I had horrid zombie dreams last night. A friend mentioned SHE had zombie dreams Tuesday night so maybe the seed was planted there or I’ve just seen too many zombie movies and this whole Swine Flu thing is creeping into my head as a potential source for zombie attack. I actually rather enjoy zombie movies (my favs are: 28 Days Later & the Resident Evil series because Mila Jovovich kicks some series zombie ass) because they are of the few horror variety that actually scare me, so sadly I do it to myself. And last night in my dreams I wasn’t even afraid of the zombies all that much, even though they were horrendous and chasing me everywhere. I was more panicked about finding and protecting Max from zombie bites…..wait, maybe the zombies are Sean in my dreams? Cripes, I can’t analyze myself. That’s what therapy is for.
So yeah, that was my dream sequence last night and I’m not feeling 100% at the moment, so I slept like 9 hours and I dream really deeply when I sleep that much and they tend to be very vivid. This morning all I could think about was the Swine Flu pandemic freak out. If someone traveled to the future from 1949 were to watch the news in this country on any given day, they’d run screaming for the nearest bomb shelter and never come out. It’s really a sad state of affairs, it really seems impossible to get any information in this country without someone’s spin on it, which I guess is human nature AND there’s that whole “freedom of speech” thing we are so proud of. Why must it be taken so far tho? When this type of thing occurs then the media becomes positively titillated with delight on yet another subject which can be used to pollinate the masses with drama. I swear you can see those people salivating on the television screen and I don’t even watch network TV news, I can’t imagine how that must look. All I can do is give Alternet.org a big high five and try to avoid the mass hysteria being propagated about things like the Swine Flu and the Craigslist Killer.
Please don’t misunderstand my concern about these issues. Of course I care that people have died and there is no doubt there should be notification to the public about the potential dangers of the current world health situation, without question the public has the right to this information. However, there truly are just as many other terrifying virus critters like the common staph infection that is leaping from hospitals to the main stream and infecting children on soccer fields with MSSA or the obvious and that is that 10s of thousands of people die from the common flu virus in this country every year. And I have yet to see that on a news report even once, except for when a basketball star contracted the virus from the locker room and had to have surgery to save his life.
Obviously, the news organizations could spend say 5 minutes reporting on the major issues facing the human culture at any given moment and be on 24/7 and they would never, ever run out of topics of severity.
What I wonder is who deems it “news” or “breaking news”? Where does it trickle down from? And why, instead of creating panic or giving the impression that the end times are near, aren’t the news organizations held accountable for their reporting styles and methods? Wouldn’t it make more sense to AVOID freaking people out as the end result? We all know FoxNews is about the most biased crap on cable television, but isn’t it obvious that a lot of other places in which one might gather the news from is also biased? There must be some where that provides simply the facts and allows its viewers/readers to make their own decisions?
Sigh. I realize this is probably a loosing battle. I know all is not lost and I have hope always, but sometimes I get a little worn down from the constant barrage of information. I feel like I try to avoid it, but it just worms its way in because even if I don’t watch it, everyone is talking about it. And if people are afraid, then so be it. Talk about it, work out how you are feeling and then take the appropriate measures to protect yourselves. Avoid spreading viruses AND panic. I cannot believe that the public has to be reminded to wash their hands regularly and take standard precaution when in public area’s about human cross contamination, but maybe that’s all that early childhood education first aid and CPR course material resonating in my head. I feel tremendous empathy and sadness for those who are suffering at the moment because of this virus. I hope it can be contained and that no more casualties will occur as a result. Hopefully all this hand washing advice will have some kind of positive result, I guess what I would hope is that people don’t start to panic until there’s a good reason too. There are already scam artists out there trying to scam people out of vaccination money! What the hell is wrong with people?
I guess I am a little cranky at the moment because my throat is sore, I have a headache and the constant drone and jokes surrounding the Swine Flu are making me want to crawl back into bad, even if it does mean zombie dreams again.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Thank You's
I need to express my gratitude publically to all of you who have been so supportive of me on the Max situation. Thank you for listening to me cry, whine, fume and rage. Thank you for letting me feel what I need to feel and giving me the space to vent it all out. Thank you for offering up your inputs, it is always valuable. Please remember, I really don’t have anyone to bounce this parenting stuff off of and while part of me knows I’m going to try and manage the situation to the best of my ability and do what I think is right, the other part of me does need a little back up once in a while. I think it’s only natural, I’m not really sure any of us knows what we are doing when it comes to parenting. All we can do is look at ourselves and what history has taught us and takes those lessons and move forward.
I don’t know what the next steps are with Max just yet, but I am confident he and I will come through this ok on the other side of it all. In the meantime, my goal is to stay sane, focused and strong. No doubt that focus will be tested, I get distracted easily in life, but I always get through it. Max and I are family, Sean is his family too whether I like it or not and families trudge through the hard stuff, whether it’s uncomfortable, unfair or seems unachievable. It doesn’t have to be perfect or “my” way, but I believe a meeting of the minds is possible and I’ll keep trying until we find it or I am left with no choice.
Ha, I will have to formulate a mantra somehow encompassing all of this when Max is giving me the evil eye or I’m listening to Sean’s venomous, placating voice on the phone.
I don’t know what the next steps are with Max just yet, but I am confident he and I will come through this ok on the other side of it all. In the meantime, my goal is to stay sane, focused and strong. No doubt that focus will be tested, I get distracted easily in life, but I always get through it. Max and I are family, Sean is his family too whether I like it or not and families trudge through the hard stuff, whether it’s uncomfortable, unfair or seems unachievable. It doesn’t have to be perfect or “my” way, but I believe a meeting of the minds is possible and I’ll keep trying until we find it or I am left with no choice.
Ha, I will have to formulate a mantra somehow encompassing all of this when Max is giving me the evil eye or I’m listening to Sean’s venomous, placating voice on the phone.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Tuesday
Today is a little brighter then yesterday on some levels. Max and I had a fairly civil conversation last night resulted in lightening the situation a little. I feel pretty confident with the current course of action on the Max-front and even though I still couldn’t predict how this situation will pan out, what I do know is that everything will be ok in the long run. The current plan of action is this:
a) I have contacted a family therapist and I have an appointment scheduled with her for Thursday. I will meet with her alone and lay out the situation, baggage and all. Max and I will then meet with until he goes to Wyoming after school is out. I will continue to work with this family therapist while Max is in Wyoming and upon his return we will begin therapy together again.
b) I have yet to contact Sean or his parents. I am still too worked up about their role in the situation to feel confident that I can have a conversation with them yet that won’t result in something negative. I have to be strong, firm and able to let their comments slide past me. I’m not quite there yet. But when I DO speak with them, my plan is to inform them (again) that communicating through Max is unacceptable and puts him in the middle. I intend to let Sean know that I feel if he plans to be a part of Max’s life on this level, he needs to start acting like an adult an acknowledge that we are BOTH the parents and that it is entirely inappropriate for him to undermine me. I do not do it to him and he should return the favor. Things like Max’s driver’s license and school are things we both have to be involved in. I am sure he will try to pacify me and my words will not matter, but I have to be heard.
c) Max will go to Wyoming for the summer probably sometime in the 2nd week of June. He will return the first week of August to register for school.
d) Sean will be responsible for Max’s summer school, including all financial cost involved. I will save any child support from the 2 summer months in a savings account to be used for school registration fees, supplies and clothes.
e) Max will return to CO for the school year and spend Christmas/Spring Break with his dad.
This is what I’m putting on the table. I have already spoken with Max about this and he is not happy about it obviously, I think he thinks something might change between now and the end of the summer, but I also sense that he doesn’t want to give up his life in CO either. I think he isn’t always happy with my choices (which is fair), thinks I’m too harsh on him about school and is trying to run away from his responsibilities. In essence, I think the kid is really fighting growing up and the grass looks pretty green on the other side of the fence. I am not sure how it’s going to go down but I do think it’s a good start. I know some of the people in my life don’t agree with me or think I am trying to control the situation and that I should just let him go live with his Dad and let that be that. I’m not saying that won’t happen, I am not saying I might not get to the point with him where I’m “done” but to me I still have to try and make the best effort I can to do what I think is right for Max because the fact is that I have been raising him his entire life and maybe I’m not a perfect mother, but I’ve stuck through it for him no matter what. Until there is no other choice, I feel like I at least have to try.
Now, if I could just restrain myself from reacting to his crummy attitude on the day to day we might get through this without further insult to injury. That’s sort of the hard part, how do we live together during this period of transition? No matter the outcomes, this IS a time of transition and that fact cannot be denied so I have to learn how to manage the situation for the next 6 weeks or so without driving either one of us batty. My natural tendency is to want to fix everything right away, but experience has finally taught me that this isn’t always the way.
I also spoke with Max more in detail regarding the sex text messages stuff. I didn’t berate the guy for being 16 and sexual, it’s pretty normal. I just took the time to talk with him about respect for women and to remind him that all young ladies have a daddy or a brother or an uncle or SOMEONE who will educate him on how to talk to their daughter/sister/niece/friend etc….should something like this ever come to their attention and I don’t know ANYONE that wants stare down a very pissed off daddy. I also explained to him the definition of harassment and to pay close attention to the many recent stories on the news about “sexting” and legal charges being brought about because of the more over the top stuff. I was really trying not to shame him. I think he felt a certain amount of that on his own. I also took it as an opportunity to have another safe sex discussion, for which he essentially ignored me but I reminded him that he’s got what he needs to protect himself and his future, don’t forget that.
So who knows what the coming weeks will bring. I’ve fully prepared myself for a lot of tension, attitude, conflict with Sean’s family and the fact that Max might not be home when I get off work one of these days. I know I can’t play the patsy with this kid either. I have a career, one that is beginning to really bloom and it’s pretty essential that my personal life no longer impact my day to day job. I also can’t spend my daily allotted emotional energy pining away over the whole situation. I think what I have to do here is focus on not being married to one specific outcome and be prepared for anything. That should be pretty simple with my one and only child right? Ha.
a) I have contacted a family therapist and I have an appointment scheduled with her for Thursday. I will meet with her alone and lay out the situation, baggage and all. Max and I will then meet with until he goes to Wyoming after school is out. I will continue to work with this family therapist while Max is in Wyoming and upon his return we will begin therapy together again.
b) I have yet to contact Sean or his parents. I am still too worked up about their role in the situation to feel confident that I can have a conversation with them yet that won’t result in something negative. I have to be strong, firm and able to let their comments slide past me. I’m not quite there yet. But when I DO speak with them, my plan is to inform them (again) that communicating through Max is unacceptable and puts him in the middle. I intend to let Sean know that I feel if he plans to be a part of Max’s life on this level, he needs to start acting like an adult an acknowledge that we are BOTH the parents and that it is entirely inappropriate for him to undermine me. I do not do it to him and he should return the favor. Things like Max’s driver’s license and school are things we both have to be involved in. I am sure he will try to pacify me and my words will not matter, but I have to be heard.
c) Max will go to Wyoming for the summer probably sometime in the 2nd week of June. He will return the first week of August to register for school.
d) Sean will be responsible for Max’s summer school, including all financial cost involved. I will save any child support from the 2 summer months in a savings account to be used for school registration fees, supplies and clothes.
e) Max will return to CO for the school year and spend Christmas/Spring Break with his dad.
This is what I’m putting on the table. I have already spoken with Max about this and he is not happy about it obviously, I think he thinks something might change between now and the end of the summer, but I also sense that he doesn’t want to give up his life in CO either. I think he isn’t always happy with my choices (which is fair), thinks I’m too harsh on him about school and is trying to run away from his responsibilities. In essence, I think the kid is really fighting growing up and the grass looks pretty green on the other side of the fence. I am not sure how it’s going to go down but I do think it’s a good start. I know some of the people in my life don’t agree with me or think I am trying to control the situation and that I should just let him go live with his Dad and let that be that. I’m not saying that won’t happen, I am not saying I might not get to the point with him where I’m “done” but to me I still have to try and make the best effort I can to do what I think is right for Max because the fact is that I have been raising him his entire life and maybe I’m not a perfect mother, but I’ve stuck through it for him no matter what. Until there is no other choice, I feel like I at least have to try.
Now, if I could just restrain myself from reacting to his crummy attitude on the day to day we might get through this without further insult to injury. That’s sort of the hard part, how do we live together during this period of transition? No matter the outcomes, this IS a time of transition and that fact cannot be denied so I have to learn how to manage the situation for the next 6 weeks or so without driving either one of us batty. My natural tendency is to want to fix everything right away, but experience has finally taught me that this isn’t always the way.
I also spoke with Max more in detail regarding the sex text messages stuff. I didn’t berate the guy for being 16 and sexual, it’s pretty normal. I just took the time to talk with him about respect for women and to remind him that all young ladies have a daddy or a brother or an uncle or SOMEONE who will educate him on how to talk to their daughter/sister/niece/friend etc….should something like this ever come to their attention and I don’t know ANYONE that wants stare down a very pissed off daddy. I also explained to him the definition of harassment and to pay close attention to the many recent stories on the news about “sexting” and legal charges being brought about because of the more over the top stuff. I was really trying not to shame him. I think he felt a certain amount of that on his own. I also took it as an opportunity to have another safe sex discussion, for which he essentially ignored me but I reminded him that he’s got what he needs to protect himself and his future, don’t forget that.
So who knows what the coming weeks will bring. I’ve fully prepared myself for a lot of tension, attitude, conflict with Sean’s family and the fact that Max might not be home when I get off work one of these days. I know I can’t play the patsy with this kid either. I have a career, one that is beginning to really bloom and it’s pretty essential that my personal life no longer impact my day to day job. I also can’t spend my daily allotted emotional energy pining away over the whole situation. I think what I have to do here is focus on not being married to one specific outcome and be prepared for anything. That should be pretty simple with my one and only child right? Ha.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Is breathing a little more evenly, sometimes we all need the space to "freak out" about something so that we can come to terms with the situation in our own time and mind space. Luckily for me, I am surrounded by so many different types of people that I get input from ALL spectrums of the rainbow. I *heart* the rainbow!
Ok, turns out I do have a second to blog after all. The one issue I had today was already completed quite some time ago by another process so we are waiting on the big stuff to come in this week, then it should be good times at work.
Now on to Max as I’m sure all will be curious and frankly, I need to vent because I’m not sure I’ve felt this full of frustration, anger, hurt and disappointment in a long long time. To boot, I am a little disappointed that I was reaching a happy place again only to have it all come down on me in a matter of moments.
Let me preface this with the following: Max has been “off” for about a week. At first I sort of chalked it up to teen angst. Any of you who have teenagers or were a teenager at some point in your life (har) can attest to the fact that humans at 16 years old are volatile at best. Really, there are times when being in the same room with him is like being in the same room with a Tasmanian devil in a hormonal frenzy., Last week, after weeks of relative harmony he became moody and defiant about stupid things, began isolating himself from me more and more, etc,…..In retrospect, I notice this behavior increases when he’s feeling that life is “unfair” and that my rules are overly harsh. For example, last week I asked him to do some yard work as he Wednesday off. This was apparently a huge injustice to his sensibilities and he made sure I’d pay for it with attitude for the remainder of the day. It didn’t get any better Thursday or Friday. In any event, things were going great until about last Monday and then something sparked this kid’s fire on Friday. Friday evening we had guests over and had a wonderful night of good food and good friends. They went home and Max promptly went to bed. I figured he was just tired, so I let it go.
Matt came over, we watched some movies; he went home I went to bed. I wake up Saturday morning and Max is stomping around the house with a mega attitude. Clearly something is on this kid’s mind. I ask him repeatedly if something is up and he just ignores me and finally I get tired of asking, I figure he’ll come to me when he’s ready. Meanwhile, he’s being awfully sneaky running in and out of the house and I’m thinking, ok…whatever.
He finally confronts me and a whole slew of very tense moments occur in which I find out he’s already got it all set up, that he’s going to live with his dad and he’s taking his stuff, etc…etc…etc… He almost started loosing it, cussing, calling me names, etc…but I calmed him down by gently reminding him that I am his mother, no matter what, I’m still his mother and he might want to reconsider what he’s saying to me before he says something he can’t take back. I almost slapped him; he was way over the top. He calmed down, I ponder his behavior (we’ve been through this before as you all know) and my first reaction is “You have to finish this school year.” My goal was to reason with him and get him to calm down and that did seem to help. I then find out he’s been talking w/ the dad’s side of the family about this all morning and he needs to go call them and update them. I am like raging pissed at this point. For the record, I feel they are totally coddling him and not really looking at the bigger picture which I can tell you are making for some difficult situations as a whole. In any event, Saturday was pretty awful and Max and I went rounds pretty good but I did manage to defuse the situation fairly well by letting him know he might be able to go to his dad’s for the summer, we’d have to talk about it.
Pins and needles all weekend as you can imagine. I will be honest, I am very hurt. He said some awful stuff to before I was able to check him. I also feel Max is trying to manipulate the situation to his advantage (and now that I know what I know, I know why.) I feel he doesn’t want to face his responsibilities here, I think he’s trying to run away from reality and go somewhere he thinks will offer him escape. Which it would temporarily. And I am absolutely furious/livid with Sean’s side of the family. They are absolutely adding to the situation without even considering how things might look from an adult’s perspective in the situation, they are pretty much going through Max without even talking to me about it. I’m EFFING PISSED at them. More then I care to even describe here.
Fast forward to Sunday night…..I started snooping. In my defense, I’ve always been very fair about Max’s privacy. I’ve given him a wide birth in this department because I believe kid’s need that to grow into themselves. However, given his recent behavior and what I perceive as a possible crisis here, I didn’t really care if Max likes it that I am going through his phone or his MySpace page. The old adage about curiosity and the cat is surely true in this scenario.
First I found messages dating back several weeks between Max and his father. His father promising him to help him get a license, telling Max he would buy him a car, etc….(please remember that I’ve told Max he needs to have at least a C average to have his drivers license and that he’d have to pay for his own gas/insurance some how) not to worry about money etc….totally undermining a lot of what I’ve laid down with Max about driving, which is obviously a very appealing thing for a 16 year old. In my eyes though, the kid hasn’t earned it. He’s doing much better in school and I am giving him props for that, but he’s still has unacceptable grades in 2 classes and I feel firmly about this, especially if I am going to put him on MY insurance. Kid needs to show some initiate and responsible behavior before I’ll consider that.
As you can imagine, I am LIVID with Sean and it’s taking everything I have to not call him and rip him a new one. Even as I type this, my mind is racing with how to approach this in the best way possible because this is a very delicate situation.
Second, I then find several pretty vial text messages between Max and a girl he’s been seeing. Mostly at his urging I’m sad to say. She seemed rather uncomfortable with some of this discussion. I’m not surprised that my son is “sexting” as it were; I know this is a pretty common thing amongst kids these days. I’m not surprised that he’s experimenting with sexual ideas and attitudes. I am not even upset about the idea of him acting on it to be honest, he’s almost 17 years old and I believe sexuality is healthy, not something to be feared or quilted over. What I AM upset about is that he was being disrespectful in these texts. Pushing her about things that I think are WAY over the top for 16 year olds to be discussing (this is stuff I didn’t even KNOW about until I was in my mid 20’s) and it kills me to say this, but I am really disappointed in him. I really never thought he’d be “that” guy. Even if he is just trying it on for size, I still don’t like it and I guess I don’t have to. And what kills me even more is that Max portrays himself as an utter angel to me, I know better, but again, I feel manipulated.
At the moment I have no idea what the next step is. On the one hand, part of me is like “Fine. Go.” I’ve kind of had it with this posturing Max is doing between Sean’s family and me. They are not helping the situation one bit IMO, in fact, it feels to me like Sean is taking this as his opportunity to play on Max’s issues with me to gain Max’s affections. Jerk. Part of me is like maybe this is the best thing for the summer? I do see value in it on some level. Sean can deal with summer school and all of its expenses, Sean can take him to the kidney appointments and find a way to keep Max occupied while he’s at work all day long. Whether or not Sean would follow up with any of these things of course is the other concern. And the reality is that Max may just go anyway, I might not be left with much choice. Besides, he’s not a little child any more, he does have some say in his life and I’m not going to go down as the ogre who wouldn’t let him get to know his dad. Which we all know isn’t the case, but its sure being painted that way.
On the other hand, I of course don’t want him to go for my own reasons but I know some of that I need to start working through. He’s growing up quick, it’s time for me to start building my own life, but he’s still got 2 solid years of high school left and he’s got a life in CO. I also don’t think anyone in this situation should be conceding to the whims of a hormonal-rebellious 16 year old without further discussion and communication. The bottom line here is that things are the way they are for a reason. I have full custody of this child because his father was an abusive jack ass and I had to protect Max and Sean has been almost totally absent from Max’s life up until the last 2 years or so. I am beginning to leave the past in the past with Sean and I 100% support a relationship between Sean’s family and Max (if they stop acting like back stabbing selfish teenagers themselves), but I’m sorry, he hasn’t earned my trust enough to just allow Max to go traipsing off to some po dunk Wyoming town with no opportunity, shitty schools and a lower unemployment rate then even Denver at the moment. Sean doesn’t even work consistently for cripes sake, HELLO! No one is thinking about this stuff, about Max’s future should he move to Wyoming. Everyone just wants what they want. I am very concerned that if Max doesn’t stay in CO for his school years that he won’t finish high school and even above my love for my only child, it’s my responsibility to try and help him have a good life and education in some form is critical. He has to find some way to support himself in the next 2 – 4 years and without at least a high school diploma, his chances are eating regularly are low. I won’t have it.
Plus, Sean and his family have NO right whatsoever to get involved on this level without even talking to me. They are communicating all through Max. It’s ridiculous and childish and unfair to both of us. Again, I am absolutely LIVID.
Now that I’ve vented some (and not for the first time in the last 2 days) I can say that I feel myself getting to a place of more impartialness then I was able to a few days ago. Max isn’t a child any more, in some ways yes, but not totally. He does deserve the opportunity to establish a relationship with Sean and I have no real problem with Max going to Sean’s for the summer IF everyone involved comes to an agreement on how this should go down AND there’s a lot less conniving behind my back. I will fight for Max to stay in CO for his school years and live with me because it’s what I think is best, but if they want to set something up where Max spends summers/holidays with Sean, I am open to that. Max won’t like it because he’s got it in his head that he’s going to live with Sean this summer, but tough shit. I may only have 16 years on the kid, but it’s enough to know that I still have to fight for what’s right with this kiddo.
I am still fuming over the texts/emails I found though. Seriously fuming. Max got an earful from me this morning. Maybe it’s about time this kid see’s that I’m not as stupid as he seems to think and that he can point his fingers at me all he wants, but that he’s responsible for his own life and behavior at the end of the day.
Now on to Max as I’m sure all will be curious and frankly, I need to vent because I’m not sure I’ve felt this full of frustration, anger, hurt and disappointment in a long long time. To boot, I am a little disappointed that I was reaching a happy place again only to have it all come down on me in a matter of moments.
Let me preface this with the following: Max has been “off” for about a week. At first I sort of chalked it up to teen angst. Any of you who have teenagers or were a teenager at some point in your life (har) can attest to the fact that humans at 16 years old are volatile at best. Really, there are times when being in the same room with him is like being in the same room with a Tasmanian devil in a hormonal frenzy., Last week, after weeks of relative harmony he became moody and defiant about stupid things, began isolating himself from me more and more, etc,…..In retrospect, I notice this behavior increases when he’s feeling that life is “unfair” and that my rules are overly harsh. For example, last week I asked him to do some yard work as he Wednesday off. This was apparently a huge injustice to his sensibilities and he made sure I’d pay for it with attitude for the remainder of the day. It didn’t get any better Thursday or Friday. In any event, things were going great until about last Monday and then something sparked this kid’s fire on Friday. Friday evening we had guests over and had a wonderful night of good food and good friends. They went home and Max promptly went to bed. I figured he was just tired, so I let it go.
Matt came over, we watched some movies; he went home I went to bed. I wake up Saturday morning and Max is stomping around the house with a mega attitude. Clearly something is on this kid’s mind. I ask him repeatedly if something is up and he just ignores me and finally I get tired of asking, I figure he’ll come to me when he’s ready. Meanwhile, he’s being awfully sneaky running in and out of the house and I’m thinking, ok…whatever.
He finally confronts me and a whole slew of very tense moments occur in which I find out he’s already got it all set up, that he’s going to live with his dad and he’s taking his stuff, etc…etc…etc… He almost started loosing it, cussing, calling me names, etc…but I calmed him down by gently reminding him that I am his mother, no matter what, I’m still his mother and he might want to reconsider what he’s saying to me before he says something he can’t take back. I almost slapped him; he was way over the top. He calmed down, I ponder his behavior (we’ve been through this before as you all know) and my first reaction is “You have to finish this school year.” My goal was to reason with him and get him to calm down and that did seem to help. I then find out he’s been talking w/ the dad’s side of the family about this all morning and he needs to go call them and update them. I am like raging pissed at this point. For the record, I feel they are totally coddling him and not really looking at the bigger picture which I can tell you are making for some difficult situations as a whole. In any event, Saturday was pretty awful and Max and I went rounds pretty good but I did manage to defuse the situation fairly well by letting him know he might be able to go to his dad’s for the summer, we’d have to talk about it.
Pins and needles all weekend as you can imagine. I will be honest, I am very hurt. He said some awful stuff to before I was able to check him. I also feel Max is trying to manipulate the situation to his advantage (and now that I know what I know, I know why.) I feel he doesn’t want to face his responsibilities here, I think he’s trying to run away from reality and go somewhere he thinks will offer him escape. Which it would temporarily. And I am absolutely furious/livid with Sean’s side of the family. They are absolutely adding to the situation without even considering how things might look from an adult’s perspective in the situation, they are pretty much going through Max without even talking to me about it. I’m EFFING PISSED at them. More then I care to even describe here.
Fast forward to Sunday night…..I started snooping. In my defense, I’ve always been very fair about Max’s privacy. I’ve given him a wide birth in this department because I believe kid’s need that to grow into themselves. However, given his recent behavior and what I perceive as a possible crisis here, I didn’t really care if Max likes it that I am going through his phone or his MySpace page. The old adage about curiosity and the cat is surely true in this scenario.
First I found messages dating back several weeks between Max and his father. His father promising him to help him get a license, telling Max he would buy him a car, etc….(please remember that I’ve told Max he needs to have at least a C average to have his drivers license and that he’d have to pay for his own gas/insurance some how) not to worry about money etc….totally undermining a lot of what I’ve laid down with Max about driving, which is obviously a very appealing thing for a 16 year old. In my eyes though, the kid hasn’t earned it. He’s doing much better in school and I am giving him props for that, but he’s still has unacceptable grades in 2 classes and I feel firmly about this, especially if I am going to put him on MY insurance. Kid needs to show some initiate and responsible behavior before I’ll consider that.
As you can imagine, I am LIVID with Sean and it’s taking everything I have to not call him and rip him a new one. Even as I type this, my mind is racing with how to approach this in the best way possible because this is a very delicate situation.
Second, I then find several pretty vial text messages between Max and a girl he’s been seeing. Mostly at his urging I’m sad to say. She seemed rather uncomfortable with some of this discussion. I’m not surprised that my son is “sexting” as it were; I know this is a pretty common thing amongst kids these days. I’m not surprised that he’s experimenting with sexual ideas and attitudes. I am not even upset about the idea of him acting on it to be honest, he’s almost 17 years old and I believe sexuality is healthy, not something to be feared or quilted over. What I AM upset about is that he was being disrespectful in these texts. Pushing her about things that I think are WAY over the top for 16 year olds to be discussing (this is stuff I didn’t even KNOW about until I was in my mid 20’s) and it kills me to say this, but I am really disappointed in him. I really never thought he’d be “that” guy. Even if he is just trying it on for size, I still don’t like it and I guess I don’t have to. And what kills me even more is that Max portrays himself as an utter angel to me, I know better, but again, I feel manipulated.
At the moment I have no idea what the next step is. On the one hand, part of me is like “Fine. Go.” I’ve kind of had it with this posturing Max is doing between Sean’s family and me. They are not helping the situation one bit IMO, in fact, it feels to me like Sean is taking this as his opportunity to play on Max’s issues with me to gain Max’s affections. Jerk. Part of me is like maybe this is the best thing for the summer? I do see value in it on some level. Sean can deal with summer school and all of its expenses, Sean can take him to the kidney appointments and find a way to keep Max occupied while he’s at work all day long. Whether or not Sean would follow up with any of these things of course is the other concern. And the reality is that Max may just go anyway, I might not be left with much choice. Besides, he’s not a little child any more, he does have some say in his life and I’m not going to go down as the ogre who wouldn’t let him get to know his dad. Which we all know isn’t the case, but its sure being painted that way.
On the other hand, I of course don’t want him to go for my own reasons but I know some of that I need to start working through. He’s growing up quick, it’s time for me to start building my own life, but he’s still got 2 solid years of high school left and he’s got a life in CO. I also don’t think anyone in this situation should be conceding to the whims of a hormonal-rebellious 16 year old without further discussion and communication. The bottom line here is that things are the way they are for a reason. I have full custody of this child because his father was an abusive jack ass and I had to protect Max and Sean has been almost totally absent from Max’s life up until the last 2 years or so. I am beginning to leave the past in the past with Sean and I 100% support a relationship between Sean’s family and Max (if they stop acting like back stabbing selfish teenagers themselves), but I’m sorry, he hasn’t earned my trust enough to just allow Max to go traipsing off to some po dunk Wyoming town with no opportunity, shitty schools and a lower unemployment rate then even Denver at the moment. Sean doesn’t even work consistently for cripes sake, HELLO! No one is thinking about this stuff, about Max’s future should he move to Wyoming. Everyone just wants what they want. I am very concerned that if Max doesn’t stay in CO for his school years that he won’t finish high school and even above my love for my only child, it’s my responsibility to try and help him have a good life and education in some form is critical. He has to find some way to support himself in the next 2 – 4 years and without at least a high school diploma, his chances are eating regularly are low. I won’t have it.
Plus, Sean and his family have NO right whatsoever to get involved on this level without even talking to me. They are communicating all through Max. It’s ridiculous and childish and unfair to both of us. Again, I am absolutely LIVID.
Now that I’ve vented some (and not for the first time in the last 2 days) I can say that I feel myself getting to a place of more impartialness then I was able to a few days ago. Max isn’t a child any more, in some ways yes, but not totally. He does deserve the opportunity to establish a relationship with Sean and I have no real problem with Max going to Sean’s for the summer IF everyone involved comes to an agreement on how this should go down AND there’s a lot less conniving behind my back. I will fight for Max to stay in CO for his school years and live with me because it’s what I think is best, but if they want to set something up where Max spends summers/holidays with Sean, I am open to that. Max won’t like it because he’s got it in his head that he’s going to live with Sean this summer, but tough shit. I may only have 16 years on the kid, but it’s enough to know that I still have to fight for what’s right with this kiddo.
I am still fuming over the texts/emails I found though. Seriously fuming. Max got an earful from me this morning. Maybe it’s about time this kid see’s that I’m not as stupid as he seems to think and that he can point his fingers at me all he wants, but that he’s responsible for his own life and behavior at the end of the day.
A little hectic....
I am not ignoring anyone, I know I have emails/voicemails/texts to respond to. Max is pulling the "I want to go live with my dad" thing again and I won't even tell you what this snooping mother found on his phone and on his MySpace page. I am pretty shocked, no one wants to see that kind of filth coming ouf of the mouthes of babes....but it is what it is. Anywa, no time to really update...I will when I can. Love you to all and please send your prayers and good juju my way as things with Max are tense (again) and I've sort of had it with what feels like some game playing an manipulation on Max's end to get what he wants and punish me at the same time. good times.
sigh.
love to you all
s
sigh.
love to you all
s
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
I Iz Purty Happity
Mom and I had a wonderful meal yesterday at Joe’s for her birthday. It was good to see her; I appreciate the growth in our relationship very much. It’s nice to have a momma again. Bummer news from yesterday though is that Jim’s dad has fallen ill and is in the hospital so they may be going to CA to visit him, which means we’d end up watching Abbey & Hannah and that’s totally cool with me. Abbey is like the coolest dog ever and Hannah is like the goofiest dog ever so between them both you get some silliness. Plus it’ll be a good dry run for when we are ready to get dogs.
Max has the day off today as the upper classmen are doing the ACT tests, so I put his butt to work on the yard while I am at work. He’s pretty put out at the idea that I would actually expect him to do yard work at all, let alone on his day off instead of out tooling around with his friends on their bikes. That’s ok, he can be put off. I am chalking it up to teen angst and letting him get over it….while he’s raking and gets the garbage from the back bagged and ready for disposal.
This weekend is looking busy in all kinds of fun ways, dinners, guitar browsing and yard work. All things I could get on board with. I’m anxious to get a guitar in my hands and start learning how to read sheet music, it seems like a skill I would need regardless. I’ve found someone I think might be good for giving me lessons through F and he only charges $25 for half an hour if I come to him, so maybe I think I can afford that once a week.
My hair also desperately need a trim but am still having a hard time finding someone I trust to actually touch my hair again. I’ve decided to grow it out, I like having long hair….makes me feel pretty and I’m on a mission to do things that make me feel pretty. I purchased some new bath items and make up that are very spring-ish and a few new peasant shirts as they always remind of spring. There is also the issue of shoes now with my leg, I can’t really wear heels or anything to chunky, so that does limit my selection a little. Famous Footwear has some adorable gladiator sandals I want and they are super sassy, so those are my spring shopping agenda as well. I wish I was closer to P or Crys because they are girly girls and then I would have someone to get mani/pedi’s with, go to Starbucks with and maybe browse the new spring collection at Kohl’s (which I like very much btw) and get their opinions on what looks good on me and what doesn’t. But alas, they are far away for the moment so I’ll do this stuff on my own. Which is a good thing, learning how to do things on your own with out the armor of a friend by your side at all times? So anyway, I am going to check out this new salon on 44th and see what they are all about, I have a coupon so we’ll see what they can do for me.
In other news, Dining Out For Life is coming up next week and though I am not volunteering this year my office is going to a burrito place in Thornton for the event. The timing was a little off for me this year. Luckily, Project Angel Heart will be participating at the People’s Fair and PrideFest in June and I am working with the volunteer coordinator to participate in those events. Max is giving me little hints that he’s interested in participating as well, so we’ll see if he actually signs up when the time comes. We are also trying to get folks involved with FurryScurry sponsored by the Denver Dumb Friends league, so we’ll see how that pans out. I have two people with doggeh’s who are interested in participating and I told them that I need a doggie of my own to walk that day, but have yet to find a fur baby I can borrow and there’s NO way I’m putting Gaia on a leash and parading her big butt all over Washington Park. She’d be absolutely mortified
So life feels pretty good and rewarding. I have days where I really miss my friends and family who are so far away and I’m still chubby and that’s bothering me and probably always will, but for the most part, I am not finding it to hard to feel gratitude at the moment and that is a blessed thing.
Happy Earth Day my friends!
Max has the day off today as the upper classmen are doing the ACT tests, so I put his butt to work on the yard while I am at work. He’s pretty put out at the idea that I would actually expect him to do yard work at all, let alone on his day off instead of out tooling around with his friends on their bikes. That’s ok, he can be put off. I am chalking it up to teen angst and letting him get over it….while he’s raking and gets the garbage from the back bagged and ready for disposal.
This weekend is looking busy in all kinds of fun ways, dinners, guitar browsing and yard work. All things I could get on board with. I’m anxious to get a guitar in my hands and start learning how to read sheet music, it seems like a skill I would need regardless. I’ve found someone I think might be good for giving me lessons through F and he only charges $25 for half an hour if I come to him, so maybe I think I can afford that once a week.
My hair also desperately need a trim but am still having a hard time finding someone I trust to actually touch my hair again. I’ve decided to grow it out, I like having long hair….makes me feel pretty and I’m on a mission to do things that make me feel pretty. I purchased some new bath items and make up that are very spring-ish and a few new peasant shirts as they always remind of spring. There is also the issue of shoes now with my leg, I can’t really wear heels or anything to chunky, so that does limit my selection a little. Famous Footwear has some adorable gladiator sandals I want and they are super sassy, so those are my spring shopping agenda as well. I wish I was closer to P or Crys because they are girly girls and then I would have someone to get mani/pedi’s with, go to Starbucks with and maybe browse the new spring collection at Kohl’s (which I like very much btw) and get their opinions on what looks good on me and what doesn’t. But alas, they are far away for the moment so I’ll do this stuff on my own. Which is a good thing, learning how to do things on your own with out the armor of a friend by your side at all times? So anyway, I am going to check out this new salon on 44th and see what they are all about, I have a coupon so we’ll see what they can do for me.
In other news, Dining Out For Life is coming up next week and though I am not volunteering this year my office is going to a burrito place in Thornton for the event. The timing was a little off for me this year. Luckily, Project Angel Heart will be participating at the People’s Fair and PrideFest in June and I am working with the volunteer coordinator to participate in those events. Max is giving me little hints that he’s interested in participating as well, so we’ll see if he actually signs up when the time comes. We are also trying to get folks involved with FurryScurry sponsored by the Denver Dumb Friends league, so we’ll see how that pans out. I have two people with doggeh’s who are interested in participating and I told them that I need a doggie of my own to walk that day, but have yet to find a fur baby I can borrow and there’s NO way I’m putting Gaia on a leash and parading her big butt all over Washington Park. She’d be absolutely mortified
So life feels pretty good and rewarding. I have days where I really miss my friends and family who are so far away and I’m still chubby and that’s bothering me and probably always will, but for the most part, I am not finding it to hard to feel gratitude at the moment and that is a blessed thing.
Happy Earth Day my friends!
Monday, April 20, 2009
Weekend was really enjoyable, busy, but enjoyable. Matty & Amanda braved the storm to come over for pizza and silly what not’s. I really like Amanda, she is a good egg and has herself way more together then I did at her age. Good for her. Matty looks pretty good all things considered, he’s a trooper and is about as positive as one could get about the whole situation. I love his new cane; as long as he doesn’t chase me with it we’ll be fine. Everyone cross their fingers for a swift recovery from radiation this week, I’ll keep you posted on that front.
Saturday I did some work-work and some house work. Sunday was more of the same, nothing terribly eventful but busy. But this week looks busier then last. I forget how quickly schedules begin to fill up when the weather starts to get warmer. Kim, Nick & Baby Quinn are over for dinner Friday night, Winter Park boy may be in town this week in which case I’m sure we’ll get together and I’m supposed to go with F to look at guitars as he’s the perfect guy to ask for guidance on such subjects. The month of May looks like more of the same and I could see me settling into a pattern this summer of good times with Max and friends AND good times with me. It’s good when we focus on ourselves; it gives us the energy to give of ourselves to others.
I’m also really looking forward to Crystal’s visit over Memorial Day. We go through spurts of being uber connected via phone/text/email and that lulls at times with busy schedules and not enough hours in the day between the two of us. However, even in those lulls I don’t ever really feel disconnected from her and I believe the fact that we’ve had at least one visit per year since she’s moved to Seattle has helped to maintain that bond. I know that her visits to CO are always filled with more people to see in a day then she has days, but she always makes lots of extra time for me and I am grateful to her for that. I know this visit will be extra special since she’s staying at my house and my main concern is that she is comfortable. Dane and I have been talking more also and that’s been really good. The married Dane and the Dane I know from CO are vastly changed beings and I am enjoying getting to know him again here and there. I’ve decided I will call him more often, he seems to respond to that and maybe he just needed a little nudge. I am blessed to have friendships with both of them as individuals and as a couple.
After Crystal’s visit I’m hoping to get to Albuquerque to see Paula. If 4th of July does pan out, Max and I will probably take that whole week off and go on our own mini vacation of CO before heading out to P’s for 4th of July weekend. If I can afford it, I think I’d like to hit Ouray and head over to Pagosa Springs and do some hiking and maybe horseback riding. Max will love it.
As for other travel plans, sadly I don’t see us getting out of CO this year. My savings account simply doesn’t have adequate funds to commit to it, nor will it by end of year. Not to mention my PTO from work. I’m down almost 5 full days from last year due to my injury and subsequent time on the couch. I also used some during the move, so I’ve got about 6 left which isn’t much for the rest of the year. A minor annoyance really, but it could’ve been so much worse. I am still unbelievably thank full at how that whole situation turned out. Anyway, July is probably our big vacation for the year and that’s it.
Mj will be out of school soon which always presents its own challenges. I’m anxious about him being busy during the day as summers are prime for trouble, I’m encouraging him to find a job and he’ll have summer school for English from last semester. If he doesn’t bomb in Math this semester, he’ll get to do summer school online. If not, it’ll be the real deal in an actual class every day. It’s a huge motivator for him, that’s for sure. The idea of sitting in a class room a few hours a day when he should be “off” I know is a bit of a kick in the rear for him. He’s working so hard, he really is….he just struggles on tests and 75% of his grade is test grade in this Math class. I never really know how to help him on the test taking itself. He clearly knows the material, his homework assignments are always A’s and B’s. I think he rushes through the tests (like just about anything school related because there ARE far more important things to do like ride BMX with Steven or talk to Tasha on the phone LOL) and doesn’t check his work when he’s done. We are working on slowwwwing it down for the dear boy and that does seem to help some. We’ll see, math still could be in his summer school future if he doesn’t pull it together in the next 4 weeks.
In other Max news his visit w/ his father doesn’t seem to have any negative lasting effects. In fact, it seems the opposite. We had a few days of snotty comments and abrasive remarks, but that was expected and momma bear didn’t growl too much. Otherwise, he’s been great. Very helpful, communicative, not quite so withdrawn and generally I’d say we’ve got a pretty happy teenager on our hands. I also suspect some of it is the house, he’s really happy there. We are happy there together. He’s changing so much, sometimes I get these glimpses of him as an adult and I just hope he and I will remain close on some level throughout his life so I get to be around to see him grow into the really special dood I think he’s going to be. I expect we will honestly, it’s hard to believe we’d go through so much together and NOT stay close after the initial “get out of my life Mom” phase. He’s talking about La Crosse next year at school, let’s hope he goes for it…Max is such an athlete; I do hope he gives it a shot.
The moisture from last week has made everything absolutely gorgeous already and now comes a favorite time of year of mine in Colorado. Spring here can be incredible, especially if we get a bunch of weather in April, which we have. So, I am eager to get the yard cleaned up and planted. That’s kind of on my agenda in my ‘spare’ time this week. One of my favorite things about this house is that I don’t feel like I am constantly scrubbing, wiping, shinning or otherwise hunched over things trying to make it sparkle. One small bathroom to clean, one kitchen, one level. The floor is super easy, a sweep it every few days and wash it with vinegar once a week or so. It’s super easy to keep clean and I love it, it leaves me with so much more free time for which anyone would be happy I’m sure.
Pumpkin is hanging in there, she’s sleeping a lot and it’s clear she’s kind of at the end, but I think she is comfortable. No seizures for 3 weeks now I want to say? She’s such a special animal, I will surely miss her when the time comes but I think we are both more comfortable with how things are going right now. I think we both know it’s going to be any time now, it might be days or weeks….but soon. I can feel it and I’ve not been able to say that before which is why the decision to euthanize her has been so hard.
Work is good. I had a mini meltdown this weekend about whether or not I can really swing this .Net stuff now that it’s in my lap. I got here today, it’s really tough stuff…I’m not going to pretend I’m NOT struggling with the learning curve. But I expected that and my employers and fellow developers are more patient then I am with myself. I require knowledge and experience on a subject to feel confident that I know what I am doing. That will take time. I’ll get there. Rome wasn’t built in a day or some such cliché.
Today is the 10th anniversary of Columbine. It’s still pretty difficult to digest; especially when you’ve heard the tapes and read the transcripts and now that the detail has all come to the surface. It’s pretty horrifying. For all of us, I’m sure those not living in Co can feel it as well. Those moments never fade from your memory, the shock of those experiences live through you pretty authentically for a life time I imagine. Every generation has them and they should be acknowledged so that those kids and teachers know they are loved and not forgotten. Every year my heart breaks for those families who lost their loved ones and that heart break makes me remember. Those kids deserve that at the very least.
Saturday I did some work-work and some house work. Sunday was more of the same, nothing terribly eventful but busy. But this week looks busier then last. I forget how quickly schedules begin to fill up when the weather starts to get warmer. Kim, Nick & Baby Quinn are over for dinner Friday night, Winter Park boy may be in town this week in which case I’m sure we’ll get together and I’m supposed to go with F to look at guitars as he’s the perfect guy to ask for guidance on such subjects. The month of May looks like more of the same and I could see me settling into a pattern this summer of good times with Max and friends AND good times with me. It’s good when we focus on ourselves; it gives us the energy to give of ourselves to others.
I’m also really looking forward to Crystal’s visit over Memorial Day. We go through spurts of being uber connected via phone/text/email and that lulls at times with busy schedules and not enough hours in the day between the two of us. However, even in those lulls I don’t ever really feel disconnected from her and I believe the fact that we’ve had at least one visit per year since she’s moved to Seattle has helped to maintain that bond. I know that her visits to CO are always filled with more people to see in a day then she has days, but she always makes lots of extra time for me and I am grateful to her for that. I know this visit will be extra special since she’s staying at my house and my main concern is that she is comfortable. Dane and I have been talking more also and that’s been really good. The married Dane and the Dane I know from CO are vastly changed beings and I am enjoying getting to know him again here and there. I’ve decided I will call him more often, he seems to respond to that and maybe he just needed a little nudge. I am blessed to have friendships with both of them as individuals and as a couple.
After Crystal’s visit I’m hoping to get to Albuquerque to see Paula. If 4th of July does pan out, Max and I will probably take that whole week off and go on our own mini vacation of CO before heading out to P’s for 4th of July weekend. If I can afford it, I think I’d like to hit Ouray and head over to Pagosa Springs and do some hiking and maybe horseback riding. Max will love it.
As for other travel plans, sadly I don’t see us getting out of CO this year. My savings account simply doesn’t have adequate funds to commit to it, nor will it by end of year. Not to mention my PTO from work. I’m down almost 5 full days from last year due to my injury and subsequent time on the couch. I also used some during the move, so I’ve got about 6 left which isn’t much for the rest of the year. A minor annoyance really, but it could’ve been so much worse. I am still unbelievably thank full at how that whole situation turned out. Anyway, July is probably our big vacation for the year and that’s it.
Mj will be out of school soon which always presents its own challenges. I’m anxious about him being busy during the day as summers are prime for trouble, I’m encouraging him to find a job and he’ll have summer school for English from last semester. If he doesn’t bomb in Math this semester, he’ll get to do summer school online. If not, it’ll be the real deal in an actual class every day. It’s a huge motivator for him, that’s for sure. The idea of sitting in a class room a few hours a day when he should be “off” I know is a bit of a kick in the rear for him. He’s working so hard, he really is….he just struggles on tests and 75% of his grade is test grade in this Math class. I never really know how to help him on the test taking itself. He clearly knows the material, his homework assignments are always A’s and B’s. I think he rushes through the tests (like just about anything school related because there ARE far more important things to do like ride BMX with Steven or talk to Tasha on the phone LOL) and doesn’t check his work when he’s done. We are working on slowwwwing it down for the dear boy and that does seem to help some. We’ll see, math still could be in his summer school future if he doesn’t pull it together in the next 4 weeks.
In other Max news his visit w/ his father doesn’t seem to have any negative lasting effects. In fact, it seems the opposite. We had a few days of snotty comments and abrasive remarks, but that was expected and momma bear didn’t growl too much. Otherwise, he’s been great. Very helpful, communicative, not quite so withdrawn and generally I’d say we’ve got a pretty happy teenager on our hands. I also suspect some of it is the house, he’s really happy there. We are happy there together. He’s changing so much, sometimes I get these glimpses of him as an adult and I just hope he and I will remain close on some level throughout his life so I get to be around to see him grow into the really special dood I think he’s going to be. I expect we will honestly, it’s hard to believe we’d go through so much together and NOT stay close after the initial “get out of my life Mom” phase. He’s talking about La Crosse next year at school, let’s hope he goes for it…Max is such an athlete; I do hope he gives it a shot.
The moisture from last week has made everything absolutely gorgeous already and now comes a favorite time of year of mine in Colorado. Spring here can be incredible, especially if we get a bunch of weather in April, which we have. So, I am eager to get the yard cleaned up and planted. That’s kind of on my agenda in my ‘spare’ time this week. One of my favorite things about this house is that I don’t feel like I am constantly scrubbing, wiping, shinning or otherwise hunched over things trying to make it sparkle. One small bathroom to clean, one kitchen, one level. The floor is super easy, a sweep it every few days and wash it with vinegar once a week or so. It’s super easy to keep clean and I love it, it leaves me with so much more free time for which anyone would be happy I’m sure.
Pumpkin is hanging in there, she’s sleeping a lot and it’s clear she’s kind of at the end, but I think she is comfortable. No seizures for 3 weeks now I want to say? She’s such a special animal, I will surely miss her when the time comes but I think we are both more comfortable with how things are going right now. I think we both know it’s going to be any time now, it might be days or weeks….but soon. I can feel it and I’ve not been able to say that before which is why the decision to euthanize her has been so hard.
Work is good. I had a mini meltdown this weekend about whether or not I can really swing this .Net stuff now that it’s in my lap. I got here today, it’s really tough stuff…I’m not going to pretend I’m NOT struggling with the learning curve. But I expected that and my employers and fellow developers are more patient then I am with myself. I require knowledge and experience on a subject to feel confident that I know what I am doing. That will take time. I’ll get there. Rome wasn’t built in a day or some such cliché.
Today is the 10th anniversary of Columbine. It’s still pretty difficult to digest; especially when you’ve heard the tapes and read the transcripts and now that the detail has all come to the surface. It’s pretty horrifying. For all of us, I’m sure those not living in Co can feel it as well. Those moments never fade from your memory, the shock of those experiences live through you pretty authentically for a life time I imagine. Every generation has them and they should be acknowledged so that those kids and teachers know they are loved and not forgotten. Every year my heart breaks for those families who lost their loved ones and that heart break makes me remember. Those kids deserve that at the very least.
Friday, April 17, 2009
wow, Friday alllzready?
This week flew by in a flurry of activity (ha, made that funny again P!) and I can’t believe it’s Friday already? I love it. It’s not that I wish to squander my days away; I just enjoy being productive and learning things. Work picked up considerably this week and that always does wonder for my mood. My mind thrives on activity, it craves it…desires it like the heart desires love. So I tend to get a little buzz when work is keeping that part of my brain active and over all I’m a lot happier. This simply reiterates that a valuable work experience really does affect ones life on all levels; we spend 2/3’s of our work days doing it so it should be something that keeps us motivated to get up and can back and do it again the next day.
However, I love it when the weeks fly by because I love my weekends the best. Especially now that the crappy part of moving is over and I’m pittering and making my home “mine.” I am so enjoying the vibe there, the bathroom is finally under control (thanks repairman Rick, you rock!) and my room is really coming along nicely. It really does feel like home there, I don’t know if it’s because it’s more lived in or if it’s cuz I am not as stressed about the financial aspects of managing it or what, but whatever it is it is pretty clear that Max and I are bouncy bunnies about the whole situation. We’ve both been a lot less stressed over all since the move (sans the funk sludge that tried to swallow me earlier this month) and I see it as a positive trend.
For the house: I bought pumpkin, butternut and acorn squash seeds and am working on rooting them. I planted 2 more new house plants and they seem happy. One is a prayer plant and I love it when I go to sleep it’s all folded up in prayer and when the sun comes out, it comes alive and opens back up to greet it. Someone was thinking when they made that plant, like “A HA, this will get the attention of those silly humans and their short attention spans! Look at what a lovely representation of life this plant is!”
Today we are supposed to get about a foot of very wet, April snow that only happens in Colorado as far as I know. It’s the kind that will make driving challenging and being outside sort of off limits, but will also saturate the ground and make all the beautiful spring things come to life. Its 35 today, 60 on Sunday. This truly is the only place I’ve ever lived that is consistently inconsistent. One of our DBA’s just moved here from Nepal in summer 2008. Not only is she just adorable in general (very petite, dark complexion and thick accent with that kind of glimmer in her eye I’ve noticed people from other countries seem to have) her facial expressions and comments when the weather whips up a new surprise for us are truly hysterical. I probably shouldn’t laugh, I’m sure she’s tired of that by now. It’s hard not to though, she’s just so damn cute. You can tell she is genuinely shocked by the fact that it can be 68 on Tuesday and raining/snowing by Thursday night. Like it’s inconceivable even though it is happening. I think this strange coming from someone who lived near the Himalaya mountain range and we all know mountains are a huge weather pattern forming force, but she said the weather is pretty consistent unless you get up on the mountain itself. Huh. Weird.
I remember a real noticeable thing for me when we lived in San Francisco was the seemingly huge lack of weather. Northern California is absolutely beautiful, it is after all on its’ way to becoming Oregon and Washington state so it starts out just as beautifully as it ends. Problem is, in San Fran it’s like humid and hot or humid and mild or humid and kind of chilly, but never really like COLD. The range of temperature there can’t be any more then 20 degree’s in between seasons, where as here you could see that range of temperature in the same day. Wisconsin is the flip side of CA obviously....humid and hot for about one month per year and then it’s like humid and cool, cooler and cold! Colorado is like the bi polar state, one or the other. Up down all over the place, perfect for me As much as I long to be closer to the ocean and my people in the Northern Pacific, I sure do love Colorado.
So since it’s going to be snowing through tomorrow I’ll probably be holed up in the house this weekend puttering some more. I am determined to create the perfect pumpkin patch in the backyard so I have more research to do on that. I also need to write some letters and download some music and organize my iPod. It really needs some love and since I’ve been working out/walking again it really needs to be updated. Even 30 different play lists can get old believe it or not. I am always hungry for new music. I did get the new Incubus and Foo Fighters from Kristen so I’m listening to that on cd in my car (gasp, CD? What’s that….?) and 101.5 pretty regularly. Hey guys at 101.5.....work on your transmission strength, music kicks ass but reception is sketchy at best!
Oh I also plan to do some cooking this weekend. Peppers were on sale at King Soopers, so I went crazy and bought 3 of each color…12 total LOL. I am going to make some salsa, pasta and salmon with red pepper pesto. Max will turn his nose up at all of these things, because this is not “man” food. Man food = meat in all of its possible forms, potatoes, anything fried and copious amounts of chocolate cake or ice cram. No vegetable shall pass his lips unless it’s in the form of a carrot, ice burg lettuce only w/ ranch, green beans, corn and if loaded with butter….brussell sprouts. Yes, my son, the pickiest eater on the planet loves brussel sprouts. But vegetables not on the before mentioned list are off limits. Which includes peppers. So my menu for the weekend will also have to include something for the poor starving child to eat. I also bought a bunch of different types of mushrooms AND he won’t even consider a mushroom, so I am in double trouble. Fungus is a favorite of mine, I worship the mushroom. I think it’s a beautiful little creature and particularly enjoy them in soups, stews, stir fry, omelets and pasta. And 100% raw in salads. Max knows this all to well so if mushrooms of any sort are on the fridge, he will be scanning his dinner plate for any rogue mushroom bits that might’ve made it onto his plate. Even though I’ve always made sure his food is what he likes, while encouraging him to try new things here and there and would never DREAM of sneaking a mushroom in on him, he’s not convinced and has to verify this for himself by picking. I learned the mushroom thing with this kid at about age 3…..mushrooms and spaghetti sauce, NOT toddler friendly food. I like to avoid gagging at my dinner table, thanks though. I will enjoy them this weekends meals sure enough for both of us, he’ll get over it.
I’ve been eating mega veggies this week…funny thing about vegetables, they truly are a feast for all the senses. I also notice that my complexion takes on a slightly less pale tone, like you know….…it’s happy or something! In fact, I’ve had 5 solid days of uber healthy food intake (sans the chocolate truffle blizzard I had from DQ last night that I treated myself for being such a good girl and not cussing out the doctor performing yesterdays procedure) and the house is stocked full of good things, even a few low cal sweets because I just can’t help it….I like chocolate. I like peanut butter. I like ice cream and things like that. And I shall have them………..in moderation. I’m tired of being frenemies with food. It and I shall become like one, a happy union of what’s good and good for me and I’m not going to feel guilty if I have a little bit of ice cream or a peanut butter and banana sandwich with chocolate syrup once in a while. I don’t feel guilty when I eat a plateful of salad and I LOVE salad. I don’t feel guilty when I eat a cup of berries and I LOVE berries. Why should I feel guilty when I have a little bit of low fat/cal sweet things? Or if I DO crave meat once in a while, what’s wrong with that? Nothing and I shouldn’t feel guilty about eating a little bit of everything. Poo poo on whomever it was that taught me to feel guilty when I eat. I suspect I know where it might’ve been brought to my attention. A seemingly innocuous comment made to me by a family member at the very tender and awkward age of 13 about being a “little piggy” at a bbq once set into motion 20 years of feeling like everyone thought I was fat and I am sure I was coddled with food as a very young child (like MOST American children are) so I already had “food” established as a comfort thing and then suddenly it was a bad thing and I was sure everyone thought I was fat and unlovable because I ate so much at that bib that one day. I’m so over it. Tired of fighting it. I’m never going to be a size 8 again, maybe not ever a size 10 or even a 12 again…..but I wasn’t healthy when I was those sizes either….let’s not forget I smoked about a pack of cigarettes a day and worked out neurotically. I ate very very little food, probably not enough to really survive on and food was DEFINITELY my enemy then. Then it became my friend again in recent years and I went to the other extreme of eating volumes of bad foods, not exercising my body…..oh but I quit smoking so that makes it all okay? Shyeahhhhhh, ok….I don’t see any monkey’s flying out of my butt so that CANNOT be a true statement. So finally, I am ready to strike up a healthy balance with food and my body. Can we please stop hating and start enjoying again? Thanks. Next subject.
I realize I’m rambling and I should probably get back to work….so off for now. Love to you all.
However, I love it when the weeks fly by because I love my weekends the best. Especially now that the crappy part of moving is over and I’m pittering and making my home “mine.” I am so enjoying the vibe there, the bathroom is finally under control (thanks repairman Rick, you rock!) and my room is really coming along nicely. It really does feel like home there, I don’t know if it’s because it’s more lived in or if it’s cuz I am not as stressed about the financial aspects of managing it or what, but whatever it is it is pretty clear that Max and I are bouncy bunnies about the whole situation. We’ve both been a lot less stressed over all since the move (sans the funk sludge that tried to swallow me earlier this month) and I see it as a positive trend.
For the house: I bought pumpkin, butternut and acorn squash seeds and am working on rooting them. I planted 2 more new house plants and they seem happy. One is a prayer plant and I love it when I go to sleep it’s all folded up in prayer and when the sun comes out, it comes alive and opens back up to greet it. Someone was thinking when they made that plant, like “A HA, this will get the attention of those silly humans and their short attention spans! Look at what a lovely representation of life this plant is!”
Today we are supposed to get about a foot of very wet, April snow that only happens in Colorado as far as I know. It’s the kind that will make driving challenging and being outside sort of off limits, but will also saturate the ground and make all the beautiful spring things come to life. Its 35 today, 60 on Sunday. This truly is the only place I’ve ever lived that is consistently inconsistent. One of our DBA’s just moved here from Nepal in summer 2008. Not only is she just adorable in general (very petite, dark complexion and thick accent with that kind of glimmer in her eye I’ve noticed people from other countries seem to have) her facial expressions and comments when the weather whips up a new surprise for us are truly hysterical. I probably shouldn’t laugh, I’m sure she’s tired of that by now. It’s hard not to though, she’s just so damn cute. You can tell she is genuinely shocked by the fact that it can be 68 on Tuesday and raining/snowing by Thursday night. Like it’s inconceivable even though it is happening. I think this strange coming from someone who lived near the Himalaya mountain range and we all know mountains are a huge weather pattern forming force, but she said the weather is pretty consistent unless you get up on the mountain itself. Huh. Weird.
I remember a real noticeable thing for me when we lived in San Francisco was the seemingly huge lack of weather. Northern California is absolutely beautiful, it is after all on its’ way to becoming Oregon and Washington state so it starts out just as beautifully as it ends. Problem is, in San Fran it’s like humid and hot or humid and mild or humid and kind of chilly, but never really like COLD. The range of temperature there can’t be any more then 20 degree’s in between seasons, where as here you could see that range of temperature in the same day. Wisconsin is the flip side of CA obviously....humid and hot for about one month per year and then it’s like humid and cool, cooler and cold! Colorado is like the bi polar state, one or the other. Up down all over the place, perfect for me As much as I long to be closer to the ocean and my people in the Northern Pacific, I sure do love Colorado.
So since it’s going to be snowing through tomorrow I’ll probably be holed up in the house this weekend puttering some more. I am determined to create the perfect pumpkin patch in the backyard so I have more research to do on that. I also need to write some letters and download some music and organize my iPod. It really needs some love and since I’ve been working out/walking again it really needs to be updated. Even 30 different play lists can get old believe it or not. I am always hungry for new music. I did get the new Incubus and Foo Fighters from Kristen so I’m listening to that on cd in my car (gasp, CD? What’s that….?) and 101.5 pretty regularly. Hey guys at 101.5.....work on your transmission strength, music kicks ass but reception is sketchy at best!
Oh I also plan to do some cooking this weekend. Peppers were on sale at King Soopers, so I went crazy and bought 3 of each color…12 total LOL. I am going to make some salsa, pasta and salmon with red pepper pesto. Max will turn his nose up at all of these things, because this is not “man” food. Man food = meat in all of its possible forms, potatoes, anything fried and copious amounts of chocolate cake or ice cram. No vegetable shall pass his lips unless it’s in the form of a carrot, ice burg lettuce only w/ ranch, green beans, corn and if loaded with butter….brussell sprouts. Yes, my son, the pickiest eater on the planet loves brussel sprouts. But vegetables not on the before mentioned list are off limits. Which includes peppers. So my menu for the weekend will also have to include something for the poor starving child to eat. I also bought a bunch of different types of mushrooms AND he won’t even consider a mushroom, so I am in double trouble. Fungus is a favorite of mine, I worship the mushroom. I think it’s a beautiful little creature and particularly enjoy them in soups, stews, stir fry, omelets and pasta. And 100% raw in salads. Max knows this all to well so if mushrooms of any sort are on the fridge, he will be scanning his dinner plate for any rogue mushroom bits that might’ve made it onto his plate. Even though I’ve always made sure his food is what he likes, while encouraging him to try new things here and there and would never DREAM of sneaking a mushroom in on him, he’s not convinced and has to verify this for himself by picking. I learned the mushroom thing with this kid at about age 3…..mushrooms and spaghetti sauce, NOT toddler friendly food. I like to avoid gagging at my dinner table, thanks though. I will enjoy them this weekends meals sure enough for both of us, he’ll get over it.
I’ve been eating mega veggies this week…funny thing about vegetables, they truly are a feast for all the senses. I also notice that my complexion takes on a slightly less pale tone, like you know….…it’s happy or something! In fact, I’ve had 5 solid days of uber healthy food intake (sans the chocolate truffle blizzard I had from DQ last night that I treated myself for being such a good girl and not cussing out the doctor performing yesterdays procedure) and the house is stocked full of good things, even a few low cal sweets because I just can’t help it….I like chocolate. I like peanut butter. I like ice cream and things like that. And I shall have them………..in moderation. I’m tired of being frenemies with food. It and I shall become like one, a happy union of what’s good and good for me and I’m not going to feel guilty if I have a little bit of ice cream or a peanut butter and banana sandwich with chocolate syrup once in a while. I don’t feel guilty when I eat a plateful of salad and I LOVE salad. I don’t feel guilty when I eat a cup of berries and I LOVE berries. Why should I feel guilty when I have a little bit of low fat/cal sweet things? Or if I DO crave meat once in a while, what’s wrong with that? Nothing and I shouldn’t feel guilty about eating a little bit of everything. Poo poo on whomever it was that taught me to feel guilty when I eat. I suspect I know where it might’ve been brought to my attention. A seemingly innocuous comment made to me by a family member at the very tender and awkward age of 13 about being a “little piggy” at a bbq once set into motion 20 years of feeling like everyone thought I was fat and I am sure I was coddled with food as a very young child (like MOST American children are) so I already had “food” established as a comfort thing and then suddenly it was a bad thing and I was sure everyone thought I was fat and unlovable because I ate so much at that bib that one day. I’m so over it. Tired of fighting it. I’m never going to be a size 8 again, maybe not ever a size 10 or even a 12 again…..but I wasn’t healthy when I was those sizes either….let’s not forget I smoked about a pack of cigarettes a day and worked out neurotically. I ate very very little food, probably not enough to really survive on and food was DEFINITELY my enemy then. Then it became my friend again in recent years and I went to the other extreme of eating volumes of bad foods, not exercising my body…..oh but I quit smoking so that makes it all okay? Shyeahhhhhh, ok….I don’t see any monkey’s flying out of my butt so that CANNOT be a true statement. So finally, I am ready to strike up a healthy balance with food and my body. Can we please stop hating and start enjoying again? Thanks. Next subject.
I realize I’m rambling and I should probably get back to work….so off for now. Love to you all.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Weekend(s)
The mood has lifted (as I should always consider when ranting about it) as expected and my weekend was a mixed bag of personal joys, social interactions and communications from afar.
Thursday evening I had a lovely conversation with GramE. What a hip bunch of kids those Conlee grandfolk are! GramE’s energy sounded good and we enjoyed a solid visit. She always makes my eyes twinkle. I also cleaned house and spent a good portion of my evening playing games online, I’m addicted to this game called “QWERTY” on pogo.com.
Friday while Max was at school, I worked on my room, napped and watched Oprah. My bedroom is always my haven and it requires much nurturing to help it to become that, it’s getting there. I’m setting up a space to do yoga, I really do need a proper yoga mat and a band since I’m so out of the yoga loop, but I think I’ve got a nice space set up and I spotted a gorgeous 3 wick candle at Pier1 that I’d like to have in my yoga zone, if I could justify spending the money on it. It’s of the floor candle variety, which are generally well over $50.00, and that’s if they are on sale. I’ll keep my eyes out.
Saturday was more of the same, running errands, doing chores and puttering around the house. Max pissed and moaned about my taking up HIS morning with MY chores (ha) but we got through it and he went to Denver to skate with his buddies and I was left to a quiet house. More boxes of nick knacks unpacked, I found a jar of sand from Monterey Bay that Randall brought back for me years ago. I’d forgotten how dark that sand is. I can never forget how much I miss the beach, it’s all around me in my mind, but the sand itself always gives me a tangible closeness to it. So I put that little guy out, along with my sandcastles, shells, rocks and various pieces of drift wood. This morning as I prepared for my day and wondered through my home I felt such marvel at how almost quite literally I got what I asked for when I found out we’d be loosing the condo. Almost to the very tee. I am overcome by how giving and forgiving the Universe. These are the moments in life in which you might catch Sarah blushing.
Unfortunately, also on Saturday afternoon I got a piece of news from some dear friends and t fertilized my already seeded concerns about these financial times we are living in. I am fearful for this country and how we are going to survive this economy. I am fearful for the security of my own job to be quite frank, I’ve had some whispers of doubt recently about whether I may be next on the growing list of those I know who have been laid off or are unemployed. While I quickly chase those thoughts away, I can’t help but feel it is wise to at least acknowledge it as a possibility, whereas in the past I’ve never really felt that worried here about being laid off from my current employer. It would make sense to cut the fat to so to speak and since I am low man on the developer’s totem pole and someone else was just let go which almost NEVER happens here, it’s not something that would completely surprise me at this point either. I will work not to dwell on these thoughts and focus on the positives.
Saturday evening upon Max’s return from Denver, we proceeded to host an impromptu dinner at our house with Kristen’s family, including two of Bethany’s cousins who reminded me that our children (Bethany and Max) are not at all as close to rebellious or out of control as some teenagers are. Not even a little. Bethany and Max were like shinning little angels in comparison with these two, it was a little shocking. I’ve known these girls since they were born and they’ve grown into absolutely beautiful young women as we always suspected….but I’m appreciative of that fact that they aren’t living in my house, that’s all I can say. Kristen and I then spent the remainder of the evening drinking Captain & Coke, with one eye open on the 5 teenagers running rampant through our homes, dying Easter eggs and watching “Twilight.” Oh can I just say……………….now I totally get it! I’ll be adding that movie/book series to my wish list for sure. I know I’m like 15 years older then these characters, but let’s just say I can see the appeal of girls all over the planet. Now the rest of the world seems to have inherited my strong leanings toward pasty-blue/green-eyed-moody Brits! Yessss, victory is mine!
Easter Sunday it rained all day in Denver (very fitting after watching Twilight twice in one night) and Max and I spent oh…….probably about the whole day napping, snuggling, snacking, teasing the cats and watching the birds dive bomb bugs and worms. My son truly is my best buddy in so many ways, we hang out a lot together and I love that he’s 16 and not afraid to sit next to his momma on a rainy day with a blanket and some Chinese food and enjoy it with her. Lucky momma indeed!
And now the week begins…..plans/tasks as follows:
a) Walk/work out every day (except Sunday)
b) Get the repair dood out to the house to fix the tub, sink, toilet and light fixture in the office
c) File my taxes (slight problem with short term disability W2’s from last year and I’m still waiting from corporate on that)
d) Continue with unpacking/organizing
e) Bills/chores/blah blah blah
f) Figure out what to cook for four people that’s in my budget (my mom’s bday is the 21st)
Thursday evening I had a lovely conversation with GramE. What a hip bunch of kids those Conlee grandfolk are! GramE’s energy sounded good and we enjoyed a solid visit. She always makes my eyes twinkle. I also cleaned house and spent a good portion of my evening playing games online, I’m addicted to this game called “QWERTY” on pogo.com.
Friday while Max was at school, I worked on my room, napped and watched Oprah. My bedroom is always my haven and it requires much nurturing to help it to become that, it’s getting there. I’m setting up a space to do yoga, I really do need a proper yoga mat and a band since I’m so out of the yoga loop, but I think I’ve got a nice space set up and I spotted a gorgeous 3 wick candle at Pier1 that I’d like to have in my yoga zone, if I could justify spending the money on it. It’s of the floor candle variety, which are generally well over $50.00, and that’s if they are on sale. I’ll keep my eyes out.
Saturday was more of the same, running errands, doing chores and puttering around the house. Max pissed and moaned about my taking up HIS morning with MY chores (ha) but we got through it and he went to Denver to skate with his buddies and I was left to a quiet house. More boxes of nick knacks unpacked, I found a jar of sand from Monterey Bay that Randall brought back for me years ago. I’d forgotten how dark that sand is. I can never forget how much I miss the beach, it’s all around me in my mind, but the sand itself always gives me a tangible closeness to it. So I put that little guy out, along with my sandcastles, shells, rocks and various pieces of drift wood. This morning as I prepared for my day and wondered through my home I felt such marvel at how almost quite literally I got what I asked for when I found out we’d be loosing the condo. Almost to the very tee. I am overcome by how giving and forgiving the Universe. These are the moments in life in which you might catch Sarah blushing.
Unfortunately, also on Saturday afternoon I got a piece of news from some dear friends and t fertilized my already seeded concerns about these financial times we are living in. I am fearful for this country and how we are going to survive this economy. I am fearful for the security of my own job to be quite frank, I’ve had some whispers of doubt recently about whether I may be next on the growing list of those I know who have been laid off or are unemployed. While I quickly chase those thoughts away, I can’t help but feel it is wise to at least acknowledge it as a possibility, whereas in the past I’ve never really felt that worried here about being laid off from my current employer. It would make sense to cut the fat to so to speak and since I am low man on the developer’s totem pole and someone else was just let go which almost NEVER happens here, it’s not something that would completely surprise me at this point either. I will work not to dwell on these thoughts and focus on the positives.
Saturday evening upon Max’s return from Denver, we proceeded to host an impromptu dinner at our house with Kristen’s family, including two of Bethany’s cousins who reminded me that our children (Bethany and Max) are not at all as close to rebellious or out of control as some teenagers are. Not even a little. Bethany and Max were like shinning little angels in comparison with these two, it was a little shocking. I’ve known these girls since they were born and they’ve grown into absolutely beautiful young women as we always suspected….but I’m appreciative of that fact that they aren’t living in my house, that’s all I can say. Kristen and I then spent the remainder of the evening drinking Captain & Coke, with one eye open on the 5 teenagers running rampant through our homes, dying Easter eggs and watching “Twilight.” Oh can I just say……………….now I totally get it! I’ll be adding that movie/book series to my wish list for sure. I know I’m like 15 years older then these characters, but let’s just say I can see the appeal of girls all over the planet. Now the rest of the world seems to have inherited my strong leanings toward pasty-blue/green-eyed-moody Brits! Yessss, victory is mine!
Easter Sunday it rained all day in Denver (very fitting after watching Twilight twice in one night) and Max and I spent oh…….probably about the whole day napping, snuggling, snacking, teasing the cats and watching the birds dive bomb bugs and worms. My son truly is my best buddy in so many ways, we hang out a lot together and I love that he’s 16 and not afraid to sit next to his momma on a rainy day with a blanket and some Chinese food and enjoy it with her. Lucky momma indeed!
And now the week begins…..plans/tasks as follows:
a) Walk/work out every day (except Sunday)
b) Get the repair dood out to the house to fix the tub, sink, toilet and light fixture in the office
c) File my taxes (slight problem with short term disability W2’s from last year and I’m still waiting from corporate on that)
d) Continue with unpacking/organizing
e) Bills/chores/blah blah blah
f) Figure out what to cook for four people that’s in my budget (my mom’s bday is the 21st)
Thursday, April 09, 2009
Mood? Elevating.....Confusion Level? Also Elevating.....
I’m going to the doc today to switch up the allergy meds (because my nose is either running off my face or creating a pressurized cabin inside my melon) and see if they can give me something for the apparently looming migraine. I went like how long? 6 months, a year or more? I’ve even had red wine a few times (a sure fire trigger) with no negative result. Something triggered it though; I’ve had a headache for about a week now. It seems to be building steam. Getting to that point where light and noise make me want to be somewhere very dark and quite. I realize that it could be psychosomatic….my body reacting to the annoying blue tint my world seems to have taken on in recent weeks. Surely the very LOCATION of the physical discomfort would suggest that, don’t you think? What a vicious cycle, the grumpy makes my physical body react; the physical reaction makes me grumpy.
But in spite of all of this, I do sense an elevation in mood…or stabilization at least. That’s always a plus. Partly it’s because after work I’ve been going home, making food for the man child and basically having “down time” for the remainder of the evening. I’ve also been eating anything and everything I want, which has an enjoyable affect because chocolate and peanut butter make me happy….annnnnnnnnnnnd I’ve been sleeping. A LOT of sleeping.
I also have a 3 day weekend which is always good for the soul. I’ve not worked on my house since last Saturday so I will spend some time tooling around this weekend getting that office in order and setting out the remainder of my nick knacks and hanging pic’s. All this puttering about should be good. I’m supposed to go to a social thing on Saturday but I’ve already bowed out of that. I just don’t feel like it, it’s nothing personal. Plus I know there will be copious amounts of wine and champagne, both of which aren’t good for my head right now. So I’m saying “no” and doing what I want this weekend, what a concept huh?
I’m reading some great books at the moment, one of which discusses spiritual law in depthly unlike any other book I’ve read. The theory that spiritual law is a tangible thing like the laws of physics or mathematics reminds to stop approaching my own spiritual being as a conceptual “IDEA” and begin caring for it like an infant that needs a lot of nurturing and attention. My car is a real thing. If I don’t put oil in it, it ceases up. If there is little fuel or crappy fuel it spits and sputters until it stalls. If the brakes aren’t maintained, it doesn’t know how to stop. In essence, if the Baby Jetta isn’t cared for, it will stop running efficiently or at some point, it’ll stop running all together. There are 1001 ways to analogize the tangibility of spiritual presence in association to physical presence, it’s quite clear. The Baby Jetta and I had a moment though this morning on the way to work, so that’s the one I’m using because I had a total BFI. It was like “Girl, you take better care of this car then you do yourself! You aren’t afraid to get out there and drive this car and have fun with it! You always put good gas in it and spend the money it takes to maintain it, right? You are careful when driving so as to avoid pot holes and speed bumps but this doesn’t stop you from driving, right? You are courteous of other drivers and their vehicles and it is usually reciprocated but if it’s not you don’t just stop driving the Baby Jetta all togther, right?” DING DING DING! HELLLLO!
The problem is that I get lazy. I don’t stay present in what is important or the positive as often as I’d like. I fall of the wagon and distract myself or let myself get distracted. Sometimes I don’t feel like it’s all my doing, sometimes it feels like my body is betraying me. But even that excuse is getting kind of lame because mind over matter is something I believe in when I’m not whining about blue tinted glasses. On the flip side, I’ve been accused of having rose colored glasses much too often about the world around me, but never about myself. Why can’t I just have…….what would it be? Purple colored glasses? Mauve? Whatever is balanced between blue and rose?
This internal dialogue is really good for getting me out of my funks and giving me the tools I need to embrace all the beauty in the world and try to add to it somehow. But what I can’t figure out is how I fall off the wagon SO easily? What was it THIS time? Pumpkin? The move? Max being gone? I hadn’t been reading much because of the move, is that why? I had bought a lot of beer when we moved and barely any got drank on moving day so I’ve been drinking it, could that be it? I’ve been eating like shit, are the lack of vegetables and fruit causing my normally vegetarian-esque style of eating to freak out? I’ve spent very little time with friends and family since the move and have been feeling a little isolated, maybe I’m just so needy that not having enough interpersonal interaction can cause my funk fungus to explode? Maybe it was the jack ass at karaoke that treated me shabbily and it’s gotten me thinking of why it is that men think they can treat me that way?
Dunno. I’m kinda stumped. Seems like it could be any of these or all of these, but again, there seems to be no rhyme or reason to when it’s going to be that one thing that sends me over the edge and the world becomes hopeless and stormy again. What I do know is that I’m tired of being a victim to it. Surely I’m the one in control here right? That scares me to say that, I am waiting to get struck by lightening any minute. Too many things have happened to me that weren’t in my control in the past that make me fearful of the “what could be’s” and “what if’s.” At times that it, other times (as mentioned in previous blog) I am totally fearless and I jump in with no life jacket. Apparently my sense of timing is a little off LOL.
Time doesn’t allow for further comment on these issues, but I’m sure there will be more to come. I’m just thankful for the reprieve from funk and am looking forward to a long, funk-free (other then the bassy/drum beat kind maybe!) weekend.
Xoxo’s
S
But in spite of all of this, I do sense an elevation in mood…or stabilization at least. That’s always a plus. Partly it’s because after work I’ve been going home, making food for the man child and basically having “down time” for the remainder of the evening. I’ve also been eating anything and everything I want, which has an enjoyable affect because chocolate and peanut butter make me happy….annnnnnnnnnnnd I’ve been sleeping. A LOT of sleeping.
I also have a 3 day weekend which is always good for the soul. I’ve not worked on my house since last Saturday so I will spend some time tooling around this weekend getting that office in order and setting out the remainder of my nick knacks and hanging pic’s. All this puttering about should be good. I’m supposed to go to a social thing on Saturday but I’ve already bowed out of that. I just don’t feel like it, it’s nothing personal. Plus I know there will be copious amounts of wine and champagne, both of which aren’t good for my head right now. So I’m saying “no” and doing what I want this weekend, what a concept huh?
I’m reading some great books at the moment, one of which discusses spiritual law in depthly unlike any other book I’ve read. The theory that spiritual law is a tangible thing like the laws of physics or mathematics reminds to stop approaching my own spiritual being as a conceptual “IDEA” and begin caring for it like an infant that needs a lot of nurturing and attention. My car is a real thing. If I don’t put oil in it, it ceases up. If there is little fuel or crappy fuel it spits and sputters until it stalls. If the brakes aren’t maintained, it doesn’t know how to stop. In essence, if the Baby Jetta isn’t cared for, it will stop running efficiently or at some point, it’ll stop running all together. There are 1001 ways to analogize the tangibility of spiritual presence in association to physical presence, it’s quite clear. The Baby Jetta and I had a moment though this morning on the way to work, so that’s the one I’m using because I had a total BFI. It was like “Girl, you take better care of this car then you do yourself! You aren’t afraid to get out there and drive this car and have fun with it! You always put good gas in it and spend the money it takes to maintain it, right? You are careful when driving so as to avoid pot holes and speed bumps but this doesn’t stop you from driving, right? You are courteous of other drivers and their vehicles and it is usually reciprocated but if it’s not you don’t just stop driving the Baby Jetta all togther, right?” DING DING DING! HELLLLO!
The problem is that I get lazy. I don’t stay present in what is important or the positive as often as I’d like. I fall of the wagon and distract myself or let myself get distracted. Sometimes I don’t feel like it’s all my doing, sometimes it feels like my body is betraying me. But even that excuse is getting kind of lame because mind over matter is something I believe in when I’m not whining about blue tinted glasses. On the flip side, I’ve been accused of having rose colored glasses much too often about the world around me, but never about myself. Why can’t I just have…….what would it be? Purple colored glasses? Mauve? Whatever is balanced between blue and rose?
This internal dialogue is really good for getting me out of my funks and giving me the tools I need to embrace all the beauty in the world and try to add to it somehow. But what I can’t figure out is how I fall off the wagon SO easily? What was it THIS time? Pumpkin? The move? Max being gone? I hadn’t been reading much because of the move, is that why? I had bought a lot of beer when we moved and barely any got drank on moving day so I’ve been drinking it, could that be it? I’ve been eating like shit, are the lack of vegetables and fruit causing my normally vegetarian-esque style of eating to freak out? I’ve spent very little time with friends and family since the move and have been feeling a little isolated, maybe I’m just so needy that not having enough interpersonal interaction can cause my funk fungus to explode? Maybe it was the jack ass at karaoke that treated me shabbily and it’s gotten me thinking of why it is that men think they can treat me that way?
Dunno. I’m kinda stumped. Seems like it could be any of these or all of these, but again, there seems to be no rhyme or reason to when it’s going to be that one thing that sends me over the edge and the world becomes hopeless and stormy again. What I do know is that I’m tired of being a victim to it. Surely I’m the one in control here right? That scares me to say that, I am waiting to get struck by lightening any minute. Too many things have happened to me that weren’t in my control in the past that make me fearful of the “what could be’s” and “what if’s.” At times that it, other times (as mentioned in previous blog) I am totally fearless and I jump in with no life jacket. Apparently my sense of timing is a little off LOL.
Time doesn’t allow for further comment on these issues, but I’m sure there will be more to come. I’m just thankful for the reprieve from funk and am looking forward to a long, funk-free (other then the bassy/drum beat kind maybe!) weekend.
Xoxo’s
S
Wednesday, April 08, 2009
Tuesday, April 07, 2009
Frank The Rabbit
Mmmm, so Tuesday is shaping up to be a better day. Turns out copious amounts of sleep and chocolate really do have health promoting qualities…too bad I can’t figure out how stay on task with copious amounts of exercise and loving myself right? Oh well, I’ll take when I can get for today. I am still dragging ass though, my whole body feels like it’s under water. Why does this stuff pull my down so deeply physically as well? My energy just goes right down the toilet and my only aspirations involved being snuggled up in my bed, reading and snuggling my cats or eating. Total double whammy. The funk isn’t gone, but it’s tolerable today. I can function at least. As much as I’d resisted posting all my negativity outwardly, I did feel better afterward so perhaps I should let go a little and document where I’m at regardless of my fears. Being fearless is a skill I’m still honing:) Maybe I’ll work on that one in therapy too.
Today I was at Barnes & Nobles (sorry Aunty, they didn’t have the book you recommended but I found another deliciously spicy one I think) and I could very literally feel the clerk judging my choices as I was checking out. I read the classics. I read empowering books about women. I read books by authors who hardly have to work at being fabulous and authors working way too hard to be fabulous. I read short stories, novels and everything in between. I read non-fiction about quantum physics and Buddhism and Taoism and Paganism and books that are really hard for me to wrap my head around but I read them anyway because I enjoy the challenge. I enjoy the books that make me slow it down and contemplate. I read biographical books about those who have formed our societies, one way or the other. I also read books about dead musicians and artists who committed suicide and drug addicts and sex workers and people who have lived lives to depths I will probably never understand, but can possibly relate to based on my own experiences of brushing up against some of those depths.
I have watched from the side-lines (i.e…my fearlessness hidden away for another day) and then switched gears and jumped into life head first without even blinking. I can go from the “I don’t try anything, I just do it!” mentality to the “over-think it, process it until it’s a little nub of annoyance in the back of my day to day” mentality in moments. Sometimes I feel like a wide eyed bunny, happily content to hop along and live life without questioning anything who suddenly bumps into Frank The Rabbit from “Donnie Darko” and follows him down the Tangent Universe rabbit hole. I know I am not alone. I know that most, if not all of us, are questioning our purpose, experiencing the plague of self-doubt and then the reward of self-discovery. We are all grappling with our pasts, wondering about our futures and trying desperately to make sense of our current existence. I also think we are all just trying to do the best we can, be the best people we can and not everyone succeeds. Not everyone succeeds at life period. And to me, all art forms reflect this struggle of the human condition.
That’s why I read books about situations and people that might make the clerk who checked me out uncomfortable. These stories of those who have overcome adversities, of those who have experienced such trial and tribulation and came out of it all the wiser and are willing to share that wisdom with others…they give me hope. I think it’s honorable and I admire them for having the balls to share things we don’t tell our best friends or mothers. I think it’s brave for authors to explore subjects that force us to consider things we might not otherwise even ever think to. Some of you who know may question why I would subject myself to yet more stories of hardships because let’s face it kids, I’ve surely seen enough of my own and been close to a number of painful situations with those that I love. I’ve cried enough to tears to fill an Olympic swimming pool. Admittedly, there have been some books I have put down simply because it was just too painful or caused some spark of post traumatic stress. But that becomes rarer as my skin gets thicker and life experiences teach me how unfair and sometimes unpractical our time on earth is, except it always ends up teaching us something incredible one way or another. I’d also like to think I’m not such a damaged drama-monger that I don’t read these books to revel in the pain of others. I refuse to believe that - even if I get a little jolt out of the shock value of some of these stories because my nature is extreme so it takes A LOT to shock me – my self assessment is that I pick out books that call to me, no matter the subject or content.
I think next time I am hitting Barnes & Nobles, I might just dress in my most professional attire, with my hair and make up perfect, nails done and looking fabulous and go buy a book on demon worshipping child care workers who run a brothel out of their child care center on the weekends. And make SURE I find this same clerk. THAT would be a really good time.
:)
Today I was at Barnes & Nobles (sorry Aunty, they didn’t have the book you recommended but I found another deliciously spicy one I think) and I could very literally feel the clerk judging my choices as I was checking out. I read the classics. I read empowering books about women. I read books by authors who hardly have to work at being fabulous and authors working way too hard to be fabulous. I read short stories, novels and everything in between. I read non-fiction about quantum physics and Buddhism and Taoism and Paganism and books that are really hard for me to wrap my head around but I read them anyway because I enjoy the challenge. I enjoy the books that make me slow it down and contemplate. I read biographical books about those who have formed our societies, one way or the other. I also read books about dead musicians and artists who committed suicide and drug addicts and sex workers and people who have lived lives to depths I will probably never understand, but can possibly relate to based on my own experiences of brushing up against some of those depths.
I have watched from the side-lines (i.e…my fearlessness hidden away for another day) and then switched gears and jumped into life head first without even blinking. I can go from the “I don’t try anything, I just do it!” mentality to the “over-think it, process it until it’s a little nub of annoyance in the back of my day to day” mentality in moments. Sometimes I feel like a wide eyed bunny, happily content to hop along and live life without questioning anything who suddenly bumps into Frank The Rabbit from “Donnie Darko” and follows him down the Tangent Universe rabbit hole. I know I am not alone. I know that most, if not all of us, are questioning our purpose, experiencing the plague of self-doubt and then the reward of self-discovery. We are all grappling with our pasts, wondering about our futures and trying desperately to make sense of our current existence. I also think we are all just trying to do the best we can, be the best people we can and not everyone succeeds. Not everyone succeeds at life period. And to me, all art forms reflect this struggle of the human condition.
That’s why I read books about situations and people that might make the clerk who checked me out uncomfortable. These stories of those who have overcome adversities, of those who have experienced such trial and tribulation and came out of it all the wiser and are willing to share that wisdom with others…they give me hope. I think it’s honorable and I admire them for having the balls to share things we don’t tell our best friends or mothers. I think it’s brave for authors to explore subjects that force us to consider things we might not otherwise even ever think to. Some of you who know may question why I would subject myself to yet more stories of hardships because let’s face it kids, I’ve surely seen enough of my own and been close to a number of painful situations with those that I love. I’ve cried enough to tears to fill an Olympic swimming pool. Admittedly, there have been some books I have put down simply because it was just too painful or caused some spark of post traumatic stress. But that becomes rarer as my skin gets thicker and life experiences teach me how unfair and sometimes unpractical our time on earth is, except it always ends up teaching us something incredible one way or another. I’d also like to think I’m not such a damaged drama-monger that I don’t read these books to revel in the pain of others. I refuse to believe that - even if I get a little jolt out of the shock value of some of these stories because my nature is extreme so it takes A LOT to shock me – my self assessment is that I pick out books that call to me, no matter the subject or content.
I think next time I am hitting Barnes & Nobles, I might just dress in my most professional attire, with my hair and make up perfect, nails done and looking fabulous and go buy a book on demon worshipping child care workers who run a brothel out of their child care center on the weekends. And make SURE I find this same clerk. THAT would be a really good time.
:)
Monday, April 06, 2009
I haven’t really felt like blogging lately, there’s just too much to think about, to much to figure out…..anyone know that song? If not, here’s the link: http://www.lyricstime.com/todd-snider-statistician-s-blues-lyrics.html
The truth is that I’ve been in such a funk for the past week solid that I’m almost ashamed to put it out to the Universe in written form. I am experiencing a rush of depression not unlike those in years past and get it that this is my pattern, huge highs…tremendous lows. I get tired of it. I get tired of managing it. I don’t know why I can’t just be “normal” and have healthy ranges of emotions instead of the extremes to both ends. But that isn’t how I am built. There ARE things I can do to temper it and take care with myself (i.e…exercising regularly, avoiding over eating, self medicating) but when I get into this place those are the first things I do or don’t do and before you know I’m flailing again with no balance. Some day’s I fear I am going to spend my entire life fighting and as we all know, fighting anything over and over, for ever and ever is exhausting and can deteriorate one’s sense of hope. This morning I didn’t want to get out of bed….I seriously thought about calling in and sleeping all day. But that’s not what responsible employee’s slash mothers do. Nope, we soldier on and suck it up. Life isn’t for wimps you know!
The natural instinct I know is to ask “What happened?” And the answer is everything and nothing. My kid left town for a week, my cat had seizures all night Tuesday night, I am lonely/sad/mad/hurting/fat/hating my body right now, I had a drama at work with my supervisor that was totally unprofessional, my house isn’t put together yet, there’s too much to do, I’m wondering if I’ll ever be truly intimate with a man again because I oscillate between hating them and lusting after them, but surely not loving them…...blah blah blah. These are all things that I can manage just fine if I’m in the right state of mind. But when I am not, anything and everything become an excuse to go about and pity for myself and enter into the self-loathing phase which seems to be self-fulfilling, because the more I self-loathe, the more I do stupid things to cause me to…eat to much, drink too much, cry, whine…etc…etc…
And as I’m sitting here typing this and rereading it, I feel like a whiney baby even more because there are people in my life with “real” problems. Academic challenges, relationship issues, unemployment! And I’m crying because I’m feeling “down”? Come on! Suck it up sister!
But I don’t feel like sucking it up, I FEEL like being moody and blue and sleeping all day and those are all signs to me of the onset of a possible depression and I don’t want to go there again. There’s no reason for it, my life really is amazing and I know that logically, my little chemicals are trying to tell me otherwise..
I have a message into the therapist I am interested in working with to see if she can get me in this week. I really feel like I need help and I guess if nothing else, that’s further then I’ve gotten in years past with these phases….at least I can see myself starting to spiral and I’m doing something to stop it. I decided if I can spend $40 on dinner/drinks with Tammy Saturday night, then surely I can spend that on my therapy once a week until my insurance runs out. I had a lovely time with her, sans the guy who totally creeeeeeeeeped me out at Karaoke (ew, seriously, not cool), but it was only a temporary solution because yesterday I woke up with a mild hangover, no energy and $40 less in my bank account.
Oh and my theme song for these moments in my life? Haaa, it always makes me smile and say THAT’S RIGHT DAMMIT!
The truth is that I’ve been in such a funk for the past week solid that I’m almost ashamed to put it out to the Universe in written form. I am experiencing a rush of depression not unlike those in years past and get it that this is my pattern, huge highs…tremendous lows. I get tired of it. I get tired of managing it. I don’t know why I can’t just be “normal” and have healthy ranges of emotions instead of the extremes to both ends. But that isn’t how I am built. There ARE things I can do to temper it and take care with myself (i.e…exercising regularly, avoiding over eating, self medicating) but when I get into this place those are the first things I do or don’t do and before you know I’m flailing again with no balance. Some day’s I fear I am going to spend my entire life fighting and as we all know, fighting anything over and over, for ever and ever is exhausting and can deteriorate one’s sense of hope. This morning I didn’t want to get out of bed….I seriously thought about calling in and sleeping all day. But that’s not what responsible employee’s slash mothers do. Nope, we soldier on and suck it up. Life isn’t for wimps you know!
The natural instinct I know is to ask “What happened?” And the answer is everything and nothing. My kid left town for a week, my cat had seizures all night Tuesday night, I am lonely/sad/mad/hurting/fat/hating my body right now, I had a drama at work with my supervisor that was totally unprofessional, my house isn’t put together yet, there’s too much to do, I’m wondering if I’ll ever be truly intimate with a man again because I oscillate between hating them and lusting after them, but surely not loving them…...blah blah blah. These are all things that I can manage just fine if I’m in the right state of mind. But when I am not, anything and everything become an excuse to go about and pity for myself and enter into the self-loathing phase which seems to be self-fulfilling, because the more I self-loathe, the more I do stupid things to cause me to…eat to much, drink too much, cry, whine…etc…etc…
And as I’m sitting here typing this and rereading it, I feel like a whiney baby even more because there are people in my life with “real” problems. Academic challenges, relationship issues, unemployment! And I’m crying because I’m feeling “down”? Come on! Suck it up sister!
But I don’t feel like sucking it up, I FEEL like being moody and blue and sleeping all day and those are all signs to me of the onset of a possible depression and I don’t want to go there again. There’s no reason for it, my life really is amazing and I know that logically, my little chemicals are trying to tell me otherwise..
I have a message into the therapist I am interested in working with to see if she can get me in this week. I really feel like I need help and I guess if nothing else, that’s further then I’ve gotten in years past with these phases….at least I can see myself starting to spiral and I’m doing something to stop it. I decided if I can spend $40 on dinner/drinks with Tammy Saturday night, then surely I can spend that on my therapy once a week until my insurance runs out. I had a lovely time with her, sans the guy who totally creeeeeeeeeped me out at Karaoke (ew, seriously, not cool), but it was only a temporary solution because yesterday I woke up with a mild hangover, no energy and $40 less in my bank account.
Oh and my theme song for these moments in my life? Haaa, it always makes me smile and say THAT’S RIGHT DAMMIT!
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