I haven’t really felt like blogging lately, there’s just too much to think about, to much to figure out…..anyone know that song? If not, here’s the link: http://www.lyricstime.com/todd-snider-statistician-s-blues-lyrics.html

The truth is that I’ve been in such a funk for the past week solid that I’m almost ashamed to put it out to the Universe in written form. I am experiencing a rush of depression not unlike those in years past and get it that this is my pattern, huge highs…tremendous lows. I get tired of it. I get tired of managing it. I don’t know why I can’t just be “normal” and have healthy ranges of emotions instead of the extremes to both ends. But that isn’t how I am built. There ARE things I can do to temper it and take care with myself (i.e…exercising regularly, avoiding over eating, self medicating) but when I get into this place those are the first things I do or don’t do and before you know I’m flailing again with no balance. Some day’s I fear I am going to spend my entire life fighting and as we all know, fighting anything over and over, for ever and ever is exhausting and can deteriorate one’s sense of hope. This morning I didn’t want to get out of bed….I seriously thought about calling in and sleeping all day. But that’s not what responsible employee’s slash mothers do. Nope, we soldier on and suck it up. Life isn’t for wimps you know!

The natural instinct I know is to ask “What happened?” And the answer is everything and nothing. My kid left town for a week, my cat had seizures all night Tuesday night, I am lonely/sad/mad/hurting/fat/hating my body right now, I had a drama at work with my supervisor that was totally unprofessional, my house isn’t put together yet, there’s too much to do, I’m wondering if I’ll ever be truly intimate with a man again because I oscillate between hating them and lusting after them, but surely not loving them…...blah blah blah. These are all things that I can manage just fine if I’m in the right state of mind. But when I am not, anything and everything become an excuse to go about and pity for myself and enter into the self-loathing phase which seems to be self-fulfilling, because the more I self-loathe, the more I do stupid things to cause me to…eat to much, drink too much, cry, whine…etc…etc…

And as I’m sitting here typing this and rereading it, I feel like a whiney baby even more because there are people in my life with “real” problems. Academic challenges, relationship issues, unemployment! And I’m crying because I’m feeling “down”? Come on! Suck it up sister!

But I don’t feel like sucking it up, I FEEL like being moody and blue and sleeping all day and those are all signs to me of the onset of a possible depression and I don’t want to go there again. There’s no reason for it, my life really is amazing and I know that logically, my little chemicals are trying to tell me otherwise..

I have a message into the therapist I am interested in working with to see if she can get me in this week. I really feel like I need help and I guess if nothing else, that’s further then I’ve gotten in years past with these phases….at least I can see myself starting to spiral and I’m doing something to stop it. I decided if I can spend $40 on dinner/drinks with Tammy Saturday night, then surely I can spend that on my therapy once a week until my insurance runs out. I had a lovely time with her, sans the guy who totally creeeeeeeeeped me out at Karaoke (ew, seriously, not cool), but it was only a temporary solution because yesterday I woke up with a mild hangover, no energy and $40 less in my bank account.

Oh and my theme song for these moments in my life? Haaa, it always makes me smile and say THAT’S RIGHT DAMMIT!