Acceptance Or Apathy, I'm Not Sure

It's been a rough few days, emotionally. I don't really have the energy to rehash it,so I thought I'd share part of an email thread between myself and Mary, which I guess sort of wraps up where things are at the moment.

Anyway, from last night:

I've reached a sort of agreement with myself and the Universe about these situations in my life. Yes, this thing with Chance and Sean, these ARE unfair things. No one would or even could deny this as fact. But this changes nothing. I am still accountable for my roles in these scenario's. I still must do the 'right' thing and just move on from it., fair, just or not.

I'm at the point where I just can't put any more energy into allowing these things to effect me and sort of finally got it, that yeah...I can bitch and complain and point out to the world the realities that this is all a lot of bullshit, but it means nothing. These men, they will never get a clue or be held accountable. I just have to suck it up and be a big girl. Second job, working 60 hours a week and putting Max in the position of having to do more than is fair (this isn't new obviously for him) or not. My only real residual rage about this is the time it's taking away from my family, my son who is rapidly approaching manhood and I feel pissed that I might miss out on this. But if we want to keep this house and afford him the lifestyle he's used to (however pitiful) I have no choice and ultimately, I do this for Max. If I didn't care, we'd loose our house and the nice things we have and move into some shitty place and live like welfare babies. I can't do that to him again .

I feel like this sounds very martyr like - I want you to know it's not like that for me. It's an epiphany of sorts. I just know I'm done sitting around and waiting for these assholes to give me permission to make my (and my sons) life happen, like they are some how going to finally get it. Like Chance will suddenly come up w/ the money to take this off my shoulders and Max's dad will get a clue and realize that my finances are always devoted to paying for our son and how stupid that makes him, but that won't happen. I am the one who gets it, not them, and it's just time for me to move on with it. Plus, I've wallowed in some lame ass self pity and depression for almost a year of my life and there is no one alive that is worth that. Not Chance, not Sean, no one.
Wah wah.

This may sound negative, but it's not. Not really. I think I've just come to terms with what reality is and I know I must take the nessisary steps to rectify my current situation, certainley no one else can fix it for me, right?

Mary, of course, had some very powerful insight and her response at least gave me the knowledge that I'm not just giving in or up, just going to a different place emotionally on things and where you mind sits has EVERYTHING to do with outcomes that's for sure.