My weekend was relatively quiet. Evan and I had a wonderful time Saturday, he's grown so much. Saturday afternoon Matty worked on my car (thanks Matt!) and we had a beer and he called me "old" for which I promptly reminded him that women, like fine wine, only become more intoxicating with age. He was only kidding of course, though I will remember that when the next decade turns over for him. It is not painful, but it is an enlightening experience that YES.....our physical body is not permanent and that life does not wait for our visions or plans to pan out. Sunday was my typical quiet, to myself day while Max went rushing about on his bike and roller blades.
I can report that I've begun to grow back into my own skin and, happily so. I realized that I'd allowed my summer to have damaging effects on my self-esteem and sense of self-worth. Scalding humiliations can do that to a person. Somehow though, the human spirit is a resilient being and for all my faults, I seem to excel in resilience.
My Aunt MB sent me a book, it was a monster size light bulb that went !DING! I'm not sure how to articulate where I am in this moment, but I know it is a shifting space of ebbs and tides, with all this flowing universe around me waiting to be explored and considered. Something inside me is beginning to bloom and even though I'm NOT in the most positive mood today, I can still feel it in there, wiggling around and trying to bust up out of my internal soils and blossom into something bigger than is there today.
The question has become "Now what?" I am in the position of completely reformulating my life, sparking new idea's and new possibilities. I know I'd like to make some changes career wise in the coming years, I'd like to begin working more with meditation and regrouping myself spiritually, and devoting some energies to the changes I'd like to see in the world. Those are strong messages from within, but I'm not even sure where to start.
It will come to me, I'm sure of it.
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