ugh can't focus today

Either I have zero motivation to work (even tho I have loads to do) or I just can’t focus because I am to the point where I’m sitting here just staring at code, going “durrrhhhhhhhhhhh.” We are rewriting our core application starting November 1 and I have been tasked with helping to build requirements for the rewrite because I’m so familiar with the application. I will say writing requirements isn’t my favorite thing to do. It gives me brain damage trying to think of every possible detail because forgetting something would be criminal that’s for certain, we are talking about people’s phone books here and the gods might strike me down should I list a field type as VarChar instead of a Char. Pure tedium Hey, it pays the bills and this should keep me busy through next October at this rate. I surely won’t complain about having a job to come to every day, I just need to remember when to take breaks.

I’m a little cranky today. I’m feeling that need to retreat within and escape and that urge is something I am dissecting rather submitting to. This urge is strong at times and it can manifest itself in many many ways, some of them are extremely productive and those are what we put energy into. I no longer consider the self destructive behaviors as options. Since doing so, it’s amazing how you can get through the anxiety and cranky days without doing something you regret. It passes, it always does.

One area of particular focus on this subject is that I’ve lived in the drama for such a long period of time in my life (off and on) that when things are just kind of “oK’ and nothing is blowing up, I tend to get very anxious. in the past, I can see times when I’ve unintentionally, but still played a role in creating some kind of drama to deal with. So you see, now that I’m settling into this new life after the last series of drama and things are kind of working themselves out for me on a daily basis, new routines, etc….I find myself either waiting for something awful to happen (the current fear is getting laid off) or getting all antsy about wanting to go DO something about it, but I never know what and we all know that old habits die hard so I fight the urges to be self destructive and thus, do nothing, which feels a little unproductive and wasteful.

Tonight tho, after a few light chores, a bath is on the agenda. I also have some delicious spinach tortellini’s to make for dinner and I’m looking forward to that and snuggling my dog. Who cares if I don’t clean the house tonight or mow the lawn or do anything one might deem productive, it’ll still be there tomorrow. Sometimes, doing nothing is way better then doing something you later regret.

Everyone run, here come the hormones....

So, I’ve learned enough about my body to know when the hormones are coming and given my normal cycle, they should hit any day now. Last months were really really bad. Max’s first birthday away from home didn’t help. This time, I plan to take a whole lot better care of myself. But do be prepared for some whining, cuz you know it’s coming :D

The most rockin’ part is that I can be a hormonal bitch if I want to, I don’t have anyone at home that I need to man up for. HA! Take that.

Gaia tortured a poor gardener snake to death this weekend and looked puzzled when it stopped “playing” with her. She pawed and stared for longer then I imagine I could even stand to see if that thing was going to come back to life and play with me and then promptly dropped the whole situation and moved on to the grasshoppers bouncing all over my backyard. After ensuring Gaia was indeed done with the snake, Bailey went and gobbled it up when she thought no one was looking. Apparently, this snake is the gift that keeps on giving because I then felt a warm, squishy sensation under my toes as I went into my room to prepare for bed. Mmmm, regurgitated snake bits. I’m so lucky my doggy loves me enough to share everything with me, even the dead stuff.

This weekend is Dane’s birthday and there are plans for the corn maze and possibly a movie. I’m looking forward to it, I’ve really missed them.

Micheal Moore was Bill Mahr last weekend, that was good stuff. I can’t wait to see his new movie, probably do that on Friday night.

Matty’s last treatment is this week, I really hope it goes well for him. It’s been a hard year, I hope this can mark a new beginning in his recovery.

Speaking of recovery, I learned this weekend that my meds interact pretty strongly with alcohol and spent Saturday paying for what would normally be a slight blip in my radar. Apparently, I can have approximately ¼ of what I’m used to or suffer the consequences and those consequences are a definite deterrent. Ugh!

I wish Iran would stop playing the “look what we can do” card with us and attend the Geneva convention with a very convincing argument about why we shouldn’t react so strongly because they are freaking me out. I know I don’t really need to sit here and list the number of reasons why the word “nuclear” freaks me out, but I am anxious about this thing turning ugly. We all know Iran was on Bush’s radar at some point, I know Obama doesn’t share that radar screen (thank the gods) but it doesn’t mean Iran isn’t feeling anxious anyway, I mean cripes….look what we are doing to their neighbors? Wouldn’t you feel a little defensive? I think I might, so I don’t know that I can blame them for wanting to have access to the same measures that we have to protect themselves. Sadly, this of course means there’s just one more group of people out there running around with missles pointed at each other and I just can’t wrap my head around that. They should fill those missiles up with maple syrup, non-lethal but very very messy and annoying. In fact, I think being annoyed is a fate worse then death, so maybe we can all start fighting wars without killing each other, just being really really annoying? Idiots.

PS: I finally found out that I really don’t like swiss cheese unless it’s on a Rueben. That is all.

Wish it was 4 OClock on a Friday

Wah. It’s not 4 pm yet. This has been the longest week on record. I am really ready for it to be over. Let’s see, on the agenda for this weekend: NOTHING! BUWAHAHAHA! It’s all mine, yes! Score one for the Tree Fruit. I might go see a movie tonight w/ D if I feel up to it. All I know is that there will be a lot of resting and not much working. Sigh….weekends….how I adore you.

Note to self, must take most medications with food. My little nervous system just isn’t designed to tolerate meds without something in mah belly, else I have a rougher time then expected. Still a little jittery and weird today, but a definate improvement from yesterday.

Am having some weird flashbacks and making connections about things I hadn’t previously thought of. Funny how when your mind begins to clear, that happens. I wouldn’t say my mind is the picture of clarity at the moment, far from it, but I surely do feel more able to focus and be on task which results in the kind of productivity that is both rewarding and has a purpose. Plus, my mind isn’t racing with insanity and I can actually think about things with a bit more objectivity. It’s good.

Well that’s it for now, I guess I should try to get some work done. Cripes. That’s what they pay me the big bucks for right? blahhh

ok, better....Happy Thursday.

I feel better this morning, mood wise. Physically, I still feel like butt. Sinus thing kinda kicking me in the head, but considering all the people I know with health problems I feel I really can’t complain about a sinus headache and creepy all over feeling that won’t quite go away. I also realize this could be due to all this emotional work I am doing right now, it’s been pointed out to me that emotional stuff can manifest itself into physical stuff (which I know, but forget sometimes) so I’m focusing on taking really good care of myself and getting to work every day. Last night I went home, made grilled cheese and soup for dinner, did crosswords and snuggled my dog. Was in bed by 9 and asleep by 9:30 or so.

I am having some wildly vivid dreams. Last night’s was about Chance. At first in my dream, I was kind and tolerant of him. Overly so, to which of course he was receptive and began taking advantage of very quickly. Then I completely went off on him, accusing him of ruining my life, which he responded to by deflecting it all unto me (typical, no accountability) and acting as if I’d said nothing at all. Then I beat the living hell out of him with my little fists. Rather violent for me, so this woke me up and I was breathing heavily and everything. Hmmmm, no unresolved issues there huh?

Max and I spoke for about 30 minutes yesterday. Babble about nothing really, but it’s the longest we’ve spoken since he moved. He was receptive and actually participated in the conversation. It was good enough that I didn’t hang up and cry after, so that’s something.

The weekend looks quiet, girls night maybe on Friday night if everyone is up to it. Based on how I feel at the moment, that seems unlikely but we’ll see. I wish it was next weekend, Micheal Moore’s new movie comes out and I can’t wait to see that. Love him or hate him, no one can deny that he makes these issues palatable for the average consumer, which helps to both inform and motivate. It’s a dirty job, but someone has to do it.

Well, I’m in a craptastic mood today. Bailey decided that she was going to be up, then down, then up again ALL night long. This went on from midnight until 4 AM. It’s just like having an infant. And I’m thinking of adding ANOTHER puppy to the mix in 6 months? I must be crazy. I would say this is one of the first times I’ve left the house feeling really agitated with her. I’ve tolerated her nipping, puppy gnawings, potty training and all the things that go along with having a puppy, but last night definitely did some wear and tear on my nerves on the Bailey front.

Then, the Excel Energy doods show up at my door at 7:15 AM while I’m still in my bathrobe, slippers and hair towel on my head wanting access to the back yard to trim the trees. They left a note yesterday saying they’d be by today and to leave the gate open, but I didn’t expect them at 7:15 AM. I am glad they are coming to trim the trees, but seriously people…can you give a girl until 8 AM to come barging in and upsetting the whole damn household? Meanwhile, Bailey is barking her fool head off because of all these strange men stomping through the back yard and I’m trying to get ready for work. Gaia is clawing at kitchen window SCREEN to be let in (probably the most annoying habit she’s picked up thus far), Pumpkin is meowing like she’s just going to DIE if I don’t feed her RIGHT NOW and I still don’t have any real clothes on.

No.

THEN, I get to work and check my home email and this woman who was supposed to come pick up the elliptical I am selling emails me and says she can’t make it after all, husband doesn’t want to bother with it…blah blah excuses. This is the 4th time in 2 weeks I’ve had someone flake on me after I’ve held the damn thing for them.

I’ve had a sinus headache for weeks now, I don’t feel quite right at the moment and the weather just makes me want to go back to my comfy warm bed and flip the bird to the world. I’m worried about Mary, I have to call Max today (anxiety provoking activity) and I really really wish it was Friday.

RAWR!!!!!!

I know, I’m real scary.

Well, Mother Nature is surely pushing us into saying goodbye to summer whether we like it or not. I like that about her, crafty old crone…she’s probably had just about enough of our crap for one millennium and is keeping us on our toes. A few benefits to cooler, wetter weather:

- You have an excellent excuse to snuggle the ones you love under a blanket with a good book, movie or your favorite episode of whatever tv show catches your fancy.
- Sweaters, hoodies, scarves and hiking boots.
- Leaves turn and begin to fall, which if you are lucky enough to live by Aspen tree’s is an even more exciting event.
- Grilled cheese and soup for dinner.
- Cool nights that translate into cool mornings with squeeashy puppies under the covers. Man I loves me that dog!

If it does actually snow tonight, I’m thinking I’ll probably need to get the camera out and throw Bailey out in it and start snapping photo’s because if I know that doggeh, it’ll be a photo worthy event.

My mood is improving, I still have really shitty days and that’s just the way it is. We’ll see what the wonders of modern medicine can do for me. So far, I have the WORST cotton mouth ever and I’m a little drowsy, well and I guess I just feel different. So far, in a good, positive way. I am definitely able to focus more at work which is nice (if you don’t count this blogg entry in the middle of my work day LOL) and I feel more able to think things through instead of just immediately reacting.

In news completely unrelated to little old self absorbed me: Crystal is here! TA DAAAAA! Yay. This makes me a very very happy tree fruit. I can’t believe that now, I can drive 30 minutes and there she is! Their new house is just lovely and Crystal is taking a lot of time to set up her nest so that it represents her, Dane and their marriage. Which is quite a lovely thing in and of itself. I’m still REALLY jealous about the chopper thingy, WANT!

P is talking about a visit, I hope that can happy for her. Ok, I want her to come for me more then anything…but I know how this stuff can go. I love my Spicy Wasabi P, especially when she has her Vulcan ears on cuz she’s at her spiciest then. Secretly, I’m hatching a plan to move P and her kiddo out here to so that I’d be surrounded by all my girls and then I’d be in femme fatale heaven!

Seriously, when I think of the women in my life it’s like something you’d see in a sit com or a modern day Charlie’s Angels. That would be scary, all of us as Charlie’s Angels? I’d pity the poor man that got in our way. I get to the cute blonde seductress who uses her seemingly innocent charm to lure them in and then poison them. BUWAAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. Take that beeetches.

Whoa…what would happen if I managed to get my cousins and Aunties and GramE & Grandpa John here too? Holy crap….NOW I’m thinking huge I know. Oh well, I never said I wasn’t totally selfish. I mean really, some days I wonder how the world even continues to function when I go to sleep at night.

Life kind of plugs along, I’m still getting through the days one at a time and that’s ok. I don’t make a lot of plans or commit to much more then I can do in the foreseeable future. I am enjoying doing things on my own terms and in my own space. My plans for classes and things are on hold for about another month or so and then I can start looking at what interests me. Right now I’m thinking of a Spanish class, a creative writing class (en espanol? No beuno!), an art class of some kind or belly dancing. Oh and puppy training classes with the Mogwai. She’s so smart, it’s a shame not to put all that brilliance to good use.

I speak with Max on Wednesdays and we talk often. I’ll let you know how tomorrow’s talk goes. Last weeks wasn’t so great, he’s being pretty jerky to me and sounds more like his father then I can stomach. But such is the reality of the situation. I still can’t help but feel this isn’t permanent, perhaps that’s my instinct talking to me or maybe I’m just in denial. Who knows.

Peace out for now
Xo

Princess Post

Once up a time, long long ago there was a pretty pretty princess with long blonde hair, lots of freckles and a castle full of energy. She was a happy princess, she loved the world and everyone in it; she was very bouncy and playful. She played with kittens and butterfly’s and flourished for a while. But as time passed, the freckles and energy faded, she encountered a few ogres, kissed a few frogs and her love for the world was challenged.

After the world would hand her another blow, the princess would cry huge drippy tears that distorted her face and reddened her eyes, but she was resilient and always bounced back eventually, usually only after filling up buckets and buckets with her tears. And, she was never ever afraid to let the tears fall, no matter who might see them.

Then one day, after a particularly painful abrasion, the princess found herself unable to cry openly or not at all. Oh the tears made themselves known, that wasn’t the problem. They stung and stabbed at her eyes. They lumped her throat and caused her jaw to tighten. But no matter how they battered her, she was simply unable to allow them to actually fall from her eyes. She would fight them back with all her might, getting angry at the tears for embarrassing her and making her feel vulnerable to whomever might bare witness to them. She would look away as the tears rose and fell in her throat, squeeze her eyes tightly, and remain silent until they passed. It was like she was helpless to will the tears to fall even if she wanted them to.

At first, this was a great puzzle to the princess. She’d never thought herself as emotionally capable of so many of her fellow princesses seemed to be. After all, some of those princesses had really been through the ringer and they didn’t blubber like a baby every time they got a little scratch. She knew she was a soft spirit, sensitive, overly so some might say. But here she was, almost over night, somehow suddenly a much less externally emotional being then she once was. Even if her lip was quivering half the time, a colossal shift had occurred and she felt robotic in nature. This made the sweet princess very anxious because she didn’t want to build up a wall that even she couldn’t climb. Plus, like her beloved hugs, peanut butter and wine; those tears had been her friends for so many years. They’d served her well in the past, cleansed her and allowed her to sleep all those restless nights when the wounds ached loudly.

The princess wondered if it was possible to cry a life time of tears in a few short years. Had she used them all up? Was there a quota and she’d already reached hers? Maybe the gods had frowned on all the self-indulgent water works and cursed her with dry eyes for an eternity? And then, they came. They came in great rivers and floods and waterfalls. They came on a day she would normally be celebrating, but instead she was mourning in great anguish. Her heart burned and begged for relief from all the pain she felt, all that she’d been stuffing down for months. She sobbed until her eyes seared and could not produce even one more tear. After, she slept. She woke up in agony, but at least the tears had finally come to her rescue when she needed them most.

From this, the princess learned that there will be ogres, there will be heart break, the tears will come whether she wants them to or not, there is no shame in this. Like all creatures, great and small, she is still learning and all learning must have a curve. We have to find a way to release the dark to make room for the light. It’s true that the princess is more cautious and tender then she might have once been, but that’s ok because she’s all the stronger from the learning curve. Life has a way of doing that to a girl.

Michael Franti: Hey World (Don't Give Up)

Solitary does not equal secluded…..

Naturally, transitional periods bring about new understandings, experiences and processes. This is an understatement really when you consider what these past several years have been like but today I am going to focus on how I am experiencing living on my own for the first time in my life.

Emotional/Physical/Social:

Pro’s

• The decrease in crisis point stress is notable.
• I no longer feel held captive by the moods, behaviors and choices of others.
• I am able to sleep again.
• Every day I am being reminded of how strong and capable I am.
• I feel motivated to pay close attention to my health and general well being for the first time in 5 or 6 years.
• I have more time and able to focus on my own needs, wants interests and desires.
• I have a kind of freedom I have never known, not ever…..I can do what I want, when I want, with whom I want.
• I am suddenly “Sarah the Adult w/ no kid @ home” at 33 years old and it’s pretty damn exciting.
• I am feeling incredibly supported and loved.
• I have more time and energy to focus on my existing relationships and consider building new ones.

Cons
• I am suddenly “Sarah the Adult w/ no kid @ home” at 33 years old and it’s pretty damn scary (at times.)
• The crisis point stress reduction was definitely the only option for everyone involved, but given the circumstances a new form of anxiety and depression has taken its place.
• This experience has dug up some dark demons from my past.
• It has also sparked some drama between Pam and I, which sucks after all we’ve overcome.
• I have no idea what to do with myself half the time.
• I feel like I am constantly fighting to stay on track, focused, in control.
• My entire life is totally disrupted; I sometimes feel I am still in shock and trying to acclimate to new routines and ways of thinking.
• Some days I feel like I am screwed up beyond repair.
• Some times I feel a little overwhelmed by a couple of people in my life, like they aren’t giving me enough space or respecting the situation enough and I’m not always sure how to communicate that without hurting anyone’s feelings.
• I am having a lot of anxiety about my weight, more then usual.

Environmental:

Pro’s
• The only dishes are my own. The dishwasher is run once per week instead of every other day.
• The only laundry to be done is my own. There is also far less laundry because there is less need for towels, bed linens, etc…
• The garbage can is emptied twice per week versus every day or every other day.
• Everything (bathroom, kitchen, floors, and general surfaces) stays cleaner unless I have people over.
• Noise is kept to a minimum unless I am bumping the music or the animals are talking excessively.
• I don’t have to worry about whether I have clothes on (one of my personal favorites!)
• I love all the physical space, spreading out has its advantages.
• The house is my own, it’s starting to feel like my own little sacred space and I enjoy nurturing that. I am not contending with greasy bike parts, video game chords, baseball caps and other man crap all over the place. If I want to make it a little princess fairy land then I can.
• The animals are considerably calmer in general and I don’t feel I am fighting with someone else to be consistent in training Bailey or working with the cats. Also, Gaia is noticeably less aggressive.

Cons
• Right now, the door to Max’s room stays shut at all times. I’m still not ready to deal with it.
• I like having someone there when I go into the storage areas, there are huge bugs/spiders in there and I am not as trusting after the Brown Recluse incident.
• This hasn’t happened yet, but I know there are going to be days where I feel really lonely and the house is a little too quiet.
• I like the yard work actually, but I wouldn’t mind having someone to help out with that once in a while.
• I occasionally feel like a jerk for living in a 3 bedroom house with just one person. I know people with 5 kids who live in less space then I do. Not to mention the extra few hundred I am paying rent each month versus something smaller.

Economical:

Pro’s
• I am no longer responsible for food, clothing, school supplies/fee’s, sports equipment/fee’s, bike parts, health insurance, allowance, personal items, etc…for another person. The amount I am saving on food alone is ridiculous.
• I spend about 1/4th what I used to on things like toilet paper, paper towels, soap, shampoo/conditioner, dish-soap, dishwasher soap, laundry detergent, fabric softener (Max used to use 5 of them EVERY time he dried his clothes), etc.
• Now, if I can just get 100% caught up from all that car drama this summer we’ll be in better shape.

Cons
• I am no longer head of household and do not have a dependant. That’s going to affect my net worth each month, but I am thinking with everything else it’s going to work out in the wash.

This list does not feel conclusive for me, but I feel I need to stop here. What is probably apparent here is that there’s a large part of me that is enjoying, no….embracing this new “life” and running with it, trying to explore and experience every aspect of it with open arms and chin up.

Then, there are the voices and the old baggage that pop up and like to really cause my feathers to ruffle. Not to mention the situation with Max burning in the back ground at all times. Therapy is helping tremendously, some days it’s a struggle just to get there. Other days I wonder how I got through life this far without her. Max’s birthday was really bad. I barely could get out of bed, sobbed most of the day, had to go home early and had a panic attack in the car. I had an appointment that afternoon with her and I can truthfully say that without that appointment, I may have not made it out of bed the next day.

I can tell you that I am undoubtedly experiencing a change unlike any other before. I have really positive, exciting days. I have really rough, down days. But I’m getting through it and I’m doing ok, mostly. And when I’m not, I call my family or my friends who are like family and cry about it or let people hold me and comfort me.

Bottom line here for anyone wondering….unplanned, unexpected empty nest isn’t for wimps!

Till next time….

Today, I am reminded of the progress I am making and it’s starting to FEEL like progress.

Today, I am reminded of the many skills I do possess, I just need a little help remember how to use them.

Today, I am reminded that I am intelligent, articulate, capable and a fine communicator.

Today, I am reminded that I must be firm in my boundaries with people once I can truly understand what they are, whether that means they no longer “like” me or not.

Today, I am reminded of all the reasons I am beginning to enjoy living alone. I could easily fill up an entire blog just on this subject.

Today, I am reminded that my connection with the divine has not been lost and that I am loved as much as any other day.

Today, I am reminded that I have not failed. I have experienced.

Today, I am reminded that I will have days where I feel like this and days where I will feel hopeless and sad. That’s ok.

Blogg

Clearly my blogg has been a casualty of these recent months of transition. It saddens me to admit that I really have had no interest in writing lately, nor have I had the energy to sit down and hash through all the details as of late, truly it’s just exhausting to think about. There is a definite shift in what I’d prefer to share, how and when to do that, etc…..plus, Facebook has kind of wormed it’s way into my life so my blogg ends up getting ignored while Facebook gets all the love these days. Poor blogg.

So, that said, I am at place of indecision about what to do with my blogg because it’s something I’ve invested a lot of energy and time into and I can’t really see me just scrapping it. No, that definitely cannot happen. It’s been a tool of both documentation and communication and a useful one at that. I like going back and reading through previous entries, I like the process of journaling where I’m at and what I am learning about, I like it all…it’s just that lately I’ve been depressed and haven’t felt like doing much of anything other then what is absolutely required of me. You know how that goes…this stretch has lasted several months, but I’m now seeing that I must continue to explore that which is positive, enlightening, uplifting and encouraging. Writing are all of those things and more. Now it’s a matter of trying to decide where to go with it next, which one could easily argue is what my whole life is about at the moment. There is always the possibility that I may go more private with it, which I think is a very plausible option…we’ll see. That or I may have to reconsider some of my own personal blogging policies thus far….

For now, I think I will just make some random notes and see where that takes us….

- I am feeling some irritation today. A little consumed by others, which is mostly my own fault for allowing it to go on in the first place. Those old boundary issues creeping up on me again, as usual.

- Looking forward to going home tonight and playing w/ my Bailey Boo Boo. She nommed my pillow again this morning and made me laugh. She’s definitely my saving grace most days. Getting another puppy/friend for her AND I is still a pretty big consideration for the spring of 2010. She is lonely I think, big time.

- It’s interesting how time can change people. For some people, it seems to cause really good, positive changes….I am not convinced I’m one of those people yet.

- yawn….more tomorrow. Or sometime soon….I am pretty non committal these days.