Extremely unmotivated and unfocused at work today, I feel excited about something but I'm not sure what it is exactly. It could be anxiousness too, sometimes those two things mix and mingle within me.
It might be my Birthday. I can't help it, I like my Birthday. I like Birthdays in general. I like to celebrate another year of blessed life, certainly just breathing another 365 days is worthy of spending one (or 3) days celebrating? (Note to self: Goal for 2007 - enjoy breathing EVERY day)
31 this year. Does this mean that I'm kind of big girl now? From the outside, it probably does. I've got a good start on the middle aged gut and I seem to have to use ALOT more moisturizer these days on the eye crinkles. But that's not what I meant. I mean any Joe of the street would look at my life and say, "Damn, you've done pretty well for yourself" at least from an external glance. I've got the kid, the man, the job, the house, I've definitely got the atypical life of someone you might consider a 'adult.' Additionally, there are some marked shifts in my mental, emotional and spiritual perspectives that I am learning can only come from experience. Whether it takes 20, 30, 50 years to figure it all out is another matter all together, depending on the life form. This particular life form has made some progress, a step or two back, but generally moving forward. Making progress. Doing big girl things and pretty happy about it all over all.
It's a little sad though that I am haunted by a much smaller girl. I don't find myself longing to be a child again in any way, but I've recently been revisiting some of the area's in which I act out and where that stems from. Not surprisingly to probably everyone in the room, except me for some unknown reason (probably denial) I've come to what I believe to be the fundamental root of this sort of irritating thorny bush that lashes out from time to time. It's really simple and painfully obvious, are you ready?
I was dealt a rather full of hand of responsibility at a pretty young age. And I think that I have this desire to have NO responsibility once in a while, because I'm not sure I remember a time in life where I was not responsible for something pretty major. Plus I don't always know how to cope. Cope with what was and what is. I've just dealt with it. I just 'deal.' I've always just handled it. Because this is the way that it is, crying about it doesn't change it right? Well sure, this is just the way it is. Deal with it! But guess what? Denial doesn't stop it from worming out at the most inconvenient moments.
I know, your all probably thinking, "Well duh Sarah" because a lot of people can put two and two together and see that 16 year old + baby = handful for almost anyone. I've come to realize it goes much farther than all of that. I could never have taken care of Max on my own, away from home, with all sorts of mad dysfunction occurring around me if I wasn't already some how prepared for maximum responsibility with minimum skills. Obviously, there was some experience with this prior to Max coming into the picture. Lucky for him, you add a little common sense and probably some instinct too and he's faired out of it pretty well so far.
So now that I've uncovered this shocking layer of information about myself (har har) there is the cold hard fact that whatever this part of me is that acts out like a little child, a child that practically forces her environment to allow her to be spoiled and selfish and irresponsible, must be dealt with. Spoiling a child does nothing to help her grow, nurturing her on the other hand, is self explanatory.
In the spirit of being a big girl and doing big girl things, I guess it's time for me to deal with that little girl that's crying out in a big way for some attention? It all sounds new age doesn't it? Loving your inner child? Maybe so, but a transition that has occurred within me this past year has a lot to do with me getting real about reality and this is part of mine. It may sound like whining to alot of people, I guess I don't need to explain to them that I've been pretty tough for a pretty long time. It's ok for me to delve into surgery now instead of just slapping a band aid on it. Freeing myself of all that baggage is a good start.
See what I learned this year? I guess I am growing up to be a big girl, huh? See I'm so good. (everyon clap and cheer now)
Oh yeah, I also learned this past year that life is moving swiftly by whether I want it or not and having everything you want in the world doesn't mean jack shit unless you are happy with yourself. It's what you make of it?!
Man, simple truths go a long way eh?
peace all.
No comments:
Post a Comment