01/18/2007

It is obscenely cold in my office this morning, I'm sitting here munching grapes and pineapple and trying to get moving for the day. Got to the office at 6 am today. It's pitch black out, but quite on the roads and I enjoy the lull in traffic on my drive in. Not sleeping so great these days, stress, lack of exercise...I'm sure it's all related. I am eating incredibly good for me though and that feels fantastic, I'm sure that has something to do with my energy level which has been higher in these past few weeks than it has in the past few months. Thinking of doing some fasting, not sure if I am ready for that just yet. I get a very strange sort of energy when I don't eat, like my body and mind will race and then I'll just collapse but cannot sleep. It's not always very pleasant, but I do see the detoxifying purposes and that, more than anything is why I'd like to research it further.

I just noticed that the calendar says January 18th 2007. I'm not quite ready for it to be the middle of January already, I'm still stuck somewhere in November 2006. It's been a pretty bizarre few months with the Holidays, Snow and various levels of healthy issues (for friends and myself.) I'm ready to get back in the groove, to get normalized....I like consistency. Chance says I don't adapt well to change and this is a major pitfall between us, he's probably right on that. In the past, the changes in my life have been sudden, severe and usually totally out of my control. Change have often represented some sort of trauma. Moving to Colorado from Wisconsin, moving from Colorado to California, moving back to Colorado....travel of some sort when I was younger was always associated with some awful event. Court dates, my Uncle was sick at one point and it was thought he would pass, running away from home to escape, running back home to escape (see how that works?) etc...etc...I always enjoyed my trips to see my GramE and Grandpa John though, I looked forward to that travel. It was always fun. But otherwise, big changes = one very frightened and timid little Mango. I don't like that. It makes me far to vulnerable. Not to mention out of control. Two very uncomfortable places for me.

Sometimes I feel pretty screwed up. The entrails of my psychological problems seem endless. Maybe, my view of myself and this life are far too serious for any level of peace. Or maybe I just don't know how to live without drama. Chance would say its feeling sorry for myself, I guess that's possible though if I sat around feeling sorry for myself I certainly wouldn't be in the position I am in life, but I digress.

Someone very wise recently said to me "Sure, my life has been screwed up. Awful things have been done to me and I've made some mistakes along the way. But it doesn't give me an excuse to live like some crazy person. To live in a state of depression, or become an alcoholic or abuse my children. I have to live each day like I'm NOT really screwed up, like I am totally stable and that this life really IS good." Or something like that anyway...very powerful words. Fake it till you make it or something right? This wise person by the way, is a very no nonsense type of person. I respond to that quite well, I appreciate directness. I appreciate truthiness.

Brrr. A little heat would be nice, jeez people. I think my office is menopausal. Hot, cold, hot, cold. Sip warm Chai, makes all the difference. Tea and I are friends this winter, I drink massive quantities of tea in various forms. Chai, black, white, green, pear...what a marvelous invention....bless the ancient elders for figuring it out for us!

Max is in a particularly charming and divine mood lately. His eyes actually do this twinkly thing when he's in this mood, it's very interesting. His eyes are so blue and with that sparkly thing going on, they are quite captivating. It's so true isn't it, the eyes and what they can tell you about a person. I think there may be a girl involved. Max has recently discovered (or is in the process of doing so) that he is quite the handsome young man and that girls like him. He always complains about how most of his life being around primarily woman has been a nuisance. I suspect his mind will change on that on that as he matures. He has a unique level of understanding about the female nature, perhaps more than a lot of men. It will serve him well. That and his good looks probably won't hurt.

Chance is back in school and it's exciting to see him doing lab work. He's taking pictures now pretty actively, he's gotten some lovely shots these past few weeks. Some are really breathtaking. He is going snowshoeing with the infamous Andy this weekend, I know they'll have a great time and he'll get some great shots. All this snow does make for some gorgeous scenery in Colorado. Except all the nasty black and charcoal looking stuff on the side of the streets, that part is a little gross.

Off to work for me. This weeks seems to be dragging for an eternity, 4 weeks straight of 3 and 4 day weekends has taken it's toll on my schedule. Ah well, one 2 more days and then the weekend. We are going bowling with Max and the neighbor kid tomorrow night, they are excited. I'm sure there will be girls there too. I think I'll kick everyone's butt in bowling, I'm not going soft on them this time.

Laters gators, love you all.
S