Fake It Till You Make It

I'd be lying if I said I were feeling positive today, but two phrases come to mind.....

"Just keep swimming." (Dory, Finding Nemo)
"Fake it till you make it." (Who knows who was the first to birth this little beauty, but it's been used in many a support group for eons now...simple, yet effective)

I cannot help it that I am frustrated with C today. Sometimes I feel I am not allowed to have less than loving feelings toward him because, you know...he IS a great guy (which he would quickly remind you if you were to challenge him otherwise) and I do love him from the depths of my very being. However, lately he's been really dropping the ball in some area's and it is difficult for me to NOT point this out as I (unfortunately for him) am quick to call bullshit when I see it. And I'm not particularly tolerant of said bullshit. This is not to say that I am a perfect peach to be in a relationship with. The fact is that I am pretty neurotic. I have moments of absolute insecurity, child like vulnerability and stubborn obstinance. Oh and I'm terribly impatient, especially with him. Why? Well...because I can be I suppose. Unfair? Well sure, but life is a bitch some times you know. Get over it. We all tolerate a certain amount unsavory behaviors from one another, it is the way relationships work. You got my back, I've got yours in spite of our flaws. But this does not negate the fact that Mr. Man is so on my list at the moment and let me assure you, it is not due to some trivial argument or because I am prone to hormonal tirades. Nope, it really is that I am that pissed at him and I'm allowed to be. Surely, I will get a tongue lashing for publicly blasting him on my blogg...but you see, this is MY blogg and it is my medium for journaling and discussing current issues. I don't have to apologize, nor do I need to explain myself to him or anyone else. I am not making things up here, I am not exaggerating....I can't help the way I feel, and I can't help that I have to get it out because I feel incredibly alone when I cannot put out to the Universe how I am feeling about someone or a situation. I don't need to go into details, but one thing I know for certain is that at some point the fact that you love someone no longer becomes the question, it's the behavior that becomes questionable and at what point do you stand up and say "Um, excuse me...but we have a problem here." ????

Funny thing is, I feel great about myself at the moment...in spite of a few minor slips, I've been eating fantastically for 2 full weeks and physically I feel great. Things are organized at home, the basement is finally in good shape. I've gotten a ton of work done (in spite of creepy stomach critters trying to make my life hell last week) and I sort of feel like I'm getting on track with Max. Therapy is helping a ton with him, he doesn't always like me...but I do think he's 'getting it' that alot of his frustrations have alot more to do with his father and less to do with me. It is sometimes hard to tell how much of what is going on with him is because of his Dad and how much of it is normal teenage boy stuff, but either way...we've been talking alot about respect as of late and he's not sliding by with me on too much lately.

Aha moment: There's been some serious whip cracking going on my house lately, some area's in which I've brought to the surface the realities of some of our situations and trust me, I am bearing the brunt of all this reality. She who brings it, deals with it I suppose. That would explain the denial and blatant domineering arrogance that I find myself faced with as of late. From both of them.

What I am learning? That these two aren't always going to like me. I have to learn how to be ok with that. In fact I am often on the receiving end of a good portion of their ego trips and self-absorbed behaviors, which very frankly make me want to strangle them both. I do my best to be a nurturing mother and partner. But that doesn't mean I have to coddle or cater to these men or anyone else. And I will not. I cannot help it that I have a bullshit shield a mile thick. I can't help that I'll call someone out on it if need be. I can't help that I am not subserviant and I don't always just deal with it for the sake of making everyone elses life easier. And I also can't help if they dislike me for it or want to act out toward me for it, so be it. Even the kindness Momma Bears have to bust their cubs upside the head once and a while, figuratively speaking of course. Thwwwaaaaaap KNOCK IT OFF!

I guess I just wish it didn't always have to be me. Some times, it just wears me out. This Momma Bear would much rather be tip toeing gracefully through the woods (with newly manicured paws thank you) and writing down thoughtful things than thumping thick heads.

sigh.