Those Days Still Come & Go

Yesterday was a bad Chance day. They are about 90% gone for the most part, thank goodness and I'm not totally sure what sparks them, but every now and then I find myself feeling the pangs of ego and aches of betrayal. Most notable, are the feelings of total humiliation, shame and self-loathing I feel for my own role in the scenario and how it will be affecting me for many many years to come. I feel incredibly stupid, beyond stupid.....it's hard to explain. And it is still very difficult for me to understand his actions, or lack thereof I should say. Does he have no conscious? I'm sure he's justified stealing the bike and not paying for it in his mind somehow. He's justified quitting his job so he wouldn't have to pay the money he owed for all the bounced checks he wrote to me. I'm sure he's somehow written off stealing from Max. "It's just an XBox!" I can hear him saying. But it's not really, it's some shady ass behavior if you ask me. Max was an innocent in this scenario, but Chance was never able to fully reconcile that with himself. Last night, I had this absolutely HORRID revelation that I had suspected Chance's eye was wandering early in 2007, which was after a particularly bad period between us in which I did talk to him about moving out and that I wasn't sure the relationship was working. Of course, his response was that he was sorry, he loved me, and wanted it all so badly and that he would try and I agreed to try again as well. The irony was, that it was shortly after this promise of renewed dedication and love in my direction, was about the time I began to suspect him of cheating. I convinced myself he would never do that, because I truly did trust him (at the time) in that regard. Out of all the men I've dated in my life, Chance was the ONE guy I would never thought would actually do something like that. There are many things I didn't think he would do that he did in the end and that is where the lingering feelings of betrayal come into play. Trust can be a fragile thing and while I know that both of us were on unhappy in the end and it was time to end the relationship (a good 6 - 9 months before we actually did) I feel that the situation was handled extremely poorly and doubt I will ever see any kind of effort on his part to take responsibility for the financial effects his choices have had on my family. Again, it's hard for me to understand how someone can simply just walk away from the ones commitments in such a manner and never look back or even make an attempt to reconcile the situation. To me, it speaks volumes about where he's at in his mind and it's quite sad really, he's still very much a small child in a rapidly aging mans body.

When I think of the manipulations, that I can now see...it's pretty horrifying. I remembering a situation with his mother, fairly early in our relationship, where he was trying to talk her into buying a VERY expensive bicycle for him. She resisted, he persisted. I remember feeling uneasy about what I was seeing, how it seemed he was trying to wear her down and actually threw something of a fit when she finally put her foot down and said no. Like a spoiled little boy. I sort of dismissed it later, remember, I was MADLY in love with this man at one point. Wildly, madly and ridiculously in love and love is beyond blind. This kind of love is the kind that makes you do some pretty dumb shit, at least I did. Little did I know that it wouldn't be long before I would be the target of this same kind of manipulation and let me tell you, I now realize that Chance spent many many months, close to 6 or more, wearing me down in more than one way. Emotionally, physically and mentally....by the Spring of 2007. I was very literally exhausted by him and the entire situation occurring in my home. Then he began badgering me about co-signing on the bike. I told him out rightly that I didn't want to do it. He persisted. And persisted. And persisted more for a good 2 months. What a total and complete fool I was and I assure you, if my mind had been clearer, I would've been able to clearly give him the boot. I can now see that he contributed immensely to my lack of clarity at the time. I could just kick myself now, because it was about this time last year that things were getting really difficult at home with him and it was at about this time that he began to really put the pressure on about the bike. He was, in essence, manipulating me in every possible way he could think of to get his way. Ranging from total love and adoration to withdrawing and with-holding love completely from me and being incredibly cold, basically implying that I didn't love him if I didn't help him, etc.

It his pattern, as I understand it. This kind of thing has been going on with his mother for years and other friends as well. In essence, he is a con man. A shyster. And for all his talk of love and respect for women, I truly wonder if he's more of a misogynist than a lover of females. He see's the women in his life as objects, as a means to end and that's about it. He plays a good game at first, but in the end, he ends up screwing over everyone he's involved with. And how I fell for it, I do not know. I wish I could blame it on being young and naive, but I cannot. I was 28 when I met Chance and a single mother all that time, I should have known better. I certainly do now, that's for certain.

Sigh.

Luckily, I rarely find myself in this headspace any more. More so, I find myself finally acknowledging that I feel a sense of hollowness internally, that a part of me has died. Perhaps it was the idealist in me, the girl who trusted too easily and gave too much always because that is all I've ever known. That girl believed, that basically, all people are good in their hearts. I still believe that, but I'd be lying if I said my heart wasn't totally cynical in ways I never imagined and the idea of ever becoming involved with anyone again on a romantic level is totally unthinkable to me. Truly, like I can't even fathom the concept of putting energy into another person. Which makes me a little sad because I love being in love and I believe I have alot to offer, but I've grown into a place of comfortable acceptance that I may spend the remainder of my life single and happily so.

The positive outcomes of this relationship and it's related scenario's are many. I finally realized just how strong I really am and that not one single person on this planet has the right to look down upon me, make me feel inferior or less than and that I won't take being treated with anything less than respect from anyone from this point forward. It took getting beat to shit (again, funny how that works out? Maybe I'm the misogynist?) to really get it that my ability to endure pain and loss is extremely high, to see my value and worth and to come to terms with a lot of crap I have about men. Which, I will likely be working on for the rest of my life in some manner. Bottom line really is that this experience has made me a much stronger, more self confident and capable woman. Certainly my self esteem has suffered, I mean it's been pretty intense and there are some results from this situation that I have to deal with (i.e, weight, eating like shit and drinking too much) that are having an effect on me still. But I figure that will all come with time, I'm getting there. It took me 3 years to get to the place I'm at now, it's going to take some time to elevate rather than deviate.

It is encouraging to me that I continue to take lessons from this experience, that I continue to find new revelations. I don't feel particularly bitter really, I have days trust me. But mostly, I think I am mending about to be as expected. My goal is to take from this and move on, continue to live my life the best that I can. And while I've needed some time to process and be in solitude for my own purposes, I continue to feel myself beginning to put my feelers back out to the world and life again. One thing for sure that I've learned from this whole thing is that the moment I excepted responsibility for my own happiness and growth was the same moment I began to feel alive again. I no longer feel alone in this world, because I feel wholly loved by God and The Universe and my cat and my dear dear friends and family and of course Max. But mostly, I'm finally starting to love myself again and that's a good place to be. Forgiveness of one's self seems to be the hardest and most energy consuming, but I'm getting there:)