my mother having to ask 5 times (or even once in this case, he just came home and took the garbage out on Monday! w/o one word from me?!) then she trusts that I will do what I am supposed to do and that gives me more freedom to do the things I want to do. If I am cool to people and don't walk around with a chip on my shoulder, they might actually see what a great person I am on the inside! I am bright and can feel good about myself.

Then he proceeded to explain about all the hot girls that were hanging out with him at the skate park and how he liked that they were there to watch him. He didn't get any numbers that day, but he's got give it time to get the 'right' girl. ALRIGHTY THEN! Wayyyyyyyy to mature for a 14 year old, but okaaaaaaaay. Then I realized, he'll be 15 soon and that's no joke. It's the real deal, he's a big man now and his life is going to change soon in a drastic way when he starts high school. Maybe, just maybe we've been able to make some progress before the bigger challenges do come along?

If nothing else, Max has been a blast these past few days and just the idea that he CAN be this way right now gives me little glimmering happy butterfly feelings. If I had one wish in the world, it would be that Mj (and all children) would have a life that is fulfilling, loving, supported and full of opportunities. Thanks to his outstanding support system, he may just have that.

Though I know that taking this one day at a time is the most sane approach.

I thought this morning that it might be time to remind him about the condoms in his bathroom and the "Mom won't be counting them or invading your privacy, just promise to use them if you are in that situation!" talk. It also occurred to me that if he DOES get B's and A's his Freshmen year as promised, I will have to send him to that very expensive driving school so he can get his permit.

Oh. My. Freaking. Goddess!

Someone please hold me.

Spring In Colorado

There is only one word that describes springs in Colorado:

Unpredictable.

You could face any one or all of the following conditions within a limited period of time:

- thunder,
- rain,
- snow,
- sleet,
- hail,
- bluster you right over,
- range in temperature from 12 degrees to 72,
- flood,
- freeze,
- cause power outages, surges or black outs;
- etc....
- oh...don't forget tornado's...

Currently, it is thundering, raining, blowing, snowing and sleeting....er something like that. I went out at lunch for a quick break and to make a few phone calls only to find one half of 120th flooding and the other getting pretty slick from all the sleet and rapidly cooling temperature.

I am personally a fan of weather, I think it is very interesting to have a first hand account from the Earth about where she's at and what she has to say. So none of this bothers me, but what does bother me is this sort of apocalyptic feeling to this day and really, recent weather here has been extreme. Everyone is talking about Global Warming now that it is no longer some tree hugging, long haired hippy environut idea. It's main stream now baby and it's about flipping time....maybe people will get off their keesters and start facing the facts that our planet is dying and we are responsible and we are the only ones who can make an effort to make change.

I've lived in Colorado more than half of my life, in the 20 odd years I've lived here....I've never seen a cycle like this one starting from the end of last summer and those crazy record heats to the snow this winter and an even more far ranging spring time. This will all melt tomorrow and that is normal and keep in mind that Colorado spans a cross section of the Rockies, so it's blizzarding about 20 miles from me at this moment while it's mostly just sleeting and raining here right now...

My point is that while I'd like to join the local masses and pretend like this is normal, some sort of cycle, there is no doubt something to be concerned about. Whether this is a normal weather cycle or not (which I am SO not buying that, sorry) decisions do need to be made about what to do when the public is facing severely adverse weather conditions in a climate culture that has not historically been required to be prepared for such things on a regular basis.

For example, due to the over 5 business days of weather that was not save to be traveled in within a 10 day period around the holidays this past year, my company has implemented a policy about snow days. If the office is closed, we are still required to make up the time or take it as PTO. That means, if the general regional manager who lives less than a mile from here cannot get into work and decides to close the office, it is our responsibility to compensate for that. On the flip side, if Max's school is closed due to snow I am expected to either leave him home and come to work or bring him with me...or if I am very very lucky, I might have a laptop already with me for such situations.

Huh? If they close the office...it's my responsibility to huh...what? Okkkaaay.

Work has to still get done, I get that. Trust me I do, I've only been allowed to take 2 PTO days without being harangued by my clients...so I get it. But I'm sorry, I'm not going to risk it...it's not worth it to me to risk my life to get to work. Which I can tell you, that storm we had before Christmas...that was probably the most terrifying drive I've ever had. It took me close to one and half hours to get here and that was BEFORE it was even bad. So because the weather is really bad and I don't have a laptop at home I have to take PTO or come in on a Saturday before Christmas? Hrmmm.

Guess I just see the potential for some abuse because of these issues...I vote if this sort of thing continues, it's going to have to go to the state level and have some decisions made about protecting employee rights.

I wonder how employers handle it in states that have tornados rip through them? Thing is with that, those states have been facing that for years...Colorado DOES have crazy weather, but it generally keeps it's distance from Denver and the Metro area. Now, it's creeping in for real and not all of us are going to drive SUV's. Sorry.

"Mayo" Shirt

What A Weekend!

Wow, what a great weekend we had! It was a blast, albeit extraordinarily busy, but still one I ended up enjoying quite.

Friday:
Prepared for Mom's party. Made a cake, got some decorations and spent most of the afternoon doing laundry and cleaning. I actually was not feeling good at all Friday afternoon, but luckily it seemed to pass quickly. Probably just allergies. Chance went out for his first officially ride with the boys on the bike and ended up staying out pretty late Friday night. He got home about 9:30 at which point we just ended up talking and watching movies until the wee hours of the morning. That was nice :)

Saturday:
Got up after about 5 hours of sleep and got ready to meet Howard to pick up the car. Soooo tired, but I grabbed a Starbucks on the way and pulled it together. Max was excited to get the Baby Jetta back as well and while we waited for Howard we looked at all the now '07 VW models. Some nice stuff, in particular Max likes the newest VW sporty called the "EOS" (Google it w/ the black exterior and drop top convertible.) I must admit, it is a nice ride, but not for me. Max has the "I'll be driving soon" bug so he likes to sit and stare at cars and dream about what could be. It's all very cute.

Big thanks to Howard, he's been so amazing these past few weeks with Max and helping me with the Baby Jetta.

Got the Baby Jetta back and drove all over creation running errands and prepping for Mom's party.

Ms. Helen came to meet up at my place about 3:30 before going to PFChangs and we hung out a bit and chilled and got the party under way. Her hair looks SO cute!

PFChangs was fantastic, I had my favorite (tofu lettuce wraps, Ma Po veggies/tofu) but next time will try the Buddha's Feast, steamed. Everyone else went to town on various other dishes and the meal was topped of nicely by an Asian Pear Mojito. YUMMMMM!

Christine, one of my Mom's friends from school, was extremely entertaining and I hope to see her again. What a unique individual, I always appreciate meeting new and interesting folks. Bubba Monkey (Evan) kept cooing and winking at me from the other side of the table, I miss the little booger, glad J & C could bring him.

We went home and mostly just hung out the rest of the night, everyone having their own conversations here and there. Matty showed up and he seemed in extraordinarily high spirits which I can certainly appreciate. My mother really enjoys Matt and I am happy he could come and spend some time with her on her birthday. It was nice to see him having so much fun and enjoying himself, it is an infectious energy and not one I've seen for a while.

We spent the rest of night playing spades, talking, giggling and reminiscing. I had a fantastic time with everyone and it truly was a wonderful way to spend a Saturday night. Unfortunately, Sunday was my punishment for having so much fun as I spent most of it with a terrible headache and got very nervous about it being a migraine. Luckily, it didn't go that route, but I still spent most of Sunday shaking off all the food and wine I had the night before.

During all of this activity, two things became very clear to me.

Max really likes hanging out with 'the adults' and particularly enjoys man time. Matt, Grandpa Jim and Chance spent some time just talking with him and he seemed to get quite a bit out of that. He is definitely feeling out how he fits into the male dynamic. Interesting to watch.

I miss my mother when I don't see her for a very long time. I genuinely enjoyed spending that time with her and I can see the many ways in which we both have grown and matured. This makes me happy, for her and I both.

Off to work, busy week ahead of me with too much to do as always. I have the ink thing test on Wednesday as well as a standard annual physical exam. So, a full work up will be done in addition to this stuff going on with my head. I am sure it will all turn out fine, I'll keep you posted.

Peace!
xoxo
S

Eventful Week

Friday brings me feeling like this week flew by with barely the blink of an eye and the weekend promises to be just as eventful....recap as follows:

Monday:
Mondays are all always crazy days because
a) Work usually requires catch up from the weekend
b) Max has tutoring AND soccer practice that day
c) Howard comes that night to visit with Max after soccer practice
d) Chance is generally doing homework

Tuesday:
a) Went to see Georgia
b) Took Chance to pick up his bike at Thunder Mountain Harley in Loveland
c) Took Max to dinner at Hooters while C was doing man/bike things
d) Followed C home (have to drive the 1st 50 miles under 45 mph) on his bike
e) Came home and we all barely made it into our beds

Wednesday:
a) Work kicked my butt (writing requirements now for a freaking week....gaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh)
b) We had a lunch for the April birthdays and went to Heaven Dragon
c) Had Sesame Tofu/Brown Rice/Veggies...made me ill
d) Came home rushed Max to tutoring, then soccer practiced
e) Cleaned house until 12 am

Thursday:
a) More writing requirements (For those of you who don't know what this is, it's basically writing technical documentation used in the quoting process with clients. This includes EVERY single possible detail associated with the project from the database design and functionality, to how the application will flow to reports based on data collection. Very detailed...but very macro. I am very good at this process, but something about it totally drains me.)
b) Had to provide additional passport documentation (needed a birth certificate with a state seal? Go figure, don't' know what was wrong with the one I gave them...but oh well, should have it in the next two weeks or so.)
c) Laundry (blah)
d) Nails
e) Sleep

Today:
a) Wrap up requirements at work
b) Prep for Mom's 50th birthday (see Saturday below)
c) Wrap up laundry
d) Run some errands this afternoon
e) Help Mj with homework/test prep
f) Call about High School Shadowing

Saturday:
a) Yard work
b) Pick up Mom's cake
c) Pick up and decorate the house a bit
d) Max and I will meet Mom & Jim at PFChangs for lunch
e) Come back to the house and hang out with friends

Sunday:
REST! SLEEP! Course the house will require some picking up I am sure, it always does after we have people over...but we've managed to keep it to a dull roar lately so that's good.

This doesn't include the car situation and 5 billion other things going on with Maxter. Oh and my friends giving me guilt trips for not calling them back when I said I would. I am SUCH a terrible friend, I tell you what. Last I checked, my phone does receive calls as well and generally the only time I get phone calls from them is when they want me to baby sit. I think they are putting way to much energy into being hurt over a phone call. Count me out of all that, I don't need to hear it. I've got enough positive pieces on my plate to keep me more than content....no drama haters! Buh-bye!

But, I have become a master juggler! WOO HOO. Look at me go!

I also plan to kidnap Chance tonight after his ride with Andy and make him sit with me long enough to snuggle, talk and have couple time. We currently have something resembling the "high five" relationship where we see each other in passing in and out of the house. It makes spending time together, QUIET ALONE TIME a challenge...but we are getting better about it. Plus, I know big man needs to get out on the bike for real with Andy and have a go at it. Sounds like fun to me;)

Have a good weekend everyone....remember the United States Supreme Court just set back women's reproductive freedom 3 decades - but today is the 9th anniversary of Columbine and Rush Limbaugh knows the facts so we won't worry about how little emphasis our government places on proactive measures to save lives and provide women with the freedom to make their own health care choices. We'll just skip that part all together and focus entirely on all the ways our kids are totally screwed up today, so much so that they are killing each other. Then we can all stand around in shock and horror and point fingers at peer pressure and guns and the parents and Marilyn Manson and video games and bullying. All of those issues are clearly much bigger than the fact that our leaders are waging a war of fear unto us, that we are murdering hundreds of people every day all over the world, that our kids are facing times like no other in history, that American soldiers are facing 2, 3 and 4 tours of duty in an illegal war, that our economy is teetering and not one thing on the global scale feels remotely stable at the moment. Gee, I can't imagine why young, impressionable people might be stressed out and have no means of support. We are to busy trying not get blown up right now to pay attention to the needs of our own children. That's pretty depressing considering they will be our leaders someday.

The VW Gods Have Been Kind

Oh mah gosh, oh mah gosh.....long long story, but the Baby Jetta is getting a whole new transmission and it's all under warranty! I still have to pay like $500 for something else, but hey...it's better than $5k!

Woop woop. Oh bless you kind VW Goddess for it is a good good day!

WOOP WOOP

Drama Mongers

The situation in VA is terrible, it truly truly is. I am saddened and my heart goes out to each of these families and all of the students affected by such an act of violence. It's awful, ugly and certainly a sad day in our history.

My disgust for the media through times of tribulation are not pardoned by my sadness though. It has been less than 48 hours, not all the facts are known and the media is crawling all over it like cockroaches. And like cockroaches, they have very little respect for privacy. There are hundreds if not thousands of people directly effected by the deaths of these students, faculty...by a horror that none of us can understand when it happens. Yet this college campus, instructors and anyone closely related to the situation is being actively stocked, hounded and questioned without restraint.

And...what does it matter if the person, that for what ever reason felt inclined to start shooting people, is South Korean? How does that factor AT all into the situation? I'm pretty baffled by it, but that's the first thing you read when you see the description of the 'killer.' As if you can't tell by the kids picture that is now plastered all over the internet. Apparently his ethnic origin is a critical factor in what type of person he was. And that he was a 'loner'. ooooh scary, that MUST make him a bad guy. Speculating on this persons character is totally inappropriate. It doesn't change the facts.

Primarily though, what irks me the most, is how you can almost imagine some Franken-Journalist salivating over this news. Eyes gleaming, lips in a grim smile. Wringing a sweaty set of palms with eager anticipation of the details. And even worse than the freakish plastic people contained in little electronic boxes spewing forth accounts of information that cannot be proven at the moment are their masters who decide what should be reported based on the desires of those currently stuffing the pockets of their network.

It is all very sad, I do not discount that. I do not discount the fact that there is something very wrong here. It's just very painful to see how grossly uneven the balance is between the media and the reality.

One thought I've had all day though is this: Fox News has been approved to show footage and air audio of 911 one calls from this even but not dead soldiers coming home from Iraq. Or the 100 Iraqi's killed for every American soldier. Anna Nicole Smith and idiot Imus were considered breaking news for days, those topics are STILL HOT.

Diversions diversions diversions.

Fear fear fear!

Top 3 Reasons Why Teens Are Brats

3) It's very interesting to poke and prod the world around you, to see what types of reactions you will get and learn about who will tolerate certain behaviors and who will not. Unfortunately, it's even more interesting and seemingly angstful to pout and walking around being melancholy when said poking and prodding of the external world does not equate into the desired results.

2) Actually, being angstful really is the best part of being a teenager. Very emo, gets a lot of attention and causes concerns to the adults who love her. Plus speaking with dripping sarcasm and boastful disrespect is the ultimate way to express ones total dissapointment and apathy with the world around him.

1) And the #1 reason why teens are total flippin' brats? Cuz they just can't help it. Those hormones pulsing through their blood streams, coupled with the realities of life they are suddenly facing in a fast and furious manner can only equal one thing: Grouchy, snotty, rude and impatient people. Oh and people growing at impossible rates out of their existing bodies into adult bodies, with adult like urges and adult like behaviors...but not quite adult like yet. And everyone is SO controlling and mean and it doesn't matter and the whole world totally sucks and it'd be just a lot better if you weren't always telling me what to do. Ooops...got sidetracked there.

Anyway, it's not easy being green...I mean a teen and probably not one adult out out there would go back and do it again. I sure as hell wouldn't but what I do know...is that this boy I am raising is such a lovely spirit and he has much to give the world, someday he'll know that I DO understand alot of his fussing and cussing about life and how unfair it all seems...AND I know he can't help it cuz he's one large semi-gilatenous hormone ready to burst through into the big scary world and it IS alot of pressure. I know and I understand and I love you. But I still have to tell you take out the garbage and do your homework and scold you when you are nasty to me b/c if I don't...I'd be a really shitty Mom and trust me...that's the last thing I want to be and I have to start somewhere. Right? I know it doesn't seem like it now, but I do cherish and love you and I do want you to be happy. But that doesn't mean I have to let you treat me and others like crap. We ALL have to start somewhere.

Bless ya kid, it's gonna be alright...just breathe and give everyone a chance to catch up with you.

Wicked Busy At The Moment

Title says it all, I've got my hands full and my head spinning with tasks, details, deadlines and decisions to make. Weekend was restful and peaceful, mostly because Max had strep and I had no choice but to mellow at home and take care of him. I think he enjoyed all the attention and doting, it's good to have Mom be on call when you are sick. It makes it all better. I also got him some new head phones for his IPod on clearance for $14.99 yesterday. I'm such a good Poo Poo (Max's pet name for me, nice huh?)

No word on the car. It's a big stinky icky mess of paper work and red tape, but I have a loaner still and as long as I can get around I'm not freaking to much from moment to moment.

Got the "Yoga Sanctuary" area in motion this weekend thanks to Chance. Thanks Chance (sing song.) I'm really excited about having a place of my own in the house, except C is already trying to take over with "Just think, now we can watch Boston Legal when we are going to bed!" ARRRRRRGH! THAT IS NOT THE POINT! This is not about you or Max, this is for me! ROAR!

~ patience little one ~

So instead, I said "I don't know. I think I really like the idea of having a quiet place in the house to call my own. You have an entire office area in the basement, Max has his own room. I'd sure like to just have one little spot of the house that is my sacred Mango space."

"OK Mango"

Good job for me. I almost ripped his head off for a moment, but managed to maintain some level of composure. Though, the men are certainly much more direct about their need for 'space' why can't I be? That is a battle for another day. For now, I just want my yoga matt, my dvd's and some peace and quiet. I can't wait:)

I have taken to eating massive quantities of oranges, which is odd as I generally am not an orange or citrus fruit fan. I have learned that they are not exactly "desk friendly" food b/c they are squirty and sticky. but very very yummy. So I have handi wipes.

3 people from my work just back from vacations of some sort, cruises....Vegas, whatever. Sigh. Must be nice. I'm looking at a paper route again, $800 measly bucks to get up at 4 AM and deliver papers. It might be worth it though, I haven't decided. Surely its' not less of a commitment to do some contract work and I'd get paid A LOT more?!?!?! I dunno.

Follow up tests and ink test MRI on the 25th, just so you all know. Until then we don't know much else. The headache FINALLY subsided, longest migraine I've ever had. I'm glad it's over.

Oh....song of the day is John Mayer - Heavier Things

Gotta go. peace all.

love,
s

Ooy, Spoke To Soon....

My official mood today is "Emo Mango." I've been listening all day to my favorite Emo music (Radiohead, Massive Attack, Depressed...I mean Depeche Mode) just to help get it all out. The weather, is very Emo here today and our big snow storm is no more. I was looking forward to spending the day in bed....but to no avail. Car issue is not resolved, long...boring story I cannot tell again right now...but it's still at the shop, except now it's a zillion pieces on some guys floor. sucky:(

And the doc wonders why I have these migraines.

For the record....just to clarify...I really AM a happy person. I love life and I feel really good and positive about MOST of the time. But today, is not that time. It's just that day where everything feels complex and have to many things to think about and make decisions about....car, money, Max, work demands, getting Kasha neutered IMMEDIATELY, my ever expanding waist line, picking the right cat food for Pumpkin cuz everything is being recalled and I can't keep straight which foods are which.

Luckily, I don't feel overwhelmed by most of it....I'm just sort of resigned to the fact that this is how things are right now and am trying to plug through one thing at a time. In one hour, I will go home and snuggle up warm and cozy with Max and take a nap. Then, I will get up and have a salad and some cranberry juice and watch a movie.

I won't think about my poor car or how much money I don't have or the fact that I am behind on everything at the moment. It'll all get done. AND it WILL still be there tomorrow, so tonight...I rest. and breaaaaaaaathe.

Shew!

$500 to fix everything for the Baby Jetta! SHEW! That's still more than I can afford right now, we'll be eating ramen for a few weeks. But at least I'll have my Baby Jetta home, safe and sound with The Mango where she belongs. I've decided to treat her to a 60k mile service when I can afford it, which includes a full detail. OH YEAH...SHINY BABY JETTA!

Otherwise, I'll I can say is

TGIF

May The VW Gods Bless Us

Check engine light on. sigh.
Transmission acting up. bad.
Loss of power. very bad.
At the dealership. double very bad.

Driving a 2007 Jetta. that part is good, though it's not my Baby Jetta. that part is bad.

May The VW Gods Bless Us!

Please send your prayers for a speedy recovery and low bill.

Until then.....I'm off to run more errands and take Max out for ice cream.

Oh yes, let's also please pray for SNOW....LOTS OF IT!

A Girl In Need, Many Friends Indeed

In accordance with the changes I am attempting to make to care for my physical, mental and spiritual self...I am creating a yoga sanctuary in the most quiet, secluded and personal space I have in my home....my bedroom.

I am overjoyed with the idea that I might have a space of my own, where I can lock the door, burn my incense and move my body in a physical manner which is conducive to the goals I am striving toward.

Feng Shui would dictate that ones bedroom should be just for rest, nothing else, b/c it needs to be the one place in your home where your mind, spirit and body can escape what needs to be done, responsibilities, etc. However, it is the only space in my home that seems the most viable option so I think I must go with my gut and make it my own. The boys both have their own spaces, I am the only person in the house without something to call my own...though the entire house is mine to care for and be responsible for. So, I think it is the best option. If nothing else, because I can close the door and have peace and quiet. ahhhhhhhhhhh.

That said, I am planning to focus mostly on yoga and tai chi in this space. My plea to you all is to ask that if you have any instructional DVDs that you are not using or can part with, to please send them my way as all my yoga is on VHS and we don't have a working VHS player these days. But we do have an extra DVD player that I can hook up in there and I have other plans for making it my own.

One of them being to create a signal that indicates I am in my room alone for a purpose and I wish for it to remain that way until I am ready (unless there is a dire emergency, for which I will have to provide detailed instructions to the men about what a dire emergency is...like the house is burning down or someone has an open wound that requires ER attention, NOT if someone can't find something or wants to know if they can go to the skate park with Andrew.) A do not disturb card if you will. I'm thinking I'll hang my prayer beads on the door, I'm not sure yet.

Soooo, I know many of you ladies have been around the yoga block once or twice yourselves and I thought I'd make my request public with the idea that sending out my feelers may at the very least, bring back some much calming and soothing energy to me. It's been several years since I have done yoga, my hope is to get back up to a beginners level speed and perhaps then begin classes. Time will tell, but for now...I have a goal and that is my north star at the moment.

Birth Of The Mango

Once upon a time there was a beautiful young princess named Sarah, with corn silk hair, green eyes and gregarious laughter. She was a happy princess mostly, but she did want more. She searched the land high and low, but often found herself unsatisfied and rather irritated with her findings.

Then one day, she met a charming prince, with dark hair and lovely kind and compassionate eyes named Chance. He too was a happy prince mostly and he didn't really realize that he wanted more until he met the totally intoxicating princess Sarah. Then he had no choice but to submit and fall in love.

Time past and the bond grew deeper. Many a night was spent at the prince's cottage, dancing in the dark and drinking delicious concoctions designed to delight and appease. The princess and prince were quite happy and it was fun to be young and in love.

One fine afternoon, the princess contacted the prince via telephone to decide on their plans for the evening. The prince answered with an enthusiastic "Hello Mango" with a long drawl and touch of tease in his voice. It was at that moment that the princess became "The Mango" and everyone in the royal court would eventually follow suit in addressing the revered princess in such a manner.

Since that time, as the handsome and extremely intelligent prince came to know The Mango on a daily basis and became subject to her ever evolving emotional state, different definitions of the The Mango came to light.

When The Mango is being difficult, ornery or nasty, she becomes "The Prickly Cactus Apple Fruit" or just "Rotten Fruit" for short.

When The Mango is giggly, happy and joyous, she becomes "A Semi-Gelatinous Tree Fruit" or "Happy Mango Knee Fruit."

When The Mango is being bad and particularly devilish, she becomes "El Mango Del Diablo" or "The Devil Fruit" or "The Mango Devil" depending on the princes mood.

When The Mango is being adored by her prince, she becomes "The Most ______ Mango On The Tree" (Beautiful, Special, Lovely, etc....)

When the prince has had too much wine and is being silly, she becomes "The Free Truit"

Variations and additions of the before mentioned terms can change on a daily basis and generally do, but it can be safely said that The Mango is a fruit and she is happy to be a fruit and she loves her prince very much for giving her such a special name. She is a very special tree fruit indeed.

And THAT, is how The Mango came to be. The Mango Fruit and her prince lived happily ever after. ~ bling ~

The End.

Little Fishy Longing To Be Free

This little fishy has recently had a fishy epiphany.

I want freedom.

It's a pretty simple sentiment, there is nothing at all complex about the idea.

• I want freedom from my wallet and the countless number of hands out for money.
• I want freedom from my cell phone and it's constant barrage of ringing and demands.
• I want freedom from this physical body I no longer recognize or feel comfortable in.
• I want freedom from the whisperings of my various addictions, begging to be fed.
• I want freedom from this cube hell, artificial lighting and recycled air.
• I want freedom from serving a purpose no higher than making someone else independently wealthy.
• I want freedom from something deeply painful within me that works diligently to sabotage any sense of happiness I might be feeling.
• I want freedom from feeling I have failed my child, from those memories of his early years and all that I cannot take back.
• I want freedom from dysfunctional relationships and co-dependant behaviors.
• I want freedom to heal, to enjoy this life, to spend my time existing with purpose.
• I want freedom from a past that never seems far enough away.
• I want freedom from self-indulgent, self-destructive and self-absorbed narcissism.
• I want freedom to learn, try, be, give and do new things.
  

Accepting and embracing the idea that I have the power to make and effect the changes I wish to see, has been slow in coming. Outwardly, I am a grand and wise theoretical thinker, inwardly, in matters of self....I am not able to think past the parts where I am still small, weak, victimized. To insecure to take risks or admit that I've fallen. Those voices that love to scream at me, and tell me what a terrible person I am, how guilty I should be feeling about x, y or z...those voices are not my own. They were planted how ever many decades ago by something entirely outside of who I have become and I think it's time to let them go.

• I want freedom from the voices that are convinced I will fail.
• I want freedom from the ever doubtful rational that has ruled my life.
• I want freedom from the asshole that told me I'd never be worth anything.
• I want freedom from the mask that suffocates me.

Some times, I don't know where to start. I often think I've taken a good step in moving up the road to some sense of recovery of who I can be, and then I slam into a brick wall going about 90. Somewhere, I learned the "crash and burn" method as a way of coping. Perhaps it is that I strive in chaos, or at least...I have in the past. A past I no longer wish to revisit.

• I want freedom to be happy and smile a lot.
• I want freedom to not take myself so seriously.
• I want freedom to love with passion and not fear.

This little fishy is treading water at the moment....carefully pondering which direction to swim, it's not as scary as she might have thought. But actually doing it, that's where fish's start flopping.

good luck fishy. you can do it. and do not, ever, let the turkeys get you down.

gobble gobble.

Long Nights, Longer Days

I went to the hospital this morning. Noone panic please, I was the one that panicked and while others may think I am silly, I don't care. I had a moment of fear and decided to act on it. So be it.

My neck has been in severe pain for over a week, Monday night I began having blinding flashes of lights in my eyes that obscured my vision for several minutes a time. Last night, I hardly slept at all...I've been grinning and baring it for almost 3 days. This morning, woke up and the entire right side of my face was completely numb...and so was my right arm. I totally freaked. Went to the ER. These are all signs of a number of rather scary health situations, no way in hell I'm going to risk it out of ego.

So, I was poked, prodded and tested. CT scan showed no sign of rupture blood cells or any blood clots, that's a good start. Blood work came out great, other than pretty low on potasium and something else that they then allieviated with giant horse pills that got stuck in my throat but, I got them down.

MRI on Friday should show any pending lurking issues.

They wanted to do a spinal tap for fear of possible menengitis. I told them to stick it. No freaking way is someone poking my spine again (epidural during birth = very bad experience for Sarah) and no need to if they aren't 100% sure. I promised the doc if I suddenly began having high fever and flu symptoms in addition to this other crap, I'd come and they could poke me all they wanted. She seemed pleased about this and stopped harassing me. That's good, cuz I'd had it with her by that point.

The staff at this hospital are so kind and gentle, really...it's a field I have a great admiration for. How do they get up every day and watch people suffer and still do it with a smile and a warm heart? A life form from another plant might find these field workers to be quite cold, I'd contest it is exactly the opposite. Though, I've known my fair share of Nurse Ratchets in my life time, that is generally not the case. Bless these men and women, who work so hard to make others comfortable and safe. Bless you.

I was promptly kicked out of my room for 2 men who'd injected a bad does of heroin. Oh my goddess, not something I wish to witness again. Those poor men. It makes me carefully consider how lucky I am that I never got hooked on the stuff, everyone was doing it in San Francisco when I lived there, a guardian soul definately had it's sights on me during that time. Thank you for never getting me in the mindset that I'd like poke myself to get rid of the pain! yuck.

I am home, I'm really tired though and keep wondering if I over reacted. But I also keep telling myself that sometimes, a girl has to take care of herself. My genetic biology is made up of a plethera dynamic and rather odd possible health issues that I may face in life, I have to take my health seriously and cannot just dismiss a headache/neckache like this when I know full well it could've been.

By the way, doc thinks it is probably just a severe migraine which traveled down my spine and is prob causing the pain in my neck. They gave me some wicked pain relievers, so I feel NOTHING at the moment and am frankly pretty shocked I am coherant enough to type.

I am going to look into acupuncture and massage, it's time and my body has been screaming at me to care for it better as of late....if not me, who will?

Peace ya'll, go to bed tonight and give thanks for the millions upon millions of health care providers in the world that give so much to us, so thanklessly. Bless you nurse who poked that IV in me today and gave me hell about being dehydrated, bless you doc who wanted to poke my spine, but also still wanted to make sure I didn't burst some thing in my head. Bless you all!

Weekend Warrior

Friday:
Headed home from work a little early to walk Kasha before a busy evening ensued. Lovely day Friday, weather was gorgeous. Perfect Colorado day. Met up with K & S for dinner at Forest Room 5. Fab food, amazing atmosphere, but mostly it was nice to have time with my girls. We chatted each other up about current events, respective families and work situations and so on. I'm hoping to get this sort of thing on the calendar about once per month, b/c I am really feeling out of touch with the feminine aspect of life that I so revere.

Picked up C from motorcycle safety training and went home and promptly fell asleep. Probably the 2 vodka tonics and very little sleep from last week finally did me in.

Saturday:
Woke up uber early to take C to his motorcycle safety training. Snapped at him for rushing me, accusing me of not knowing where I am going and all around being a bit of a weeny boy. I AM a fully capable individual and I grow tired of his implying otherwise. That and I'm not a morning person, so silence or near silence is a great way to start my day. C generally has other ideas, he's pretty perky in the morning.

Came home and took the most glorious nap with Kasha on the couch. 3 HOURS! Can you believe it? The house was totally quiet and I was alone for the first time in I don't know how long. It was a no brainer, I sat down and was pretty much down for the count until my cell phone started buzzing. Max giving me the low down on the plans for the day, Chance calling to check in and so on. Time to get up I guess.

Made some lunch, cleaned house, gabbed on the phone with Kristen. Picked up C from motorcycle safety, took him home and met up with J & C and baby Evan for dinner. Max had been with them for a few days over spring break, so he was with them when we met up. I missed him, being away from him for more than a day or two seems like forever. I wonder what him being in Tennessee this summer will be like? Dinner at this place in Golden was so so, actually, it was kind of gross. I'm a bit of a guacamole Nazi and this guacamole was pretty nasty, more like some sort of green sauce then guacamole...which should be thick and chunky and flavorful, not goopy and totally unappealing. Food aside, company was good and it was nice to see J & C and Baby Evan. Seems like we mostly just see each other when we are exchanging children for whatever reason, we hardly ever just hang out any more. So that was nice.

Came home, Max took a shower and passed out. C passed out and I played some computer games for a while. C woke up and we played some spades. I like that game, I think I could get good at it. I whooped C's butt my first game, so that's always a bonus considering he kicks my butt in every other game we play. Went to bed EXTREMELY early for a Saturday night, that was very nice.

Sunday:
Woke up uber early to take C to his motorcycle safety training. Again. Snapped at him again for snotty comments regarding my error in the time in which Max needed to be to the soccer field. Max wasn't at all upset, but I did mess up and have him to the field to early. Oh well, I'm only one human being - certainly it's a forgivable offense? C wasn't too perky this morning, I think we were all very tired. I know I was.

Dropped grumpy-puss off at his training and took Max out to breakfast. Went to the soccer game, which they won (woop woop) and tried to working on Kasha's socialization skills at the game...only to discover that our little princess is in heat and is essentially in another dimension at the moment. She is pretty much out of control, poor thing...she doesn't know what's happening to her and she doesn't like it I don't think. I knew it was coming, female intuition or some thing I guess and now here it is and we have to deal with it. We can't spay her in the middle of a heat cycle, so now we are looking at 2 - 4 weeks of keeping her away from other dogs (especially male!) and being patient with her as her little hormones do their thing. Great! Just what we need....MORE HORMONES at our house.

After the game I came home and watched a squishy movie ("Woman On Top") on IFC and napped some more. That was nice:) I was on call Sunday afternoon, so I spent most of the day fussing on my laptop for work, driving C & Max various places and trying really hard not to bicker with the boys....they were both driving me nuts yesterday. Sometimes, the attitude, the constant demands and requests, the "me me me" approach AND the fact that I seem to have a giant dollar sign hovering over my head REALLLY begins to wear on me. It is at these moments, when I am worn down and feeling like no one is hearing me, that I generally loose it and then I become the mean, bad guy ogre which is ultimately convenient for them b/c then they can both sit there and tell me how mean, and awful and unfair I am.

I have considered locking them both in the closet, I'm not sure yet if that constitutes a child/spousal abuse or not...I'm researching that with my attorney.

All in all, it was a great weekend...I'm pretty tired, but did finally get a really good nights sleep last night. I'm going to need it!