Ok, turns out I do have a second to blog after all. The one issue I had today was already completed quite some time ago by another process so we are waiting on the big stuff to come in this week, then it should be good times at work.

Now on to Max as I’m sure all will be curious and frankly, I need to vent because I’m not sure I’ve felt this full of frustration, anger, hurt and disappointment in a long long time. To boot, I am a little disappointed that I was reaching a happy place again only to have it all come down on me in a matter of moments.

Let me preface this with the following: Max has been “off” for about a week. At first I sort of chalked it up to teen angst. Any of you who have teenagers or were a teenager at some point in your life (har) can attest to the fact that humans at 16 years old are volatile at best. Really, there are times when being in the same room with him is like being in the same room with a Tasmanian devil in a hormonal frenzy., Last week, after weeks of relative harmony he became moody and defiant about stupid things, began isolating himself from me more and more, etc,…..In retrospect, I notice this behavior increases when he’s feeling that life is “unfair” and that my rules are overly harsh. For example, last week I asked him to do some yard work as he Wednesday off. This was apparently a huge injustice to his sensibilities and he made sure I’d pay for it with attitude for the remainder of the day. It didn’t get any better Thursday or Friday. In any event, things were going great until about last Monday and then something sparked this kid’s fire on Friday. Friday evening we had guests over and had a wonderful night of good food and good friends. They went home and Max promptly went to bed. I figured he was just tired, so I let it go.

Matt came over, we watched some movies; he went home I went to bed. I wake up Saturday morning and Max is stomping around the house with a mega attitude. Clearly something is on this kid’s mind. I ask him repeatedly if something is up and he just ignores me and finally I get tired of asking, I figure he’ll come to me when he’s ready. Meanwhile, he’s being awfully sneaky running in and out of the house and I’m thinking, ok…whatever.

He finally confronts me and a whole slew of very tense moments occur in which I find out he’s already got it all set up, that he’s going to live with his dad and he’s taking his stuff, etc…etc…etc… He almost started loosing it, cussing, calling me names, etc…but I calmed him down by gently reminding him that I am his mother, no matter what, I’m still his mother and he might want to reconsider what he’s saying to me before he says something he can’t take back. I almost slapped him; he was way over the top. He calmed down, I ponder his behavior (we’ve been through this before as you all know) and my first reaction is “You have to finish this school year.” My goal was to reason with him and get him to calm down and that did seem to help. I then find out he’s been talking w/ the dad’s side of the family about this all morning and he needs to go call them and update them. I am like raging pissed at this point. For the record, I feel they are totally coddling him and not really looking at the bigger picture which I can tell you are making for some difficult situations as a whole. In any event, Saturday was pretty awful and Max and I went rounds pretty good but I did manage to defuse the situation fairly well by letting him know he might be able to go to his dad’s for the summer, we’d have to talk about it.

Pins and needles all weekend as you can imagine. I will be honest, I am very hurt. He said some awful stuff to before I was able to check him. I also feel Max is trying to manipulate the situation to his advantage (and now that I know what I know, I know why.) I feel he doesn’t want to face his responsibilities here, I think he’s trying to run away from reality and go somewhere he thinks will offer him escape. Which it would temporarily. And I am absolutely furious/livid with Sean’s side of the family. They are absolutely adding to the situation without even considering how things might look from an adult’s perspective in the situation, they are pretty much going through Max without even talking to me about it. I’m EFFING PISSED at them. More then I care to even describe here.

Fast forward to Sunday night…..I started snooping. In my defense, I’ve always been very fair about Max’s privacy. I’ve given him a wide birth in this department because I believe kid’s need that to grow into themselves. However, given his recent behavior and what I perceive as a possible crisis here, I didn’t really care if Max likes it that I am going through his phone or his MySpace page. The old adage about curiosity and the cat is surely true in this scenario.

First I found messages dating back several weeks between Max and his father. His father promising him to help him get a license, telling Max he would buy him a car, etc….(please remember that I’ve told Max he needs to have at least a C average to have his drivers license and that he’d have to pay for his own gas/insurance some how) not to worry about money etc….totally undermining a lot of what I’ve laid down with Max about driving, which is obviously a very appealing thing for a 16 year old. In my eyes though, the kid hasn’t earned it. He’s doing much better in school and I am giving him props for that, but he’s still has unacceptable grades in 2 classes and I feel firmly about this, especially if I am going to put him on MY insurance. Kid needs to show some initiate and responsible behavior before I’ll consider that.

As you can imagine, I am LIVID with Sean and it’s taking everything I have to not call him and rip him a new one. Even as I type this, my mind is racing with how to approach this in the best way possible because this is a very delicate situation.

Second, I then find several pretty vial text messages between Max and a girl he’s been seeing. Mostly at his urging I’m sad to say. She seemed rather uncomfortable with some of this discussion. I’m not surprised that my son is “sexting” as it were; I know this is a pretty common thing amongst kids these days. I’m not surprised that he’s experimenting with sexual ideas and attitudes. I am not even upset about the idea of him acting on it to be honest, he’s almost 17 years old and I believe sexuality is healthy, not something to be feared or quilted over. What I AM upset about is that he was being disrespectful in these texts. Pushing her about things that I think are WAY over the top for 16 year olds to be discussing (this is stuff I didn’t even KNOW about until I was in my mid 20’s) and it kills me to say this, but I am really disappointed in him. I really never thought he’d be “that” guy. Even if he is just trying it on for size, I still don’t like it and I guess I don’t have to. And what kills me even more is that Max portrays himself as an utter angel to me, I know better, but again, I feel manipulated.

At the moment I have no idea what the next step is. On the one hand, part of me is like “Fine. Go.” I’ve kind of had it with this posturing Max is doing between Sean’s family and me. They are not helping the situation one bit IMO, in fact, it feels to me like Sean is taking this as his opportunity to play on Max’s issues with me to gain Max’s affections. Jerk. Part of me is like maybe this is the best thing for the summer? I do see value in it on some level. Sean can deal with summer school and all of its expenses, Sean can take him to the kidney appointments and find a way to keep Max occupied while he’s at work all day long. Whether or not Sean would follow up with any of these things of course is the other concern. And the reality is that Max may just go anyway, I might not be left with much choice. Besides, he’s not a little child any more, he does have some say in his life and I’m not going to go down as the ogre who wouldn’t let him get to know his dad. Which we all know isn’t the case, but its sure being painted that way.

On the other hand, I of course don’t want him to go for my own reasons but I know some of that I need to start working through. He’s growing up quick, it’s time for me to start building my own life, but he’s still got 2 solid years of high school left and he’s got a life in CO. I also don’t think anyone in this situation should be conceding to the whims of a hormonal-rebellious 16 year old without further discussion and communication. The bottom line here is that things are the way they are for a reason. I have full custody of this child because his father was an abusive jack ass and I had to protect Max and Sean has been almost totally absent from Max’s life up until the last 2 years or so. I am beginning to leave the past in the past with Sean and I 100% support a relationship between Sean’s family and Max (if they stop acting like back stabbing selfish teenagers themselves), but I’m sorry, he hasn’t earned my trust enough to just allow Max to go traipsing off to some po dunk Wyoming town with no opportunity, shitty schools and a lower unemployment rate then even Denver at the moment. Sean doesn’t even work consistently for cripes sake, HELLO! No one is thinking about this stuff, about Max’s future should he move to Wyoming. Everyone just wants what they want. I am very concerned that if Max doesn’t stay in CO for his school years that he won’t finish high school and even above my love for my only child, it’s my responsibility to try and help him have a good life and education in some form is critical. He has to find some way to support himself in the next 2 – 4 years and without at least a high school diploma, his chances are eating regularly are low. I won’t have it.

Plus, Sean and his family have NO right whatsoever to get involved on this level without even talking to me. They are communicating all through Max. It’s ridiculous and childish and unfair to both of us. Again, I am absolutely LIVID.

Now that I’ve vented some (and not for the first time in the last 2 days) I can say that I feel myself getting to a place of more impartialness then I was able to a few days ago. Max isn’t a child any more, in some ways yes, but not totally. He does deserve the opportunity to establish a relationship with Sean and I have no real problem with Max going to Sean’s for the summer IF everyone involved comes to an agreement on how this should go down AND there’s a lot less conniving behind my back. I will fight for Max to stay in CO for his school years and live with me because it’s what I think is best, but if they want to set something up where Max spends summers/holidays with Sean, I am open to that. Max won’t like it because he’s got it in his head that he’s going to live with Sean this summer, but tough shit. I may only have 16 years on the kid, but it’s enough to know that I still have to fight for what’s right with this kiddo.

I am still fuming over the texts/emails I found though. Seriously fuming. Max got an earful from me this morning. Maybe it’s about time this kid see’s that I’m not as stupid as he seems to think and that he can point his fingers at me all he wants, but that he’s responsible for his own life and behavior at the end of the day.