Certainly, there is little room for me to throw stones, curse or otherwise harbor resentment toward the father of my child. I have long since forgiven him for beating me, trying to infect me with whatever random disease he may have gotten from the many other women he slept with on a regular basis without protection or his utter lack of responsibility for his own actions from the brief life we shared together. Many moons ago, I took all that hate and rage and anger that wrestled around within me for this man and cast it out like the nasty little demon he was. Cast it all right out of my heart and forgave this man for all the scars, bruises and emotional agony I endured during and after my relationship with him.
However, I have not forgiven him for the effect his lack of responsibility, infantile behavior and any visible signs of remorse has had on our son. To say that this person is a thorn in my side would be accurate. He's like healing scab. Once an open, festering wound, now just an irritating reminder of what once was. To say that he is a variable thorn bush in Max's side would be an understatement. Max has been the one to suffer from Sean's utter lack of ability to contribute, in any tangible way to the health and well being of his own child. Yet, Sean would argue quite the opposite if given a willing ear. He would rave about all the money that Max and I cost him for the 1 year that Max was an infant and I was still too weak and incapable to leave him. He would claim that it was MY choice to take Max (if you calling almost being murdered in front of your 1 year old son a choice when considering leaving your boyfriend, yeah ok sure) and leave him and come back to Colorado and that I stole his only son. He would tell anyone that would listen how I am only out to 'scam' him out of money and that's all I've ever been about. He would preach about what a cruel, heartless bitch I am for 'keeping' his child from him all these years and a long slew of other things I probably can't even think of or care to know about. These are just the things I am aware of.
That's funny, because last I checked I'd been raising this child by myself since the age of 18 and never even asked him for a dime until 2 years ago when I was finally able to establish real contact with him and he had a stable address. I am also quite certain that I've never done even one thing to withhold Max from Sean, ever. Oh, except fleeing San Francisco with my 15 month old baby and 3 bags of clothing/toys in the hopes that I could create a life where Max wasn't going to see his parents strung out on drugs and his mom getting the living shit beat out of her by his father, which as we all know ends up in mostly bad ways. Duh, now I CAN see how Sean would take that as my trying to 'keep' Max from him. Of course he would, because he's an abuser and abusers have this sense of insane justice about the world and their ego's are almost as large, or larger than their rather vivid and wild imaginations. So, in Sean's world....yes, I am a raging, money grubbing gold digger and I literally stole Max right out from underneath him. Yep, walked away in the middle of the night.....like some secret baby ninja, out to steal HIS only child. It's a great perspective, gives Sean all the power to play the victim and makes ME out to be the bad guy. And the best part, is this way he never ever EVER has to be accountable for his actions then, or in the 15 years since. Woooweeee, doesn't that work out nicely for him? Very nice if you ask me.
Never mind that Sean hardly ever lifted a finger to help raise his infant son when we DID live with him, never mind the fact that since his father has been relatively missing except for the occasional "blow in like a tornado and stir things up" episode and never mind the fact really, I would never ask him for jack squat if he wanted to just disappear out of our lives for ever, that would probably be just fine with me. I only went after him for child support because he's suddenly claiming he wants to be involved in Max's life, have a 'relationship' etc..... This of course, is only if it's totally convenient for Sean. Like, you know....Max gets chauffeured to him in Wyoming, on HIS terms, when HE has time. And this would absolutely mean not EVER having to pay one red penny in child support because he's not really Max's 'dad' - they are just 'getting to know each other' etc.
Do I sound frustrated, maybe a little bitter? It's because I am. Not because I've struggled over half of my life to make ends meet (at some point just trying to survive) and be the best mother and person I can be while working at least one full time job, maintaining a household and striving desperately to gain some sense of myself. I've never felt regret for having to do this on my own because it is a journey for both Max AND myself and he is as pivotal to my life experience as I am to his.
I am not bitter toward this man for my journey, nor would I change even one step along the way. I am enraged because this man is neglecting my child. For each month he opts NOT to pay child support, it makes life harder on us and my stress level goes up. For each time he makes some half-assed move to actually be something, kind of sort of like a father to Max, it almost always ends up in heart break and disappointment for Max. I'm pissed off as hell that Sean doesn't see the value in trying to support his own child and I know in my heart of hearts, he thinks I'm trying to take advantage of him by asking for $300 measly freaking dollars a month. YOU ASSHOLE! Is your fragile little ego still so broken that you don't realize that your hurting Max when you think your hurting me? Damn you Sean. Damn you for inflicting suffering on an a total innocent in the situation. I don't' know if I can ever, ever forgive you for that. Ever. Your soul will bare the burden for the rest of your life Max's emotional outcomes from this, but I will be the one to hold his hand and dry his tears and take the blame for everything difficult in his life until he's able to realize that he does actually have two biological parents. But, as we all know, having sex and creating a baby with another person does not a parent make. If you think your lack of involvement doesn't get to him, you are wrong. Some days I want to scream and cry and throw a fit for him because I have a pretty good sense of what he's feeling right now. And let me tell you something, it hurts like bloody hell and I am furious with you for not doing more for this child who only wants an occasional phone call or god forbid that you actually pay the measly pittance of a child support order we've been given to help support him in some way. You really are a giant asshole. At least come up with a better excuse than you can't "afford" it right now? You can't afford $300 a month? And you have no rent of your own to pay and it's just you taking care of yourself. Are you kidding me? Not even in my most desperate times has Max gone without because I couldn't "afford" it. I will always be able to "afford" the one thing in my life that deserves to be afforded everything he needs and desires. Did I mention you really are an asshole? Name calling, I know, not very mature....but I don't feel very mature right now. I'm sick and tired of your whining and excuses. You've made a total of 2 whole child support payments in the 15 years Max has been alive, 2, that's it. You put Max and I through the humiliation of having to PROVE that Max is your child just to get a few hundred bucks out of you? What kind of message do you think that sends to Max? And now, your claiming that financial distress? I don't buy it. At all. I have never understood you, how you could be such a giant jerk to me through all these years and completely ignore your son and then feign surprise when I'm less than pleasant with you. Truly, the nerve of these men from my past is incomprehensible. Like it boggles the mind and the shear gall.
What doesn't boggle my mind is that we've made it this far without you and you really are pretty irrelevant at this point. In fact, it's probably more accurate to say that Max and I've made it this far BECAUSE we've been without you. I can handle this with Max, I've been 'handling' it for a long long time now and we don't need your silly money OR for you to suddenly decide to become a father to Max. It's too late for a lot of that, he's almost a man Sean and in case you've forgotten....I vowed to never ever allow my son to be abused by you. And I absolutely will not allow it now.
I will never keep Max from you, if he wants to get to know you, fine. You know that. I've always allowed the visits as long as they were safe and I've given you as much opportunity as can be expected by a single mother in this position. But I don't have to take your abuse nor will I allow you to disappoint Max. I've said it before and I'll say it again, my anger toward you for what you've done to our son is ONLY surpassed by my love for our son and I've been given the insight and knowledge to know how to 'handle' things. I've put this all out to the Universe in the hopes that I may find further forgiveness for you. But, now I can also say that I pray that Max can some day forgive you. I do not envy you in this life time, you are facing a long long road with a child who's only wanted your love and attention. Let me also put this out there to Max:
Son, I love you more than life itself. I've dropped the ball myself through the years, I haven't always known what to do or how to approach every situation very well; but the light and love you bring to this world and to me is brighter and stronger than all of this hurt and pain and darkness that comes to us in this journey. You can't understand this now, but you will some day. I'm sure of it, and until then I'm going to be there. Whether you like it or not, you are stuck with me. This is what you've got and it may not always be enough, but it's more than a lot. I too am growing and getting stronger every day and you'd be amazed at what I can endure. Remember to be easy on yourself and some day, you'll learn to be easy on me and your dad too, even if you can never imagine that now. It's true. You'll find it in your heart to forgive him. And me too and when you do, it will free us both tremendously. I know that for sure. Love ya kid, you rock!
Rant over, sorry if this has been painful or offensive. I needed to get it out of me before it started to boil like one of those cartoon tea kettles that gets all red and explodes with steam pouring out. Now, I feel more able to move forward without myself, acting like a total asshole.
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