I Am Moon

The moon this morning, wow! Setting over the gorgeous Rockies, something about this phase of the moon, this time of year fills me with elated emotion.

Today, while staring at the moon out the side of my window on the way to work and trying to concentrate on the road rather than that dreamy spot in my mind; the lines of every poem, short story, song lyric and book I've ever read beamed through with startling clarity. You know the one, about the phases of the moon, the rising and setting sun, etc. Life ebbs and flows, rises and falls, joys and pains. I am Moon. So are you and all the energies that surround us. The phases of life are real, it's not a metaphor.

In the past 10 days, I feel as if I've engaged in battle. Something within me feels beaten, fallen.

Driving to work reminded me that any of us can be done with this life experience at any minute based on something so simple as a piece of rubber wound around a piece of metal.

Messages, letters, information gave me some clarity on places I still can't always wrap my head around. How some one could be so irresponsible with another persons life, with the life of a child that can do nothing about it. I'll admit I've had the sort of thoughts I am afraid of about him this past week, the thoughts that make me uncomfortable because there is nothing kind or compassionate about them. Bordering on purposefully wishing harm on someone else, born out of my own pain. I am not proud of this, but I can't apologize for it either. Something very very wrong has occurred here. Very wrong. I'm not always very well equipped in handling this sort of thing because I just can NOT understand it. No matter how I hard I try, I just can't. I am at fault in my own ways, certainly. Though, stealing from a mother and her child, putting them in financial peril for many years to come and taking absolutely zero steps to correct it or even acknowledge it, is beyond my comprehension. Cowardly actions for a man who so actively preaches integrity, humility and peace. Again, I am not proud of my need to still work through this in such a way, but I don't think shedding tears and feeling pain are to be unexpected still in this situation. I'd be willing to wager that most anyone who has expereinced such a signifcant betrayel would need to spend time working through it for an untold amount of time after it occurred. However long it takes, is the answer to that.

Friendships of 15+ years have been defiled. Darkness was thrown in my direction and I am simply unable to deflect it actively. I would rather walk away with out engaging in that ugliness than battle her another day. And he, will be left wage that battle on his own, I can no longer participate. It is over and I am sad for my son in that regard, because I know this will effect him in the longer term, but in other ways I believe it will benefit him as well. People change and it's important that they do, but when the relationships of those people change and it's no longer mutually beneficial for all involved, it's best to take the necessary steps to move on.

My emotional capacity to manage relationship conflict is null. Does not compute. All servers are down.

Though the battle feels waged upon me, I know it is not personal nor does it make me unique in any way. None of us are exempt from tears. Or the happiness. Laughter and brightness are available to us, in massive quantities, at our disposal. So are all these other cloudy skies, but they come and go. It's all sort of up to us. Soon, they will be gone for me and I can sense that. I am able to see my life 6 months from now. A smiling, happy and more centered version of myself. Someone who enjoys time with good friends and family more than anything. Someone who finds herself in the outdoors more often than not. Someone who has forgiven, is forgiven and isn't looking back. Someone who is honoring her callings, the direction in which her own North Star exists. A year from now, I see someone I don't even know right now. She doesn't seem like such a bad egg, more like a perfectly content sunflower. Reaching toward the sky in the forever journey of growth and enlightenment.

She needs to be watered though, so my humble request to you Universe, is please don't forget. I know you won't.