Mood? Elevating.....Confusion Level? Also Elevating.....

I’m going to the doc today to switch up the allergy meds (because my nose is either running off my face or creating a pressurized cabin inside my melon) and see if they can give me something for the apparently looming migraine. I went like how long? 6 months, a year or more? I’ve even had red wine a few times (a sure fire trigger) with no negative result. Something triggered it though; I’ve had a headache for about a week now. It seems to be building steam. Getting to that point where light and noise make me want to be somewhere very dark and quite. I realize that it could be psychosomatic….my body reacting to the annoying blue tint my world seems to have taken on in recent weeks. Surely the very LOCATION of the physical discomfort would suggest that, don’t you think? What a vicious cycle, the grumpy makes my physical body react; the physical reaction makes me grumpy.

But in spite of all of this, I do sense an elevation in mood…or stabilization at least. That’s always a plus. Partly it’s because after work I’ve been going home, making food for the man child and basically having “down time” for the remainder of the evening. I’ve also been eating anything and everything I want, which has an enjoyable affect because chocolate and peanut butter make me happy….annnnnnnnnnnnd I’ve been sleeping. A LOT of sleeping.

I also have a 3 day weekend which is always good for the soul. I’ve not worked on my house since last Saturday so I will spend some time tooling around this weekend getting that office in order and setting out the remainder of my nick knacks and hanging pic’s. All this puttering about should be good. I’m supposed to go to a social thing on Saturday but I’ve already bowed out of that. I just don’t feel like it, it’s nothing personal. Plus I know there will be copious amounts of wine and champagne, both of which aren’t good for my head right now. So I’m saying “no” and doing what I want this weekend, what a concept huh?

I’m reading some great books at the moment, one of which discusses spiritual law in depthly unlike any other book I’ve read. The theory that spiritual law is a tangible thing like the laws of physics or mathematics reminds to stop approaching my own spiritual being as a conceptual “IDEA” and begin caring for it like an infant that needs a lot of nurturing and attention. My car is a real thing. If I don’t put oil in it, it ceases up. If there is little fuel or crappy fuel it spits and sputters until it stalls. If the brakes aren’t maintained, it doesn’t know how to stop. In essence, if the Baby Jetta isn’t cared for, it will stop running efficiently or at some point, it’ll stop running all together. There are 1001 ways to analogize the tangibility of spiritual presence in association to physical presence, it’s quite clear. The Baby Jetta and I had a moment though this morning on the way to work, so that’s the one I’m using because I had a total BFI. It was like “Girl, you take better care of this car then you do yourself! You aren’t afraid to get out there and drive this car and have fun with it! You always put good gas in it and spend the money it takes to maintain it, right? You are careful when driving so as to avoid pot holes and speed bumps but this doesn’t stop you from driving, right? You are courteous of other drivers and their vehicles and it is usually reciprocated but if it’s not you don’t just stop driving the Baby Jetta all togther, right?” DING DING DING! HELLLLO!

The problem is that I get lazy. I don’t stay present in what is important or the positive as often as I’d like. I fall of the wagon and distract myself or let myself get distracted. Sometimes I don’t feel like it’s all my doing, sometimes it feels like my body is betraying me. But even that excuse is getting kind of lame because mind over matter is something I believe in when I’m not whining about blue tinted glasses. On the flip side, I’ve been accused of having rose colored glasses much too often about the world around me, but never about myself. Why can’t I just have…….what would it be? Purple colored glasses? Mauve? Whatever is balanced between blue and rose?

This internal dialogue is really good for getting me out of my funks and giving me the tools I need to embrace all the beauty in the world and try to add to it somehow. But what I can’t figure out is how I fall off the wagon SO easily? What was it THIS time? Pumpkin? The move? Max being gone? I hadn’t been reading much because of the move, is that why? I had bought a lot of beer when we moved and barely any got drank on moving day so I’ve been drinking it, could that be it? I’ve been eating like shit, are the lack of vegetables and fruit causing my normally vegetarian-esque style of eating to freak out? I’ve spent very little time with friends and family since the move and have been feeling a little isolated, maybe I’m just so needy that not having enough interpersonal interaction can cause my funk fungus to explode? Maybe it was the jack ass at karaoke that treated me shabbily and it’s gotten me thinking of why it is that men think they can treat me that way?

Dunno. I’m kinda stumped. Seems like it could be any of these or all of these, but again, there seems to be no rhyme or reason to when it’s going to be that one thing that sends me over the edge and the world becomes hopeless and stormy again. What I do know is that I’m tired of being a victim to it. Surely I’m the one in control here right? That scares me to say that, I am waiting to get struck by lightening any minute. Too many things have happened to me that weren’t in my control in the past that make me fearful of the “what could be’s” and “what if’s.” At times that it, other times (as mentioned in previous blog) I am totally fearless and I jump in with no life jacket. Apparently my sense of timing is a little off LOL.

Time doesn’t allow for further comment on these issues, but I’m sure there will be more to come. I’m just thankful for the reprieve from funk and am looking forward to a long, funk-free (other then the bassy/drum beat kind maybe!) weekend.

Xoxo’s
S