Yesterday was a bad Chance day. They are about 90% gone for the most part, thank goodness and I'm not totally sure what sparks them, but every now and then I find myself feeling the pangs of ego and aches of betrayal. Most notable, are the feelings of total humiliation, shame and self-loathing I feel for my own role in the scenario and how it will be affecting me for many many years to come. I feel incredibly stupid, beyond stupid.....it's hard to explain. And it is still very difficult for me to understand his actions, or lack thereof I should say. Does he have no conscious? I'm sure he's justified stealing the bike and not paying for it in his mind somehow. He's justified quitting his job so he wouldn't have to pay the money he owed for all the bounced checks he wrote to me. I'm sure he's somehow written off stealing from Max. "It's just an XBox!" I can hear him saying. But it's not really, it's some shady ass behavior if you ask me. Max was an innocent in this scenario, but Chance was never able to fully reconcile that with himself. Last night, I had this absolutely HORRID revelation that I had suspected Chance's eye was wandering early in 2007, which was after a particularly bad period between us in which I did talk to him about moving out and that I wasn't sure the relationship was working. Of course, his response was that he was sorry, he loved me, and wanted it all so badly and that he would try and I agreed to try again as well. The irony was, that it was shortly after this promise of renewed dedication and love in my direction, was about the time I began to suspect him of cheating. I convinced myself he would never do that, because I truly did trust him (at the time) in that regard. Out of all the men I've dated in my life, Chance was the ONE guy I would never thought would actually do something like that. There are many things I didn't think he would do that he did in the end and that is where the lingering feelings of betrayal come into play. Trust can be a fragile thing and while I know that both of us were on unhappy in the end and it was time to end the relationship (a good 6 - 9 months before we actually did) I feel that the situation was handled extremely poorly and doubt I will ever see any kind of effort on his part to take responsibility for the financial effects his choices have had on my family. Again, it's hard for me to understand how someone can simply just walk away from the ones commitments in such a manner and never look back or even make an attempt to reconcile the situation. To me, it speaks volumes about where he's at in his mind and it's quite sad really, he's still very much a small child in a rapidly aging mans body.
When I think of the manipulations, that I can now see...it's pretty horrifying. I remembering a situation with his mother, fairly early in our relationship, where he was trying to talk her into buying a VERY expensive bicycle for him. She resisted, he persisted. I remember feeling uneasy about what I was seeing, how it seemed he was trying to wear her down and actually threw something of a fit when she finally put her foot down and said no. Like a spoiled little boy. I sort of dismissed it later, remember, I was MADLY in love with this man at one point. Wildly, madly and ridiculously in love and love is beyond blind. This kind of love is the kind that makes you do some pretty dumb shit, at least I did. Little did I know that it wouldn't be long before I would be the target of this same kind of manipulation and let me tell you, I now realize that Chance spent many many months, close to 6 or more, wearing me down in more than one way. Emotionally, physically and mentally....by the Spring of 2007. I was very literally exhausted by him and the entire situation occurring in my home. Then he began badgering me about co-signing on the bike. I told him out rightly that I didn't want to do it. He persisted. And persisted. And persisted more for a good 2 months. What a total and complete fool I was and I assure you, if my mind had been clearer, I would've been able to clearly give him the boot. I can now see that he contributed immensely to my lack of clarity at the time. I could just kick myself now, because it was about this time last year that things were getting really difficult at home with him and it was at about this time that he began to really put the pressure on about the bike. He was, in essence, manipulating me in every possible way he could think of to get his way. Ranging from total love and adoration to withdrawing and with-holding love completely from me and being incredibly cold, basically implying that I didn't love him if I didn't help him, etc.
It his pattern, as I understand it. This kind of thing has been going on with his mother for years and other friends as well. In essence, he is a con man. A shyster. And for all his talk of love and respect for women, I truly wonder if he's more of a misogynist than a lover of females. He see's the women in his life as objects, as a means to end and that's about it. He plays a good game at first, but in the end, he ends up screwing over everyone he's involved with. And how I fell for it, I do not know. I wish I could blame it on being young and naive, but I cannot. I was 28 when I met Chance and a single mother all that time, I should have known better. I certainly do now, that's for certain.
Sigh.
Luckily, I rarely find myself in this headspace any more. More so, I find myself finally acknowledging that I feel a sense of hollowness internally, that a part of me has died. Perhaps it was the idealist in me, the girl who trusted too easily and gave too much always because that is all I've ever known. That girl believed, that basically, all people are good in their hearts. I still believe that, but I'd be lying if I said my heart wasn't totally cynical in ways I never imagined and the idea of ever becoming involved with anyone again on a romantic level is totally unthinkable to me. Truly, like I can't even fathom the concept of putting energy into another person. Which makes me a little sad because I love being in love and I believe I have alot to offer, but I've grown into a place of comfortable acceptance that I may spend the remainder of my life single and happily so.
The positive outcomes of this relationship and it's related scenario's are many. I finally realized just how strong I really am and that not one single person on this planet has the right to look down upon me, make me feel inferior or less than and that I won't take being treated with anything less than respect from anyone from this point forward. It took getting beat to shit (again, funny how that works out? Maybe I'm the misogynist?) to really get it that my ability to endure pain and loss is extremely high, to see my value and worth and to come to terms with a lot of crap I have about men. Which, I will likely be working on for the rest of my life in some manner. Bottom line really is that this experience has made me a much stronger, more self confident and capable woman. Certainly my self esteem has suffered, I mean it's been pretty intense and there are some results from this situation that I have to deal with (i.e, weight, eating like shit and drinking too much) that are having an effect on me still. But I figure that will all come with time, I'm getting there. It took me 3 years to get to the place I'm at now, it's going to take some time to elevate rather than deviate.
It is encouraging to me that I continue to take lessons from this experience, that I continue to find new revelations. I don't feel particularly bitter really, I have days trust me. But mostly, I think I am mending about to be as expected. My goal is to take from this and move on, continue to live my life the best that I can. And while I've needed some time to process and be in solitude for my own purposes, I continue to feel myself beginning to put my feelers back out to the world and life again. One thing for sure that I've learned from this whole thing is that the moment I excepted responsibility for my own happiness and growth was the same moment I began to feel alive again. I no longer feel alone in this world, because I feel wholly loved by God and The Universe and my cat and my dear dear friends and family and of course Max. But mostly, I'm finally starting to love myself again and that's a good place to be. Forgiveness of one's self seems to be the hardest and most energy consuming, but I'm getting there:)
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Thank you, whoever you are:)
Dedicated to the black Toyota Tacoma that graciously allowed me over at a moments notice when a huge semi came barreling down the highway and began veering into my lane as he passed me today. I don't know who you are, but I absolutely must openly thank you because you may very well have saved someones life today.
Takes a sec to load.....FYI
http://www.spike.com/video/2667771
Takes a sec to load.....FYI
http://www.spike.com/video/2667771
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Gaia Kitty Update
I am happy to report that thanks to some much needed assistance from Crystal and Dane, Gaia was able to have the procedure she needed yesterday to address the abscess wound issue and she is on the mend. She is heavily medicated of course, and isolated from the family (as I think she prefers at the moment) for the next few days, but she is expected to make a full recovery. The wound has a drain in it to help alleviate pressure and drain the infection. The antibiotics are already making a huge difference and her fever has subsided. She came through the surgery and being anestitized just fine, the vet said she had no problems waking up and came through the entire procedure as well as can be expected. Gaia will have a big yucky wound for a while, but she's going to be ok.
I can't thank Crystal and Dane enough, as I keep telling them, thank you's only mean so much. Thanking them really doesn't express my gratitude. Gaia is safe and getting healthy now, which is a huge relief and for that, I am truly greatful to them for helping us out with this emergency situation.
I'm off now to wipe the drool from Gaia's cute little mouth, the pain medication makes her drool really bad. It's pretty humorous and now that Gaia is safe, I can kind of giggle at the big clown collar she's got around her neck and the drooling :)
I can't thank Crystal and Dane enough, as I keep telling them, thank you's only mean so much. Thanking them really doesn't express my gratitude. Gaia is safe and getting healthy now, which is a huge relief and for that, I am truly greatful to them for helping us out with this emergency situation.
I'm off now to wipe the drool from Gaia's cute little mouth, the pain medication makes her drool really bad. It's pretty humorous and now that Gaia is safe, I can kind of giggle at the big clown collar she's got around her neck and the drooling :)
Thursday, February 21, 2008
The Day The Won't End!
This feels like the day that never ends. Work was less than pleasant and I got a frantic phone call from Max saying that Gaia had puss leaking out all over on her back and she was very cranky and wouldn’t let Max get near her, hiding under a chair and hissing. Gaia has an attitude, that’s for certain, but this is definitely not normal.
I come home and find a cat that clearly needs to go to the vet immediately. I think to myself, when was the last time I even saw Gaia eat or drink or use the litter box? I than realize she was in the same spot as she was this morning when I left for work and looked visibly in pain.
I call the vet frantically and they say they have no appointments, but I can bring her in to the kitty ER for $100.00 up front, no billing allowed for ER visits. I didn’t have a choice. Gaia gets wrapped up into towel and I try to think of what could’ve happened. She was out all day on Tuesday and after I thought it, she came in Tuesday afternoon and I really hadn’t seen her much since then. She’s obviously been in some kind of brawl or got into something, thus the puss. We get her to the vet, they take her back immediately and Max and I sit down to wait. I fill out paper work and wait some more.
30 mins later, vet comes out to announce that Gaia has a large abscess, most likely some kind of puncture wound that we didn’t catch in the past that had become infected. Wondering if this was the same spot she’d gotten bitten on late last year that I thought had healed up perfectly fine, there’s been no open wound or anything creepy except a small patch of skin that appeared to be missing some fur. I figured it just wasn’t growing back or something and she’s been acting perfectly fine, high energy etc, I would’ve had no reason to believe that there was anything wrong with her.
Vet says Gaia is going to need anesthetic, heavy antibiotic treatment and they would need to irrigate the wound to ensure they get all the bacteria out. I think ok, let’s do it! She says, ok, it’s going to be about $500. I began to cry uncontrollably. I asked them if they could work out a payment plan or something, she said they could take my application for Pet Insurance and if I qualified that would pay for it and then I would pay them back each month.
I knew they wouldn’t approve me, but I tried anyway. Within 10 mins of submitting my application, the answer was obviously no and guess why? Because I have a freaking repossession now on my record. Guess what folks, that’s basically credit murder and guess WHY I have repossession on my credit? Yeah, well we all know the story. Freaking jerk. This was my first real taste of what life will be like without access to any kind of credit. I had a moment of sheer rage toward you know who, feeling all the years of my hard work to establish my credit and get my life together all shot to shit over selfish assholes inability to be responsible or even try to rectify his choices. I can’t dwell on WHY things are the way they are now….but for brief moment I thought to myself, if my cat dies because I couldn’t get the credit I needed to save her life, it is one more innocent life affected by Chance’s super shitty choices and I am the one left holding the bill and the responsibility of all of it.....my plan for forgiveness may take longer than expected.
Vet said without the pet insurance, there was nothing they could do. She found some pain medication and antibiotics that are left over from other pets who’d passed away while in pet hospice and that was about the best she could do for today. They gave me phone #’s of lots of places who might be able to work with me. I called them all, 4 different places in the Denver Metro area who provide pet care for low income families and NOT ONE OF THEM will cut me a break. I make too much money. Isn’t that a bitch? I am a single, working mother who is lucky to see a dime out of her baby’s daddy and was left about $20k in debt by a man who claimed to love her but walked away without ever looking back. Yes, I am bitter today at myself for making some ridiculously stupid decisions and at these asshole men for being born without a conscious. Cowards. Max and I have suffered enough, this feels like icing on the cake and you may wonder why I am going there…but let me tell you something, I’ve worked my ass off to build a life for my son and myself and pulled myself up out of debt before. All that work, is gone. Nothing. Means nothing. And when I need it the most, I have no resources to fall back on. None. And this a vet bill. Not even the worst possible scenario. Though, the idea of my cat dying a preventable death feels like a pretty awful scenario.
Wow.
Besides the guilt that OBVIOULSY I must be the worst kitty mommy that ever existed because of this wound and my not realizing it was anything serious at all, I am now faced with a choice. I can get behind on my mortgage (from which I would never catch up) OR I can basically allow my cat to die a slow painful death. Or I can take her to the animal shelter and they’ll euthanize her, which is absurd because this is totally treatable and survivable. It’s not like she has terminal cancer or something. She’s got an abscessed wound from a cat or dog fight, it happens all the time. It could be something older, it could’ve happened in the past week. Vet said it was probably pretty recent, if it was anything older than a few weeks should’ve been sick a long time ago. The idea of putting Gaia to sleep is not thinkable to me. Gaia is 2.5 years old. A baby in kitty years. Some choice.
And the worst part is, I’ve got about 3 days to figure it out because that’s about how much pain medication and antibiotics I have.
I am slammed at work, I have to finish cleaning the apartment on Saturday.
I’ve cried a lot, I needed to vent. I feel a little better now. I don’t know what I’m going to do, but I’ll figure it out. I always do. I feel kind of angry at the moment, probably b/c this the first real instance in which I needed emergency credit and there’s no access to and I’m broke. I just paid up all my bills, I’m all caught up on everything. But I can’t come up with the money to cover my cats vet bills.
Sigh. At least Gaia is comfortable for tonight. She’s all drugged up, the pain medication they gave her is pretty strong. She’s eating and drinking water and we have her isolated, which suits her just fine at the moment from what I can tell. She even looked me in the eye as I got her all set up, I promised her she would be ok. I hope I can live up to that promise. I have another pain medication injection to give her at midnight so she can sleep tonight. She’s such a sweet cat, really brave I think because I’m this has been bugging her for a while and we didn’t even know. It would be really great if someone would come up with the ability for our pets to communicate with us dumb ass humans now, thanks. Appreciate that!
I come home and find a cat that clearly needs to go to the vet immediately. I think to myself, when was the last time I even saw Gaia eat or drink or use the litter box? I than realize she was in the same spot as she was this morning when I left for work and looked visibly in pain.
I call the vet frantically and they say they have no appointments, but I can bring her in to the kitty ER for $100.00 up front, no billing allowed for ER visits. I didn’t have a choice. Gaia gets wrapped up into towel and I try to think of what could’ve happened. She was out all day on Tuesday and after I thought it, she came in Tuesday afternoon and I really hadn’t seen her much since then. She’s obviously been in some kind of brawl or got into something, thus the puss. We get her to the vet, they take her back immediately and Max and I sit down to wait. I fill out paper work and wait some more.
30 mins later, vet comes out to announce that Gaia has a large abscess, most likely some kind of puncture wound that we didn’t catch in the past that had become infected. Wondering if this was the same spot she’d gotten bitten on late last year that I thought had healed up perfectly fine, there’s been no open wound or anything creepy except a small patch of skin that appeared to be missing some fur. I figured it just wasn’t growing back or something and she’s been acting perfectly fine, high energy etc, I would’ve had no reason to believe that there was anything wrong with her.
Vet says Gaia is going to need anesthetic, heavy antibiotic treatment and they would need to irrigate the wound to ensure they get all the bacteria out. I think ok, let’s do it! She says, ok, it’s going to be about $500. I began to cry uncontrollably. I asked them if they could work out a payment plan or something, she said they could take my application for Pet Insurance and if I qualified that would pay for it and then I would pay them back each month.
I knew they wouldn’t approve me, but I tried anyway. Within 10 mins of submitting my application, the answer was obviously no and guess why? Because I have a freaking repossession now on my record. Guess what folks, that’s basically credit murder and guess WHY I have repossession on my credit? Yeah, well we all know the story. Freaking jerk. This was my first real taste of what life will be like without access to any kind of credit. I had a moment of sheer rage toward you know who, feeling all the years of my hard work to establish my credit and get my life together all shot to shit over selfish assholes inability to be responsible or even try to rectify his choices. I can’t dwell on WHY things are the way they are now….but for brief moment I thought to myself, if my cat dies because I couldn’t get the credit I needed to save her life, it is one more innocent life affected by Chance’s super shitty choices and I am the one left holding the bill and the responsibility of all of it.....my plan for forgiveness may take longer than expected.
Vet said without the pet insurance, there was nothing they could do. She found some pain medication and antibiotics that are left over from other pets who’d passed away while in pet hospice and that was about the best she could do for today. They gave me phone #’s of lots of places who might be able to work with me. I called them all, 4 different places in the Denver Metro area who provide pet care for low income families and NOT ONE OF THEM will cut me a break. I make too much money. Isn’t that a bitch? I am a single, working mother who is lucky to see a dime out of her baby’s daddy and was left about $20k in debt by a man who claimed to love her but walked away without ever looking back. Yes, I am bitter today at myself for making some ridiculously stupid decisions and at these asshole men for being born without a conscious. Cowards. Max and I have suffered enough, this feels like icing on the cake and you may wonder why I am going there…but let me tell you something, I’ve worked my ass off to build a life for my son and myself and pulled myself up out of debt before. All that work, is gone. Nothing. Means nothing. And when I need it the most, I have no resources to fall back on. None. And this a vet bill. Not even the worst possible scenario. Though, the idea of my cat dying a preventable death feels like a pretty awful scenario.
Wow.
Besides the guilt that OBVIOULSY I must be the worst kitty mommy that ever existed because of this wound and my not realizing it was anything serious at all, I am now faced with a choice. I can get behind on my mortgage (from which I would never catch up) OR I can basically allow my cat to die a slow painful death. Or I can take her to the animal shelter and they’ll euthanize her, which is absurd because this is totally treatable and survivable. It’s not like she has terminal cancer or something. She’s got an abscessed wound from a cat or dog fight, it happens all the time. It could be something older, it could’ve happened in the past week. Vet said it was probably pretty recent, if it was anything older than a few weeks should’ve been sick a long time ago. The idea of putting Gaia to sleep is not thinkable to me. Gaia is 2.5 years old. A baby in kitty years. Some choice.
And the worst part is, I’ve got about 3 days to figure it out because that’s about how much pain medication and antibiotics I have.
I am slammed at work, I have to finish cleaning the apartment on Saturday.
I’ve cried a lot, I needed to vent. I feel a little better now. I don’t know what I’m going to do, but I’ll figure it out. I always do. I feel kind of angry at the moment, probably b/c this the first real instance in which I needed emergency credit and there’s no access to and I’m broke. I just paid up all my bills, I’m all caught up on everything. But I can’t come up with the money to cover my cats vet bills.
Sigh. At least Gaia is comfortable for tonight. She’s all drugged up, the pain medication they gave her is pretty strong. She’s eating and drinking water and we have her isolated, which suits her just fine at the moment from what I can tell. She even looked me in the eye as I got her all set up, I promised her she would be ok. I hope I can live up to that promise. I have another pain medication injection to give her at midnight so she can sleep tonight. She’s such a sweet cat, really brave I think because I’m this has been bugging her for a while and we didn’t even know. It would be really great if someone would come up with the ability for our pets to communicate with us dumb ass humans now, thanks. Appreciate that!
Kate Bush - This Woman's Work
Dedicated to the incredible strength and perserverance of the women in my life who continue to inspire, motivate and amaze me. I honestly don't have the words when I think of what I've seen the woman in my life overcome, all that they have accomplished or are accomplishing, the tears and laughter we've shared. Kate Bush somehow brings this all to life in this song for me, it emotes the passion and love we share with the world and the pain we are able to endure.
I love you all.
Peck, you are all in my thoughts and prayers.
I love you all.
Peck, you are all in my thoughts and prayers.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Funkalicious
Mmmm, tired this morning. Really tired, my body aches and I feel like someone beat the living crap out of me. But it's all in the name of progress. I received an offer this weekend to clean two apartments with Kristen after the former tenants moved out for a fair amount and I would have been a fool to pass it up! So, I spent a good portion of my weekend performing physical labor I haven't experienced the likes of for a considerable amount of time. These homes are atrocious, to say the least and we are only about 1/3 of the way. But we made a good dent and there is something gratifying about tackling these projects.
I will spend this next week working with Kristen to get these jobs completed. I stand to be well compensated for hours of grueling work in a totally nasty environment. People actually lived in these houses, children. It's pretty upsetting actually. I am so grateful for what I have, my god. I am undeniabley blessed. So many in this world go without or don't have the knowledge to understand that allowing a bathroom to mold to that extent is a health hazard or that leaving an unsealed pound of hamburger in a refridgerator could kill you. Why this is, I don't know. Everyone should have access to this information.
Besides feeling so incredibly honored to have a beautiful home, the energy/money to keep it tidy and a child that isn't a destroyer by nature (mostly LOL), I was also reminded of how out of shape I am. My ankles still ache, my back feels like a pretzel and my arms are literally sore from all the scrubbing and heavy lifting. I am far too young to be this old and if I wasn't already motivated to do something about it, I feel it even more so now.
I am pretty sure that it's no coincidence that when one is ready, they are finally given the motivation to make changes in their lives. This past year I experienced a depression unlike any before it and certainly not anything like I've had in at least 5 years and before then only one other. I was flailing about, trying to save a relationship that was not only doomed to fail but in retrospect I was hanging on to out of my own fear (pashawwww, how I let that man control me!) and have since faced a plethora of challenges, betrayals, adversities and breakthroughs. Big big big stuff. I finally get it that I will be given what I need, when I need it. Funny how that works huh? Probably even more funny (to me) is that it's only taken me this long to accept and full embrace this, all the years I've fought it! Struggled. Swam against the tide. Letting all that go, just walking away from it....what a trip!
Maybe I should scrub out molded bathrooms and refridgerators more often? Perhaps I should consider scouring walls and flooors my therapy? I already do it at home. I'm telling ya, it's the little things! I will pass on the pretzel back though, if took a little less pressure off the front the back would probably be in a lot better shape! Though, I've grown fond of my little pouch. It's like an old friend to me now, I'll miss it. I will also miss the bootey I've got going, if there was a way I could be thinner everywhere else and keep the roundness of my butt as it currently exists, I'd be happy :) Some women achieve great things with booteys like this!
;-)
I will spend this next week working with Kristen to get these jobs completed. I stand to be well compensated for hours of grueling work in a totally nasty environment. People actually lived in these houses, children. It's pretty upsetting actually. I am so grateful for what I have, my god. I am undeniabley blessed. So many in this world go without or don't have the knowledge to understand that allowing a bathroom to mold to that extent is a health hazard or that leaving an unsealed pound of hamburger in a refridgerator could kill you. Why this is, I don't know. Everyone should have access to this information.
Besides feeling so incredibly honored to have a beautiful home, the energy/money to keep it tidy and a child that isn't a destroyer by nature (mostly LOL), I was also reminded of how out of shape I am. My ankles still ache, my back feels like a pretzel and my arms are literally sore from all the scrubbing and heavy lifting. I am far too young to be this old and if I wasn't already motivated to do something about it, I feel it even more so now.
I am pretty sure that it's no coincidence that when one is ready, they are finally given the motivation to make changes in their lives. This past year I experienced a depression unlike any before it and certainly not anything like I've had in at least 5 years and before then only one other. I was flailing about, trying to save a relationship that was not only doomed to fail but in retrospect I was hanging on to out of my own fear (pashawwww, how I let that man control me!) and have since faced a plethora of challenges, betrayals, adversities and breakthroughs. Big big big stuff. I finally get it that I will be given what I need, when I need it. Funny how that works huh? Probably even more funny (to me) is that it's only taken me this long to accept and full embrace this, all the years I've fought it! Struggled. Swam against the tide. Letting all that go, just walking away from it....what a trip!
Maybe I should scrub out molded bathrooms and refridgerators more often? Perhaps I should consider scouring walls and flooors my therapy? I already do it at home. I'm telling ya, it's the little things! I will pass on the pretzel back though, if took a little less pressure off the front the back would probably be in a lot better shape! Though, I've grown fond of my little pouch. It's like an old friend to me now, I'll miss it. I will also miss the bootey I've got going, if there was a way I could be thinner everywhere else and keep the roundness of my butt as it currently exists, I'd be happy :) Some women achieve great things with booteys like this!
;-)
Friday, February 15, 2008
A Whole Week And No Blogg? For Shame!
I've not been particularly motivated to write recently. Or not the energy to do so I suppose. It's been pretty busy this week, wrapping up contract work and looking for that second job. Work and running errands and life too, don't forget about LIFE outside of the every day mainstream stuff. Which mostly consists of alot sleeping, reading and avoiding my phone which STILL blows up all day long because of you know who. Oh well. But, I'll at least a few moments to update on items of interest to me:
- Today I booked reservations to WA in June 2008. THIS is probably the most eventful and positively exciting thing to come around in a while. I've been in a great mood ever since I clicked "Purchase Now!" and received the confirmation for my tickets. Happy happy sigh:) I am also excited cuz Mss Sweet P will be here in March for a long weekend and Crys is talking long weekend later in the year, just her. I am not sure how much my poor heart can take!
- Today I also said goodbye to Rhy, I am saddened by this but am happy for him. I am confident we will remain friends outside of work, but I will miss seeing him each day. He brings a certain amount of clarity and happiness to my daily world and I've appreciated him greatly for that. He became a very close male friend to me, one who is very much able to be both impartial and partial with me. It's nice to have an objective person who adores you but can still tell you how it is (from their perspective) and it's been nice to share a close bond with a male that did not feel complicated or otherwise confusing. Plus, I will miss our sushi dates. We had one final hoorah at a place up the street we like (Whhhooooa nelly, the unagi was slammin'!) and I got hugs from him and Margaret and that was that. His cube is bare and I can definably already sense the sadness of those he managed. He's a fantastic employee and his team will suffer from his departure, there is now doubt about it. PDC is definitely going to notice his absence, that's for sure.
- I finished up my contract job and my client scared up another $100 for me at the last minute as a way to let me know she appreciated my efforts. That was most excellent, I must say. It is affirming to have ones work acknowledged, appreciated and recognized.
- I landed an early hour paper route. I am supposed to start March 10th. I may have bitten off more than I can chew on this one and luckily still have the option to back out. I have to be at the delivery center by 4:00 am, which is about 20 mins from my house and have the entire route finished by 5:30 AM. This means I will be up at about 3:15 AM. So if I am lucky, I'll get about 6 or 7 hours of sleep each night AND this is EVERY day. It's not just like Monday - Friday, it's 7 days a week. I am still mulling it over, the pay is decent and it's something Max could help me out with but I have visions of myself in a zombie like state in less than a month of this kind of schedule. We'll see. Plus, the idea of not even having one day off from this sounds a little overwhelming. I may have already talked myself out of it, I'm not sure.
- Recently, I've rediscovered the Indigo Girls. While I've always liked what I'd heard on the radio, I never took the time to really explore their music. Until now. And I'm happy that I did, I find myself intensely moved by the lyrics, harmonies and acoustic guitar. These women are in love with their craft and it is clear in every single song I've heard thus far. I have a hard time getting through a lot of their songs without crying, sometimes so much so that I arrive in the land of the "Ugly Cry" and my nose runs and eyes get red and everything. They have opened a virtual flood gate of emotion for me and it's affected me on a level I've not felt in a long long time. Feeling that fire of passion again, it's pretty exhilarating. Some of it is painful, alot of it is actually. But I feel that like alot of the art, literature and music I've come across in the past several months, it has come to me during this time in my life to actively play a part in each emotional breakthrough.
- One song in particular that pulls all this really intense stuff out of me is "Prince Of Darkness." To me it is a song about how must make real effort to keep ourselves in the light with so much darkness that surrounds us, waiting to gobble us up. It reminds me to stay strong and try to remember how lucky I am to be here AND how loved we all truly are.
You can listen to it here:
http://www.last.fm/music/Indigo+Girls/_/Prince+of+Darkness
and the lyrics here:
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/indigogirls/princeofdarkness.html
I would encourage you to take a listen if you don't know it, it could perhaps help me to share with others how strongly these songs move and me and why.
Friday, February 08, 2008
Slightly Foul - But NOt For Much Longer
I've been slightly foul this week. In a funky funk. Sadly, anxiety and depression are real things and don't simply dissipate because one wills it so. Between the 2 weeks of upper respitory/sinus/ear infection; coming to terms with some hard realities and attempting to work and parent a teenager in the midst of it all, I'm a touch worn down. I'm only human, of flesh and blood I'm made.....whoa, 80's flashback. :) Anyway, yeah...I'm a little wiped out, but I tell ya, not anything I can't handle because one thing I've learned how to manage in this past year of rollercoaster rides is how to keep my head on (mostly) straight in the midst of challenge. Remaining calm is pretty critical, I have to say b/c when I get overly excited it's not good and my heart races and Max get's all whacked out from that energy and my work suffers also. So, I have to be on the level yo.
One might wonder what it is that helps keep a girl on such a level? Strange, I know....but I clean and clean and clean my house. Top to bottom, organize, scrub, shine and wax. I vacuum cob webs and wash walls and open up all the windows even if it's cold. I listen to my iPod and drink cheap beer and boogy with my broom. I shoo the critters off to other rooms (i.e....6 foot tall teenager who follows me around, 1 gorgeous yet grumpy ass cat who cusses when 'gently' prodded to move out of the way off the stair case and 1 puppy who insists on being under foot especially if I am any where near the kitchen) and make it clear that I'm cleaning and should be left alone. I am, what is commonly known as a periodic Type A personality. Or manic, I'm not sure. I attack my house like it's the enemy and it comes out sparkling and making me feel on the level. I'm no dummy either, I no exactly why I do this. Because it's an activity that is completely within my control and I can equally control the results. It's something I can do to make my life feel a little more sane, a little more "normalized" and I love love LOVE the feeling of freshly cleaned home. It is a simple pleasure I enjoy tremendously. Plus, it sort of lets me tune out my life for half a day and focus the things in my life that are incredible. My family, my home, the fact that my body is still able to work and feel the reward of physical activity. For 4 or 5 hours, I can just totally exist in my own insanity...sometimes it's mindless and I don't even realize I'm doing it and sometimes I have great intent and focus; either way it's strangely meditative for me.
Most people think I'm a total whacko. I know, I get that and trust me, I don't always go into this mode and approach cleaning my house like it's the best thing I've done in months. Nope, but today....I'm excited to get home and get moving. In one hour I will leave work, drop by the store to stock up on a few cleaning products (vinegar, it's your best friend - seriously!) and go home to an afternoon of existing in my own bliss. I will not hear my phone, the dog can bark and Max can give me the stink eye all he wants. I will be absorbed in my moment of clarity, however brief it might be and simply be happy. Plus, it's a good work out...can't go wrong there.
I took half a day off to go do my thing and catch up on my life for the day. Then I have FINALLY reached the end stages of this contract job and will finish that up tomorrow. Sunday, I will be outside playing with the critters and taking naps.
I should be a new woman by Monday!
WOOP WOOP
One might wonder what it is that helps keep a girl on such a level? Strange, I know....but I clean and clean and clean my house. Top to bottom, organize, scrub, shine and wax. I vacuum cob webs and wash walls and open up all the windows even if it's cold. I listen to my iPod and drink cheap beer and boogy with my broom. I shoo the critters off to other rooms (i.e....6 foot tall teenager who follows me around, 1 gorgeous yet grumpy ass cat who cusses when 'gently' prodded to move out of the way off the stair case and 1 puppy who insists on being under foot especially if I am any where near the kitchen) and make it clear that I'm cleaning and should be left alone. I am, what is commonly known as a periodic Type A personality. Or manic, I'm not sure. I attack my house like it's the enemy and it comes out sparkling and making me feel on the level. I'm no dummy either, I no exactly why I do this. Because it's an activity that is completely within my control and I can equally control the results. It's something I can do to make my life feel a little more sane, a little more "normalized" and I love love LOVE the feeling of freshly cleaned home. It is a simple pleasure I enjoy tremendously. Plus, it sort of lets me tune out my life for half a day and focus the things in my life that are incredible. My family, my home, the fact that my body is still able to work and feel the reward of physical activity. For 4 or 5 hours, I can just totally exist in my own insanity...sometimes it's mindless and I don't even realize I'm doing it and sometimes I have great intent and focus; either way it's strangely meditative for me.
Most people think I'm a total whacko. I know, I get that and trust me, I don't always go into this mode and approach cleaning my house like it's the best thing I've done in months. Nope, but today....I'm excited to get home and get moving. In one hour I will leave work, drop by the store to stock up on a few cleaning products (vinegar, it's your best friend - seriously!) and go home to an afternoon of existing in my own bliss. I will not hear my phone, the dog can bark and Max can give me the stink eye all he wants. I will be absorbed in my moment of clarity, however brief it might be and simply be happy. Plus, it's a good work out...can't go wrong there.
I took half a day off to go do my thing and catch up on my life for the day. Then I have FINALLY reached the end stages of this contract job and will finish that up tomorrow. Sunday, I will be outside playing with the critters and taking naps.
I should be a new woman by Monday!
WOOP WOOP
Thursday, February 07, 2008
Book Food
The challenge:
This blog entry is intended to serve as an ongoing 'must read' list. My hope is that you, loyal reader, will particpate in populating this list so that we may share the literature that moves us with one another.
I will update regularly, so please be sure to bookmark this particular blog entry for future reference should you be interested.
Sarah's Recommendations:
This blog entry is intended to serve as an ongoing 'must read' list. My hope is that you, loyal reader, will particpate in populating this list so that we may share the literature that moves us with one another.
I will update regularly, so please be sure to bookmark this particular blog entry for future reference should you be interested.
Sarah's Recommendations:
- Eat, Pray, Love
Elizabeth Gilbert
http://www.amazon.com/Eat-Pray-Love-Everything-Indonesia/dp/0670034711
Quite possibley one of my favorite books of all time, I am reading it right now for the 2nd time in 6 weeks. I am essentially obsessed and having a mad love affair with this book and intend to until I find whatever it is that I'm looking for that keeps driving me back to it. This was the first book I'd ever read that said, as explicity as I've always believed about fundamental truths being written on our heart. - The Time Travelers Wife
Audrey Niffenegger
http://www.amazon.com/Time-Travelers-Wife-Audrey-Niffenegger/dp/015602943X
Changed my entire perspective about the concept of love and how it transcends time and personal experience. - Blue Shoe
Anne Lamott
http://www.amazon.com/Blue-Shoe-Anne-Lamott/dp/1573223425
I love Anne, she rocks. - The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time
Mark Haddon
http://www.amazon.com/Curious-Incident-Night-Time-Today-Show/dp/0385512104
Fascinating story narrated by a young autistic boy. - When The Messenger Is Hot
Elizabeth Crane
http://www.amazon.com/When-Messenger-Hot-Elizabeth-Crane/dp/0316608467
Pretty hip chick lit. Each short story reads like a novel, thoroughly detailed and captivating. - Lovingkindness: The Revolutionary Art of Happiness
Sharon Salzberg
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1590301870/ref=pd_cp_b_0?pf_rd_p=317711001&pf_rd_s=center-41&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_i=1570621764&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_r=0JKZ27ESBC5QJSBNWG6F
I think this is a must read, no matter what your spiritual beliefs. The author is Buddhist and does visit Buddhist teachings throughout the book, but I do not believe the intent to educate users on Buddhism, rather to share concepts that we can all relate to within. The meditative practice described in this book stems from the Metta form of meditation and I think it's something anyone can practice and incorporate into their lives daily. If I were only so good doing so myself! - The Prophet
Kahil Gibran
http://www.amazon.com/Prophet-Kahlil-Gibran/dp/0394404289
Kahil Gibran is something you must experience, it's not something that can be defined by another person. I beleive this book to be a personal experience, but one I would highly recommend.
A good beginning I'd say.....
Acceptance Or Apathy, I'm Not Sure
It's been a rough few days, emotionally. I don't really have the energy to rehash it,so I thought I'd share part of an email thread between myself and Mary, which I guess sort of wraps up where things are at the moment.
Anyway, from last night:
I've reached a sort of agreement with myself and the Universe about these situations in my life. Yes, this thing with Chance and Sean, these ARE unfair things. No one would or even could deny this as fact. But this changes nothing. I am still accountable for my roles in these scenario's. I still must do the 'right' thing and just move on from it., fair, just or not.
I'm at the point where I just can't put any more energy into allowing these things to effect me and sort of finally got it, that yeah...I can bitch and complain and point out to the world the realities that this is all a lot of bullshit, but it means nothing. These men, they will never get a clue or be held accountable. I just have to suck it up and be a big girl. Second job, working 60 hours a week and putting Max in the position of having to do more than is fair (this isn't new obviously for him) or not. My only real residual rage about this is the time it's taking away from my family, my son who is rapidly approaching manhood and I feel pissed that I might miss out on this. But if we want to keep this house and afford him the lifestyle he's used to (however pitiful) I have no choice and ultimately, I do this for Max. If I didn't care, we'd loose our house and the nice things we have and move into some shitty place and live like welfare babies. I can't do that to him again .
I feel like this sounds very martyr like - I want you to know it's not like that for me. It's an epiphany of sorts. I just know I'm done sitting around and waiting for these assholes to give me permission to make my (and my sons) life happen, like they are some how going to finally get it. Like Chance will suddenly come up w/ the money to take this off my shoulders and Max's dad will get a clue and realize that my finances are always devoted to paying for our son and how stupid that makes him, but that won't happen. I am the one who gets it, not them, and it's just time for me to move on with it. Plus, I've wallowed in some lame ass self pity and depression for almost a year of my life and there is no one alive that is worth that. Not Chance, not Sean, no one.
Wah wah.
This may sound negative, but it's not. Not really. I think I've just come to terms with what reality is and I know I must take the nessisary steps to rectify my current situation, certainley no one else can fix it for me, right?
Mary, of course, had some very powerful insight and her response at least gave me the knowledge that I'm not just giving in or up, just going to a different place emotionally on things and where you mind sits has EVERYTHING to do with outcomes that's for sure.
Monday, February 04, 2008
A Rant On The Trials & Tribulations Of Child Support And Absent Fathers
Certainly, there is little room for me to throw stones, curse or otherwise harbor resentment toward the father of my child. I have long since forgiven him for beating me, trying to infect me with whatever random disease he may have gotten from the many other women he slept with on a regular basis without protection or his utter lack of responsibility for his own actions from the brief life we shared together. Many moons ago, I took all that hate and rage and anger that wrestled around within me for this man and cast it out like the nasty little demon he was. Cast it all right out of my heart and forgave this man for all the scars, bruises and emotional agony I endured during and after my relationship with him.
However, I have not forgiven him for the effect his lack of responsibility, infantile behavior and any visible signs of remorse has had on our son. To say that this person is a thorn in my side would be accurate. He's like healing scab. Once an open, festering wound, now just an irritating reminder of what once was. To say that he is a variable thorn bush in Max's side would be an understatement. Max has been the one to suffer from Sean's utter lack of ability to contribute, in any tangible way to the health and well being of his own child. Yet, Sean would argue quite the opposite if given a willing ear. He would rave about all the money that Max and I cost him for the 1 year that Max was an infant and I was still too weak and incapable to leave him. He would claim that it was MY choice to take Max (if you calling almost being murdered in front of your 1 year old son a choice when considering leaving your boyfriend, yeah ok sure) and leave him and come back to Colorado and that I stole his only son. He would tell anyone that would listen how I am only out to 'scam' him out of money and that's all I've ever been about. He would preach about what a cruel, heartless bitch I am for 'keeping' his child from him all these years and a long slew of other things I probably can't even think of or care to know about. These are just the things I am aware of.
That's funny, because last I checked I'd been raising this child by myself since the age of 18 and never even asked him for a dime until 2 years ago when I was finally able to establish real contact with him and he had a stable address. I am also quite certain that I've never done even one thing to withhold Max from Sean, ever. Oh, except fleeing San Francisco with my 15 month old baby and 3 bags of clothing/toys in the hopes that I could create a life where Max wasn't going to see his parents strung out on drugs and his mom getting the living shit beat out of her by his father, which as we all know ends up in mostly bad ways. Duh, now I CAN see how Sean would take that as my trying to 'keep' Max from him. Of course he would, because he's an abuser and abusers have this sense of insane justice about the world and their ego's are almost as large, or larger than their rather vivid and wild imaginations. So, in Sean's world....yes, I am a raging, money grubbing gold digger and I literally stole Max right out from underneath him. Yep, walked away in the middle of the night.....like some secret baby ninja, out to steal HIS only child. It's a great perspective, gives Sean all the power to play the victim and makes ME out to be the bad guy. And the best part, is this way he never ever EVER has to be accountable for his actions then, or in the 15 years since. Woooweeee, doesn't that work out nicely for him? Very nice if you ask me.
Never mind that Sean hardly ever lifted a finger to help raise his infant son when we DID live with him, never mind the fact that since his father has been relatively missing except for the occasional "blow in like a tornado and stir things up" episode and never mind the fact really, I would never ask him for jack squat if he wanted to just disappear out of our lives for ever, that would probably be just fine with me. I only went after him for child support because he's suddenly claiming he wants to be involved in Max's life, have a 'relationship' etc..... This of course, is only if it's totally convenient for Sean. Like, you know....Max gets chauffeured to him in Wyoming, on HIS terms, when HE has time. And this would absolutely mean not EVER having to pay one red penny in child support because he's not really Max's 'dad' - they are just 'getting to know each other' etc.
Do I sound frustrated, maybe a little bitter? It's because I am. Not because I've struggled over half of my life to make ends meet (at some point just trying to survive) and be the best mother and person I can be while working at least one full time job, maintaining a household and striving desperately to gain some sense of myself. I've never felt regret for having to do this on my own because it is a journey for both Max AND myself and he is as pivotal to my life experience as I am to his.
I am not bitter toward this man for my journey, nor would I change even one step along the way. I am enraged because this man is neglecting my child. For each month he opts NOT to pay child support, it makes life harder on us and my stress level goes up. For each time he makes some half-assed move to actually be something, kind of sort of like a father to Max, it almost always ends up in heart break and disappointment for Max. I'm pissed off as hell that Sean doesn't see the value in trying to support his own child and I know in my heart of hearts, he thinks I'm trying to take advantage of him by asking for $300 measly freaking dollars a month. YOU ASSHOLE! Is your fragile little ego still so broken that you don't realize that your hurting Max when you think your hurting me? Damn you Sean. Damn you for inflicting suffering on an a total innocent in the situation. I don't' know if I can ever, ever forgive you for that. Ever. Your soul will bare the burden for the rest of your life Max's emotional outcomes from this, but I will be the one to hold his hand and dry his tears and take the blame for everything difficult in his life until he's able to realize that he does actually have two biological parents. But, as we all know, having sex and creating a baby with another person does not a parent make. If you think your lack of involvement doesn't get to him, you are wrong. Some days I want to scream and cry and throw a fit for him because I have a pretty good sense of what he's feeling right now. And let me tell you something, it hurts like bloody hell and I am furious with you for not doing more for this child who only wants an occasional phone call or god forbid that you actually pay the measly pittance of a child support order we've been given to help support him in some way. You really are a giant asshole. At least come up with a better excuse than you can't "afford" it right now? You can't afford $300 a month? And you have no rent of your own to pay and it's just you taking care of yourself. Are you kidding me? Not even in my most desperate times has Max gone without because I couldn't "afford" it. I will always be able to "afford" the one thing in my life that deserves to be afforded everything he needs and desires. Did I mention you really are an asshole? Name calling, I know, not very mature....but I don't feel very mature right now. I'm sick and tired of your whining and excuses. You've made a total of 2 whole child support payments in the 15 years Max has been alive, 2, that's it. You put Max and I through the humiliation of having to PROVE that Max is your child just to get a few hundred bucks out of you? What kind of message do you think that sends to Max? And now, your claiming that financial distress? I don't buy it. At all. I have never understood you, how you could be such a giant jerk to me through all these years and completely ignore your son and then feign surprise when I'm less than pleasant with you. Truly, the nerve of these men from my past is incomprehensible. Like it boggles the mind and the shear gall.
What doesn't boggle my mind is that we've made it this far without you and you really are pretty irrelevant at this point. In fact, it's probably more accurate to say that Max and I've made it this far BECAUSE we've been without you. I can handle this with Max, I've been 'handling' it for a long long time now and we don't need your silly money OR for you to suddenly decide to become a father to Max. It's too late for a lot of that, he's almost a man Sean and in case you've forgotten....I vowed to never ever allow my son to be abused by you. And I absolutely will not allow it now.
I will never keep Max from you, if he wants to get to know you, fine. You know that. I've always allowed the visits as long as they were safe and I've given you as much opportunity as can be expected by a single mother in this position. But I don't have to take your abuse nor will I allow you to disappoint Max. I've said it before and I'll say it again, my anger toward you for what you've done to our son is ONLY surpassed by my love for our son and I've been given the insight and knowledge to know how to 'handle' things. I've put this all out to the Universe in the hopes that I may find further forgiveness for you. But, now I can also say that I pray that Max can some day forgive you. I do not envy you in this life time, you are facing a long long road with a child who's only wanted your love and attention. Let me also put this out there to Max:
Son, I love you more than life itself. I've dropped the ball myself through the years, I haven't always known what to do or how to approach every situation very well; but the light and love you bring to this world and to me is brighter and stronger than all of this hurt and pain and darkness that comes to us in this journey. You can't understand this now, but you will some day. I'm sure of it, and until then I'm going to be there. Whether you like it or not, you are stuck with me. This is what you've got and it may not always be enough, but it's more than a lot. I too am growing and getting stronger every day and you'd be amazed at what I can endure. Remember to be easy on yourself and some day, you'll learn to be easy on me and your dad too, even if you can never imagine that now. It's true. You'll find it in your heart to forgive him. And me too and when you do, it will free us both tremendously. I know that for sure. Love ya kid, you rock!
Rant over, sorry if this has been painful or offensive. I needed to get it out of me before it started to boil like one of those cartoon tea kettles that gets all red and explodes with steam pouring out. Now, I feel more able to move forward without myself, acting like a total asshole.
However, I have not forgiven him for the effect his lack of responsibility, infantile behavior and any visible signs of remorse has had on our son. To say that this person is a thorn in my side would be accurate. He's like healing scab. Once an open, festering wound, now just an irritating reminder of what once was. To say that he is a variable thorn bush in Max's side would be an understatement. Max has been the one to suffer from Sean's utter lack of ability to contribute, in any tangible way to the health and well being of his own child. Yet, Sean would argue quite the opposite if given a willing ear. He would rave about all the money that Max and I cost him for the 1 year that Max was an infant and I was still too weak and incapable to leave him. He would claim that it was MY choice to take Max (if you calling almost being murdered in front of your 1 year old son a choice when considering leaving your boyfriend, yeah ok sure) and leave him and come back to Colorado and that I stole his only son. He would tell anyone that would listen how I am only out to 'scam' him out of money and that's all I've ever been about. He would preach about what a cruel, heartless bitch I am for 'keeping' his child from him all these years and a long slew of other things I probably can't even think of or care to know about. These are just the things I am aware of.
That's funny, because last I checked I'd been raising this child by myself since the age of 18 and never even asked him for a dime until 2 years ago when I was finally able to establish real contact with him and he had a stable address. I am also quite certain that I've never done even one thing to withhold Max from Sean, ever. Oh, except fleeing San Francisco with my 15 month old baby and 3 bags of clothing/toys in the hopes that I could create a life where Max wasn't going to see his parents strung out on drugs and his mom getting the living shit beat out of her by his father, which as we all know ends up in mostly bad ways. Duh, now I CAN see how Sean would take that as my trying to 'keep' Max from him. Of course he would, because he's an abuser and abusers have this sense of insane justice about the world and their ego's are almost as large, or larger than their rather vivid and wild imaginations. So, in Sean's world....yes, I am a raging, money grubbing gold digger and I literally stole Max right out from underneath him. Yep, walked away in the middle of the night.....like some secret baby ninja, out to steal HIS only child. It's a great perspective, gives Sean all the power to play the victim and makes ME out to be the bad guy. And the best part, is this way he never ever EVER has to be accountable for his actions then, or in the 15 years since. Woooweeee, doesn't that work out nicely for him? Very nice if you ask me.
Never mind that Sean hardly ever lifted a finger to help raise his infant son when we DID live with him, never mind the fact that since his father has been relatively missing except for the occasional "blow in like a tornado and stir things up" episode and never mind the fact really, I would never ask him for jack squat if he wanted to just disappear out of our lives for ever, that would probably be just fine with me. I only went after him for child support because he's suddenly claiming he wants to be involved in Max's life, have a 'relationship' etc..... This of course, is only if it's totally convenient for Sean. Like, you know....Max gets chauffeured to him in Wyoming, on HIS terms, when HE has time. And this would absolutely mean not EVER having to pay one red penny in child support because he's not really Max's 'dad' - they are just 'getting to know each other' etc.
Do I sound frustrated, maybe a little bitter? It's because I am. Not because I've struggled over half of my life to make ends meet (at some point just trying to survive) and be the best mother and person I can be while working at least one full time job, maintaining a household and striving desperately to gain some sense of myself. I've never felt regret for having to do this on my own because it is a journey for both Max AND myself and he is as pivotal to my life experience as I am to his.
I am not bitter toward this man for my journey, nor would I change even one step along the way. I am enraged because this man is neglecting my child. For each month he opts NOT to pay child support, it makes life harder on us and my stress level goes up. For each time he makes some half-assed move to actually be something, kind of sort of like a father to Max, it almost always ends up in heart break and disappointment for Max. I'm pissed off as hell that Sean doesn't see the value in trying to support his own child and I know in my heart of hearts, he thinks I'm trying to take advantage of him by asking for $300 measly freaking dollars a month. YOU ASSHOLE! Is your fragile little ego still so broken that you don't realize that your hurting Max when you think your hurting me? Damn you Sean. Damn you for inflicting suffering on an a total innocent in the situation. I don't' know if I can ever, ever forgive you for that. Ever. Your soul will bare the burden for the rest of your life Max's emotional outcomes from this, but I will be the one to hold his hand and dry his tears and take the blame for everything difficult in his life until he's able to realize that he does actually have two biological parents. But, as we all know, having sex and creating a baby with another person does not a parent make. If you think your lack of involvement doesn't get to him, you are wrong. Some days I want to scream and cry and throw a fit for him because I have a pretty good sense of what he's feeling right now. And let me tell you something, it hurts like bloody hell and I am furious with you for not doing more for this child who only wants an occasional phone call or god forbid that you actually pay the measly pittance of a child support order we've been given to help support him in some way. You really are a giant asshole. At least come up with a better excuse than you can't "afford" it right now? You can't afford $300 a month? And you have no rent of your own to pay and it's just you taking care of yourself. Are you kidding me? Not even in my most desperate times has Max gone without because I couldn't "afford" it. I will always be able to "afford" the one thing in my life that deserves to be afforded everything he needs and desires. Did I mention you really are an asshole? Name calling, I know, not very mature....but I don't feel very mature right now. I'm sick and tired of your whining and excuses. You've made a total of 2 whole child support payments in the 15 years Max has been alive, 2, that's it. You put Max and I through the humiliation of having to PROVE that Max is your child just to get a few hundred bucks out of you? What kind of message do you think that sends to Max? And now, your claiming that financial distress? I don't buy it. At all. I have never understood you, how you could be such a giant jerk to me through all these years and completely ignore your son and then feign surprise when I'm less than pleasant with you. Truly, the nerve of these men from my past is incomprehensible. Like it boggles the mind and the shear gall.
What doesn't boggle my mind is that we've made it this far without you and you really are pretty irrelevant at this point. In fact, it's probably more accurate to say that Max and I've made it this far BECAUSE we've been without you. I can handle this with Max, I've been 'handling' it for a long long time now and we don't need your silly money OR for you to suddenly decide to become a father to Max. It's too late for a lot of that, he's almost a man Sean and in case you've forgotten....I vowed to never ever allow my son to be abused by you. And I absolutely will not allow it now.
I will never keep Max from you, if he wants to get to know you, fine. You know that. I've always allowed the visits as long as they were safe and I've given you as much opportunity as can be expected by a single mother in this position. But I don't have to take your abuse nor will I allow you to disappoint Max. I've said it before and I'll say it again, my anger toward you for what you've done to our son is ONLY surpassed by my love for our son and I've been given the insight and knowledge to know how to 'handle' things. I've put this all out to the Universe in the hopes that I may find further forgiveness for you. But, now I can also say that I pray that Max can some day forgive you. I do not envy you in this life time, you are facing a long long road with a child who's only wanted your love and attention. Let me also put this out there to Max:
Son, I love you more than life itself. I've dropped the ball myself through the years, I haven't always known what to do or how to approach every situation very well; but the light and love you bring to this world and to me is brighter and stronger than all of this hurt and pain and darkness that comes to us in this journey. You can't understand this now, but you will some day. I'm sure of it, and until then I'm going to be there. Whether you like it or not, you are stuck with me. This is what you've got and it may not always be enough, but it's more than a lot. I too am growing and getting stronger every day and you'd be amazed at what I can endure. Remember to be easy on yourself and some day, you'll learn to be easy on me and your dad too, even if you can never imagine that now. It's true. You'll find it in your heart to forgive him. And me too and when you do, it will free us both tremendously. I know that for sure. Love ya kid, you rock!
Rant over, sorry if this has been painful or offensive. I needed to get it out of me before it started to boil like one of those cartoon tea kettles that gets all red and explodes with steam pouring out. Now, I feel more able to move forward without myself, acting like a total asshole.
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